Monday, April 26th, 2010, through Sunday, May 2nd, 2010

FRIDAY AFTERNOON:  I'll do a kind of catch-all recap of the highlights of this week.  On Wednesday I decided to take advantage of the wind and go bike riding around the house, just down the street for half an hour and back.  That was before I knew the Speed Triathlon was cancelled (found out Tuesday night) and when I had gone half an hour that was 8K or so and the Tri was 23K so I decided to go 12K.  It turns out the street dead ends right at the 12K mark, which is perfect, so then I doubled up back.  That was when I realized I had been going downhill-ish with the wind pushing me.  Now I had to go 12K uphill-ish against the wind.  It was pure hell, and I enjoyed every last painful second of it.  It was awesome.  And I wanted soooooooo much to quit and half of me wanted to quit and the other half knew I would finish (not -thought- I would finish, -knew- I would finish).

Linda told me how she was in a Spin class and it got hard and she thought, What would Debbie do?  So there I am on the bike thinking, ok, where's the Debbie that lost 75 lbs?  Because that's the Debbie that's going to ride this bike back.  I have no excuses now, I have seen what I can do and I won't accept anything less.  Whenever something gets tough, I call that Debbie out to bring it home.  There's a part of me that will not let -ANYTHING- get in her way.  I can tap into an endless well of strength when I need it.  And John, who subbed one of Dallas' classes one day, gave me the greatest imagery of all - imagine your legs being pistons.  Metal pistons, up, down, up, down, never get tired.  That's what I did.  So I made it back.  And that night was the first time I physically felt sick after exercising.  I usually feel sore but not sick.  That night I felt sick to my stomach and woozy.  I hadn't drank anything during the ride because I planned a quick ride so I didn't take water with me.  I hadn't planned on going all gung-ho on the ride (which by the way is about 14 miles, 7 to the dead-end and 7 back).

On Thursday I decided to do it again, on a parallel street, which is about the same, 7 miles there to the dead-end, 7 miles back (which is about 160 streets total).  Drank a protein drink and ate a protein bar beforehand and drank 32 oz of water.  Took 16 pz of water with me.  Hydrated and ate afterwards.  And I didn't feel sick I felt MUCH better.  I think the hills were less but steeper, both streets are a challenge.  I'd rather find a level street because I hate going downhill because you're not working it, so maybe next time I will no north-south instead of west-east.  When I got out of the bike my legs felt like putty and I thought about running a mile to prepare for the Tri transition but decided to do that next time.

See, it doesn't matter what you do.  You want to try something out, do it!!  Then you learn what works and what doesn't and you adjust.  Like hiking with just a liter of water and no food, never again.  4 liter and a handful of protein bars next time, cell phone, camera.  But just go for it and see what works and what doesn't and then go from there.

On Wednesday I had boot camp and then the riding then Zumba then swam 64 laps straight, 63 minutes.  Bit winded at the end, first time I did that with no breaks.  That was a great day.  Then Thursday boot camp, then the biking, then two Zumbas.  I'm getting more winded during Zumbas and TKB, I don't know if it's because I'm getting in good enough shape that I can kick it up a notch.  That's what I like to think, anyway.  And the whole boot camp experience has me going harder at any kind of exercise.  Anita came for cardio day on Tuesday which involved a lot of running, some hiking, and sprints.  24HF - 2, boot camp - 0.  I got a yes and a maybe to try out Zumba at the gym.

Today just boot camp and sleeping before going to work early today.  Ran a lot at boot camp.  Have a timed 5K tomorrow and plan to do some swimming, then Sunday my mini-triathlon (500 m, 23K, 5K) to celebrate 10 months of working out.  That will round the week.  Maybe a Zumba tomorrow with Olga.

Here are some postings from Facebook carried over with stuff I've been thinking about:

In response to why I hadn't weighed myself since 4/7 and I didn't intend to until 5/3:

I did it because someone made me lol. But I don't want to be thin, I want to be fit. Within a couple of months or sooner I hope to not even keep running calories tallys in my head and juse eat what I want when I want and exercise the same way. I use food and rest to push my body beyond its limit, so I pretty much eat to exercise. I am neveragain putting on the BodyBugg, it is off for good. Once you're really in sync with your body, it will tell you what it needs and when. And like someone said, I DO enjoy exercise more now that it's not all about numbers. Pretty much just go out there and live and enjoy life. Off to the pool, more later :)


But seriously, isn't calorie-counting just swapping one prison for another? You go from being a prisoner of your fat to being a prisoner of a number on a LED display. What's the point of all this, really? Isn't it to enhance our quality of life? Not to just replace one chain for another. I'm all for gadgets that measure performance (i.e. cadence, time, etc.) as training tools, but I'm beginning to be really anti-calorie counting. The point of all this is to LIVE.


