I've been trying to sit down and write it all and that hasn't worked so maybe I just need to write some, and then tomorrow some more, and just little entries instead of one big one.
On August of 2010 I started suffering from dizziness. The room doesn't spin, I don't spin, it's more of a feeling that I'm vibrating. At the beginning it came and went, came and went, and progressively got worse and worse. Went to two general doctors, a neuro-ophthalmologist, a balance center, and an ENT. Had an MRI, sinus CAT scan, bloodwork. Conclusion: They don't know what's wrong, or how to fix it, and I just have to wait it out. Today it is February 24th, 2011. Almost seven months. In the last few days of July I got really sick at Camp Turbo (last year), so maybe that's it. So I just have to wait it out. The ENT said worst case scenario a nerve got destroyed and it takes 18-24 months to regenerate. So that's hope, it's not forever, it's just right now (where have I heard that before?).
I gave up exercising (TurboKick, Zumba, Spin) for various reasons. I feel like I'm going to faint and I get nauseous. Right now I equate exercise with fun, and I don't want to start equating exercise with something negative, so that when the dizziness goes away I can step right back into it. And I've tried not to develop a victim mentality and I think I hung on as long as I could, but I really think I'm not in physical conditions to exercise aerobically right now.
So I'm stepping it up with my food. 139 lbs right now, 90 days left until my birthday. Going to see if I can monitor food and go to the goal of 115 lbs by then. 24 lbs in 3 months, doable.
BodyPump, a weight class, is even hard on me. I had to give up martial arts too. Pretty much anything, I can't seem to do cardio on my feet. Maybe do the recumbent bike for my cardio.
There's a class at the gym called SilverSneakers. It's a mix of balance drills, weight training, and some other stuff involving a chair. It would get out of the house and into a group environment. And it's something I can manage. But it's mostly for older adults and I feel conscientious going to my first class. It's funny because when I was 76 lbs heavier I never cared if I was the fattest in the class, but I'm very conscientious about going to a class that may have mostly older people there. But I'll try it once. I can take two on Tuesday and two on Thursday.
I walked out of three of the last six classes I took at the gym. The last one was a TurboKick class. I walked out after five minutes, the warm-up. And as I walked to my car I just started crying, like I did when I could barely go downhill that day at boot camp. Losing physicality has a great mental effect on me. That's what I want to be careful. I love group classes still, and I want to keep it that way.
And it's funny but it's very easy to get depressed if you spend a lot of time at home. I've been surprised to find depressive thoughts that I used to have before, and depressive feelings. But I've found that for me personally it takes three aspects to be depressed. The feelings, thoughts, but there's a third part... I don't, the actions part? That completes the cycle and allows depression to exist. And THAT part is gone. It's not there anymore. I left it behind that day during the extreme challenge and never picked it back up. So I'm not depressed even though I find myself going, whoa, there's that depressive feeling, I thought I left THAT behind. But it really is like I lost the ability to be depressed.
And there have been benefits to the dizziness. I was afraid that if I was unable to exercise I would regain the weight back, and I didn't. And I even can lose weight without exercise with everything I learned about food. And I found that I'm miserable in bed without being able to move and I miss my aerobics classes. So Fat Debbie really is gone, never to reappear. I mean, I had all the necessary components to be Fat Debbie again. And I didn't. And that's a huge, no pun intended, weight off my shoulders. I can say now with even more certainty that I'll never be fat again.
The dizziness will be gone one day and I'll retake my aerobics classes with even more gusto than before. And I against using smilies in my blog, but ":)"
You know, it seems to be I have to be strong through this, there's not really a choice. But part of me WANTS to be a victim, I want to curl up and feel sorry for myself, but after everything that happened through the working out and all the transformation that happened inside, I can't. It's just not in me anymore. I was always a fighter, but I learned how to put it into action. But I was thinking I don't WANT to go through hardship and I don't WANT to be strong, but I don't really have a choice.
Well, that pretty much sums up what I've learned about the dizziness so far. Maybe now I can go back to regular blogging :)
