MONDAY AFTERNOON: I got really into GeoCaching last week and found my first, stuck beneath a doggie tin (where you deposit doggie waste) in front of the house. Looked for another one today without luck. It's an addictive hobby, it's hard, it's active, it's fun, and after the initial $40 investment for the software and $30 a year for the website, it's free. There's one on top of Turtlehead, Peak, will re-sign that one and take a picture on Thursday.
I was looking into the mirror and it's getting harder and harder to reconcile that person with "Old Debbie." It's not that I don't know who I am, it's that there's so many internal and external changes that happened pretty much in 11 months so far that you look at yourself and you are almost looking into a stranger. You change and you hope you still like yourself at the other end. There's a strength that's developing in me, and I'm not used to seeing that strength. I'm not someone who can be pushed around anymore, and that scares me a little.
Take Miriam. Elementary school teacher I just found on Facebook. Part of me wants to ask her Why. Why didn't you stand up for me. She wasn't like Gladys, who actually PICKED on me, nevermind not defended me. I have good memories of Miriam, like she was a kind teacher. But the rest of my life at that point still sucked. And part of me wants to ask, Didn't you see anything? What if I was in front of Gladys, all 140-lbs 32-year-old me? What if I had a chance to ask why? Do I even want to? Is it a truer test of strength if you can walk away from your past and just keep on with the present?
There's two camps. One, like Freud, says that you have to "fix" your past to move on, that you have to come to a resolution with it. The other says to just leave the past behind and just move on. I waver back and forth, I've never been able to make a firm decision either way on which way is the better way or the "right" way.
It's a weird feeling, the feeling of being strong. I haven't entirely warmed up to it yet. You look into your eyes in the mirror and you see someone you can't push around. And I'm not used to that looking back and me and it doesn't feel familiar. See, and the thing of it all is, that I picture myself being face to face with someone who actually picked on me in the past, and I really hope if that moment comes that I just turn around and walk away. Not because I'm weak, but because I'm strong. I really don't want to become a bitter person and I certainly don't want "revenge." People do the best they can. If someone picked on me, that was filling a need they had.
When you are a child adults are supposed to stand up for you. And no one did for me, and I wasn't able to do it for myself because of how young I was. But then you reach an age where you naturally start standing up for yourself but by that time, you're so beaten up you pretty much give up on fighting back and let life happen to you. No one really teaches you to stand up for yourself, so you never really learn.
Then you start working out, and find out that you actually CAN do something. And other people give you the feeling that they believe in you, and you are successful at one thing, then another, then another, and you slowly start believing in yourself. And then you meet someone else who seems to accept you for who you are, and that would have been helpful all alone, but it's even more helpful now, because you're not ever sure who you are anymore. You are rediscovering yourself. Well, not really rediscovering. You are getting to know yourself, period. And you find yourself in an environment where you don't have to be second-guessing yourself all the time and you are safe to probe around and figure out who you are and act that way. You find yourself being "safe" in more and more places.
And it's a combination of that, confidence and safety, that creates strength.
TUESDAY EARLY MORNING: So we're doing flag mountain tomorrow. And for the first time ever, I'm scared of boot camp. I had some butterflies that first day, but this is cold clammy fear. It's a steep hill and first we have to go up but worse we ave to go down. And I'm scared to death. Of course I'm going to show up tomorrow, skipping it would never enter my mind, but I'm terrified. I've dubbed it Flag Mountain, because we're taking a piece of cloth stuck to a pole, putting our names on it, and planting it on top. I mean, how significant, right, I can have my name up there and conquer the mountain. They should wait until I get back down to plant it.
I've been to Flag Mountain once before, I found. It was that time we dragged tired up a mountain. On the way down it was so steep, I went down on my butt. And we only went up part of the mountain, the easy part.
So yeah, scared. It's a weird feeling to be scared of boot camp. I'm not even scared of jumping off a cliff into the rocks below for Jagged Edge, which we're doing in late July. I'm not scared to jump off a cliff but I am scared of going up and down a mountain. Go figure.
What needs to happen is that I need to slip and fall, which I haven't done yet, so that I can see there's no big deal to it. I think the fear is psychological and stems from my dad pulling me down mountains when I was little.
TUESDAY AFTERNOON: So I posted on FaceBook how I was scared of Flag Mountain and Eyes challenged me to do it half an hour up and half an hour down, and that was it. She said the C word. There's something about someone challenging me to something that turns me on fire. So I get to Mission Hills, sign the flag, and I was very nervous. And when I get nervous I ramble. And we were starting the hike and I kept looking at the floor, I was so nervous. And I started slow and as I progressed I got faster and faster. And then I saw them, at the top of the hill. And something happened. And I ran. I ran through rocks going up and a mountain top towards them. I mean actual running, through a rocky terrain up a narrow trail at the top of a mountain. And up mini-hills, and down mini-hills, and scrambling up rocks, and just running. And I was free. And I was figuratively and literally on top of the world. And the switch turned and I was completely free. And I got there. Not in the half an hour and not in the half an hour down, but I made great time compared to me and I lost the fear of rocky inclines. It's gone.
Going down was quite the experience. I went down every which way. Bearcrawling backwards most of the way because I wanted to go down FAST, and that was the fastest way, on all four backwards just sliding down the mountain fast. And I went forwards standing up, and sideways. It was the most awesomest thing ever. And, for me, I went down that mountain FAST.
It's one of those things that you know will change your life but you're so wiped out from the experience you don't have the energy to figure out HOW it will change your life.
We hadn't had enough adventures for the day so we went GeoCaching and found two. I went down in reverse through The Loop - down the rocky hill instead of up, the first half of The Loop. By now I had these huge calluses in my feet because hiking shoes are not for running. So it was slow going down. But next time we do The Loop, I am throwing myself at it. Next time we do ANY kind of hill, that hill is mine. I was going down that mountain, and it was mine. And that's an awesome feeling. So the going down The Loop was slower because my feet were just killing me by then, and I tried to ignore the pain as best I could. I want that hill when I'm good and rested, I'll show it who's boss. I've learned to BOTH go up and down hills. I can move quickly (or quicker) through them now.
There's two things that REALLY helped. First, HIKING SHOES. They DO make a difference. Who knew HIKING SHOES would be so awesome for HIKING. Like NIGHT and DAY. THAT amazing. Caps amazing. I am never hiking without hiking shoes again, going to keep them in the trunk of my car along with the weight vest and a mat. Anytime, anything, anywhere. And the second thing was the CamelBack, those water backpacks. Allowed me not to carry my water bottle and I used my hands A LOT. Gloves helped as usual. It would have hurt without gloves. I got enough scratches left even WITH the gloves.
So we did the reverse of the first half of The Loop and a total of about 2.5 Towers hills, and we found two GeoCaches, my #2 and #3, and I am now totally and completely addicted to them. Dru found the first one and me the second one.
It was a good day. Debbie Out. Tomorrow I'll write more about looking into a stranger's eyes. As a starting point, mom told me yesterday "They changed my daughter." She can sense it, just like I can. SOMEthing changed, what that something is, it's too early to tell. Debbie Out for real now.
SATURDAY MORNING: Wednesday was uneventful. Thursday I went to Turtlehead Peak in remembrance of dad's first Dad's Death Day Anniversary. I wanted to go by myself first to be able to grieve in peace and second because I needed to get over the fear of getting lost and being alone in the mountains (and was able to do both). I think I'm ready to move on with my life (not that I didn't before, but I found a kind of peace now that I'm over the first year of him dying.... if I'm not looking straight into his picture, I'm OK. If I look into his face I get a little choked up, not ready for that yet).
Once I get to the top, I think I found the GeoCache. Books and goodies inside. It isn't until I GET HOME that I read a post that that box is not a GeoCache, the GeoCache is hidden under a tree and not out in the open. Who the hell leaves a fake GeoCache 50 feet away from the real one 2.5 MILES UP IN A FREAKING MOUNTAIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE?!?! But I'm not bitter.
I'm going back next week Sunday and finding the real one and putting stickers all over THIS box saying THIS IS NOT THE REAL GEOCACHE. Watch me.
So I'm sitting up there all alone and signing the fake GeoCache book and someone comes up and asks what's that a log book? And I say yes it's a GeoCache. And she says A GEOCACHE really?!?! And I get all excited and say YES!! Are you into GeoCaching?!?! And she says no, but my friend is into it BIG TIME!! And then I hear a voice, Is that Debbie?!?! And who comes walking up to the top of Turtlehead Peak other than Michele. We were both like NO FREAKING WAY.
At one point she turns to one in her group of four and says, That's Debbie, and the other person goes, I know, I've seen her picture on Facebook
Just think of the timing in order to meet somebody you know on top of the peak.
When we went down I was able to go much faster since I'm not alone anymore. Not complete, but I'm mostly done with my fear of hikes.
On Friday Eyes substituted a morning boot camp and I went. This week's boot camps have been hard on me, just physically, I haven't been "there" there. Other than Turtlehead Peak, Flag Mountain tomorrow, the 10K, a Zumba, and 50 laps in the pool, I haven't done any extra exercise other than the 5 boot camp sessions. I guess my body needed a rest (and if you read the blog regularly you know that's NOT sarcasm).
So the first one was at 6a and then the regular 9:30a one. And my body was all there for 9:30a. I needed that. I needed one good boot camp session. It keeps me going strong. I can make it through what I call a sucky boot camp week performance-wise and be all refreshed by one good one.
We did towers and the warm-up was the loop. I've gotten sooooo much better at hiking, that now I can get to the top WITH the group (and even ahead of some instead of far behind in last), and then we're talking running, which is my thing. So I'm getting better at my weakness and at my strength. But if I can keep people in my line of sight, I can easily overtake them once we get on pavement (I still lose some ground running on rocks but it's getting less and less and once we get on pavement, it's mine). And I think running today's 10K at the pace I wanted instead of at my pace is going to help me figure out some mental running things and break free of a running barrier that we all have that ties us down to the ground.
I'm glad I had that session. Now I'm good to go all hardcore on Monday. We went up the hill, down the hill, some running, up the hill, down the hill, and I was first because Dru wasn't feeling well, so I was really second. I'm down on myself a lot and I like it because it just drives me harder and harder each time, but I was thinking that I don't think I'm that fit but look who I'm measuring myself against - the cream of the crop. So I think in boot camp we're all in the top 10-25% of fit people, and I'm middle of the pack in that (last of the pack when it comes to the top - Eyes, Jill, Dru, Sara if she ever comes back), and almost there when it comes to others. You have to learn to figure out who's underperforming based on their true ability, because for one reason or another, some people don't run as fast as they can, so you can't even base their running ability on how they run in boot camp. And of course you can't base it on how they look, you have to base it on how they run. We inherited another good runner who seems to come a lot and who's ahead of me but who I can overtake on one of those special days, whenever the next one comes. I have to have that click moment to overtake her, it's not an everyday thing, but it's doable.
Today I ran a 10K.
Course was 10.14K in 1:00:21 watch time (1:00:12 official time). If you divide time by seconds and multiply by 10K, that's 59:31 for the 10K. I did right under 28 for the 5K, beating my previous 5K time. 6.3 MPH (10K is 6.21 miles). Hot and hilly. Beat my previous 10K time by way over 10 minutes in a month and 11 days, or almost 10%. Second 10K.
On the 10K today I tried to keep a 10K/hr pace because I wanted an hour or less 10K (which I did), and I felt like fainting the whole way through. I didn't go at my pace, 10K/hr was definitely above what I could do physically, but I wanted it. And I thought that I always SAY I want something I don't know I can finish, and here it was, and I took it. I felt like stopping sooooooo many times, but there were only two ways I was going to stop: At the finish line, or fainting. You have a determination that overtakes everything and you WILL do it no matter what. I was not going to stop. My mind takes over. And it's as hard for me as it is for anybody else and I have the same self-doubts as anybody else, but for some reason sometimes I can tap into that inner strength we all have and make magic happen like today. Because for me, a 10K in under an hour was making magic happen. I ran an hour at a pace faster than I could handle.
Tomorrow we go to Flag Mountain again just for the hell of it, nothing better to do. I can't wait, I'm going for time. That mountain will be mine. I take no prisoners lately. I'm doing something, I'm going for it. I'm beginning to realize that there's a point where you become "free" physically.
MONDAY OF NEXT WEEK: I want to wrap the week and then move on. I was sooo much more tired this time from everything I did during the week that I was a lot slower, but made it up and down in 2:03:46, counting the time spent on top. I want to go back and do Flag Mountain many more times. I want to go back next week and take tons of pictures and then go back the week after and go for a better time and just keep going. It's fast, it's hard, it's fun, and I know where it is. Do it enough, and you get better at it. But I need a good pair of hiking shoes. $150 will do it. Saving up to it. I'll do enough hiking that they'll pay off for themselves. Went to IHOP afterwards and had some pancakes, eggs, and turkey bacon. I love that place.
That's it for this week. On to the seventh. Debbie Out.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Monday, May 24th, 2010, through Sunday, May 30th, 2010.
I wrote a lot of stuff this week on Facebook so I'm just going to copy and paste over. May 26th, my birthday, June 3rd, dad dies, July 3rd, I start exercising. Boom boom boom. Lots of stuff this week to port over.
This is an old note from the 15th of May:
It struck me the other day when I was talking to somebody that I've changed so much and so quickly that people think this has been me all along and this is who I am. And I thought what better way to show the difference than to describe what my life was like just a year ago.
Why? Because people seem to be inspired by change. And if by knowing how much of a change my life has gone through is able to inspire somebody else, then telling the story is worth it. Maybe I'm also trying to explain what going through this whole thing has been like.
I thought we'd start with elementary school. I was the one they picked to bully (and that went up all the way to the workplace, really, it never really stopped). I was never really part of the group. One of my earliest memories was when I was 6 years old or so and we all sat in a group, the whole class with the teacher, and went around trying to figure out what was wrong with me. My first grade teacher would pinch me and pull my hair. On a private bus I accidentally poked someone on the ear with an errant pen and I was the only one without ice cream. During camp someone's pajamas went missing and I was blamed and I had to skip the search for a ghost which I really wanted to go to and then they found the pajamas inside the person's bag and then a bunch of people made fun of me for being too scared to go on the ghost search. I went on a religious group overnight sleepover and in the morning we were going out to pick up new members and go out to eat or something and my shoes went missing and I was made to stay behind by myself in the house.
I'd be sitting down and someone would come and start kicking a soccer ball against me over and over again and I'd let them. I'd try to leave the room to get a teacher to stop the teasing and I'd be dragged to the floor by my lab coat.
One of the most significant events in my life happened in fifth grade. I had an argument with someone in third or fourth grade, and I think there was pushing back and forth; I don't really remember and I was never the kind of person to shove back even if shoved. Her cousin was in my grade and next thing I know, the younger cousin is telling everyone I shoved her so hard I knocked the wind out of her. So a bunch of fifth and sixth graders corner me in front of the bus (on school property, and I could have sworn I saw at least one administrator looking) and proceeded to kick, pinch, and berate me. When they finished I went into the bus and I cried. The bus driver, who had been sitting there, said that it was a shame. You think?