I'm sure I'm a bit OCD (I can see some people rolling their eyes at "bit" lol). Not the hand-washing kind, mostly anything to do with numbers and calculations and grouping items by similarity :) (I once went to a Christmas party and almost rearranged the cupcakes into red and green until I stopped myself with "Debbie, that's too much OCD even foryou"). Another time I set up for an instructor before she came into the room and when she came she asked "Debbie did you do that?" and I said no. She stood there and looked at the perfectly arranged row of weights by size and color and then looked at MY perfectly arranged row of weights by size and color, and said no one else would set them up that carefully lol

But the BodyBugg, calorie-counting, is right my alley and I can spend hours on it. Body fat %, inches, pounds, it's like a kid in a candy store. So it's actually HARD for me to walk away from all of it, but it must be done and it's probably good for me in the long run :)

Speaking of OCD I was a big-time germaphobe and because of boot camp I dropped a piece of chocolate on the ground and used the 3-second rule lol Other than grabbing handles through my shirt (because I don't trust people wash their hands properly), everything else is out the window. My niece calls me Monk =) (or used to) Now I'm lucky if the weights stay in the general vicinity of the bench :)


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So something weird happened about 2-3 days ago. I was driving to boot camp and I was feeling depressed and I said out loud to my depression "Go F yourself, I have no time for you today" and literally, physically, flipped it the bird. And IT WENT AWAY. I was blown away. If I knew it was going to be that easy I would have done that a long time ago!!  And then I tried it a second time the next day and it worked, and a third time today and it worked again!!

When you're depressed for a long period of time you never really think "Oh, the depression is gone."  Because it always comes back, sooner or later, and you don't want to build your hopes up to have them crashing down.  When I went through that period of nine months that ended about two weeks ago with pretty much just two little bouts of a few hours each of depression, I never once thought the depression was gone.  There's just two states - depressed now or not depressed now.  And you take it a day at a time.  So I'm not about to say I beat the depression and I don't know how long that little trick will last or how long it will hold up but I'm just happy it worked today.  I'll take a depression-less today any day of the week.  It worked today, and that's all that matters.  And there I am driving with the biggest smile on my face.

I really feel I was given a second chance at life.  And I wake up every morning grateful that I get to live out this life.  Grateful and in awe, really, like what did I do to deserve this?  This hasn't been an individual effort.  It has been a team effort.  There have been so many people that have been a part of this, and I literally owe my life to them.  I just hope I can do the same for others.  And I'm a long way from done, but I'm on my way.  

Here's something I wrote about the whole working out mentality and put on Facebook:

Well, I gave in. The weight loss thing is out of the window. Started thinking like an athlete today. Have my first triathlon on Saturday (less than 10 months after being obese and when exercise consisted of lifting the remote and the three food groups were Bagel Bites, Pizza Rolls, and Hot Pockets).

Still freaking out a bit over the no measuring/weighing. I get my weight, body fat %, and measurements on Monday, right after the triathlon. If the numbers are better than 4/1 (and the weight anything less than 140.5 lbs), I plan to completely forget about calories for the month of May and just eat what I normally eat and just exercise for fun. Then I will compare 4/1 and 5/1. I don't think I can ever go back to the BodyBugg, I think I will just keep adjusting until I don't have to think about anything and still lose weight and gain muscle.

I got the VitaMix to start drinking my vegetables, both in soup and smoothie form. But I'm not doing that for the next two weeks, because you shouldn't experiment with new nutrition right before a triathlon. Once I get these two out of the way I will have 2-4 weeks before the 20K run (sometime in June) and that will give me a bit of breathing room to start doing the vegetable thing.

So this week I'm tapering off the exercise. Two weeks ago I had the 5K, last week I had a six hour hike (only one rated strenous, the hardest one), then swimming the next day, then cycling the day after, and three days ago I had a 10K followed by a TurboKick, Lift, and Zumba, all one after the other. No boot camp Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Boot camp yesterday and today, swam yesterday, running 5K, boot camp, and biking today, will probably swim an hour and bike an hour Wednesday. One cardio class at the gym Wednesday and Thursday, two Zumbas. No exercise of any kind Friday. Next week back on regular schedule, boot camp M-F, one cardio at the gym or two daily, bike X 2, swim X 2, run X 2. Then the week after, the week of the other triathlon, back on tapering week. Then back on to full week until the week of the 20K.

There's three mindsets: weight loss, fitness, and athlete. I've kind of shifted a bit from weight loss to fitness lately but now I'm forced to give that up for athlete, and it's being hard, because I want to do more more more but I do want my body to be well to enjoy the experience.

So that's where I am right now. Depending on 5/3 results, throwing everything out the window and just living it up for a month (veggie smoothies and all). I'm really interested in seeing the results. I'm willing to try new things and adjust. But for me right now athleticism is the #1 goal and I'm having to fight the urge to exercise in order to put my body in the best shape ever. Goes against everything I've done the past almost-10 months.

