THURSDAY AFTERNOON - Yeah, fell through on the blogging again, will keep trying to do daily, work in progress and all that. Left off last Friday. It was a great run day and we ran for an hour in the desert, lots of rocks and got to do a bit of hill running, I'm getting better at just going down fast and I can go up almost anything.
Saturday I did the 5K. Just random thoughts all together to get it all down. Pre-race nutrition was perfect, two eggs three hours before, two eggs 1.5 hours before or so, 8 oz of water (and bathroom) and carb gel 15 mins before. Post-race nutrition (eat some carbs) could have been better and I didn't recuperate until Wednesday when I drank six servings of Soy chocolate milk (and 4 more servings today). Did it in 33:52 which supposedly is good (especially for the first time) but I got 9 our of 10 in my age/gender division (but if you think about it is someone out of shape going to go run a 5K?). Very enjoyable experience and I ran well, paced myself, slowly faster and faster, people went all out at the beginning and then walked at the end. I passed a lot of skinny people, though. What's funny is that we ran halfway then just turned back and as I was running back I kept passing people and pictured them thinking "Not bad for a fatass, huh." So I don't know if that's progress as I'm finally giving myself props.
Sunday I biked 5 miles or so to the gym then took 25 minutes of a class (car issues, hence the bike) and then swam my 1:05/64 laps then went back home. 49 minutes there, 30 minutes back because of the terrain.
I'm not going to go into detail every day for boot camp because although the exercises change, it's pretty much the same each week area-wise. Mondays, abs. Tuesdays, cardio/obstacle course. Wednesdas, arms, Thursdays, legs, Fridays, Fun Days, which is usually running. Going to miss tomorrow because I'm going with Rachel to Shade Tree to teach parts of the class to get my feet wet then if everything goes well, going Solo next week and then every other week, so in two weeks will be back to Boot Camp Fridays. Going to go to Julie tomorrow instead so I still get a Boot Camp, and doing hers when I miss Eyes. At least it's only twice a month.
So on 4/9/10 Eyes told me that I was too obsessed with the Body Bugg and calorie counting and said I should take it off, so I did. No more scale, no more Body Bugg, no more writing what I eat or logging it, and only doing inches/body fat/weight once a month, on the 1st of each month. I gave her three weeks until 5/1 to see how this experiment goes. I know I burn about 1800 calories a day at rest (and maybe I will wear the BodyBugg once every 10 lbs or so to update that) so for 500 deficit I start at 1300 and add exercise. 400 for Boot Camp and gym classes and running an hour, 300 for swimming and biking an hour, 100 for Lift.
When I first took off the BB, I felt naked, and went, Now What? It really WAS like a security blanket and I was relying way too much on it. So now what? Now I live. That's it. Doing what Eyes said and just enjoying the journey. I was around 140.5 lbs when I weighed myself on 4/7, interesting to see what 5/1 will bring. I started to get stressed but now I'm good and I'm enjoying this. I'm getting good at my "caloric bank" with quick deposits and debits. Use Google once for new activities, i.e. calories burned biking, but mostly it's all in my head. I wore the BB for about 3 months and I was planning to discontinue it sooner or later but not this soon and if it wasn't for Eyes it would have been at least months, and all in all it hasn't been THAT bad of an experience. I do notice I exercise A LOT more now than I did before. Stress or just really enjoying it now? Running twice a week, biking twice a week, swimming twice a week, boot camp 5 times a week, 1-2 gym classes a day.
The depression has come back full force. Quick recap: Been suffering from depression since I was 10 years old or so, or at least that's my earliest memory of being depressed. I was always last when running around the field in P.E. because I couldn't run, just walk slowly, because I was fat, and I remember looking up at the sky and thinking something like this: "G-d, I will endure whatever you want me to endure and go through whatever it is you want me to go through, just somehow let me know that I'll be happy one day." I was 10 years old, so I guess it's safe to say I was already depressed then.
I want to explain a little bit what being depressed means to me. You find yourself being a child and depressed, and for one reason or another, the adults in your life don't pick up on it, and you're not the kind of person that shares a lot. And over the years, you go through stages. Somewhere along the line you ask yourself the inevitable question: Am I going to kill myself. Other people do, am I the kind of person that commits suicide or not? And you ask yourself the question and you answer no, I'm not the kind of person that kills themselves no matter what. And that's something I have going for me, the harder I'm pushed against, the harder I push back, and I think with Boot Camp I've found something other than the depression to push against and I think that's why I respond so well to it.
So now you've decided you're not going to kill yourself. The next question becomes, now what. So you go to therapists and that doesn't help, you try Lexapro, Prozac, Paxil, etc., and none of those work, the whole emotional vs. chemical imbalance question. And you're still depressed. It comes and goes. And you have no control over it. You lay in bed and you hurt inside. And you do this for, oh, 21 years. Then your dad dies and your life starts. But back to the depression a little bit more. So you go to 30 or so therapists, group therapy, support groups, Google, etc., and nothing takes the depression away. What do you do? What I did is I decided I wasn't going to put my life on hold anymore and I was just going to be depressed and I incorporated depression into my life. It comes and goes in waves, sometimes hours, sometimes days, sometimes a couple of months without being depressed. Can't snap my fingers and make it stop. So when the depression hits, I hurt inside until it goes away, and I just put up with it. That's it, pretty much. You know you're going to hurt, you don't know how long it will last, and you just put up with it until it's gone and you lay in bed and you do nothing and you let it wash over you and when it's over you get up and go on with your life.
When I started exercising on 7/3/09 it pretty much went away and I can remember two times when I was certain I was depressed again and not just grieving and those were just overnight. So it pretty much went away. And it came back about two weeks ago, after nine months of being gone. The cycles are back, sometimes depressed, sometimes not, the pain inside very much back in a body that is now used to life and adrenaline pulsing through it. So now I'm going through the same depression cycles again.