That was the last time I ever cried in public. I was never going to allow myself to cry in public again.
I was too fat to run so I would walk in P.E. around the track while everyone else ran, and as early as fifth grade if not earlier I would pray to G-d to let me be happy one day, and that if I got a sign that I would, I would put up with anything.
In college people would leave anonymous comments in my website's guestbook about what a disgusting pig I was. They didn't have to, I myself have looked in the mirror and called myself a loser.
My life was defined by fear. Fear of not being liked, fear of making mistakes, fear of life. I spent 31 years eating and watching TV. I'd spend 4-5 hours a day laying on the couch watching TV. My daily diet consisted of pizza rolls, hot pockets, large pizza, bagel bites, cheese sticks, etc.
Been suffering from depression since at least fifth grade. On therapist 31 or so (because of a few minor things, like losing a dad, having to adjust to a new body, psychological changes of losing 75 lbs, wanting to change the inside as well as the outside, etc.). I always felt I wasn't really living but just existing until my real life started. I think it did.
My life would have been so different if I could take this Debbie back. I probably would have gotten suspended a couple of times but no one would have ever dared to pick on me again. Life would have been an adventure. But I like two quotes I've come across. The first one is that you cannot change the past but you can rewrite your future. The second is that life DOES have do-overs. If you need an example, here it is.
I want to briefly touch on what my dad dying did to me. June 3rd, 2009. I talk to my dad on the 2nd at night, tell him "Talk to you tomorrow," and hours later he's dead. Slipped down the stairs at home, hit his head, and died. Great physical and mental shape. Something like that breaks you. It's like there's a hole poked in your soul. You can mend it, but you'll always be able to tell something happened there. I went to Venezuela never expecting to go back. And it's like I picture my life having two timelines and this is a weird alternate one I was never supposed to be on. I had never gotten overwhelmed. When I was there, I'd get overwhelmed and I'd have to step to the side and just breathe because life itself was just too much. I got to enjoy bathrooms a lot, because they were small and quiet. I never saw my dad dead because Jews don't do that. The only proof I have that he's dead is that he hasn't called me since. New Debbie would have opened that casket. Touch him one last time, try to poke him to get him to wake up.
It's really like G-d came to me one day and said, Here, have this new life, where everything as you know it will change. You'll be stronger, better, both inside and out, you'll find a strength and a love of life you never knew existed and you yourself will change. Oh, yeah. Your dad? Not a part of it.
If I had to choose between a five-minute visit from my dad and all this, I wouldn't know any of you. Just to tell him one last time that I love him, that I'm sorry for broken promises and all those times I didn't call and for not being the perfect daughter. Just to hug him and touch him one last time.
And you really have something happen TO you instead of you MAKING IT happen, and you try to explain that to people. You think I chose any of this? This is as far from anything I ever would have chosen. So when people ask me what made me choose to change my life and exercise..... I didn't. I had no choice in the matter, all I could do was hang on for dear life while all this happened (and keeps happening).
And when you wake up one day and you get handed over pretty much a new life, you are really in awe that you get to live out this life. You wake up and go, Really? I really get to live out this life? This is really mine? I get to keep it?
And you develop a fear of losing all of this, of going back. Because one day you wake up and go to the gym and never stop and the cravings stop and never come back and you don't understand why or how it happened, and you're scared of losing it all and having to go back to who you once were, and you want to get as much of this as you can because you never know how long you'll have it for.
This is the best way I can explain it: Imagine the most delicious [insert your favorite flavor] ice cream [or most favorite food] in the world. No calories, no fat, you can eat as much as you want, and it's a bottomless container, and you don't know if it will ever run out, so you eat and eat and eat in fear of the faucet of ice cream shutting off, if you will. That's why I exercise four to six hours a day, because there's always the fear that tomorrow the drive will be gone and I'll be in bed again and I want to get as much ice cream in as I can before it's taken away from me. Because remember, none of this was a choice.
On trips all I'd want to do is lay in bed reading. Now my motto is Anything, Anywhere, Anytime. I like my music when I work out because it motivates me but sometimes I skip the iPod because I want to be in the moment, I want to experience life happening.
And you know, life isn't perfect. I still have many goals to go. But it has started, and the changes have started happening, and it's all the good kind of uphill from here (although is there a kind of bad uphill? ;)).
Do you know how ironic it is that my dad dying was the event that set off the best year of my life? That's something I have to live with the rest of my life. That it really feels like he died so that I could live? That he would have been my biggest supporter and no matter how many triathlons I finish he can never see any of them, I can never give him any of this?
The depression comes and goes and Old Debbie would lay in bed. New Debbie gives it the finger on the way to boot camp.
So next time I say thank you for believing in me when my whole life it seemed most people didn't, all of this is what I'm really saying thank you for.
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May 26th:
I've always wanted to go skydiving. Old Debbie wanted to do a lot of things. New Debbie does them for her. So what better day than today, my birthday? My first birthday after I got my second lease in life.
I get there early, straight from work. Bad move, since I got there so early I had time to think. And then I get nervous. And then I ramble, to the point that the people who work there are telling me (jokingly) to shut up lol Filled out a bunch of forms about how this could result in injury or death. About how we were about to be inappropriately groped in private places (I almost put "Only if you're hot" next to my initials). Then into a room where we watched a video about, what else, how we could die or be injured. Then we had to show how we could fold our legs into ourselves from a sitting position and .... I couldn't. They wouldn't budge. I'm thinking are you freaking kidding me, this is one of the hardest things for me in boot camp, I wish I would have practiced harder. The instructor is looking at me like are you freaking kidding me which was kind of cool because it means I at least look like I should be able to do it. After everyone left the room I was able to do it (and was able to do it easily when it counted, up in the air). Then we practiced the banana, laying on a round rolling soft round chair thingie, head tilted back, legs folded back, arms first tucked in front then at 90 degree angles out.
True to what I was told by a staff member, you go from fear to gung-ho back to fear back to gung-ho and up and down and up and down and I want to go already and I want to go home. Then it was time to suit up and get the harness on. Then we watched the first wave go (I was in the second wave). Everyone's chutes opened. Whew. Seven of them. Perfect landings. Then we went inside to get our instructors (tandem jump). I went to talk to the first wave, specially the woman, and they all said it was amazing. Then I hear "Debbie!! DEBBIE!!" and run to find my instructor. Since I took so long getting to him we were last on the plane..... first to jump. And they told me the worst parts were the ride up in the plane, the tugging when the chute opens, and the landing. But as we were going up, all I felt was peace. It soothed me to look down into the ever-disappearing ground. It brought me peace.
And I started thinking about my dad. For those of you who don't know, on 6/3/09, we got a call that he slipped down the stairs at home (in Venezuela), hit his head, and died. I had talked to him briefly six hours before and the last words I ever said to him were "Talk to you tomorrow." He was in great physical and mental health, 69-years-old. And I've been hiking and if you think about it, you can slip and die. It's possible. Specially hanging from rocks in the middle of nowhere or going downhill. And then this. But he died at home. If you gotta go, you gotta go, and hiding from life at home isn't going to protect you (not that he was doing that, just saying). And I wasn't afraid. I think it was my dad's time to go and G-d took him that way to remind me for the rest of my life to never keep from doing something out of fear. Fear can never again be a deciding factor in my life. Anything, anywhere, anytime. And I was not nervous. I pictured myself going over the side of the plane falling, and I felt peace. And then it was time to go, get clipped to my awesome instructor, goggles on, and off the side of the plane we went. And then I didn't stop yelling until we hit the ground. But yelling helps me deal with fear and nervousness :) It won't stop me from doing something, it just helps me get through it. That's going to be a funny video once I get it in a couple of days, and should make for some good pics. Your face feels like it's being plastered. And then the chute opened, and it wasn't that bad of a pull. But then the freaking TURNING began. If there's something that I didn't like about the jump, it was turning in circles, I hate that feeling of just one side of your body is falling down and being pulled back. I steered the parachute a bit. Then he took it back and he braked it a bit and we did a perfect landing. I think we ended up in our butts but I felt him land first, my legs folded after all. The ascent was perfect, the pull of the parachute was nothing, the landing was phenomenal, just a tremendous rush and experience, and afterwards I was shaking so bad a staff member had to put my tip in the envelope, I couldn't get the bills in. When I landed I literally kissed the ground and got dirt inside my mouth. Crunchy. Could still feel it an hour later.
Can't wait to see the video and pictures. And once you jump out of a plane, everything else pales by comparison. Once you go on "extreme" adventures, everything else pales in comparison. And you need more more more each time, something harder, tougher, badder, bigger. Once I actually DO something, it's like meh. The Sprint Triathlon didn't even feel like a challenge because I overtrained (64 laps instead of 32, 28 miles instead of 19 on the bike, 10K instead of 5K). What I love is the feeling of having to push, the feeling of having to meet a challenge. Once I meet it, it's no longer a challenge and I lose interest. I thought about jumping more and I think what I'm going to do is get my 25 tandem jumps in, then do a jump by myself, then not jump again, because I have way too many other things I want to do. But I do want to jump by myself one day.
It was an amazing experience. And when I was signing up I was able to claim I was height and weight proportionate and it felt good, and then I realized I probably wouldn't have been able to go skydiving before even if I wanted to because of the weight.
I think that's why I'm starting to warm up to how my body looks and feels now, because it's not keeping me from doing what I want.
Highly recommended experience, I will definitely be back to do it again one day =)
Don't be afraid of life. Embrace it. Do what you want to do. And you know what I was thinking on that plane and going up to the plane? It actually would take ACTION -NOT- to do it... i.e. walking away. If I just followed the person in front of me I wouldn't even have to think, I just had to keep moving forward and just follow orders to go through the experience. Don't hide from life, live it. Don't be scared of things. Or be scared but do them anyway. That's what I do.
Debbie out.
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A way to beat depression?
If you haven't heard before, I've suffered from depression since at least 5th grade, so that makes it about 22 years by now, or over 2/3's of my life. 30 or so therapists, group therapy, support groups, medication, the whole shebang, and nothing. What do you do? In my case I just learned to live with it the best I could, and it was something that came and went and I had no control over how often and for how long and to what degree, the only thing I could do is wait until it left and then just go on living.
When I started exercising on 7/3/09 it went away almost completely for a few months (I can remember 2 "episodes" in that time) and just came back a couple of months ago. When you have chronic depression you never really think it's gone for good because it always comes back and you don't want to set yourself up for disappointment. But when it came back a couple of months ago, I was Exercise Debbie as opposed to Old Debbie, so I couldn't react to it the same. So I started ignoring it. If it came, I'd talk to it out loud, say I didn't have time for it, and just ignore and go on with what I was doing.
Then 5/22/10 came around. A boot camp extreme challenge. And after it was done and we were walking a rocky trail back to the cars, something happened to me. I'm not sure what it was or what it means or what changes it will bring. I just know something happened. And one of the things I knew from that point forward is that I could never be depressed gain. I don't know WHY, I just know that I can't be depressed ever again. Sometimes through this whole fitness journey I just "know" things. I don't think I can, I know I will. And there's a huge difference. I went from six minutes of running to half an hour of running based on what a person said on Facebook, and when I started that half hour run, I laughed out loud, because I KNEW I was going to do it, and it felt great to know that at the beginning of the run.
So I've felt 2-3 depression episodes coming these past few days, and I just put my foot down and said "no." I refuse. Literally saying out loud, no, I refuse. No. No no no no no no no. Just no. You can't come at all. And me personally I think ignoring something and refusing something -- like night and day, completely different, even though outwardly they have the same appearance. I refuse to be depressed ever again.
I've learned two things these past couple of days. One, it helps to shut your brain off and just go sometimes. We think too much. Just set it aside and just experience life instead of thinking about life. Feel the earth beneath your feet, the wind in your hair, the sun in your face.... FEEL life.
Second, sometimes it's harder to give up than to go. When you're at the edge of the "figurative" cliff, isn't it easier to just jump than to turn around and walk all the way back to the car? Sometimes it's easier to accomplish something than to back away.
And I don't know why mention those last two points, but I think they have something to do with the whole "no" thing.
Start making life happen instead of just letting life happen. Take the reigns and start directing your life. You can be anything and do anything. Have you ever wanted to do something? What's the difference between you now and you doing that something? Is it just taking action? That's a huge thing, taking action. What's stopping you? Picture yourself doing it, and just do it. Because there's really nothing stopping you. Just fear, self-doubt, but all of those are in your head, and all of those you can say No to. Refuse to be a victim. Refuse to let life happen to you. Anything you don't like, you actually have the power to refuse, to say no. I refuse to be weak anymore, to have fear control my life, to be depressed, to be anything less than everything I want to be. And there's no difference between you and me.
In the blog I wrote that people say to just turn the depression off, to turn the switch, and I said that I had been dealing with it for 20 years and I hadn't found a way to do that, so that if they knew how, please share. So I figured I'd do the same.
How long will this last? I don't know. Will this actually work? I don't know. Will I ever be depressed again? I don't know. I just know I refuse, and I have the power to say no and to make my life whatever I want it to be. And that's what I want to share with you. Grab that power and say no to your thing, because we all have our thing. Refuse your thing. Control your life. Make your life.
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Written Sunday:
9th day depression-free. Just say No! Fifth straight day of writing at least 300 words a day. More and more I realize that anytime you see anybody who's overweight, depressed, isolated, weighted down, etc. .... that's not a lazy, unmotivated person. That's someone who had Life happen to them. It happens to all of us. Go talk to them and find out what their story is.
I think while learning to listen to my body first because of the food and then because of the exercise, I found a way to listen to my soul ;) I've learned quite a few things on this journey, I'll write them up one of these days. But I think if you fine-tune your senses in order to capture more of you, you can't help but pick up on others' signals also.
And I actually used those same exact words in either a blog entry or my last Note here.... make life happen instead of letting life happen to you :) We can refuse to be victims of circumstance.
Writing this on Saturday of NEXT WEEK. On Sunday mom came back from Venezuela for two months, so straightening up a bit. Did a spin class with Dallas, felt good, might start incorporating an hour spin class here and there. Set up the treadmill at 10 miles per hour (six-minute mile), grabbed on, and jumped on. BAD IDEA, but ONE OF THE if not THE funnest idea I've had for a while. Was able to hang on and then was able to jump back out. It could have been ugly. Do NOT try this. Let me be the crazy adventurous one. Ok, that's kind of selfish, but trust me, NOT something you want to try. That's about it for Sunday. Debbie out.
This is an old note from the 15th of May:
It struck me the other day when I was talking to somebody that I've changed so much and so quickly that people think this has been me all along and this is who I am. And I thought what better way to show the difference than to describe what my life was like just a year ago.
Why? Because people seem to be inspired by change. And if by knowing how much of a change my life has gone through is able to inspire somebody else, then telling the story is worth it. Maybe I'm also trying to explain what going through this whole thing has been like.
