Losing the reason to run - and gaining it back (July-August 2010).

Something happened in July 2010.  What happened is not going to the focus of this post, but rather what emerged from it.  I used to run for other people. When I ran, I didn't run for me.  I ran because other people thought I could run, because other people believed in me.  I'd picture other people running alongside me or holding a rope pulling me forward.  I was very extrinsic when it came to running.  It didn't come from inside, it came from outside.  But outside sources of motivation are not always available.  What do you do in that situation?  And that's exactly the kind of situation I found myself in on July 2010.  I almost stopped running.  I almost stopped doing triathlons.  And I had to decide.  Who, and what, was I running for?  I decided I had to change.  I couldn't run "for" other people anymore.  I had to run for me.  When it came down to the line, I had to be enough.  I had to be able to go out there "alone" and make it because of me, not because of someone else.  And I really changed in July and August 2010 and I switched from running extrinsically to running intrinsically, and I decided the strength and determination to run had to come from inside, not outside.  Motivation and pep talks and people who believe in you are of course wonderful and always welcome, but first and foremost, you have to believe in yourself.

I suffered a loss that month (not from death, call it geographically moving away).  And it was 13 months after my dad died (which, by the way, I'm probably not over it; I'm probably still in denial over that one.... nothing I can do but wait it out).  So I told myself, look what happened when dad died.  You transformed your life.  Not on purpose, but it happened.  You took this huge loss and turned it into the most wonderful thing you ever did for yourself.  So how can  you take this current situation and make it into something good?  It was at that point that I started embracing mistakes because they just showed me what not to do next time.  I was always one of those people paralyzed by the fear of making mistakes.  But I've found that you can learn more when things DON'T go your way.

So those were two major shifts I underwent in late July early August, and they have shaped who I'm becoming tremendously.  And it's all part of the journey.  I don't know where it leads, but I know I'm enjoying the hell out of the ride.  And now I'm starting to understand motivation.  Why get out there in 100+ degree weather and attempt to run 50 miles?  Because it's hard and overcoming it builds character and it makes you fight against all your fears and insecurities.  In essence, every obstacle you overcome makes you a better person.