Trying on a wetsuit for the first time tomorrow, and getting in the lake for the first time just to see how it is, and going to check out and bike on the course. Depending on time may think of doing the complete 23K (I do a bout 17K an hour so it shouldn't take too long).

I signed up for the 500m/23K/5K to prepare me for the 800m/30K/5K. The first time you do something, chances are you will screw it up. So this is my screw-up triathlon where everything will go wrong and I'll gain a wealth of experience that will make the next one the best triathlon experience ever. I will experience transition points for the first time.

Saving up for a "real" bike ($1200 or so) by 1/1/11 (ha). The wetsuit is borrowed. I am wearing just a Wal-mart t-shirt and shorts underneath. Not going expensive right off the bat. I'll have years to throw my money down the triathlon drain. The one thing I will buy is a cheap pair of sunglasses. Borrowing a number belt.

Getting really excited !! I'm willing to try anything. And I like challenges. I got on the scale twice just to hear the beep beep but I closed my eyes so I still don't know how much I weight, but now I refuse to even get on the scale, even with eyes closed.

My goals for 2010 other than the two triathlons and the 20K is a half marathon in August and the Rock n Roll Full Marathon in December.

Did I mention I couldn't run a minute in late January? So this is not me going back to my roots, this is me exploring unknown territory.

And I'm still keeping calorie tallies in my mind, burned and eaten, and 500 calorie deficit a day.  A lot depends on Monday, because if my weight is anything less than 140.5 lbs, I will definitely throw caution out the window and eat when I'm hungry or before exercise and not keep calorie tallies in my head, and I will do that for two weeks this time and reassess based on weight/fat %/inches.  Then if that works, keep doing that, and tweaking so that I get to a point that I can eat what I want when I want and reach the level of fitness I want and not be a prisoner to food and exercise, which in a way I still kind of am.  Calorie-counting is living life in a prison.  It was a friend's birthday today and I ate cake and somebody didn't.  I don't want to do that, I want to have my cake and eat it too, and be really active and fit, and I really think it's doable to create that balance where you are so in tune with your body that it asks you exactly for what it needs.  So that's what I'm shooting for.

That kind of catches up a bit until today.  Off to bed before work.  Ran a 5K informally around boot camp at 33:34, so 18 seconds faster.  I want to beat that time tomorrow.  I really want to be an athlete and just use my body to the max and use food and rest to manipulate what it can do.  I want to be a Triathlete.  When I'm running I love the feeling, and when I'm riding, and when I'm swimming, or biking.  Someone said I looked happy in a picture of me on a bike.  And I replied that if I'm moving, I'm happy.  And it's true.  If someone were to ask me today "Are you happy?" the answer would be an unequivocal Yes.  Life if not perfect, just as it's not perfect for anyone, but it's pretty darn good.  I really do love my life.  And I can't wait for what the future brings.

And I was talking to someone and we talked about how when you go through a life-changing experience, you really DO wake up everyday thankful to be alive.  I go to boot camp and I don't mind the hard work and the pain and the soreness and the toughness because it's a GIFT to be able to go and challenge myself.  Every time I exercise, I feel I was given a gift.  Every single time.  I'm on the bike and it's uphill with wind against me and the only thing I can think of is that I was given this gift of being able to challenge and push myself and there's nothing I'd rather be doing at that point in time, and I enjoy the heck out of it.  The tougher, the better. It never feels like something I "should" be doing or "have" to do, exercising is always something I'm thankful enough to be able to do.  It's going to be a blow if that scale is above 140.5 on Monday.

I now regularly do 2-4.5 hours of exercise a day, and I'm the first one to say that's how I'm satisfying my OCD side nowadays.  I'll tell you it's the same compulsion as an alcoholic or an overeater and that I just swapped food with exercise.  I'll tell you I'm still not over my dad and that I think I haven't even BEGUN the grieving process, much less finish it.  But I'm happy with TODAY being like that.  There'll be time for balance.  This is good for now.  I'm enjoying the ride and having a blast and creating memories for a lifetime and this is what I need right now.  It's not forever, it's not the rest of my life, this is just my today.

Debbie out.

SATURDAY MORNING - I am going to do the 5K in under 30 minutes today.  My fastest time is 33:34 so that's just 1:11 faster per mile, or 10% improvement.  Not a deal-breaker.  No matter what I have to do, I will do it.  I will go all out in the first mile after I catch my breath a bit and then once I hit the 10 minute mark past the first mile, I am just going all out.  I was running behind Eyes yesterday and I saw how she takes very short strides, like her feet are one next to the other, but the turn around is very very quick, one turnaround every second or even both feet ever second, and I made myself match her stride and I physically can do it, so it's just a matter of thinking about it.  I worked on my stroke the day before yesterday by really thinking about it and since my iPod died right before boot camp I was able to really concentrate on matching her stride.  I don't care what I have to do or what I have to pull from within me, I AM doing that 5K in 30:00 or less.  I can, so I will.

