Monday, June 14th, 2010, through Sunday, June 20th, 2010 (Father's Day).

Saturday Night:  I've been working a lot on the book and hence been neglecting the blog.  The book will come first but I will work on the blog also.  I just passed 10K words after 25 days, 401 words a day, target of 277.  In less than nine months I could have a book.  It's kind of like having a child in a way.

Haven't slept well this week so boot camp has been uneven and haven't really had a GOOD day.  Friday went to the crapper when we hiked instead of running and I got lost at the end.  But I went up a hill, found the nearest set of buildings, and started walking there.  Got to the area where we run to the hill, get a rock, and bring it back in teams (later called "the wash" by Eyes) and I had spotted the highway when they found me in the Hummer.  I didn't have any water with me so I wasn't running.  I would have made it all the way back to the park.

I tried to do a 24.59 or better 5K today but failed and did 28.5X, less than a minute and a half more from my personal best.  And I realized something.

I've lost that killer instinct.  Like I really wanted that 25 5K but I knew I wasn't going to do it yesterday, I just knew, the same way I new I was going to do a sub-30 5K the previous time.  And I was happy just showing up, moving, running, living.  I've lost that cutthroat instinct.  I'll still try, but I'm happy just showing up.  And I don't necessarily think it's a bad change.  I feel I've changed inside and that hunger is gone and there's just a peace and complacency and happiness.  And we're talking less than 4 minutes difference from what I wanted and from what I got.

But somehow I feel REALLY good about the marathon next Saturday.  Just as I felt I wasn't going to do the 25 5K, I feel that I will do the marathon without stopping/walking.  And if I had to choose between the two I'd rather do the marathon.  I guess I feel good enough that I can just show up and consistently do under-30 5Ks.  And you may do everything right - rest, food, etc., and still have a sucky day (but I only slept 2 hours or so yesterday, might think about melatonin, I have trouble falling asleep).

Until I started going to bc I wouldn't initiate hugs. And the reason for that would be two-fold. First, who was I to think that I was worth enough to be the one starting it and second who would ever want to hug me? Call center job, living at home with mom, no husband or kids, in debt... up to 7/3/09 my life was a failure. I was a failure. I have called my reflection in the mirror a loser.

I always felt I had to keep doing stuff for people because I saw what they brought into the relationship but who could possibly want me just for me. My whole life has been about waiting until I do something wrong and mess up the relationship. Because it always happens, people leave. I wondered sometimes if I myself would be my friend, and half the time I wasn't sure.

For the first time in my life I am really developing a sense of self-worth. Takes times but big changes take time. Today, just feeling I'm good at something, anything, is good enough me.

I've been thinking about feeling confident enough in yourself without developing an ego.  I really feel a change happening inside and I really think I like who I am becoming.  I don't think I have much of a say as to what my core substance is but luckily it seems to be something I can live it and even embrace.  I'm developing a sense of peace as opposed to this frenzied pace all the time, but still being able to compete.  Show up, compete, try to win or get a personal best, but be happy just showing up and be happy without having to compete all the time.  I don't need a number to feel good about myself.

I did reach a new low weight, 138.5 lbs.

More on all of this later but at least I felt I'm caught up on the blog.  Some weeks will have more general thoughts like this one as opposed to structured.  I AM back to wearing the BodyBugg, more on that later just because I have to get ready for work.

Monday, June 7th, 2010, through Sunday, June 14th, 2010.

MONDAY AFTERNOON:  This morning in boot camp I didn't have it.  Last week caught up with me.  But now when I don't have it I'm middle of the pack whereas before when I didn't have it I was last.  So my worst is now average.  Progress.  And the heat.  This was the first day that it was really hot (108 degrees Fahrenheit).  I haven't really exercised in the heat (and that's why I did worse on Sunday than on Tuesday at Flag Mountain, that and all the exercise I did in-between).  So I'm not used to exercising in the heat.  My body will adjust and I will up the water.  But when you exercise in the heat for months and then it cools down, your fitness has gotten so much better, you're leaps and bounds improved, so exercising in the heat actually helps your fitness even more.  It'll just take time.  So sucky boot camp.  I hate boot camps like these because I can't perform to my level, and it brings me down.  That's ok, as long as I have boot camps like last Friday now and the, I can stand a few like today.  I just show up and give what I got that day.