I thought we'd start with elementary school. I was the one they picked to bully (and that went up all the way to the workplace, really, it never really stopped). I was never really part of the group. One of my earliest memories was when I was 6 years old or so and we all sat in a group, the whole class with the teacher, and went around trying to figure out what was wrong with me. My first grade teacher would pinch me and pull my hair. On a private bus I accidentally poked someone on the ear with an errant pen and I was the only one without ice cream. During camp someone's pajamas went missing and I was blamed and I had to skip the search for a ghost which I really wanted to go to and then they found the pajamas inside the person's bag and then a bunch of people made fun of me for being too scared to go on the ghost search. I went on a religious group overnight sleepover and in the morning we were going out to pick up new members and go out to eat or something and my shoes went missing and I was made to stay behind by myself in the house.
I'd be sitting down and someone would come and start kicking a soccer ball against me over and over again and I'd let them. I'd try to leave the room to get a teacher to stop the teasing and I'd be dragged to the floor by my lab coat.
One of the most significant events in my life happened in fifth grade. I had an argument with someone in third or fourth grade, and I think there was pushing back and forth; I don't really remember and I was never the kind of person to shove back even if shoved. Her cousin was in my grade and next thing I know, the younger cousin is telling everyone I shoved her so hard I knocked the wind out of her. So a bunch of fifth and sixth graders corner me in front of the bus (on school property, and I could have sworn I saw at least one administrator looking) and proceeded to kick, pinch, and berate me. When they finished I went into the bus and I cried. The bus driver, who had been sitting there, said that it was a shame. You think?
That was the last time I ever cried in public. I was never going to allow myself to cry in public again.
I was too fat to run so I would walk in P.E. around the track while everyone else ran, and as early as fifth grade if not earlier I would pray to G-d to let me be happy one day, and that if I got a sign that I would, I would put up with anything.
In college people would leave anonymous comments in my website's guestbook about what a disgusting pig I was. They didn't have to, I myself have looked in the mirror and called myself a loser.
My life was defined by fear. Fear of not being liked, fear of making mistakes, fear of life. I spent 31 years eating and watching TV. I'd spend 4-5 hours a day laying on the couch watching TV. My daily diet consisted of pizza rolls, hot pockets, large pizza, bagel bites, cheese sticks, etc.
Been suffering from depression since at least fifth grade. On therapist 31 or so (because of a few minor things, like losing a dad, having to adjust to a new body, psychological changes of losing 75 lbs, wanting to change the inside as well as the outside, etc.). I always felt I wasn't really living but just existing until my real life started. I think it did.
My life would have been so different if I could take this Debbie back. I probably would have gotten suspended a couple of times but no one would have ever dared to pick on me again. Life would have been an adventure. But I like two quotes I've come across. The first one is that you cannot change the past but you can rewrite your future. The second is that life DOES have do-overs. If you need an example, here it is.
I want to briefly touch on what my dad dying did to me. June 3rd, 2009. I talk to my dad on the 2nd at night, tell him "Talk to you tomorrow," and hours later he's dead. Slipped down the stairs at home, hit his head, and died. Great physical and mental shape. Something like that breaks you. It's like there's a hole poked in your soul. You can mend it, but you'll always be able to tell something happened there. I went to Venezuela never expecting to go back. And it's like I picture my life having two timelines and this is a weird alternate one I was never supposed to be on. I had never gotten overwhelmed. When I was there, I'd get overwhelmed and I'd have to step to the side and just breathe because life itself was just too much. I got to enjoy bathrooms a lot, because they were small and quiet. I never saw my dad dead because Jews don't do that. The only proof I have that he's dead is that he hasn't called me since. New Debbie would have opened that casket. Touch him one last time, try to poke him to get him to wake up.
It's really like G-d came to me one day and said, Here, have this new life, where everything as you know it will change. You'll be stronger, better, both inside and out, you'll find a strength and a love of life you never knew existed and you yourself will change. Oh, yeah. Your dad? Not a part of it.
If I had to choose between a five-minute visit from my dad and all this, I wouldn't know any of you. Just to tell him one last time that I love him, that I'm sorry for broken promises and all those times I didn't call and for not being the perfect daughter. Just to hug him and touch him one last time.
And you really have something happen TO you instead of you MAKING IT happen, and you try to explain that to people. You think I chose any of this? This is as far from anything I ever would have chosen. So when people ask me what made me choose to change my life and exercise..... I didn't. I had no choice in the matter, all I could do was hang on for dear life while all this happened (and keeps happening).
And when you wake up one day and you get handed over pretty much a new life, you are really in awe that you get to live out this life. You wake up and go, Really? I really get to live out this life? This is really mine? I get to keep it?
And you develop a fear of losing all of this, of going back. Because one day you wake up and go to the gym and never stop and the cravings stop and never come back and you don't understand why or how it happened, and you're scared of losing it all and having to go back to who you once were, and you want to get as much of this as you can because you never know how long you'll have it for.
This is the best way I can explain it: Imagine the most delicious [insert your favorite flavor] ice cream [or most favorite food] in the world. No calories, no fat, you can eat as much as you want, and it's a bottomless container, and you don't know if it will ever run out, so you eat and eat and eat in fear of the faucet of ice cream shutting off, if you will. That's why I exercise four to six hours a day, because there's always the fear that tomorrow the drive will be gone and I'll be in bed again and I want to get as much ice cream in as I can before it's taken away from me. Because remember, none of this was a choice.
On trips all I'd want to do is lay in bed reading. Now my motto is Anything, Anywhere, Anytime. I like my music when I work out because it motivates me but sometimes I skip the iPod because I want to be in the moment, I want to experience life happening.
And you know, life isn't perfect. I still have many goals to go. But it has started, and the changes have started happening, and it's all the good kind of uphill from here (although is there a kind of bad uphill? ;)).
Do you know how ironic it is that my dad dying was the event that set off the best year of my life? That's something I have to live with the rest of my life. That it really feels like he died so that I could live? That he would have been my biggest supporter and no matter how many triathlons I finish he can never see any of them, I can never give him any of this?
The depression comes and goes and Old Debbie would lay in bed. New Debbie gives it the finger on the way to boot camp.
So next time I say thank you for believing in me when my whole life it seemed most people didn't, all of this is what I'm really saying thank you for.
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May 26th:
I've always wanted to go skydiving. Old Debbie wanted to do a lot of things. New Debbie does them for her. So what better day than today, my birthday? My first birthday after I got my second lease in life.
I get there early, straight from work. Bad move, since I got there so early I had time to think. And then I get nervous. And then I ramble, to the point that the people who work there are telling me (jokingly) to shut up lol Filled out a bunch of forms about how this could result in injury or death. About how we were about to be inappropriately groped in private places (I almost put "Only if you're hot" next to my initials). Then into a room where we watched a video about, what else, how we could die or be injured. Then we had to show how we could fold our legs into ourselves from a sitting position and .... I couldn't. They wouldn't budge. I'm thinking are you freaking kidding me, this is one of the hardest things for me in boot camp, I wish I would have practiced harder. The instructor is looking at me like are you freaking kidding me which was kind of cool because it means I at least look like I should be able to do it. After everyone left the room I was able to do it (and was able to do it easily when it counted, up in the air). Then we practiced the banana, laying on a round rolling soft round chair thingie, head tilted back, legs folded back, arms first tucked in front then at 90 degree angles out.
True to what I was told by a staff member, you go from fear to gung-ho back to fear back to gung-ho and up and down and up and down and I want to go already and I want to go home. Then it was time to suit up and get the harness on. Then we watched the first wave go (I was in the second wave). Everyone's chutes opened. Whew. Seven of them. Perfect landings. Then we went inside to get our instructors (tandem jump). I went to talk to the first wave, specially the woman, and they all said it was amazing. Then I hear "Debbie!! DEBBIE!!" and run to find my instructor. Since I took so long getting to him we were last on the plane..... first to jump. And they told me the worst parts were the ride up in the plane, the tugging when the chute opens, and the landing. But as we were going up, all I felt was peace. It soothed me to look down into the ever-disappearing ground. It brought me peace.
And I started thinking about my dad. For those of you who don't know, on 6/3/09, we got a call that he slipped down the stairs at home (in Venezuela), hit his head, and died. I had talked to him briefly six hours before and the last words I ever said to him were "Talk to you tomorrow." He was in great physical and mental health, 69-years-old. And I've been hiking and if you think about it, you can slip and die. It's possible. Specially hanging from rocks in the middle of nowhere or going downhill. And then this. But he died at home. If you gotta go, you gotta go, and hiding from life at home isn't going to protect you (not that he was doing that, just saying). And I wasn't afraid. I think it was my dad's time to go and G-d took him that way to remind me for the rest of my life to never keep from doing something out of fear. Fear can never again be a deciding factor in my life. Anything, anywhere, anytime. And I was not nervous. I pictured myself going over the side of the plane falling, and I felt peace. And then it was time to go, get clipped to my awesome instructor, goggles on, and off the side of the plane we went. And then I didn't stop yelling until we hit the ground. But yelling helps me deal with fear and nervousness :) It won't stop me from doing something, it just helps me get through it. That's going to be a funny video once I get it in a couple of days, and should make for some good pics. Your face feels like it's being plastered. And then the chute opened, and it wasn't that bad of a pull. But then the freaking TURNING began. If there's something that I didn't like about the jump, it was turning in circles, I hate that feeling of just one side of your body is falling down and being pulled back. I steered the parachute a bit. Then he took it back and he braked it a bit and we did a perfect landing. I think we ended up in our butts but I felt him land first, my legs folded after all. The ascent was perfect, the pull of the parachute was nothing, the landing was phenomenal, just a tremendous rush and experience, and afterwards I was shaking so bad a staff member had to put my tip in the envelope, I couldn't get the bills in. When I landed I literally kissed the ground and got dirt inside my mouth. Crunchy. Could still feel it an hour later.
Can't wait to see the video and pictures. And once you jump out of a plane, everything else pales by comparison. Once you go on "extreme" adventures, everything else pales in comparison. And you need more more more each time, something harder, tougher, badder, bigger. Once I actually DO something, it's like meh. The Sprint Triathlon didn't even feel like a challenge because I overtrained (64 laps instead of 32, 28 miles instead of 19 on the bike, 10K instead of 5K). What I love is the feeling of having to push, the feeling of having to meet a challenge. Once I meet it, it's no longer a challenge and I lose interest. I thought about jumping more and I think what I'm going to do is get my 25 tandem jumps in, then do a jump by myself, then not jump again, because I have way too many other things I want to do. But I do want to jump by myself one day.
It was an amazing experience. And when I was signing up I was able to claim I was height and weight proportionate and it felt good, and then I realized I probably wouldn't have been able to go skydiving before even if I wanted to because of the weight.
I think that's why I'm starting to warm up to how my body looks and feels now, because it's not keeping me from doing what I want.
Highly recommended experience, I will definitely be back to do it again one day =)
Don't be afraid of life. Embrace it. Do what you want to do. And you know what I was thinking on that plane and going up to the plane? It actually would take ACTION -NOT- to do it... i.e. walking away. If I just followed the person in front of me I wouldn't even have to think, I just had to keep moving forward and just follow orders to go through the experience. Don't hide from life, live it. Don't be scared of things. Or be scared but do them anyway. That's what I do.
Debbie out.
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A way to beat depression?
If you haven't heard before, I've suffered from depression since at least 5th grade, so that makes it about 22 years by now, or over 2/3's of my life. 30 or so therapists, group therapy, support groups, medication, the whole shebang, and nothing. What do you do? In my case I just learned to live with it the best I could, and it was something that came and went and I had no control over how often and for how long and to what degree, the only thing I could do is wait until it left and then just go on living.
When I started exercising on 7/3/09 it went away almost completely for a few months (I can remember 2 "episodes" in that time) and just came back a couple of months ago. When you have chronic depression you never really think it's gone for good because it always comes back and you don't want to set yourself up for disappointment. But when it came back a couple of months ago, I was Exercise Debbie as opposed to Old Debbie, so I couldn't react to it the same. So I started ignoring it. If it came, I'd talk to it out loud, say I didn't have time for it, and just ignore and go on with what I was doing.
Then 5/22/10 came around. A boot camp extreme challenge. And after it was done and we were walking a rocky trail back to the cars, something happened to me. I'm not sure what it was or what it means or what changes it will bring. I just know something happened. And one of the things I knew from that point forward is that I could never be depressed gain. I don't know WHY, I just know that I can't be depressed ever again. Sometimes through this whole fitness journey I just "know" things. I don't think I can, I know I will. And there's a huge difference. I went from six minutes of running to half an hour of running based on what a person said on Facebook, and when I started that half hour run, I laughed out loud, because I KNEW I was going to do it, and it felt great to know that at the beginning of the run.
So I've felt 2-3 depression episodes coming these past few days, and I just put my foot down and said "no." I refuse. Literally saying out loud, no, I refuse. No. No no no no no no no. Just no. You can't come at all. And me personally I think ignoring something and refusing something -- like night and day, completely different, even though outwardly they have the same appearance. I refuse to be depressed ever again.
I've learned two things these past couple of days. One, it helps to shut your brain off and just go sometimes. We think too much. Just set it aside and just experience life instead of thinking about life. Feel the earth beneath your feet, the wind in your hair, the sun in your face.... FEEL life.
Second, sometimes it's harder to give up than to go. When you're at the edge of the "figurative" cliff, isn't it easier to just jump than to turn around and walk all the way back to the car? Sometimes it's easier to accomplish something than to back away.
And I don't know why mention those last two points, but I think they have something to do with the whole "no" thing.
Start making life happen instead of just letting life happen. Take the reigns and start directing your life. You can be anything and do anything. Have you ever wanted to do something? What's the difference between you now and you doing that something? Is it just taking action? That's a huge thing, taking action. What's stopping you? Picture yourself doing it, and just do it. Because there's really nothing stopping you. Just fear, self-doubt, but all of those are in your head, and all of those you can say No to. Refuse to be a victim. Refuse to let life happen to you. Anything you don't like, you actually have the power to refuse, to say no. I refuse to be weak anymore, to have fear control my life, to be depressed, to be anything less than everything I want to be. And there's no difference between you and me.
In the blog I wrote that people say to just turn the depression off, to turn the switch, and I said that I had been dealing with it for 20 years and I hadn't found a way to do that, so that if they knew how, please share. So I figured I'd do the same.
How long will this last? I don't know. Will this actually work? I don't know. Will I ever be depressed again? I don't know. I just know I refuse, and I have the power to say no and to make my life whatever I want it to be. And that's what I want to share with you. Grab that power and say no to your thing, because we all have our thing. Refuse your thing. Control your life. Make your life.
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Written Sunday:
9th day depression-free. Just say No! Fifth straight day of writing at least 300 words a day. More and more I realize that anytime you see anybody who's overweight, depressed, isolated, weighted down, etc. .... that's not a lazy, unmotivated person. That's someone who had Life happen to them. It happens to all of us. Go talk to them and find out what their story is.