SATURDAY AFTERNOON:  This morning I was feeling fat and I was sure that I was going to be over 140 on Monday.  And then the 5K happened.  From Facebook:

I ran a 5K in 28:31 today (I go by my GPS watch because then I can track progress accurately to the second and don't have to worry about properly measured distances). My goal was 30:00 and my fastest time had been 33:34. And Kelly, Rachel (even though you don't have Facebook), Kathy T., Donalin, Michelle, Michele, Pam, Linda, Beth, Dallas, and Eyes (in chronological order), I'm calling you all out. I ran this for you and I ran this for me. Up to July of last year, no one really stood up for me or believed in me, and then you all came along. And along the way I changed. I thought I could go through this whole fitness thing unchanged inside, but I was wrong. My life used to be defined by what I couldn't do, now it's defined by what I CAN do. And I can do ANYthing. I'm right at the point where I can pick up and start believing in myself, but it'd be great if you all stay along for the ride :) It's just getting started and the fun is just beginning. Anything and everything I accomplish in my life from now on, anyone I can help, it will be because you all came into my life. I will tell the whole world until my last dying breath how you all changed my life, and my goal in life is to do for others what you all have done for me. Do you know really what it means that I can decide this morning to run a 5K in less than 30 minutes, and do it? A lot. The word Can't is no longer in my vocabulary and it has been replaced by "Not Yet" or "Not Today, But Tomorrow." I am now someone who can DO things, and it is the most amazing thing in the world. You never know how much you can change someone's life. And helping and showing someone to believe in themselves is really one of the most powerful things you can do in this world. And there I was right at 3.4K, and the leg is sore, and I'm out of breath, and tired, and nothing, NOTHING, was going to stop me. The harder it gets, the harder *I* get. It is a privilege to be able to move and I don't take a second for granted. Nothing was going to stop me from the first step. This 5K was for all of you.

And you know what? I can honestly say that if I were to die right this instant, I can say I lived my life. I have a lot yet to do and many many plans, but I can say I have truly lived. I have done more living in the past 10 months than I did in the previous 31 years. And I have a planner and I write down appointments and I have short, medium, and long-term goals, but mostly I live life for the moment, for what's in front of me, for this second. And I am enjoying the heck out of it.

Thank you all.

It's a good day.  Biked for 66 minutes at 16K an hour.  Now bed, then work, and the 10-month of Debbie working out celebratory 500m/23K/5K Speed Triathlon in Lake Las Vegas tomorrow.  Life is good.  Forgot about technique, tips, tricks, cadence, stride length, and just ran as fast as I could until I crossed the finish line.

Debbie out.

WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON OF NEXT WEEK:  I guess I shouldn't be too hard on myself for not posting every day.  I just run out of time.  Got a good 45 minutes to post right now.  I will finish out the Triathlon info here and then go on to next week.

So I did a Triathlon with a friend, just an informal one.  We started at the Henderson Aquatic Center, and set up our lockers and bikes outside and started the clock.  Did the same distances as the Irongirl one.  32 laps in the pool, then changed and went outside and got on the bike for 30K (19 miles) and then ran 5K (which took me 45 minutes or so because I wasn't fresh).  It was a VERY enjoyable experience and took 4:09.  I'm thinking of doing that every once in a while just for fun.

I was a bit of a bad human.  Someone told me to stop and I told her I couldn't (when I was on the bike) but my friend did and it turns out when I finally started switching gears I dropped my keys and the woman wanted to give them back to me.  I hope she gets Good Karma back X a million and I'm sorry.

That's all I did Sunday.  I really really really enjoyed it.  Although I'd rather it be running then biking then swimming because for me swimming is the easiest thing to do when tired.

Debbie out.  Lots of inside stuff next week (which I guess is half past tense, half present tense, and half future tense now).

Monday, April 19th, 2010, through Sunday, April 25th, 2010.

TUESDAY MORNING:  Did swimming for Corporate Challenge on Sunday, came in dead last in all four events by over double the time as the next closest person.  Did the bike ride yesterday, came in last.  But I went up an uphill road by myself by imagining Eyes yelling at me not to give up and a lot of people walked it, so it was good.  Rode at the Las Vegas Motor Speedway which was an incredibly cool experience.

The hike, swim, and bike finally caught up to me and I ran out of steam today at boot camp.  Doing a couple more errands and then sleeping seven hours.  Drinking lots of chocolate milk to recuperate.  Going back stronger than ever tomorrow.

And in the spirit of openness, I'm not very task-oriented, but I'm about to change that starting today.  Paying two bills, tomorrow doing service on the car, scheduling enough sleep time, starting on the book, and kicking it up a notch in other areas of my life other than exercise.  More on that later, but I wanted to catch up a bit.