Then I locked my keys in the trunk and had to wait an hour in the heat for the locksmith.  The good part about starting the week this sucky is that, while it's true it all can go to hell in a handbasket, odds are in my favor that the week will get better.  Can't wait!!

I want to talk about your body being "free."  When you run there's a point when you stop running and you start flying, where your body feels light as a feather.  I've reached that point a couple of times and I'm looking to start making it happen more often.  You have to really be aware of your body, in the sense of where your left arm begins and ends, where your right leg begins and ends, your feet touching the ground, the resistance of the air..... and then realizing all of that really doesn't pull you back as much as you think and just gunning it.  Working on that.

Debbie all caught up and out.

THURSDAY AFTERNOON:  Well, Tuesday sucked a little bit also.  We had to climb up this hill during class as a mini-impromptu hike during boot camp and I apparently put my hand on a cactus and got all these little fine thorns in my left hand all over my fingers (I have finger-less gloves), and had to come down a steep rocky mountain without being able to use my hands much, and when I hike I use my hands and arms extensively, so that part kind of sucked.  Went on my behind sliding down (on purpose) a bit, I just wanted to get off that hill.  Did the rest of that class with the thorns, as it was mostly running.  Got them all out with tweezers when I got home.

Then that night when I was driving to work, I was going in a straight line, and a car going in the opposite direction turns right in front to me to his left, my right, to go into a side street, and I had to brake hard to avoid hitting him (or her).  Went a little to the left and almost went into a tailspin.

Wednesday, though, went by without incident.  Got to take Kathy's Zumba, my favorite Zumba.

My sucky days are getting better so that they're decent physical-wise.  My run today was 8:24, wasn't trying for time as I didn't know it was timed, fastest 7:49, so my regular time is getting to be pretty fast.  Two more Zumbas today and an hour of weightlifting at the gym.

Yesterday I decided to wear the BodyBugg again, and I'm wearing it today and going back to calorie-counting with a 1,000 deficit.  With two hours of exercise a day I can eat a decent 1600 calories a day while keeping a 1000 deficit.  Started at exactly 145, 70 lbs down.  I'm doing one hour of lifting a day in order to be able to have a caloric deficit while saving muscle and maybe even building it.  One hour a day of lifting and lots of protein should do the trick.  Plus the two hours of exercise.  Boot camp plus running/biking/Zumba/TurboKick, and swimming as something extra 2-4 times a week just to train for triathlons.

Don't know if I mentioned this but I will be doing a marathon on the 26th.  No half, just going from 10K to the full.  Less than a year from when I started working out and less than six months from when I couldn't run half a second.

And that closes out the week so far.  Debbie out.

Writing this on 6/19/10 (Saturday of "next week"):  Friday was one of the best boot camp days I've had.  We went running for a whole hour and ran 5.5X miles, almost a 10K, in that hour.  I was able to keep up with Eyes the whole time and it was awesome.  I really enjoy the feeling of running next to somebody, it is the greatest feeling in the world, just out there running.  Running has to be one of my most favorite things to do in the world.

Sunday I went to hike Turtlehead Peak with Sam.  We went bouldering in the beginning a bit and then he sped off and since I had never gone that route I ended up going up and down the hardest route possible (not on purpose) and it took me 10.5 hours instead of under 5.  But I made it.  With the water and food I had, the CamelBak plus my running water bottle and a handful of protein bars.  It was the first time I almost turned around on the way up but I gauged I had enough water and I did, I had just a bit left when I got back to the car.  It wasn't until I was 50 feet or so from the car that I felt like I was going to pass out.  So it was a miserable day but I went rock climbing a lot and I learned what my current hiking limit is.  I also defaced the mountain three times.  Those protein bars were not agreeing with me.  And I looked for the Geocache but I didn't find it.  I'll have to go again.  At one point I was going down and got stuck climbing down a rock called for help no one answered, got myself down.

And that closes this week.  Debbie out.