I think while learning to listen to my body first because of the food and then because of the exercise, I found a way to listen to my soul ;) I've learned quite a few things on this journey, I'll write them up one of these days. But I think if you fine-tune your senses in order to capture more of you, you can't help but pick up on others' signals also.
And I actually used those same exact words in either a blog entry or my last Note here.... make life happen instead of letting life happen to you :) We can refuse to be victims of circumstance.
On Saturday I went to the drag races at the Speedway. It feels good to move around and do things and go places and experience new things instead of sitting at home watching TV.
Writing this on Saturday of NEXT WEEK. On Sunday mom came back from Venezuela for two months, so straightening up a bit. Did a spin class with Dallas, felt good, might start incorporating an hour spin class here and there. Set up the treadmill at 10 miles per hour (six-minute mile), grabbed on, and jumped on. BAD IDEA, but ONE OF THE if not THE funnest idea I've had for a while. Was able to hang on and then was able to jump back out. It could have been ugly. Do NOT try this. Let me be the crazy adventurous one. Ok, that's kind of selfish, but trust me, NOT something you want to try. That's about it for Sunday. Debbie out.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Monday, May 17th, 2010, through Sunday, May 23rd, 2010.
THURSDAY MORNING - It has been a great week so far, can't complain. There was a Groupon (Group coupon) deal and like over 1500 people signed up for a month of boot camp for $25 (20 sessions). I missed Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday of last week because of the triathlon so that I didn't meet most new people until this Monday. The boot camp experience is now very very different, because instead of 4-10 people per session now we have 15-22. I didn't like it at first because our first instinct is always to recoil at change. And I like people and I think I'm social but the weight and the depression and everything else made it very hard my whole life to ACT social, and the bigger the group the shyer I get and the more I pull back, so it was an adjustment. But I'm getting more comfortable now being part of a huge group (for me 20 is a huge group). Although I did that by just picking out a person or two at a time to talk to. Everyone I've met so far is very nice.
But if you have more people you necessarily are going to get less attention per class. And I've been going to boot camp now for just over two and a half months. You get a bit coddled in the beginning, come on, you can do it, and you break through some mental barriers (or a lot). Could I have done everything I've done in boot camp so far without coddling? Maybe, maybe not. It helps. And sooner or later you switch over and become a Veteran, and start doing stuff on your own, and start breaking your own barriers with just your own internal strength. And I think all these new boot campers and the ensuing higher amount of by-myself time (i.e. without someone right next to me saying good job, way to go, you can do it, faster faster faster, don't you give up on me) kind of push you, if you are ready, from that external to internal drive. It's still nice to get it, but you don't NEED someone else pushing you all the time because you've learned to push yourself. And you develop a certain kind of internal toughness and you can now go at it alone or in a group (and as you develop that whole I can do this by myself now mentality you also have to watch that when it's time to go back in a group you accept help..... it's a balance).
But it's kind of a perfect timing because last week, just randomly with no specific event, I started going harder at it, started with last week Monday's Mission Impossible (for some reason I always get life-changing experiences out of Mission Impossibles, as in my first day of boot camp).
FRIDAY MORNING: I don't know which way I like better, small and intimate or huge group. I could go either way. What would be really nice is to have days of both sprinkled throughout the week. We'll see what happens.
I don't know what happened Tuesday but the boot camp session wore me out, haven't felt that wiped out in weeks, and I stayed in bed all day sleeping and recuperating. Finally getting over Tuesday. The rest of the week has been uneventful, but I want to talk about a few things. Let's start with the mission impossible that happened last week Monday.
I went faster than before, nothing was going to stop me. I needed a fast day. Eyes says to me during the kicking of the bag that faster is not always better, and I'm thinking to myself, trying to have a life-changing moment here. I needed fast that day, and I'm glad I got to have it.
There's three more things I want to talk about. Let's fast-forward a bit to Thursday's boot camp. There's a new person there, and we've talked a little bit on Facebook, and we got partnered up to carry one of the metal logs (filled with sand and rocks and stuff) on one shoulder and then lift it up over our heads and place on the other shoulder (arms day). And she had the upper body strength and I had the don't-stop-for-anything mentality. Add those two together and you can do anything, right? So right away I notice she's having an easier time raising the log that I am and that's where I go crap. On individual events the new people can kick my behind to Friday and back, but on a team event I'm not going to hold a new person back, I have to step up and be ahead of them so that I can pull them forward. So I pulled her mentally and she pulled me physically and we raised that stupid log 50 times (left-right counts as 1, not 2). You do feel proud of someone when they achieve something like that, gives you a warm fuzzy feeling. I could get used to that. And in a class that big, you have more of a chance to just be with your partner and motivate each other. But it's funny that I went to raise the log and it wouldn't budge and I'd look at her and she'd be ready to go and so I had to be ready to go too.
I don't know what it is about me and upper body strength. Is it mental or is it physical? I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that ANYbody will have more upper body strength than I do, just as I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that one day I'll beat anybody at running. Do I really not have the muscles or does my body still think it's fat? (well, yes to that last one, but I've had some kind of luck teaching my legs they're strong but that hasn't worked for my arms.... they're a stubborn little pair). Could I really hang for a minute? Can I physically do it? Is it my mind keeping me back or do I really not have it yet?
Second thing I wanted to talk about is a dress. Went to someone's house for dinner. And I got the idea to dress up. Went to Ross and found this dress that was just made for me. To the side. Someone took it out of the rack and discarded it. I went to the changing room, I put it on, and I almost cried. I was pretty. It was the first time in ages that I looked in the mirror and said to myself, you look so pretty. And I did, too. And I used makeup for the first time since 2004. And I straightened my hair. Took me an hour of shopping and two hours to get ready. And that's significant for two reasons.
First one is that the way the depression manifests itself in me is that I don't do things; inaction. I'm all for baths, brushing your teeth, combing your hair, etc., but that's about it, i.e. I'll keep myself clean and good-smelly, but I don't really work on making myself look NICE. Clean, but not nice. Clean clothes and hair brushed and pulled back in a ponytail. So for someone who has been depressed for over two decades and never really cared how she looked to spend two hours getting ready to go somewhere.... it's huge. And I see seeds of that creeping out into other areas of my life. Not there yet, but it's like I can feel a huge change coming on.
The second significance of that is that I wanted to look nice for someone else. Like you know my crap, I want you to know the good side of me too. I want you to see the pretty. The flowery. I wanted to share the best side of me with somebody. And yes it's the inside that counts but the outside has significance also, like I don't care what the outside looks like but you're getting it as good as it gets. Maybe I'm not explaining it right, maybe I am, maybe it's hard to explain. My Gainesville Karate instructor always said you're a present to the world so wrap yourself up nicely. Something like that. But for someone who hasn't really shared her whole life to want to share the best part of her with someone else, that's huge too. So that dress had a lot of significance for me.
The third thing I wanted to talk about was the day my dad died, but I'm running late on other stuff, so that will have to wait. Depression's been coming and going this week, I have to literally flip it off every morning. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, most times so far it does.
FRIDAY NIGHT - And here we go again with the depression. Laying in bed just hurting, not being able to fall asleep, having to get up to go to work in less than an hour and then the boot camp extreme challenge right after work tomorrow. And it's funny that it's one of those things that people just say to turn off, or get over it. I've spent over two decades trying to do just that, so if you figure out a way, please let me know. The best I've figured out is how to ignore it when I can and put up with it when I can't. But you can't choose when it comes or goes or how long it stays.
Had a good day in boot camp. We had to gather these flags and I got seven and was about to gather the eight and someone comes in from behind me and grabs the last one and ties with me, and one person got eight, so I was thisclose to tying for #1. But maybe it was meant to be and maybe being #1 will mean something to her the way some things have meant something to me in boot camp. And next time I just have to go harder. That's the thing, in boot camp you really have to give it your all all the time because you never know who's coming up from right behind you and every second counts.
Then at the end we ran up towers, and I came in first. But when I reached the bottom, everyone was just starting to run down the last hill. I can run down fast in paved ground, not so much in dirt or rocky roads (well, depends..... I do worse with small slippery rocks.... it's not so much the terrain but how much traction it has). I practice going at it as fast as I can, though, every time I go down a hill, I throw myself at it. When we were going up we're almost to the top and I hear someone breath hard. That was her mistake. I had no idea she was there or that close to me. I was very close to the top and there was no way she was passing me, and she didn't. I got up there first. Less than three months ago I could barely make it up there now I'm being #1 over people who are fitter than me like it's nobody's business.
Being number one. What's the importance behind it? I've never been number one in my life. But there's something more than that. Because you can be number one outside, but then you have to be number one inside. You have to internalize it. Like I'm not a person that is number one. I'm the person left behind. I'm the person that never seemed to catch a break or accomplish anything. Call center job, in debt, no husband or kids or close friends. Nothing. That's the person you tell yourself you are. And that's who you become. And then one day someone comes along and tells you you are someone else. For example, 100 sit-ups. And someone comes along and tells you you can do 100 sit-ups. And you tell them in your head no, they're wrong, they got the wrong person, you are NOT someone who can do 100 sit-ups. And they show you that you are wrong. What now? Well, first you have to change the definition of who you think you are. But that shatters your whole worldview because if you were wrong about this, what else are you wrong about? Next time you think you can't do something, something in the back of your head plants a seed of doubt. And that seed gets stronger and stronger. 50 burpies? Are you freaking kidding me you can't do 50 burpies? Who do you think you are, Loser Debbie? She's banished to the basement until we can figure out a way to get rid of her forever, but she's not allowed out in the meantime. Still escapes sometimes, but we throw her right back in.
I'm at a point in my life where I need to push against something. A place, a better time, a longer distance, something harder. That hill is my depression, and although I can't "beat" the real one, I can beat that hill. It allows me to personify the depression, and fight back. And I haven't really had that my whole life. More than exercise, it's tough exercise. I wish I had found that earlier in life, maybe even in my teens. But I wouldn't give up any experience I've had in my life. I will find a place and a reason for each one of them in time.
So you can be number one outside, but can you be number one inside? And what does someone who has always been last in life do when they find themselves first at "the finish line" ? Something has to give. And your mind doesn't really want to give up the loser mentality, it's all it knows and it's what it wants to keep.
But more than that, I'm just hooked in that pushing. What happens if I "win" something? Then I want to find something else to race, to do, to push. I was standing around down there for a few seconds catching my breath and drinking some water and seeing everyone up at the top of the hill and thought to myself, this sucks, I'm going back up there. I'm not about to stand around doing nothing, I want that pushing. I've both developed a hunger and found something that satisfies it.
I want to build my body into the best body it can be. Lean, strong, fast. I will not stop until it is in as good a shape as it can be. This coming year, the second of my fitness journey, will be about building, just as the first was about taking down. Inside and out. I am not about to work on the outside and leave the inside behind. There's no point in that. It has to come as a complete package. Ran out of time, Debbie Out for now.
SUNDAY AFTERNOON - Yesterday it was the extreme challenge "Rescue on the River." Grab a stretcher filled with 150 lbs and carry it between six people at a time through a muddy river and up and down banks. It was more than I expected and it was totally worth, it was an amazing experience. The worse part was getting stuck in the mud and getting rocks in my shoes. Trying tape around my ankles and over my shoes next time. Still going to do it again next time, but it was so much more than I expected that at least I feel crazy for wanting to do it over again. I realized I complain a lot (but still do whatever, so maybe it's my way to deal, but I don't like it, so I'm not complaining anymore). No more yelling, no more screaming, no more whining, just going to go at it hardcore starting tomorrow.
So we made it the whole way through. I couldn't do the banks. Next year I'll do the banks, up and down. But I carried that stretcher. A lot of time I was catching up to the stretcher, and realized showing up isn't enough, you have to carry your weight, and I did it some. Didn't make it through the current all the way through the last flag, that's another thing for next year.
But something happened on the way back from the challenge, walking in line. I don't know what it was. But I realized I have to be the strong one now. I have to be the one others lean on. I have to get rid of any negativity and weakness (as much as I can for as much as I can). And I can never again be depressed. I told myself I would never get depressed again. No, Debbie, No. No. No. No. And I was in the car either yesterday or today and felt it coming and just said No. I refuse. Just No. That's it. I refuse. I'm not going to ignore it or put up with it anymore, I'm just not going to allow myself to be depressed anymore. It's time to really change my life. That's step numbers one and two. Take care of my personal affairs. It's time to grow up. No more whining, complaining, weakness. No more. I refuse. And it went away within a couple of minutes. We'll see how that goes. I refuse to be a victim of life anymore.
Let's say you have two people on top of a cliff, with rocks and water below, and you have to jump to move forward. What makes one person jump vs. the other not jumping? What is it in people that one day just makes us go? Do we find an inner strength, do we just get fed up enough with our current situation, do we find something that inspires us or does something finally spark "the answer" in us? What is it that makes us jump? What is that click that produces action? If you figure it out, let me know, and I'll make sure to do the same.
Something happened to me during that walk. I don't know what it was. And I don't know what it means or what it will entail or what it will change. But I wasn't the same once I got back to the car area. And nothing spectacular or out of the ordinary has happened so far. But it's like a balloon.... you blow and blow and blow and blow and all of a sudden, pop. Building, building, building, and all of a sudden, action. And I have a feeling it will all come to a head tomorrow at boot camp, that I will see the first results of whatever happened there. But I realized I have to take control and take the reigns of my life and just go. Just go already. It's time to let life stop happening and it's time to MAKE life happen. Make my life happen, more specifically. Time to take charge. I haven't really changed that much. I still let things happen. No more.
Something about the challenge was that just to get to the challenge area we had to go down 2-3 steep hills. And I kept repeating out loud "I don't do hills" as I was climbing down then. Next hill, I'm going down. On my feet or rolling, I don't really care. The next downhill I encounter will be mine.
Someone just commented that a difference in jumping or not (Facebook) is that one person thinks about it too much and the other one just does it. Is that it? Is that really it? Another person commented that I think things too much. Is it just taking action, no matter what that action is, instead of thinking about it so much?
It's a new week, day, month, year, life, Debbie, whatever. Starts now. Debbie out.
But if you have more people you necessarily are going to get less attention per class. And I've been going to boot camp now for just over two and a half months. You get a bit coddled in the beginning, come on, you can do it, and you break through some mental barriers (or a lot). Could I have done everything I've done in boot camp so far without coddling? Maybe, maybe not. It helps. And sooner or later you switch over and become a Veteran, and start doing stuff on your own, and start breaking your own barriers with just your own internal strength. And I think all these new boot campers and the ensuing higher amount of by-myself time (i.e. without someone right next to me saying good job, way to go, you can do it, faster faster faster, don't you give up on me) kind of push you, if you are ready, from that external to internal drive. It's still nice to get it, but you don't NEED someone else pushing you all the time because you've learned to push yourself. And you develop a certain kind of internal toughness and you can now go at it alone or in a group (and as you develop that whole I can do this by myself now mentality you also have to watch that when it's time to go back in a group you accept help..... it's a balance).