THURSDAY NIGHT:  I wrote some but the computer shut off and it didn't get saved, so here it goes again.  Wednesday was a good boot camp day, squats holding weights, crab and bear crawls up a hill and running down, run to the wall and back twice, sitting at the wall, harness pulls against one another.  I can do bear crawls relatively fast for me now, and I can do crab crawls which I had trouble with before, definite progress.  The run to the wall that was so challenging that first day is a piece of cake now (well, not a piece of cake, but doable).  I love running on rocks and navigating rocky terrain and it's so different the way I couldn't run down concrete less than two months ago and now I can run down rocky terrain relatively fast for me.

Much better physically although I felt worse, I think I'm finally coming back.  I have just way too much stuff scheduled, the next three weeks are 10K, triathlon (maybe), triathlon.  In a month maybe I can rest some.

Today, arms day, we boxed against pads.  50 X with right, then left, repeat, then run around the park, then 50 X right uppercut, left uppercut, right uppercut, left uppercut, right/left, left/right, right/left, left/right, then punching while holding on to 5 and 8-lb dumbbells.

So a good couple of boot camp days, body holding up.  Tomorrow just boot camp in the morning, sleeping, show at night (Las Vegas Tenors Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, 10K Saturday).  No other exercise Saturday, still thinking what to do Sunday, probably swimming and biking.

Someone said in a gym class the other day that I looked like I was fit, and I hated that.  I loved that feeling of going to a class I'd never taken before and people looking at the fat person and then doing a great all-out class because I was fitter than I looked.  Now I look fit to some people (not to me, of course........ I still think I look fat).  And I hate that.  Makes me almost (almost) want to eat myself fat again so that I can lose it all over again.  So not happy about looking fit, and not thinking I look fit to begin with.

I couldn't take it any longer and I got on the scale today, but I closed my eyes and didn't look at the weight.  So I got on the scale but didn't weigh myself.  Two weeks since this challenge started, 10 more days to go.  That's over three weeks of no measuring or weighing.  Sigh.  It did take the edge off a little bit but now I want to do it over and over again just to hear the beep of the scale calculating the weight, even if I can't see what it is.

WEDNESDAY OF NEXT WEEK (THE FUTURE!!):  Rest of the week hazy, but I ended up just having tickets to Saturday and Sunday for the Tenors because Friday's show was added later and I didn't notice.  Great shows.  I will go into quite a bit of detail for Saturday:

Saturday was my first 10K.  Ate eggs and protein bars, 16 oz of water before, bathroom.  Then we were off.  As soon as my left foot touched the ground on the first step, it hurt.  And as soon as it did, I got a determination that -nothing- was going to stop me finishing that 10K.  Then my side started to hurt and I noticed that I was off-balance because of my keys so I put them underneath my hat and that worked great.  Lasted the 10K without going to the bathroom but for a 20K I will probably have to do a pit stop.  Towards the end my back hurt a bit.  The whole experience was very enjoyable (and I finished it without stopping).  The view was great and we did a lot of desert running up and down and even terrain on rocks, and it was just like Fun Friday at boot camp, and lasted about the same.  I did it in 1:10:5X.  They say for a 10K take your 5K, double it, and add 10 minutes, and at 33:52 that would have been 1:17:44 after adding the 10 minutes, so I only added about 3 minutes to my double 5K time which I'm very happy with.  Started cramping a bit at the end (stomach) but held up.  It was a very enjoyable experience and I look forward to the 20K in June, another one in August, and a 40K (full marathon, ~24 miles, in December).

When I stopped, this lady was taking the timing tag off my show and I started to feel sick to my stomach and woozy and just bad, and it's true that what you hear over and over again or do over and over again sticks with you, and I kept telling myself in my head that I had to keep moving, keep moving, and she wouldn't let me, and I almost pulled away to start walking but held it together for 30 seconds while the chip came off then walked for 5 minutes and I felt fine.

I have noticed that I get tired fairly fast but I also recover fairly fast.  That's why I think I do better with long distances.  I'm good at pacing and cadence and endurance and worse at speed and agility.  I'm going to be a full marathon kind of person and full triathlons once I build myself up for them.  And it's not really tired, but I run out of "gunshot energy," (just made that term up) or the quick energy needed for a quick sprint, for instance.  I'll find a way to better explain this later.

I'll finish off this week with that.  Debbie out.
I can't remember what I did Sunday at all, other than see The Las Vegas Tenors again.

Monday, April 12th, 2010 through Sunday, April 18th, 2010

THURSDAY AFTERNOON - Yeah, fell through on the blogging again, will keep trying to do daily, work in progress and all that.  Left off last Friday.  It was a great run day and we ran for an hour in the desert, lots of rocks and got to do a bit of hill running, I'm getting better at just going down fast and I can go up almost anything.

