Since early August (it is Wednesday 11/10/10 today) I have been suffering from vertigo. First it got me for four days, then went away, then came and went in spurts. When it came I'd stop exercising for a day or two then go back to it hard again. I kept my credo of what you can, when you can. I woke up fine, I worked out. I woke up with vertigo, I stayed home. The times I exercised with vertigo it was very hard on me. Then 8 days ago, last week Tuesday, it came and hasn't let up. I've spent the whole 8 days working or in bed. Even walking has been hard. It's like that feeling when you're about to go down a roller coaster, that queasiness just as you're going to go down, but -all- the time if you're not laying down, and sometimes even if you are, and this feeling of things just vibrating, and feeling your eyes twitterring (back to the glasses which do help but don't take it away, and I tried an Antiver-generic anti-vertigo medicine along with a water pill to get rid of sodium but neither helped), and the nausea. I'd stumble around just walking and this whole roller coaster dizzy as hell feeling I'd get whenever I'd get up. I almost tipped backwards going up the stairs. Dad much? I do wonder if this could be what happened to him. Because something I'll never know is whether he died because he fell down the stairs or whether he fell down the stairs because he died. It's been getting progressively worse. I seriously thought of taking short-term disability time away from work. I'm sure the symptoms were having a mental effect on me. I just want the vertigo to stop. I want my life back.
My previous doctor told me to eat more and exercise less. All of a sudden losing weight is being used against me. If a heavy smoker goes to the doctor with a cough, the doctor's first instinct is probably going to be lung cancer. Well, work out a lot and lose a lot of weight and everything physical that now happens to you is because you work out a lot. So now I have that bias going against me.
Underwent some blood tests and switched doctors and the theory is that it's vestibular. That there's inner ear crystals that have become dislodged and cause the inner ear fluid to go one way while the body goes the other confusing the brain. I have an appointment later today to go to the Werner balance center for assessment and treatment. Get the crystals back in placed through vestibular therapy, solved (you can Google for the details). Hopefully I can get this fixed and back on the road.
Throughout the past year I've had my physicals up and downs and whenever I have a down I know exactly what I'm missing now, and I didn't before. Right before this bout of vertigo I had my taekwondo midterm and I have a picture of me in mid-air kicking, with some respectable air. That's my body, and I am amazed it can do it. I probably haven't lost a lot of that in a week out of commission. I've been eating over what I've burned but I allowed myself that also. Know when to fight, know when to push, know when to back off for now. I don't see the point in exercising with vertigo that may be fixed in 2-3 weeks. Stay in bed, eat reasonably, get this fixed, come back. Gain a few pounds? I'll lose them. Ironically I've lost a few pounds and I'm now at 130-132 lbs, with a lowest-ever at 129.5 lbs when I fasted for Yom Kippur this year (including 24 hours of no water). I was around 135 lbs a week ago so probably the same weight with fluid fluctuations. 200 calories over burn is 1 lbs over two weeks. I can deal.
So I wasn't worried about the not working out. I caught up on my reading. And I wasn't worried about the food. I'd bounce back from anything. Hopefully I can get this fixed and come back hard. And I was trying to find whether I wanted to do triathlons and marathons and ultramarathons and find that drive inside of me and I was having trouble finding that. I went back and forth, I want to, I don't want to, I want to, I don't want to, and I couldn't make up my mind. Then this latest bout of vertigo.
And I was in the bathroom today washing my hands and I looked in the mirror and I knew. I just knew. It wasn't even a particularly long glance, just a quick glance, but I knew. Just in the same way that back in January I would look at myself in the eyes when I ran the LVAC track and would pass by the mirrors and I had this feeling that I was seeing the Debbie I was going to become and she was telling me just wait, you'll see it all in time, this time it wasn't like seeing a future Debbie, this was just like being able to see inside of myself and have a clarity and an understanding. I'm in it for the long haul. I am giving my body fully to it. I am going to push. I am going to become an endurance athlete. I know what my choice is now. The vertigo helped me realize that. I -am- scared that it will be hard to start exercising again after the rest (I have been playing video games also and watching Netflix.... the horror). I've had fears that I'd fall back into old habits and not "come back." But I know I will push and I will start exercising again and my body will slowly and gradually improve. I like that jumping kick body and never realized all this cross-training (gym classes, triathlons, marathons, martial arts) would benefit each other interchangeably. I don't want to give up that body and I want an ever better one. It's not about losing weight at all. I want the best body I can have, I want to do amazing things with it. And as this year dies down with my first triathlon and marathon, I'm thirsty for a challenge. I want the Half Ironman, fully ran marathon, and Full Ironman next year. I want to go back to Running with the Devil in June and beat it. Run it all the way. Then in 2012 do a 50 mile, then a 100 mile, keep doing Ironmans, etc. I want, and I saw it in my eyes in that mirror. I honestly didn't know whether I wanted it or not a week ago, but I found out through this experience that I do, after all.
And it keeps happening. The times when I learn the most keep being the times when things don't go my way. I know exactly what I've gained, and I like it.