But it's kind of a perfect timing because last week, just randomly with no specific event, I started going harder at it, started with last week Monday's Mission Impossible (for some reason I always get life-changing experiences out of Mission Impossibles, as in my first day of boot camp).
FRIDAY MORNING: I don't know which way I like better, small and intimate or huge group. I could go either way. What would be really nice is to have days of both sprinkled throughout the week. We'll see what happens.
I don't know what happened Tuesday but the boot camp session wore me out, haven't felt that wiped out in weeks, and I stayed in bed all day sleeping and recuperating. Finally getting over Tuesday. The rest of the week has been uneventful, but I want to talk about a few things. Let's start with the mission impossible that happened last week Monday.
I went faster than before, nothing was going to stop me. I needed a fast day. Eyes says to me during the kicking of the bag that faster is not always better, and I'm thinking to myself, trying to have a life-changing moment here. I needed fast that day, and I'm glad I got to have it.
There's three more things I want to talk about. Let's fast-forward a bit to Thursday's boot camp. There's a new person there, and we've talked a little bit on Facebook, and we got partnered up to carry one of the metal logs (filled with sand and rocks and stuff) on one shoulder and then lift it up over our heads and place on the other shoulder (arms day). And she had the upper body strength and I had the don't-stop-for-anything mentality. Add those two together and you can do anything, right? So right away I notice she's having an easier time raising the log that I am and that's where I go crap. On individual events the new people can kick my behind to Friday and back, but on a team event I'm not going to hold a new person back, I have to step up and be ahead of them so that I can pull them forward. So I pulled her mentally and she pulled me physically and we raised that stupid log 50 times (left-right counts as 1, not 2). You do feel proud of someone when they achieve something like that, gives you a warm fuzzy feeling. I could get used to that. And in a class that big, you have more of a chance to just be with your partner and motivate each other. But it's funny that I went to raise the log and it wouldn't budge and I'd look at her and she'd be ready to go and so I had to be ready to go too.
I don't know what it is about me and upper body strength. Is it mental or is it physical? I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that ANYbody will have more upper body strength than I do, just as I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that one day I'll beat anybody at running. Do I really not have the muscles or does my body still think it's fat? (well, yes to that last one, but I've had some kind of luck teaching my legs they're strong but that hasn't worked for my arms.... they're a stubborn little pair). Could I really hang for a minute? Can I physically do it? Is it my mind keeping me back or do I really not have it yet?
Second thing I wanted to talk about is a dress. Went to someone's house for dinner. And I got the idea to dress up. Went to Ross and found this dress that was just made for me. To the side. Someone took it out of the rack and discarded it. I went to the changing room, I put it on, and I almost cried. I was pretty. It was the first time in ages that I looked in the mirror and said to myself, you look so pretty. And I did, too. And I used makeup for the first time since 2004. And I straightened my hair. Took me an hour of shopping and two hours to get ready. And that's significant for two reasons.
First one is that the way the depression manifests itself in me is that I don't do things; inaction. I'm all for baths, brushing your teeth, combing your hair, etc., but that's about it, i.e. I'll keep myself clean and good-smelly, but I don't really work on making myself look NICE. Clean, but not nice. Clean clothes and hair brushed and pulled back in a ponytail. So for someone who has been depressed for over two decades and never really cared how she looked to spend two hours getting ready to go somewhere.... it's huge. And I see seeds of that creeping out into other areas of my life. Not there yet, but it's like I can feel a huge change coming on.
The second significance of that is that I wanted to look nice for someone else. Like you know my crap, I want you to know the good side of me too. I want you to see the pretty. The flowery. I wanted to share the best side of me with somebody. And yes it's the inside that counts but the outside has significance also, like I don't care what the outside looks like but you're getting it as good as it gets. Maybe I'm not explaining it right, maybe I am, maybe it's hard to explain. My Gainesville Karate instructor always said you're a present to the world so wrap yourself up nicely. Something like that. But for someone who hasn't really shared her whole life to want to share the best part of her with someone else, that's huge too. So that dress had a lot of significance for me.
The third thing I wanted to talk about was the day my dad died, but I'm running late on other stuff, so that will have to wait. Depression's been coming and going this week, I have to literally flip it off every morning. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, most times so far it does.
FRIDAY NIGHT - And here we go again with the depression. Laying in bed just hurting, not being able to fall asleep, having to get up to go to work in less than an hour and then the boot camp extreme challenge right after work tomorrow. And it's funny that it's one of those things that people just say to turn off, or get over it. I've spent over two decades trying to do just that, so if you figure out a way, please let me know. The best I've figured out is how to ignore it when I can and put up with it when I can't. But you can't choose when it comes or goes or how long it stays.
Had a good day in boot camp. We had to gather these flags and I got seven and was about to gather the eight and someone comes in from behind me and grabs the last one and ties with me, and one person got eight, so I was thisclose to tying for #1. But maybe it was meant to be and maybe being #1 will mean something to her the way some things have meant something to me in boot camp. And next time I just have to go harder. That's the thing, in boot camp you really have to give it your all all the time because you never know who's coming up from right behind you and every second counts.
Then at the end we ran up towers, and I came in first. But when I reached the bottom, everyone was just starting to run down the last hill. I can run down fast in paved ground, not so much in dirt or rocky roads (well, depends..... I do worse with small slippery rocks.... it's not so much the terrain but how much traction it has). I practice going at it as fast as I can, though, every time I go down a hill, I throw myself at it. When we were going up we're almost to the top and I hear someone breath hard. That was her mistake. I had no idea she was there or that close to me. I was very close to the top and there was no way she was passing me, and she didn't. I got up there first. Less than three months ago I could barely make it up there now I'm being #1 over people who are fitter than me like it's nobody's business.
Being number one. What's the importance behind it? I've never been number one in my life. But there's something more than that. Because you can be number one outside, but then you have to be number one inside. You have to internalize it. Like I'm not a person that is number one. I'm the person left behind. I'm the person that never seemed to catch a break or accomplish anything. Call center job, in debt, no husband or kids or close friends. Nothing. That's the person you tell yourself you are. And that's who you become. And then one day someone comes along and tells you you are someone else. For example, 100 sit-ups. And someone comes along and tells you you can do 100 sit-ups. And you tell them in your head no, they're wrong, they got the wrong person, you are NOT someone who can do 100 sit-ups. And they show you that you are wrong. What now? Well, first you have to change the definition of who you think you are. But that shatters your whole worldview because if you were wrong about this, what else are you wrong about? Next time you think you can't do something, something in the back of your head plants a seed of doubt. And that seed gets stronger and stronger. 50 burpies? Are you freaking kidding me you can't do 50 burpies? Who do you think you are, Loser Debbie? She's banished to the basement until we can figure out a way to get rid of her forever, but she's not allowed out in the meantime. Still escapes sometimes, but we throw her right back in.
I'm at a point in my life where I need to push against something. A place, a better time, a longer distance, something harder. That hill is my depression, and although I can't "beat" the real one, I can beat that hill. It allows me to personify the depression, and fight back. And I haven't really had that my whole life. More than exercise, it's tough exercise. I wish I had found that earlier in life, maybe even in my teens. But I wouldn't give up any experience I've had in my life. I will find a place and a reason for each one of them in time.
So you can be number one outside, but can you be number one inside? And what does someone who has always been last in life do when they find themselves first at "the finish line" ? Something has to give. And your mind doesn't really want to give up the loser mentality, it's all it knows and it's what it wants to keep.
But more than that, I'm just hooked in that pushing. What happens if I "win" something? Then I want to find something else to race, to do, to push. I was standing around down there for a few seconds catching my breath and drinking some water and seeing everyone up at the top of the hill and thought to myself, this sucks, I'm going back up there. I'm not about to stand around doing nothing, I want that pushing. I've both developed a hunger and found something that satisfies it.
I want to build my body into the best body it can be. Lean, strong, fast. I will not stop until it is in as good a shape as it can be. This coming year, the second of my fitness journey, will be about building, just as the first was about taking down. Inside and out. I am not about to work on the outside and leave the inside behind. There's no point in that. It has to come as a complete package. Ran out of time, Debbie Out for now.
SUNDAY AFTERNOON - Yesterday it was the extreme challenge "Rescue on the River." Grab a stretcher filled with 150 lbs and carry it between six people at a time through a muddy river and up and down banks. It was more than I expected and it was totally worth, it was an amazing experience. The worse part was getting stuck in the mud and getting rocks in my shoes. Trying tape around my ankles and over my shoes next time. Still going to do it again next time, but it was so much more than I expected that at least I feel crazy for wanting to do it over again. I realized I complain a lot (but still do whatever, so maybe it's my way to deal, but I don't like it, so I'm not complaining anymore). No more yelling, no more screaming, no more whining, just going to go at it hardcore starting tomorrow.
So we made it the whole way through. I couldn't do the banks. Next year I'll do the banks, up and down. But I carried that stretcher. A lot of time I was catching up to the stretcher, and realized showing up isn't enough, you have to carry your weight, and I did it some. Didn't make it through the current all the way through the last flag, that's another thing for next year.
But something happened on the way back from the challenge, walking in line. I don't know what it was. But I realized I have to be the strong one now. I have to be the one others lean on. I have to get rid of any negativity and weakness (as much as I can for as much as I can). And I can never again be depressed. I told myself I would never get depressed again. No, Debbie, No. No. No. No. And I was in the car either yesterday or today and felt it coming and just said No. I refuse. Just No. That's it. I refuse. I'm not going to ignore it or put up with it anymore, I'm just not going to allow myself to be depressed anymore. It's time to really change my life. That's step numbers one and two. Take care of my personal affairs. It's time to grow up. No more whining, complaining, weakness. No more. I refuse. And it went away within a couple of minutes. We'll see how that goes. I refuse to be a victim of life anymore.
Let's say you have two people on top of a cliff, with rocks and water below, and you have to jump to move forward. What makes one person jump vs. the other not jumping? What is it in people that one day just makes us go? Do we find an inner strength, do we just get fed up enough with our current situation, do we find something that inspires us or does something finally spark "the answer" in us? What is it that makes us jump? What is that click that produces action? If you figure it out, let me know, and I'll make sure to do the same.
Something happened to me during that walk. I don't know what it was. And I don't know what it means or what it will entail or what it will change. But I wasn't the same once I got back to the car area. And nothing spectacular or out of the ordinary has happened so far. But it's like a balloon.... you blow and blow and blow and blow and all of a sudden, pop. Building, building, building, and all of a sudden, action. And I have a feeling it will all come to a head tomorrow at boot camp, that I will see the first results of whatever happened there. But I realized I have to take control and take the reigns of my life and just go. Just go already. It's time to let life stop happening and it's time to MAKE life happen. Make my life happen, more specifically. Time to take charge. I haven't really changed that much. I still let things happen. No more.
Something about the challenge was that just to get to the challenge area we had to go down 2-3 steep hills. And I kept repeating out loud "I don't do hills" as I was climbing down then. Next hill, I'm going down. On my feet or rolling, I don't really care. The next downhill I encounter will be mine.
Someone just commented that a difference in jumping or not (Facebook) is that one person thinks about it too much and the other one just does it. Is that it? Is that really it? Another person commented that I think things too much. Is it just taking action, no matter what that action is, instead of thinking about it so much?
It's a new week, day, month, year, life, Debbie, whatever. Starts now. Debbie out.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Monday, May 10th, 2010, through Sunday, May 16th, 2010
MONDAY MORNING: Another bad day. Sigh. So there I am driving to boot flipping the depression the bird (literally) telling it to F off and just with the biggest smile on my face due to the irony of it all, feeling so great and so crappy all at the same time and not really having any say in the matter. Talked to my therapist and I'm going to try fish oil tablets first instead of psychotropic drugs and going to investigate ways to manage depression through nutrition (I'm huge on the belief that proper nutrition can solve many ailments, which is why I didn't fill up my acid reflux prescription, at least let me try modifying my "diet" first). In two more weeks I will call the couple of Tums I take a day a success if I'm still acid reflux-free.
How do you deal with the fact that your dad dying jump-started the best year of your life? (see there, I switched over to third person to distance myself from the situation).
Soooooo anyway modified schedule this week. Screw the depression, I'm doing my thing depressed or not. It wants to hurt, then let it hurt. Hoo-ah.
Monday (today) one hour of boot camp, then sleep, then Zumba, then one hour of swimming or Yoga, haven't decided yet. Probably Yoga. Going to keep the ankle weights, this will be the third class with them. Tuesday boot camp, two hours swimming, and a quick 5K. Wednesday the 30-mile Lake Las Vegas loop, no boot camp. Thursday no boot camp, two Zumbas, no ankle weights. Friday NO exercise at all. Saturday first triathlon. And although I know I can make it because I did it on my own already two weeks ago, I want to go all out, which is why I'm tapering off exercise even though I hate it. THREE days without boot camp (five total). They should sell boot camp in a vial to drink at home when you're going through withdrawals.
Going to do the same thing with the triathlon. First time going for finish, second for baseline, third one for time.
Had a good day in boot camp. Used to be I had a good day in boot camp, I was set for the week. Still gives me the warm fuzzies but I got this foggy cloud over me that numbs everything, so all I can do is show up and do my best and hope my body shows up too, which it did today. Just one more good day of boot camp and then I can recover for next Monday. I am going all out in this triathlon and pushing my body to limits I don't even know exist yet. I can hold my legs off the ground a minute and a half or so, my record. And I was second running (with no hope of being first for a long time). I WILL be first one day, even when the good runners are there, because I will be one of them. Like getting the black belt in Taekwondo. I don't want to get something or "be proud" just for showing up. For once in my life I want to be GOOD.
Debbie out.
MONDAY NIGHT: Finally got the high back, just for a little bit. Now it's just kind of neutral. But I got to try single-L Michele R's class for the first time, which was great. And it was the first time in ages that I felt "FIT." Not thin, not fat, fit. There's no denying there's been SOME improvement when it takes 8 lbs of weights, 5 lbs divided into 2.5 lbs in each leg and 3 lbs divided into 1.5 lbs in each hand, in order to finally get a workout in TKB. I love that I can make a class I've been taking for 8.5 months fresh again. First time wearing ankle weights in TKB, done it twice in Zumba. Skipped out Linda but it was a special occasion. I was actually surprised I lasted the whole class. I told myself first that I would see how long I would last and then told myself just half the class, but that's where the boot camp spirit kicked in and those ankle weights were only going to touch the floor if I collapsed. There are two things I can't do with them, I can't do jump tucks, for one. Not because of the weight but because the snapping motion makes the weights hit my ankles too hard. It's just not good. And sitting down and holding my feet up -- not happening with an extra 5 lbs on them. I can barely do it without any weights. One day, of course. Not today. But other than that I can do anything and even get some pretty good air on jumps. And I got a tremendous workout. Felt really good. But in a month or so I'm going to have to resort to also put on the weighted vest in a month or so in order to get a workout. The more weight I lose the more I want to put on. Start with 10 lbs and work myself up to 40 lbs. ..... TurboKick with a 40 lbs vest, 3 lbs hand weights and 5 lbs ankle weights....... one day. THAT will be pure awesomeness.