Saturday I did the 5K.  Just random thoughts all together to get it all down.  Pre-race nutrition was perfect, two eggs three hours before, two eggs 1.5 hours before or so, 8 oz of water (and bathroom) and carb gel 15 mins before.  Post-race nutrition (eat some carbs) could have been better and I didn't recuperate until Wednesday when I drank six servings of Soy chocolate milk (and 4 more servings today).  Did it in 33:52 which supposedly is good (especially for the first time) but I got 9 our of 10 in my age/gender division (but if you think about it is someone out of shape going to go run a 5K?).  Very enjoyable experience and I ran well, paced myself, slowly faster and faster, people went all out at the beginning and then walked at the end.  I passed a lot of skinny people, though.  What's funny is that we ran halfway then just turned back and as I was running back I kept passing people and pictured them thinking "Not bad for a fatass, huh."  So I don't know if that's progress as I'm finally giving myself props.

Sunday I biked 5 miles or so to the gym then took 25 minutes of a class (car issues, hence the bike) and then swam my 1:05/64 laps then went back home.  49 minutes there, 30 minutes back because of the terrain.

I'm not going to go into detail every day for boot camp because although the exercises change, it's pretty much the same each week area-wise.  Mondays, abs.  Tuesdays, cardio/obstacle course.  Wednesdas, arms, Thursdays, legs, Fridays, Fun Days, which is usually running.  Going to miss tomorrow because I'm going with Rachel to Shade Tree to teach parts of the class to get my feet wet then if everything goes well, going Solo next week and then every other week, so in two weeks will be back to Boot Camp Fridays.  Going to go to Julie tomorrow instead so I still get a Boot Camp, and doing hers when I miss Eyes.  At least it's only twice a month.

So on 4/9/10 Eyes told me that I was too obsessed with the Body Bugg and calorie counting and said I should take it off, so I did.  No more scale, no more Body Bugg, no more writing what I eat or logging it, and only doing inches/body fat/weight once a month, on the 1st of each month.  I gave her three weeks until 5/1 to see how this experiment goes.  I know I burn about 1800 calories a day at rest (and maybe I will wear the BodyBugg once every 10 lbs or so to update that) so for 500 deficit I start at 1300 and add exercise.  400 for Boot Camp and gym classes and running an hour, 300 for swimming and biking an hour, 100 for Lift.

When I first took off the BB, I felt naked, and went, Now What?  It really WAS like a security blanket and I was relying way too much on it.  So now what?  Now I live.  That's it.  Doing what Eyes said and just enjoying the journey.  I was around 140.5 lbs when I weighed myself on 4/7, interesting to see what 5/1 will bring.  I started to get stressed but now I'm good and I'm enjoying this.  I'm getting good at my "caloric bank" with quick deposits and debits.  Use Google once for new activities, i.e. calories burned biking, but mostly it's all in my head.  I wore the BB for about 3 months and I was planning to discontinue it sooner or later but not this soon and if it wasn't for Eyes it would have been at least months, and all in all it hasn't been THAT bad of an experience.  I do notice I exercise A LOT more now than I did before.  Stress or just really enjoying it now?  Running twice a week, biking twice a week, swimming twice a week, boot camp 5 times a week, 1-2 gym classes a day.

The depression has come back full force.  Quick recap:  Been suffering from depression since I was 10 years old or so, or at least that's my earliest memory of being depressed.  I was always last when running around the field in P.E. because I couldn't run, just walk slowly, because I was fat, and I remember looking up at the sky and thinking something like this:  "G-d, I will endure whatever you want me to endure and go through whatever it is you want me to go through, just somehow let me know that I'll be happy one day."  I was 10 years old, so I guess it's safe to say I was already depressed then.

I want to explain a little bit what being depressed means to me.  You find yourself being a child and depressed, and for one reason or another, the adults in your life don't pick up on it, and you're not the kind of person that shares a lot.  And over the years, you go through stages.  Somewhere along the line you ask yourself the inevitable question:  Am I going to kill myself.  Other people do, am I the kind of person that commits suicide or not?  And you ask yourself the question and you answer no, I'm not the kind of person that kills themselves no matter what.  And that's something I have going for me, the harder I'm pushed against, the harder I push back, and I think with Boot Camp I've found something other than the depression to push against and I think that's why I respond so well to it.