But, here's the interesting part. I'm different. My insides are different. Before I was the person that went to a mirror and called herself a loser out loud. Now I did something for myself and I have to live with the knowledge that sometimes, for the briefest of moments, I am a strong, energetic individual. And I have to have two different sides of me living in the same body. The anything-goes and the life-beats-me-down sides. I can't stop the depression. And during those nine months I didn't really think "Oh the depression is gone forever" because after over two decades of living with depression you don't allow yourself to have those kinds of thoughts because if it ever comes back it's just a crushing blow. When it first came back I skipped the gym once and I stayed in bed and I think I did that twice before deciding I hated myself too much if I allowed the depression to take over my life. So the depression can have my insides, but not my outside. It can crush me, but it can't destroy me. It can have my thoughts and feelings, but not my actions. I'm done laying in bed, I have a life to live, depressed or not.
And the REALLY interesting part is that I have to reintegrate depression into my life once again but this time as an adult instead of a child and this time very much aware of what I'm doing and with 13 graduate mental health courses and a lifetime of researching under my belt. It's a developing story and one I'll write more about. I have writings I've done while depressed in the broken down car (more on that tomorrow and also my little night adventure) and I'll be posting some. I think writings are snapshots of the soul, and it'd be interesting to see if my "voice" is different then and now (or even between the beginning of the blog and now).
I aways viewed life as starting with two closets, bodies (including minds/thoughts/feelings/actions/souls, etc.) and pre-determined lives to live, and each life had to be lived by A body, and I think I was given my life so that another person didn't have to go through it, so I have to be strong because this life has to be lived and I'm the one to do it. And I believe that life works by both pre-determination and free will at the same time. Haven't worked out the specifics, but that's what I believe, even though it seems contradictory. More on that later. Running out of time so off for now.
Debbie out.
FRIDAY MORNING - Two hours away from my first TKB class. Rachel's going let me teach some this week and then we'll see if I go solo next week. Getting nervous now. I have to pull through and just have fun with it and grab this opportunity and run with it. Afterwards getting the car towed home while I figure out what to do with it (more on that later) and then running 5K at the gym and tonight boot camp with Julie. That's it for today, sleeping the rest of the time.
SATURDAY NIGHT - Taught a segment yesterday morning during TKB and spent the whole time in front of the class following Rachel along. It occurred to me how I couldn't have picked a better person to share my first forages into teaching with. Did Debbie's BC class at night. Other than that no more exercise. I think I had a surplus of 300 calories or so for the day.
Went to Turtlehead Peak today as part of Boot Camp's Extreme Challenge. Two hours and 44 minutes to get there, three hours to get back. Just missed getting there in time to get my time recorded. Eyes was the timekeeper and she came down with Julie and Jill just as I was getting to the top. Made it to the top. Then back down. Came back down with the husband of a bootcamper and their two small boys (the wife sped ahead and was out of sight almost as soon as we started). We went slow and there was a lot of actual rock climbing. I think my upper body strength is improving because I was able to hang onto rocks and lower my body down. Towards the middle he got dehydrated and started retching. Then a woman named Marian was coming up and gave us water. We drank her gallon in-between all four of us (him, the two boys, and me). I had a liter that I drank on the way up and she gave me two liters on the way down. Recommends 4 litters for that hike minimum. So we made it down in one piece, she came down with us. On the way down met up with Lori and friends from boot camp and chatted for a few minutes until they sped off ahead since Marian was taking care of us. Walked us all the way to our car. We ruined her hike, but very thankful for her.
I'm kind of disappointed at the whole experience because I didn't make it up there in time to be timed and that makes me label the whole thing a failure (in my part). But the whole experience was positive. I keep telling myself that A. I WENT there, and showing up is half the battle (yeah, I believe that .....) and B. I DID go up and down. But I didn't get there in time, and I wanted to. Soured the whole experience a bit. I was told "We don't wait for anybody for the extreme challenges" but then how does everyone get their time? I guess there was a time limit.
Feeling fat. Two weeks and two days until measurements, no BodyBugg, no weighing, no measuring, and I think I'm expanding. Watch me have gained 20 pounds in those three weeks. Stressed out of my mind.
Went to Michele's Zumba on Thursday and I can do the tuck jumps pretty much through a whole song, and I couldn't before. And what did she say after the class? Nice tan. I freaking can get through the whole song doing tuck jumps and all I get is nice tan?! Gotta love Michele.
Whatever shape I get in, I up what I'm doing, so that it always feels like I'm dead last. So I try to take it easier on myself (without any luck). It never seems to be enough. And the thing is that change is so gradual sometimes you can't tell if you're getting in better shape. I THINK my upper body is getting stronger because I WAS able to hang on to rocks and lower my body, and I know my legs are getting stronger and I was able to test them in the mountain. Never once did I slip because of being unable to hold my body on the rocks. And not having taken Michele's class in a month (she teaches every other week and I missed a week because I went to see Anita's play), in that month I went from not lasting the whole song doing tuck jumps to lasting the whole song. Definite progress. Progress I can easily see. So there's progress. And I went from around 100 lbs in the assisted pullup machine to 50 in 3 months. I'm going to start weighlifting next week and I'm going to do that unassisted pullup by 7/3, my one-year anniversary of working out.
So I try to make a conscious effort to pay attention to the little victories but I tend to get more focused on all the I-can'ts. Because if I can do something, then it becomes boring, and I need a new challenge. After doing Turtlehead Peak how can I go back to anything easier? I want something harder now. And if I could do Turtlehead Peak it's a kind of Meh feeling because if I'm able to do it it's not challenging enough.