But it was great to feel like my "old" "new" self again, even for a little bit. Makes anything endurable.
Debbie out.
TUESDAY NIGHT: Well, today was both awesome and sucked, I'm beginning to see a trend. Day 9. Mission impossible in boot camp and I got further than ever before. Highlights: Sprinting up the hill (by myself, everyone was off in their own corners doing their own thing), telling myself "Come on, you F'er, don't you dare give up now." I like angry, self-loathing Debbie, at least when it comes to doing physical stuff. And then there was the running backwards. At the fourth stretch I fell to the floor, not because I tripped, but because my legs just gave out from pushing them beyond their limit. Got back up and trembled a bit on them but they held on. I happen to like it when I push my body to the point it gives out like that. Then I was doing the jog around the park talking to myself and knowing 50 burpies were next (bend down, legs out to the back, legs back in, jump up), and asking myself whether I would be stuck there, and then I asked out loud, "After everything you've seen, you're really wondering whether you can do 50 burpies? Seriously?" May not have been perfect form, but 50 it was. 100 triceps weight dips. Not perfectly, but 100. I did get stuck on the fence walking and Eyes had me just go on to the next, so I pretty much ended my good run there. My arms were so heavy they would just not move (you have your arms on the ground and are at an angle with your feet on top of a metal fence, and you have to walk across it). That fence is still my nemesis. One day. I can taste the victory.
One part of it was running around the perimeter of the grass touching every tree, and I had to pass a lot of memorial trees with plaques, and right around the fourth one I just start crying and said out loud "Why'd you have to die?!" So I don't know if that's just random or progress. Felt weepy a couple of times during boot camp but only let out once. Got to love individual days where you can do stuff without people noticing.
I love my ankle weights for TKB, make me feel like I'm accomplishing something, finally. No swimming today, forgot I have the monthly visitor, but thankfully started early enough that it won't be here for the actual triathlon.
At boot camp there's this other person (female) who is way skinnier and I think in better shape than me (and taller.... longer legs, better runner). And at first I beat her at running. Then Eyes had to go and do her thing and she started running the way she can run and the way I knew she could run (fitness is 90% mental), and she started leaving me behind every time a few times. Then yesterday I decided internally no you don't, and she kind of internally said ok and gave up and now I'm in front again. Today I sprinted at the end and right at the end passed someone I had been struggling with the whole run and giving up and catching up and giving up and catching up and came in third.
Debbie out.
WEDNESDAY MORNING: I am feeling just absolutely fantastic this morning. I know, surprised me too. So I guess that was nine days, let's see how the rest of the day goes.
I wanted to go a bit into body image. The more I can do, the more I hate my body. It's useless. It's slow. It's weak. I want to be the fastest, strongest, fittest, and I want it NOW. I'm so focused on what I can't do that what I CAN do falls by the wayside. And I'm not sure I want to change this, because it's the best way to ensure fast results, to always be hungry for more. It's a way of being I'm not sure I dislike.
The stomach is going down about an inch a month, and as long as it keeps it up, I'm happy. Hopefully won't have to do plastic surgery. Down to 38 now. I measure across the bellybutton and the widest parts. When you're about to lose weight no one really tells you that you will keep all the fat-less skin. I didn't think I would have this problem, especially losing an average of 1.8 lbs a week, since they recommend 1-2 lbs a week. Really hoping I don't need plastic surgery but I really want the skin to go away, it flaps when I run and it's embarrassing. You can actually hear it flapping. Flap flap flap flap.
Almost-40-mile loop today, so far the farthest I've biked is 19 miles. Looking forward to the challenge. I don't really think I can doubt myself anymore when it comes to fitness, I think the burpies yesterday were the straw that broke the camel's back.
Debbie out.
THURSDAY EARLY MORNING: Yesterday was a very good day. Skipped boot camp as planned and went to Michelle R.'s Zumba to take advantage of being free in the morning. Taking an instructor you took a lot but haven't for a long time is like slipping into a pair of comfortable pajamas. Then it was on to do the river loop in Lake Mead/Lake Las Vegas. My most that I had done biking had been 19 miles. The loop is 35 miles. I did 28.5 miles in 4.5 hours. It's a lot of uphill biking so it's slow going (at least for me) and I'm on a mountain bike, so it's more work than if I was on a road bike. I walked The Three Sisters. That was hard for me, because it was admitting defeat to life. I'll be back and one day I'll bike them. Also walked a couple of short hilly ones at the end. About a mile from where I stopped the trail changes into downhills with hairspins turns and I'm actually kind of glad I got tired before them, I'm too new and they are for experienced riders and I'd probably would have tried them and maybe injured or even killed myself on them.
Is there a better feeling in the world than the lake to your right, the mountains to your left, and Stacy's Mom on the iPod? Pure awesomeness. I really like mountains, more than beaches. Have been like that my whole life. So living in Las Vegas really works for me. But I get pleasure of looking at hilly rocky terrain, I find it beautiful.
I was going up a hill and thought, "Eyes, get me through this hill" then answered myself with "You got yourself into this mess, you get yourself out of it." Had really emotional songs towards the beginning of the ride that I hadn't heard in a while so weeped a little. Sometimes I'm glad I'm so slow I'm left behind to myself sometimes.
Ate 1380 calories during the ride, 300 before it plus six protein bars at 180 each. Drank 96 oz of fluid (Powerade and water).
Today feel great, and have since I'm skipping boot camp have Rachel's TKB at 10, Michelle R.'s TKB at night (which I haven't taken in a while) following by Donalin's Zumba and an hour of swimming. I want to work up my endurance to two hours of swimming. I do about 64 laps in that hour. Tomorrow no exercise, Saturday the triathlon. Something wrong with my bike's breaks so I have to take it to the shop to have it looked at in-between the TKBs.
MONDAY OF NEXT WEEK EARLY MORNING: On Thursday I took advantage of no boot camp again and took Rachel's TKB, and someone told me not to use ankle weights because the impact is bad on the joints. It makes sense so not more weights during cardio, going to find a way to make it harder with just body weight. Swan an hour. Took Michelle R.'s TKB sub and skipped Donalin's because of the left ankle pain.
On Thursday I also ate two slices of pizza. I was expecting angels singing or something like that but got ........ nothing. I mean it tastes good but so does the soup with vegetables I like. Afterwards my body felt horrible, the swim was harder, and it felt like I had eaten but I hadn't at the same time, because that food is so devoid of nutrients. It did not feel good at all. I'm going to make my own pizza. Going to use the Vitamix to ground beans and make flour from them, using fat-free cheese and sauce, grilled chicken, and baked potatoes cut into slices. See how that goes. My first "real" cooking, not completely out of a box.
Saturday was my first triathlon, the AFLAC Irongirl Sprint Triathlon. 800 meter swim, 30K bike, 5K run. I went to the expo and packet pickup on Friday afternoon and had a great time. Got an event hat, earplugs for swimming, Free samples of protein bars, water bottles, and foot soaks. Lots of cool stuff to buy. There's a ton of stuff you have to wear for the triathlon: Number for your bike, number for your bike helmet, number while running, special swim cap, ankle timing chip, and bracelet, and on the day of the event they mark you with your number on both arms and both legs and put your are on the back of your right calf. The timing chip goes on the left ankle so that it doesn't interfere with the bike chain (one of those tips you learn on your first tri). Before the event I took my bike to get checked and had the water bottle holder moved from all the way in the bottom to right in front in-between the handlebars standing up. Awesome. Also bought a little pouch for the middle bar that holds a surprisingly large amount of stuff and a number belt so that I don't have to deal anymore with safety pins.
I set the alarm for 2:30a. An hour to eat, an hour to get there by the time the transition area opened at 4:30a, then the start at 6:30a. I woke up at 4:20a. Looked at the alarm clock in horror wondering what happened, and it turns out I turned it off in my sleep. First time I do that since 2001. I had everything ready so I was out the door by 4:30a, made excellent time and was there a little after 5a, no parking spaces, went to the valet even though it was going to be $10, and stood in line to get the numbers painted on me. Got to the transition area, set up, I had eaten three protein bars in the car, drank, went to the port-a-potty, and when I was all finished they kicked everyone out of the transition area. Perfect timing. Then it was time to actually go do the triathlon and I started to get butterflies in my stomach, just like the night before, after being excited about it for days. That happens to me all the time, no nerves at all until right before, when I least need them. Got to the swim start area and got right in the middle. Everyone was going to start in tandem and everyone had their own chip so that when you started didn't affect your time, the timer started when you crossed the starting line. Then I REALLY started to get nervous. It was like waiting to go on Space Mountain and the biggest baddest waterslide all at the same time.
And then it's my turn to go. And I turn on the GPS watch and it's like I went into autopilot and I just went. Right into the lake. And that's when I realized that pool swimming is NOT like lake swimming. I'm sure I've been in lakes in my life but I can't remember the last time I was ON one, let alone IN one. For one, the water feels thicker, like it's denser. And it's so cloudy you can't see an inch in front of your face underwater. And the water has a current and it's wavy, so that water gets into your nose and mouth and makes it hard to breathe. Took me a few minutes to get used to it. Everybody else was pretty much keeping their head above water so I did the same for those few minutes then decided to swim the way I trained to, and I put my head below water and went (and by the end a lot of people were swimming underwater also). Hadn't really practiced scoping out the surroundings to keep on track but I did fairly well with that although I swam diagonally a lot to get back close to the side buoys. People kept grabbing on to my feet and body in general and some kept on going if they didn't get a good hold the first time around. I did manage to avoid getting kicked in the head. I decided to keep my hands in front as much as possible to reduce the possibility of people getting to my head.
Then the swim was over. It was so totally awesome, I really want to go lake swimming again. The bike was uneventful. I didn't walk, and a lot of people walked the hills. I had a mountain bike and noticed that I was pedaling twice as fast and going twice as slow as people with road bikes. Then again SOME people with mountain bikes were passing me and even those with road bikes, so it makes a difference up to a point. Finally getting a road bike sometime in the next two weeks, can't wait. I did great on the run, just slightly over my best and this was after doing the swim and the bike. I think running is going to be my strong suit. I got running instruction and am going to be getting swimming instruction at the gym.
Had some food afterward, bagel with peanut butter, ham and egg biscuit, and a banana, along with a Muscle Milk and some Gatorade. The bagel with peanut butter was just absolutely delicious. What I ate was great in that it rejuvenated my almost instantly and took the triathlon away, so that my body was ready to go again. It also almost doubled me over in pain because I guess you're not supposed to eat that much that fast all at once. But the pain didn't last long and the almost instant recovery was worth it. I'll put some numbers here later and analyze them, but needless to say running is my thing.
All in all it was an awesome experience and I'll do it again next year.
Sunday it was a volleyball game, bikers vs. boot campers, and we got our behinds handed to us. The bikers were in the field drinking beer and smoking and pounding us, and the best part is when one of them said "Good thing we're out of shape!!" And I realized one thing. Losing 75 lbs does NOTHING towards bettering your sports skills. I still suck at basketball and volleyball. With volleyball, I'm scared of getting hit by the ball, and I overcame that a little bit on Sunday.
Sunday was interesting in one respect. They had snack food and I tried one of everything, and then I found myself wanting some more. It was like someone turned on a switch that I couldn't turn off. So after snacking a little bit (I ate very little of the snacks) I went and sat on the couch to remove myself from the situation, and it worked. I ate a burger, a hot dog, and a blueberry muffin (which I found out later had like 30 grams of fat and over 600 calories..... never again I am checking my phone first for calories in the future, it definitely wasn't worth 600 calories). Then another person arrived and I went for another burger but I realized I was full and then went to put the plate away and then Eyes looks at me and says "You're done" and I say something like yes I am. It was just very weird, to reach for a burger when I wasn't hungry and not knowing why. I guess I haven't been bombarded with that much food in a while. But now I know I can always just walk away from it, if nothing else works.
And I think that's it for this week!! Good thing, as we're already on Thursday of next week!! Debbie out.
How do you deal with the fact that your dad dying jump-started the best year of your life? (see there, I switched over to third person to distance myself from the situation).
Soooooo anyway modified schedule this week. Screw the depression, I'm doing my thing depressed or not. It wants to hurt, then let it hurt. Hoo-ah.
Monday (today) one hour of boot camp, then sleep, then Zumba, then one hour of swimming or Yoga, haven't decided yet. Probably Yoga. Going to keep the ankle weights, this will be the third class with them. Tuesday boot camp, two hours swimming, and a quick 5K. Wednesday the 30-mile Lake Las Vegas loop, no boot camp. Thursday no boot camp, two Zumbas, no ankle weights. Friday NO exercise at all. Saturday first triathlon. And although I know I can make it because I did it on my own already two weeks ago, I want to go all out, which is why I'm tapering off exercise even though I hate it. THREE days without boot camp (five total). They should sell boot camp in a vial to drink at home when you're going through withdrawals.
Going to do the same thing with the triathlon. First time going for finish, second for baseline, third one for time.
Had a good day in boot camp. Used to be I had a good day in boot camp, I was set for the week. Still gives me the warm fuzzies but I got this foggy cloud over me that numbs everything, so all I can do is show up and do my best and hope my body shows up too, which it did today. Just one more good day of boot camp and then I can recover for next Monday. I am going all out in this triathlon and pushing my body to limits I don't even know exist yet. I can hold my legs off the ground a minute and a half or so, my record. And I was second running (with no hope of being first for a long time). I WILL be first one day, even when the good runners are there, because I will be one of them. Like getting the black belt in Taekwondo. I don't want to get something or "be proud" just for showing up. For once in my life I want to be GOOD.
Debbie out.
MONDAY NIGHT: Finally got the high back, just for a little bit. Now it's just kind of neutral. But I got to try single-L Michele R's class for the first time, which was great. And it was the first time in ages that I felt "FIT." Not thin, not fat, fit. There's no denying there's been SOME improvement when it takes 8 lbs of weights, 5 lbs divided into 2.5 lbs in each leg and 3 lbs divided into 1.5 lbs in each hand, in order to finally get a workout in TKB. I love that I can make a class I've been taking for 8.5 months fresh again. First time wearing ankle weights in TKB, done it twice in Zumba. Skipped out Linda but it was a special occasion. I was actually surprised I lasted the whole class. I told myself first that I would see how long I would last and then told myself just half the class, but that's where the boot camp spirit kicked in and those ankle weights were only going to touch the floor if I collapsed. There are two things I can't do with them, I can't do jump tucks, for one. Not because of the weight but because the snapping motion makes the weights hit my ankles too hard. It's just not good. And sitting down and holding my feet up -- not happening with an extra 5 lbs on them. I can barely do it without any weights. One day, of course. Not today. But other than that I can do anything and even get some pretty good air on jumps. And I got a tremendous workout. Felt really good. But in a month or so I'm going to have to resort to also put on the weighted vest in a month or so in order to get a workout. The more weight I lose the more I want to put on. Start with 10 lbs and work myself up to 40 lbs. ..... TurboKick with a 40 lbs vest, 3 lbs hand weights and 5 lbs ankle weights....... one day. THAT will be pure awesomeness.