So now you've decided you're not going to kill yourself.  The next question becomes, now what.  So you go to therapists and that doesn't help, you try Lexapro, Prozac, Paxil, etc., and none of those work, the whole emotional vs. chemical imbalance question.  And you're still depressed.  It comes and goes.  And you have no control over it.  You lay in bed and you hurt inside.  And you do this for, oh, 21 years.  Then your dad dies and your life starts.  But back to the depression a little bit more.  So you go to 30 or so therapists, group therapy, support groups, Google, etc., and nothing takes the depression away.  What do you do?  What I did is I decided I wasn't going to put my life on hold anymore and I was just going to be depressed and I incorporated depression into my life.  It comes and goes in waves, sometimes hours, sometimes days, sometimes a couple of months without being depressed.  Can't snap my fingers and make it stop.  So when the depression hits, I hurt inside until it goes away, and I just put up with it.  That's it, pretty much.  You know you're going to hurt, you don't know how long it will last, and you just put up with it until it's gone and you lay in bed and you do nothing and you let it wash over you and when it's over you get up and go on with your life.

When I started exercising on 7/3/09 it pretty much went away and I can remember two times when I was certain I was depressed again and not just grieving and those were just overnight.  So it pretty much went away.  And it came back about two weeks ago, after nine months of being gone.  The cycles are back, sometimes depressed, sometimes not, the pain inside very much back in a body that is now used to life and adrenaline pulsing through it.  So now I'm going through the same depression cycles again.

But, here's the interesting part.  I'm different.  My insides are different.  Before I was the person that went to a mirror and called herself a loser out loud.  Now I did something for myself and I have to live with the knowledge that sometimes, for the briefest of moments, I am a strong, energetic individual.  And I have to have two different sides of me living in the same body.  The anything-goes and the life-beats-me-down sides.  I can't stop the depression.  And during those nine months I didn't really think "Oh the depression is gone forever" because after over two decades of living with depression you don't allow yourself to have those kinds of thoughts because if it ever comes back it's just a crushing blow.  When it first came back I skipped the gym once and I stayed in bed and I think I did that twice before deciding I hated myself too much if I allowed the depression to take over my life.  So the depression can have my insides, but not my outside.  It can crush me, but it can't destroy me.  It can have my thoughts and feelings, but not my actions.  I'm done laying in bed, I have a life to live, depressed or not.

And the REALLY interesting part is that I have to reintegrate depression into my life once again but this time as an adult instead of a child and this time very much aware of what I'm doing and with 13 graduate mental health courses and a lifetime of researching under my belt.  It's a developing story and one I'll write more about.  I have writings I've done while depressed in the broken down car (more on that tomorrow and also my little night adventure) and I'll be posting some.  I think writings are snapshots of the soul, and it'd be interesting to see if my "voice" is different then and now (or even between the beginning of the blog and now).

I aways viewed life as starting with two closets, bodies (including minds/thoughts/feelings/actions/souls, etc.) and pre-determined lives to live, and each life had to be lived by A body, and I think I was given my life so that another person didn't have to go through it, so I have to be strong because this life has to be lived and I'm the one to do it.  And I believe that life works by both pre-determination and free will at the same time.  Haven't worked out the specifics, but that's what I believe, even though it seems contradictory.  More on that later.  Running out of time so off for now.

Debbie out.

FRIDAY MORNING - Two hours away from my first TKB class.  Rachel's going let me teach some this week and then we'll see if I go solo next week.  Getting nervous now.  I have to pull through and just have fun with it and grab this opportunity and run with it.  Afterwards getting the car towed home while I figure out what to do with it (more on that later) and then running 5K at the gym and tonight boot camp with Julie.  That's it for today, sleeping the rest of the time.

SATURDAY NIGHT - Taught a segment yesterday morning during TKB and spent the whole time in front of the class following Rachel along.  It occurred to me how I couldn't have picked a better person to share my first forages into teaching with.  Did Debbie's BC class at night.  Other than that no more exercise.  I think I had a surplus of 300 calories or so for the day.

Went to Turtlehead Peak today as part of Boot Camp's Extreme Challenge.  Two hours and 44 minutes to get there, three hours to get back.  Just missed getting there in time to get my time recorded.  Eyes was the timekeeper and she came down with Julie and Jill just as I was getting to the top.  Made it to the top.  Then back down.  Came back down with the husband of a bootcamper and their two small boys (the wife sped ahead and was out of sight almost as soon as we started).  We went slow and there was a lot of actual rock climbing.  I think my upper body strength is improving because I was able to hang onto rocks and lower my body down.  Towards the middle he got dehydrated and started retching.  Then a woman named Marian was coming up and gave us water.  We drank her gallon in-between all four of us (him, the two boys, and me).  I had a liter that I drank on the way up and she gave me two liters on the way down.  Recommends 4 litters for that hike minimum.  So we made it down in one piece, she came down with us.  On the way down met up with Lori and friends from boot camp and chatted for a few minutes until they sped off ahead since Marian was taking care of us.  Walked us all the way to our car.  We ruined her hike, but very thankful for her.

I'm kind of disappointed at the whole experience because I didn't make it up there in time to be timed and that makes me label the whole thing a failure (in my part).  But the whole experience was positive.  I keep telling myself that A.  I WENT there, and showing up is half the battle (yeah, I believe that .....) and B.  I DID go up and down.  But I didn't get there in time, and I wanted to.  Soured the whole experience a bit.  I was told "We don't wait for anybody for the extreme challenges" but then how does everyone get their time?  I guess there was a time limit.

Feeling fat.  Two weeks and two days until measurements, no BodyBugg, no weighing, no measuring, and I think I'm expanding.  Watch me have gained 20 pounds in those three weeks.  Stressed out of my mind.

Went to Michele's Zumba on Thursday and I can do the tuck jumps pretty much through a whole song, and I couldn't before.  And what did she say after the class?  Nice tan.  I freaking can get through the whole song doing tuck jumps and all I get is nice tan?!  Gotta love Michele.

Whatever shape I get in, I up what I'm doing, so that it always feels like I'm dead last.  So I try to take it easier on myself (without any luck).  It never seems to be enough.  And the thing is that change is so gradual sometimes you can't tell if you're getting in better shape.  I THINK my upper body is getting stronger because I WAS able to hang on to rocks and lower my body, and I know my legs are getting stronger and I was able to test them in the mountain.  Never once did I slip because of being unable to hold my body on the rocks.  And not having taken Michele's class in a month (she teaches every other week and I missed a week because I went to see Anita's play), in that month I went from not lasting the whole song doing tuck jumps to lasting the whole song.  Definite progress.  Progress I can easily see.  So there's progress.  And I went from around 100 lbs in the assisted pullup machine to 50 in 3 months.  I'm going to start weighlifting next week and I'm going to do that unassisted pullup by 7/3, my one-year anniversary of working out.

So I try to make a conscious effort to pay attention to the little victories but I tend to get more focused on all the I-can'ts.  Because if I can do something, then it becomes boring, and I need a new challenge.  After doing Turtlehead Peak how can I go back to anything easier?  I want something harder now.  And if I could do Turtlehead Peak it's a kind of Meh feeling because if I'm able to do it it's not challenging enough.

Monday, April 5th, 2010, through Sunday, April 11th, 2010

FRIDAY MORNING, before boot camp:  Monday was a good boot camp day, we did different sets of abs exercises with laps in-between.  I'm down to 8:25 for a mile as my best time (8:27 another time).  Crunches, sit-ups, leg lifts, etc., 50 of each, 4 exercises at a time, repeat, run, 50 of each, 4 exercises at a time, repeat.  On Tuesday we went to Eyes Paradise and we did an obstacle course.  I was last the first 2-3 times.  The last time I got sick of that and decided not to be last and shaved off my time from 4:10 to 3:20 (and wasn't last).  On Wednesday Linda came and we had arms day and one of the funnest boot camp days ever.  We got into harnesses and tried to pull the other person through a line.  I won 1 out of 3, but I made Karen work hard for it (she doesn't come often, so far just that day).  I had a 30 lbs vest the whole time, only took it off when jumping onto the picnic table benches.  Also did stair work, step-ups in the curb, squats against the wall, some running around the park.  Really good leg workout.  Thursday was arms day and we did move the tire with the hammer, triceps, biceps, medicine ball (one hand on one hand off) pushups, punching with weights, and of course running.  Then at the end we did some shoulder presses, bicep curls, and weight down to opposite leg then back up.  Today is run day, we're running to the bowl and then running IN the bowl.

On Monday I swam my routine, then Tuesday I had to merge two storages into one so I didn't do anything other than boot camp, Wednesday I was just too tired and just did boot camp, on Thursday I did two gym classes.  Today I'm going swimming after boot camp. Tomorrow is the 5K for work.

Yesterday we had an exercise in which we put our feet above a rail and then our hands on the floor and we were supposed to walk across the rail.  It's funny because I told Celine that I was going to go to the end of the rail because I hadn't decided yet whether I was going to put both feet up or not, I was still deciding.  I get down and put one foot up and decide it's too hard to put both feet up.  So I stay there thinking about it.  All of a sudden there's a commotion and I look over and Jen put both her feet up.  It was like a realization:  someone else did it, I could too.  So I put both my feet up for the first time.  Twice.  It was like someone broke a mental barrier for me.  At the end of class Jenn decided to do it again but this time walk, so I was game, and did it also.  On 3/1/10 when I started boot camp I could barely put my feet ON the rail and hold myself up, now I can put them ABOVE the rail and walk.  Progress.

But it's funny that I think I've come so far in the mental side of things and something like this shows me that I haven't.  I think my body doesn't know what it's capable of.  My body didn't think it could do that.  What else am I holding off on because I don't think I can?  Am I really giving it my all?  Something like this is actually scary because it shows how much I cripple myself.

Monday I also did my first 5K, 3.63 miles, 43:46, front door to park, three times around, back to front door, almost 6K actually.

Off to run day at boot camp, now that I caught up on what we did this week, I can sit back and relax and post more about other changes later.