But it was great to feel like my "old" "new" self again, even for a little bit. Makes anything endurable.
Debbie out.
TUESDAY NIGHT: Well, today was both awesome and sucked, I'm beginning to see a trend. Day 9. Mission impossible in boot camp and I got further than ever before. Highlights: Sprinting up the hill (by myself, everyone was off in their own corners doing their own thing), telling myself "Come on, you F'er, don't you dare give up now." I like angry, self-loathing Debbie, at least when it comes to doing physical stuff. And then there was the running backwards. At the fourth stretch I fell to the floor, not because I tripped, but because my legs just gave out from pushing them beyond their limit. Got back up and trembled a bit on them but they held on. I happen to like it when I push my body to the point it gives out like that. Then I was doing the jog around the park talking to myself and knowing 50 burpies were next (bend down, legs out to the back, legs back in, jump up), and asking myself whether I would be stuck there, and then I asked out loud, "After everything you've seen, you're really wondering whether you can do 50 burpies? Seriously?" May not have been perfect form, but 50 it was. 100 triceps weight dips. Not perfectly, but 100. I did get stuck on the fence walking and Eyes had me just go on to the next, so I pretty much ended my good run there. My arms were so heavy they would just not move (you have your arms on the ground and are at an angle with your feet on top of a metal fence, and you have to walk across it). That fence is still my nemesis. One day. I can taste the victory.
One part of it was running around the perimeter of the grass touching every tree, and I had to pass a lot of memorial trees with plaques, and right around the fourth one I just start crying and said out loud "Why'd you have to die?!" So I don't know if that's just random or progress. Felt weepy a couple of times during boot camp but only let out once. Got to love individual days where you can do stuff without people noticing.
I love my ankle weights for TKB, make me feel like I'm accomplishing something, finally. No swimming today, forgot I have the monthly visitor, but thankfully started early enough that it won't be here for the actual triathlon.
At boot camp there's this other person (female) who is way skinnier and I think in better shape than me (and taller.... longer legs, better runner). And at first I beat her at running. Then Eyes had to go and do her thing and she started running the way she can run and the way I knew she could run (fitness is 90% mental), and she started leaving me behind every time a few times. Then yesterday I decided internally no you don't, and she kind of internally said ok and gave up and now I'm in front again. Today I sprinted at the end and right at the end passed someone I had been struggling with the whole run and giving up and catching up and giving up and catching up and came in third.
Debbie out.
WEDNESDAY MORNING: I am feeling just absolutely fantastic this morning. I know, surprised me too. So I guess that was nine days, let's see how the rest of the day goes.
I wanted to go a bit into body image. The more I can do, the more I hate my body. It's useless. It's slow. It's weak. I want to be the fastest, strongest, fittest, and I want it NOW. I'm so focused on what I can't do that what I CAN do falls by the wayside. And I'm not sure I want to change this, because it's the best way to ensure fast results, to always be hungry for more. It's a way of being I'm not sure I dislike.
The stomach is going down about an inch a month, and as long as it keeps it up, I'm happy. Hopefully won't have to do plastic surgery. Down to 38 now. I measure across the bellybutton and the widest parts. When you're about to lose weight no one really tells you that you will keep all the fat-less skin. I didn't think I would have this problem, especially losing an average of 1.8 lbs a week, since they recommend 1-2 lbs a week. Really hoping I don't need plastic surgery but I really want the skin to go away, it flaps when I run and it's embarrassing. You can actually hear it flapping. Flap flap flap flap.
Almost-40-mile loop today, so far the farthest I've biked is 19 miles. Looking forward to the challenge. I don't really think I can doubt myself anymore when it comes to fitness, I think the burpies yesterday were the straw that broke the camel's back.
Debbie out.
THURSDAY EARLY MORNING: Yesterday was a very good day. Skipped boot camp as planned and went to Michelle R.'s Zumba to take advantage of being free in the morning. Taking an instructor you took a lot but haven't for a long time is like slipping into a pair of comfortable pajamas. Then it was on to do the river loop in Lake Mead/Lake Las Vegas. My most that I had done biking had been 19 miles. The loop is 35 miles. I did 28.5 miles in 4.5 hours. It's a lot of uphill biking so it's slow going (at least for me) and I'm on a mountain bike, so it's more work than if I was on a road bike. I walked The Three Sisters. That was hard for me, because it was admitting defeat to life. I'll be back and one day I'll bike them. Also walked a couple of short hilly ones at the end. About a mile from where I stopped the trail changes into downhills with hairspins turns and I'm actually kind of glad I got tired before them, I'm too new and they are for experienced riders and I'd probably would have tried them and maybe injured or even killed myself on them.
Is there a better feeling in the world than the lake to your right, the mountains to your left, and Stacy's Mom on the iPod? Pure awesomeness. I really like mountains, more than beaches. Have been like that my whole life. So living in Las Vegas really works for me. But I get pleasure of looking at hilly rocky terrain, I find it beautiful.
I was going up a hill and thought, "Eyes, get me through this hill" then answered myself with "You got yourself into this mess, you get yourself out of it." Had really emotional songs towards the beginning of the ride that I hadn't heard in a while so weeped a little. Sometimes I'm glad I'm so slow I'm left behind to myself sometimes.
Ate 1380 calories during the ride, 300 before it plus six protein bars at 180 each. Drank 96 oz of fluid (Powerade and water).
Today feel great, and have since I'm skipping boot camp have Rachel's TKB at 10, Michelle R.'s TKB at night (which I haven't taken in a while) following by Donalin's Zumba and an hour of swimming. I want to work up my endurance to two hours of swimming. I do about 64 laps in that hour. Tomorrow no exercise, Saturday the triathlon. Something wrong with my bike's breaks so I have to take it to the shop to have it looked at in-between the TKBs.
MONDAY OF NEXT WEEK EARLY MORNING: On Thursday I took advantage of no boot camp again and took Rachel's TKB, and someone told me not to use ankle weights because the impact is bad on the joints. It makes sense so not more weights during cardio, going to find a way to make it harder with just body weight. Swan an hour. Took Michelle R.'s TKB sub and skipped Donalin's because of the left ankle pain.
On Thursday I also ate two slices of pizza. I was expecting angels singing or something like that but got ........ nothing. I mean it tastes good but so does the soup with vegetables I like. Afterwards my body felt horrible, the swim was harder, and it felt like I had eaten but I hadn't at the same time, because that food is so devoid of nutrients. It did not feel good at all. I'm going to make my own pizza. Going to use the Vitamix to ground beans and make flour from them, using fat-free cheese and sauce, grilled chicken, and baked potatoes cut into slices. See how that goes. My first "real" cooking, not completely out of a box.
Saturday was my first triathlon, the AFLAC Irongirl Sprint Triathlon. 800 meter swim, 30K bike, 5K run. I went to the expo and packet pickup on Friday afternoon and had a great time. Got an event hat, earplugs for swimming, Free samples of protein bars, water bottles, and foot soaks. Lots of cool stuff to buy. There's a ton of stuff you have to wear for the triathlon: Number for your bike, number for your bike helmet, number while running, special swim cap, ankle timing chip, and bracelet, and on the day of the event they mark you with your number on both arms and both legs and put your are on the back of your right calf. The timing chip goes on the left ankle so that it doesn't interfere with the bike chain (one of those tips you learn on your first tri). Before the event I took my bike to get checked and had the water bottle holder moved from all the way in the bottom to right in front in-between the handlebars standing up. Awesome. Also bought a little pouch for the middle bar that holds a surprisingly large amount of stuff and a number belt so that I don't have to deal anymore with safety pins.
I set the alarm for 2:30a. An hour to eat, an hour to get there by the time the transition area opened at 4:30a, then the start at 6:30a. I woke up at 4:20a. Looked at the alarm clock in horror wondering what happened, and it turns out I turned it off in my sleep. First time I do that since 2001. I had everything ready so I was out the door by 4:30a, made excellent time and was there a little after 5a, no parking spaces, went to the valet even though it was going to be $10, and stood in line to get the numbers painted on me. Got to the transition area, set up, I had eaten three protein bars in the car, drank, went to the port-a-potty, and when I was all finished they kicked everyone out of the transition area. Perfect timing. Then it was time to actually go do the triathlon and I started to get butterflies in my stomach, just like the night before, after being excited about it for days. That happens to me all the time, no nerves at all until right before, when I least need them. Got to the swim start area and got right in the middle. Everyone was going to start in tandem and everyone had their own chip so that when you started didn't affect your time, the timer started when you crossed the starting line. Then I REALLY started to get nervous. It was like waiting to go on Space Mountain and the biggest baddest waterslide all at the same time.
And then it's my turn to go. And I turn on the GPS watch and it's like I went into autopilot and I just went. Right into the lake. And that's when I realized that pool swimming is NOT like lake swimming. I'm sure I've been in lakes in my life but I can't remember the last time I was ON one, let alone IN one. For one, the water feels thicker, like it's denser. And it's so cloudy you can't see an inch in front of your face underwater. And the water has a current and it's wavy, so that water gets into your nose and mouth and makes it hard to breathe. Took me a few minutes to get used to it. Everybody else was pretty much keeping their head above water so I did the same for those few minutes then decided to swim the way I trained to, and I put my head below water and went (and by the end a lot of people were swimming underwater also). Hadn't really practiced scoping out the surroundings to keep on track but I did fairly well with that although I swam diagonally a lot to get back close to the side buoys. People kept grabbing on to my feet and body in general and some kept on going if they didn't get a good hold the first time around. I did manage to avoid getting kicked in the head. I decided to keep my hands in front as much as possible to reduce the possibility of people getting to my head.
Then the swim was over. It was so totally awesome, I really want to go lake swimming again. The bike was uneventful. I didn't walk, and a lot of people walked the hills. I had a mountain bike and noticed that I was pedaling twice as fast and going twice as slow as people with road bikes. Then again SOME people with mountain bikes were passing me and even those with road bikes, so it makes a difference up to a point. Finally getting a road bike sometime in the next two weeks, can't wait. I did great on the run, just slightly over my best and this was after doing the swim and the bike. I think running is going to be my strong suit. I got running instruction and am going to be getting swimming instruction at the gym.
Had some food afterward, bagel with peanut butter, ham and egg biscuit, and a banana, along with a Muscle Milk and some Gatorade. The bagel with peanut butter was just absolutely delicious. What I ate was great in that it rejuvenated my almost instantly and took the triathlon away, so that my body was ready to go again. It also almost doubled me over in pain because I guess you're not supposed to eat that much that fast all at once. But the pain didn't last long and the almost instant recovery was worth it. I'll put some numbers here later and analyze them, but needless to say running is my thing.
All in all it was an awesome experience and I'll do it again next year.
Sunday it was a volleyball game, bikers vs. boot campers, and we got our behinds handed to us. The bikers were in the field drinking beer and smoking and pounding us, and the best part is when one of them said "Good thing we're out of shape!!" And I realized one thing. Losing 75 lbs does NOTHING towards bettering your sports skills. I still suck at basketball and volleyball. With volleyball, I'm scared of getting hit by the ball, and I overcame that a little bit on Sunday.
Sunday was interesting in one respect. They had snack food and I tried one of everything, and then I found myself wanting some more. It was like someone turned on a switch that I couldn't turn off. So after snacking a little bit (I ate very little of the snacks) I went and sat on the couch to remove myself from the situation, and it worked. I ate a burger, a hot dog, and a blueberry muffin (which I found out later had like 30 grams of fat and over 600 calories..... never again I am checking my phone first for calories in the future, it definitely wasn't worth 600 calories). Then another person arrived and I went for another burger but I realized I was full and then went to put the plate away and then Eyes looks at me and says "You're done" and I say something like yes I am. It was just very weird, to reach for a burger when I wasn't hungry and not knowing why. I guess I haven't been bombarded with that much food in a while. But now I know I can always just walk away from it, if nothing else works.
And I think that's it for this week!! Good thing, as we're already on Thursday of next week!! Debbie out.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Monday, May 3rd, 2010, through Sunday, May 9th, 2010
No idea when I wrote the following, sometime before Thursday evening.
Had my monthly boot camp measurements:
First set on first day of boot camp, second set after Month 1, third set after month 2. With a little biking/running/swimming/Zu
Weight: 148.4 lbs -> 145.6 lbs -> 145.6 lbs (clothed)
Body fat: 31.7% -> 29.4% (Passed high to normal cutoff) -> 25%
lbs of fat: 47.04 -> 42.81 -> 36.4
Lean mass (lbs of muscle): 101.36 -> 102.79 -> 109.2
Arm: 11 in -> 12 in -> 12 in
Chest: 40 in -> 39.5 in -> 38.5 in
Hips: 40.5 in -> 40 in -> 39
Legs: 20 in -> 21 in -> 20.5 in
Neck: 12 3/4 in -> 12 1/2 in -> 13 (apparently there's such a thing as neck muscles)
Waist: 35 3/4 in -> 34 1/2 in -> 35 (35 is healthy cutoff for adult women)
Mile run: Mile.... "run" ? -> 8:45 -> 8:01
At home, the scale says I gained nine pounds, 140.5 - 149.5 lbs. Crazy. Still fit in all my clothes. I want to get a size 8 (two sizes lower than what I wear) to use that as a yardstick. Decided to REALLY go all crazy and not measure even in my head this month and just eat when I'm hungry and stop eating when I'm not. We'll see how it goes. Three days of that so far. It FEELS like I'm not keeping up with the eating and I'm eating more than I'm exercising, we'll see.
Had my monthly boot camp measurements:
First set on first day of boot camp, second set after Month 1, third set after month 2. With a little biking/running/swimming/Zu
Weight: 148.4 lbs -> 145.6 lbs -> 145.6 lbs (clothed)
Body fat: 31.7% -> 29.4% (Passed high to normal cutoff) -> 25%
lbs of fat: 47.04 -> 42.81 -> 36.4
Lean mass (lbs of muscle): 101.36 -> 102.79 -> 109.2
Arm: 11 in -> 12 in -> 12 in
Chest: 40 in -> 39.5 in -> 38.5 in
Hips: 40.5 in -> 40 in -> 39
Legs: 20 in -> 21 in -> 20.5 in
Neck: 12 3/4 in -> 12 1/2 in -> 13 (apparently there's such a thing as neck muscles)
Waist: 35 3/4 in -> 34 1/2 in -> 35 (35 is healthy cutoff for adult women)
Mile run: Mile.... "run" ? -> 8:45 -> 8:01
At home, the scale says I gained nine pounds, 140.5 - 149.5 lbs. Crazy. Still fit in all my clothes. I want to get a size 8 (two sizes lower than what I wear) to use that as a yardstick. Decided to REALLY go all crazy and not measure even in my head this month and just eat when I'm hungry and stop eating when I'm not. We'll see how it goes. Three days of that so far. It FEELS like I'm not keeping up with the eating and I'm eating more than I'm exercising, we'll see.
Have been feeling fat this week (and the scale saying I gained 9 lbs is not helping matters any). I hate how useless my body is. It kind of gave out yesterday, had a meh day, but today getting better and I'm sure tomorrow after a full night's sleep it'll be back to normal. Tonight going to Pam's Zumba and then doing this thing called Roller Derby where you skate really fast around a track trying to knock other women out. Sounds like my kind of fun. Don't know if I have time to add anything else but definitely going for the experience, I love trying out new things.
Been depressed for a few days, the whole go away thing not working this week. This week I had to work myself up just to say it, and then it didn't even work. Meh.
Had a couple of days with barely any sleep, plan to rejuvenate tonight and be back full force tomorrow. Thinking of making it boot camp, then biking to the gym and swimming and racquetball, then back home, couple of Zumbas, hearing someone sing (Michelle Rohl, never heard her before, she was part of the group singing at Bill's show, though).
It's been a meh week. But I've decided to have the most awesomest of days tomorrow. Today it was an hour of boot camp and an hour of Zumba and the Roller Derby and I feel like I haven't exercised today because I didn't hit that fourth hour. Anything less than four hours doesn't do it for me anymore.
We did the wall today and I totally quit and felt like a loser. Nevermind I couldn't last a minute two months ago and now I quit at 16. I quit, I gave up. And I had asked Eyes for this (to see who was standing last) and she gives it to me and I fail. I failed to perform, and I hate it. I felt I should have lasted the 20 minutes. When I got up from the wall I had to go lay on the grass because my legs were collapsing.
See, if I can do it, anyone can do it. I view 4 hours of exercising as no big deal because I can do it, so it must be no biggie. I don't know when I'll ever feel like I've really accomplished something physically, but now I need to find an ever bigger and better adventure. I get bored with what I've already done (but Deb's Triathlon is so much fun I don't mind redoing it). But I don't feel I'm in any better shape physically and all I can see is gaining nine pounds, not having control over what I eat (because I'm not measuring) and still failing at everything at boot camp.
I REALLY need a good boot camp day where I feel good about myself right about now. Sigh.
THURSDAY NIGHT: So THIS is what being depressed with an exercise high feels like. How can I feel sooooo crappy and soooooo good right at the same time. It sucks big time.
FRIDAY NIGHT: Been depressed the whole week, and I'm going to talk a bit about that. I can't shake this wave off, no matter what I do. Six hours of exercise didn't do it, I just felt great and crappy all at the same time.
I haven't been able to shake it off. And I had a few more happy days with the whole go away self-talk but this time it hit me like a ton of bricks and it hasn't been this bad in a while, even before the exercising (like years since it has been this bad). And I don't want to feel this way and there's nothing I can do about it. And it's worse because my highs are so high now that my lows are lower by comparison. I have truly experienced life and how good I can feel. So it's like the depression before was falling off a 50-foot cliff and now it's like falling off a 500-foot cliff. The crash is so much more painful.
I'm ready to give drugs a try. Prozac, Paxil, Celexa, I don't care. I've had them before but I never believe they'd work so I'd take 3 in a month and then go back and say SEE??!! they don't work!! But I hate feeling like this and want to go back to how I've normally been feeling these past few months, I don't want to have to put up with this anymore. See my therapist on Sunday and will ask for a referral to get doped up. I'm hugely antri-drug. I'll take them for bacteria and stuff where it actually kills something, but if I can put up with symptoms, I rarely take them for symptom relief. Most aches and pains I'll put up with. And I do take aspirin, we're only talking prescription. But if I can have better living through chemistry, I'm all for it.
I'm happy that it hasn't stopped me from exercising. But the joy has left a little bit. I don't know, it's been like show up, do, leave. Like at towers today, I went up and down both hills doing the Boot Camp Shuffle without walking three times after a warm-up hike, and it's like meh, big deal. There's NO sense of accomplishment in that whatsoever. The Triathlon? Six hours of exercise in a day? There's no sense of I did something, it's just show up, do, leave. That's what the depression in. But more than no sense of accomplishment, there's no sense of joy. I'm not an accomplishment person. 5K in less than 30 minutes? Ok, now it's 24. There's just hit goal, new goal, hit goal, new goal. But I enjoy the training, the straining, the doing, the experience. Now I don't even enjoy that. If a little pill can fix that, then so be it. I can't talk myself out of it and it sucks.
Yesterday was a good boot camp day, I can do assisted pull-ups now with just one person instead of two. Run days are always good because even though I'm not the fastest, I have the endurance and I always have a great time on run day. Today we had a special boot camp session inside Lucy, a clothing store at Town Square mall in the strip. My first time there. It's also where Blue Martini, a very popular lounge with a dance area, is. There was a pretty good turnout with about 15 people, and there were two stations, Becca inside and Debbie outside. It was a tough workout!! It was great running through Town Square. We did work with weights, shoulder presses with tires (I SO wish I had my gloves but they're packed for tomorrow's event), lots of stuff in the curb and with BOSU balls (those half-ball thingies that rest on the floor), medicine ball stuff. It's funny because I was TRYING to KEEP UP (not CATCH UP) with Becca and I'm running next to an outside restaurant sitting area and I'm thinking MAN I wish I wasn't this winded so that I could enjoy the experience.
Debbie out.
SATURDAY MORNING: Still depressed. Trying out multi-step for the first time today and then a canoe race for Corporate Challenge. Really looking forward to that, haven't been in a Kayak since 2000 or so. Two-person team, out on a lake in the middle of a city park, how awesome is that? I'm having so many wonderful experiences lately, one of the best being bicycling in the middle of the raceway.
People tell me that I should be proud of what I've accomplished, but I really don't feel that I've accomplished anything. I had done the towers three times running after class one day so I knew I could handle it. I would have gone faster if it hadn't been for that hiking run beforehand. But it's like whenever I set a goal and hit it, I just go right on ahead and set another goal, and another, and another. For gym classes first I added weighted gloves now weighted ankle wraps and soon a weighted vest. Keep making them harder and harder, strengthen the legs. 3 lbs on hands (want to go to 5 whenever I find some), 5 on legs (want more but too bulky and 5 was good to start). But like Thursday I did six hours of exercise and up to the last hour it was like meh, no big deal. Got a little tired while swimming, the sixth hour I did that day.
SUNDAY NIGHT: Still depressed, today was a bit worse. Does it have anything to do with the fact that I'm closing in on the 1-year anniversary of my dad dying? Is this grieving? I think I haven't really gotten over the denial and still have all the grieving to do. But I'm also of the belief you can't push it and it comes when it comes and all you can do is hang on for the ride. The one-year mark is significant, because one year ago my dad was alive, and that just makes the pain and sense of loss worse than if last year he wasn't alive. So is this the beginning of a suck-tastic month-long depression? Oh well, one week down, three to go. Started on 5/3, and he died on 6/3.
Went canoeing yesterday and that was great. There's two things I want to describe tomorrow because I have to leave for work soon. The multi-step class I took, and the canoe-ing. Today I just biked 31:XX because of the wind and that's it, so I ate pretty much what I burned (estimating). Tomorrow I have boot camp and Zumba and the third thing I want to cover is my modified work out schedule in preparation for Saturday's Tri. Will cover the first two things in this post tomorrow and then the third in the new week's post.
Ok, so the multi-step. Really loved the instructor and hope she teaches Zumba or TurboKick, which are pretty much the only two classes I take now at the gym. Will definitely swing by if it's after noon (can't do before noon because of boot camp) or on weekends. One step is in front of you and the other perpendicular to the right (and can also be to the left) and you use both and go from one to the other. Fell on my behind once, kind of hurt my right ankle, nothing too serious and I have to really flex it to feel a little bit of pain. Left heel hurts a bit, after the triathlon plan to get a wrap and start really working on my running technique. I'm giving up on step, I don't enjoy it. There's too many things I enjoy to spend an hour on something I don't.
The canoe-ing was great. It was a short trip around a tree in the middle of a lake in the middle of a park. Who knew we had a park with a lake in the middle? It was pretty awesome. We only ran into the wall once, we didn't tip over, we didn't get disqualified, and we can in fourth of four on our list, but we finished. I was in the back and when she started paddling, she swung water right into my face and eyes, I wasn't expecting THAT. She stopped a bit once I went HEY! It was really enjoyable and I really get a kick out of trying out all these new things. How cool is the whole experience? (very cool).
Debbie out.
THURSDAY NIGHT: So THIS is what being depressed with an exercise high feels like. How can I feel sooooo crappy and soooooo good right at the same time. It sucks big time.
FRIDAY NIGHT: Been depressed the whole week, and I'm going to talk a bit about that. I can't shake this wave off, no matter what I do. Six hours of exercise didn't do it, I just felt great and crappy all at the same time.
I haven't been able to shake it off. And I had a few more happy days with the whole go away self-talk but this time it hit me like a ton of bricks and it hasn't been this bad in a while, even before the exercising (like years since it has been this bad). And I don't want to feel this way and there's nothing I can do about it. And it's worse because my highs are so high now that my lows are lower by comparison. I have truly experienced life and how good I can feel. So it's like the depression before was falling off a 50-foot cliff and now it's like falling off a 500-foot cliff. The crash is so much more painful.
I'm ready to give drugs a try. Prozac, Paxil, Celexa, I don't care. I've had them before but I never believe they'd work so I'd take 3 in a month and then go back and say SEE??!! they don't work!! But I hate feeling like this and want to go back to how I've normally been feeling these past few months, I don't want to have to put up with this anymore. See my therapist on Sunday and will ask for a referral to get doped up. I'm hugely antri-drug. I'll take them for bacteria and stuff where it actually kills something, but if I can put up with symptoms, I rarely take them for symptom relief. Most aches and pains I'll put up with. And I do take aspirin, we're only talking prescription. But if I can have better living through chemistry, I'm all for it.
I'm happy that it hasn't stopped me from exercising. But the joy has left a little bit. I don't know, it's been like show up, do, leave. Like at towers today, I went up and down both hills doing the Boot Camp Shuffle without walking three times after a warm-up hike, and it's like meh, big deal. There's NO sense of accomplishment in that whatsoever. The Triathlon? Six hours of exercise in a day? There's no sense of I did something, it's just show up, do, leave. That's what the depression in. But more than no sense of accomplishment, there's no sense of joy. I'm not an accomplishment person. 5K in less than 30 minutes? Ok, now it's 24. There's just hit goal, new goal, hit goal, new goal. But I enjoy the training, the straining, the doing, the experience. Now I don't even enjoy that. If a little pill can fix that, then so be it. I can't talk myself out of it and it sucks.
Yesterday was a good boot camp day, I can do assisted pull-ups now with just one person instead of two. Run days are always good because even though I'm not the fastest, I have the endurance and I always have a great time on run day. Today we had a special boot camp session inside Lucy, a clothing store at Town Square mall in the strip. My first time there. It's also where Blue Martini, a very popular lounge with a dance area, is. There was a pretty good turnout with about 15 people, and there were two stations, Becca inside and Debbie outside. It was a tough workout!! It was great running through Town Square. We did work with weights, shoulder presses with tires (I SO wish I had my gloves but they're packed for tomorrow's event), lots of stuff in the curb and with BOSU balls (those half-ball thingies that rest on the floor), medicine ball stuff. It's funny because I was TRYING to KEEP UP (not CATCH UP) with Becca and I'm running next to an outside restaurant sitting area and I'm thinking MAN I wish I wasn't this winded so that I could enjoy the experience.
Debbie out.
SATURDAY MORNING: Still depressed. Trying out multi-step for the first time today and then a canoe race for Corporate Challenge. Really looking forward to that, haven't been in a Kayak since 2000 or so. Two-person team, out on a lake in the middle of a city park, how awesome is that? I'm having so many wonderful experiences lately, one of the best being bicycling in the middle of the raceway.
People tell me that I should be proud of what I've accomplished, but I really don't feel that I've accomplished anything. I had done the towers three times running after class one day so I knew I could handle it. I would have gone faster if it hadn't been for that hiking run beforehand. But it's like whenever I set a goal and hit it, I just go right on ahead and set another goal, and another, and another. For gym classes first I added weighted gloves now weighted ankle wraps and soon a weighted vest. Keep making them harder and harder, strengthen the legs. 3 lbs on hands (want to go to 5 whenever I find some), 5 on legs (want more but too bulky and 5 was good to start). But like Thursday I did six hours of exercise and up to the last hour it was like meh, no big deal. Got a little tired while swimming, the sixth hour I did that day.
SUNDAY NIGHT: Still depressed, today was a bit worse. Does it have anything to do with the fact that I'm closing in on the 1-year anniversary of my dad dying? Is this grieving? I think I haven't really gotten over the denial and still have all the grieving to do. But I'm also of the belief you can't push it and it comes when it comes and all you can do is hang on for the ride. The one-year mark is significant, because one year ago my dad was alive, and that just makes the pain and sense of loss worse than if last year he wasn't alive. So is this the beginning of a suck-tastic month-long depression? Oh well, one week down, three to go. Started on 5/3, and he died on 6/3.
Went canoeing yesterday and that was great. There's two things I want to describe tomorrow because I have to leave for work soon. The multi-step class I took, and the canoe-ing. Today I just biked 31:XX because of the wind and that's it, so I ate pretty much what I burned (estimating). Tomorrow I have boot camp and Zumba and the third thing I want to cover is my modified work out schedule in preparation for Saturday's Tri. Will cover the first two things in this post tomorrow and then the third in the new week's post.
Ok, so the multi-step. Really loved the instructor and hope she teaches Zumba or TurboKick, which are pretty much the only two classes I take now at the gym. Will definitely swing by if it's after noon (can't do before noon because of boot camp) or on weekends. One step is in front of you and the other perpendicular to the right (and can also be to the left) and you use both and go from one to the other. Fell on my behind once, kind of hurt my right ankle, nothing too serious and I have to really flex it to feel a little bit of pain. Left heel hurts a bit, after the triathlon plan to get a wrap and start really working on my running technique. I'm giving up on step, I don't enjoy it. There's too many things I enjoy to spend an hour on something I don't.
The canoe-ing was great. It was a short trip around a tree in the middle of a lake in the middle of a park. Who knew we had a park with a lake in the middle? It was pretty awesome. We only ran into the wall once, we didn't tip over, we didn't get disqualified, and we can in fourth of four on our list, but we finished. I was in the back and when she started paddling, she swung water right into my face and eyes, I wasn't expecting THAT. She stopped a bit once I went HEY! It was really enjoyable and I really get a kick out of trying out all these new things. How cool is the whole experience? (very cool).
Debbie out.
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