THURSDAY MORNING - It has been a great week so far, can't complain. There was a Groupon (Group coupon) deal and like over 1500 people signed up for a month of boot camp for $25 (20 sessions). I missed Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday of last week because of the triathlon so that I didn't meet most new people until this Monday. The boot camp experience is now very very different, because instead of 4-10 people per session now we have 15-22. I didn't like it at first because our first instinct is always to recoil at change. And I like people and I think I'm social but the weight and the depression and everything else made it very hard my whole life to ACT social, and the bigger the group the shyer I get and the more I pull back, so it was an adjustment. But I'm getting more comfortable now being part of a huge group (for me 20 is a huge group). Although I did that by just picking out a person or two at a time to talk to. Everyone I've met so far is very nice.
But if you have more people you necessarily are going to get less attention per class. And I've been going to boot camp now for just over two and a half months. You get a bit coddled in the beginning, come on, you can do it, and you break through some mental barriers (or a lot). Could I have done everything I've done in boot camp so far without coddling? Maybe, maybe not. It helps. And sooner or later you switch over and become a Veteran, and start doing stuff on your own, and start breaking your own barriers with just your own internal strength. And I think all these new boot campers and the ensuing higher amount of by-myself time (i.e. without someone right next to me saying good job, way to go, you can do it, faster faster faster, don't you give up on me) kind of push you, if you are ready, from that external to internal drive. It's still nice to get it, but you don't NEED someone else pushing you all the time because you've learned to push yourself. And you develop a certain kind of internal toughness and you can now go at it alone or in a group (and as you develop that whole I can do this by myself now mentality you also have to watch that when it's time to go back in a group you accept help..... it's a balance).
But it's kind of a perfect timing because last week, just randomly with no specific event, I started going harder at it, started with last week Monday's Mission Impossible (for some reason I always get life-changing experiences out of Mission Impossibles, as in my first day of boot camp).
FRIDAY MORNING: I don't know which way I like better, small and intimate or huge group. I could go either way. What would be really nice is to have days of both sprinkled throughout the week. We'll see what happens.
I don't know what happened Tuesday but the boot camp session wore me out, haven't felt that wiped out in weeks, and I stayed in bed all day sleeping and recuperating. Finally getting over Tuesday. The rest of the week has been uneventful, but I want to talk about a few things. Let's start with the mission impossible that happened last week Monday.
I went faster than before, nothing was going to stop me. I needed a fast day. Eyes says to me during the kicking of the bag that faster is not always better, and I'm thinking to myself, trying to have a life-changing moment here. I needed fast that day, and I'm glad I got to have it.
There's three more things I want to talk about. Let's fast-forward a bit to Thursday's boot camp. There's a new person there, and we've talked a little bit on Facebook, and we got partnered up to carry one of the metal logs (filled with sand and rocks and stuff) on one shoulder and then lift it up over our heads and place on the other shoulder (arms day). And she had the upper body strength and I had the don't-stop-for-anything mentality. Add those two together and you can do anything, right? So right away I notice she's having an easier time raising the log that I am and that's where I go crap. On individual events the new people can kick my behind to Friday and back, but on a team event I'm not going to hold a new person back, I have to step up and be ahead of them so that I can pull them forward. So I pulled her mentally and she pulled me physically and we raised that stupid log 50 times (left-right counts as 1, not 2). You do feel proud of someone when they achieve something like that, gives you a warm fuzzy feeling. I could get used to that. And in a class that big, you have more of a chance to just be with your partner and motivate each other. But it's funny that I went to raise the log and it wouldn't budge and I'd look at her and she'd be ready to go and so I had to be ready to go too.
I don't know what it is about me and upper body strength. Is it mental or is it physical? I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that ANYbody will have more upper body strength than I do, just as I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that one day I'll beat anybody at running. Do I really not have the muscles or does my body still think it's fat? (well, yes to that last one, but I've had some kind of luck teaching my legs they're strong but that hasn't worked for my arms.... they're a stubborn little pair). Could I really hang for a minute? Can I physically do it? Is it my mind keeping me back or do I really not have it yet?
Second thing I wanted to talk about is a dress. Went to someone's house for dinner. And I got the idea to dress up. Went to Ross and found this dress that was just made for me. To the side. Someone took it out of the rack and discarded it. I went to the changing room, I put it on, and I almost cried. I was pretty. It was the first time in ages that I looked in the mirror and said to myself, you look so pretty. And I did, too. And I used makeup for the first time since 2004. And I straightened my hair. Took me an hour of shopping and two hours to get ready. And that's significant for two reasons.
First one is that the way the depression manifests itself in me is that I don't do things; inaction. I'm all for baths, brushing your teeth, combing your hair, etc., but that's about it, i.e. I'll keep myself clean and good-smelly, but I don't really work on making myself look NICE. Clean, but not nice. Clean clothes and hair brushed and pulled back in a ponytail. So for someone who has been depressed for over two decades and never really cared how she looked to spend two hours getting ready to go somewhere.... it's huge. And I see seeds of that creeping out into other areas of my life. Not there yet, but it's like I can feel a huge change coming on.
The second significance of that is that I wanted to look nice for someone else. Like you know my crap, I want you to know the good side of me too. I want you to see the pretty. The flowery. I wanted to share the best side of me with somebody. And yes it's the inside that counts but the outside has significance also, like I don't care what the outside looks like but you're getting it as good as it gets. Maybe I'm not explaining it right, maybe I am, maybe it's hard to explain. My Gainesville Karate instructor always said you're a present to the world so wrap yourself up nicely. Something like that. But for someone who hasn't really shared her whole life to want to share the best part of her with someone else, that's huge too. So that dress had a lot of significance for me.
The third thing I wanted to talk about was the day my dad died, but I'm running late on other stuff, so that will have to wait. Depression's been coming and going this week, I have to literally flip it off every morning. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, most times so far it does.
FRIDAY NIGHT - And here we go again with the depression. Laying in bed just hurting, not being able to fall asleep, having to get up to go to work in less than an hour and then the boot camp extreme challenge right after work tomorrow. And it's funny that it's one of those things that people just say to turn off, or get over it. I've spent over two decades trying to do just that, so if you figure out a way, please let me know. The best I've figured out is how to ignore it when I can and put up with it when I can't. But you can't choose when it comes or goes or how long it stays.
Had a good day in boot camp. We had to gather these flags and I got seven and was about to gather the eight and someone comes in from behind me and grabs the last one and ties with me, and one person got eight, so I was thisclose to tying for #1. But maybe it was meant to be and maybe being #1 will mean something to her the way some things have meant something to me in boot camp. And next time I just have to go harder. That's the thing, in boot camp you really have to give it your all all the time because you never know who's coming up from right behind you and every second counts.
Then at the end we ran up towers, and I came in first. But when I reached the bottom, everyone was just starting to run down the last hill. I can run down fast in paved ground, not so much in dirt or rocky roads (well, depends..... I do worse with small slippery rocks.... it's not so much the terrain but how much traction it has). I practice going at it as fast as I can, though, every time I go down a hill, I throw myself at it. When we were going up we're almost to the top and I hear someone breath hard. That was her mistake. I had no idea she was there or that close to me. I was very close to the top and there was no way she was passing me, and she didn't. I got up there first. Less than three months ago I could barely make it up there now I'm being #1 over people who are fitter than me like it's nobody's business.
Being number one. What's the importance behind it? I've never been number one in my life. But there's something more than that. Because you can be number one outside, but then you have to be number one inside. You have to internalize it. Like I'm not a person that is number one. I'm the person left behind. I'm the person that never seemed to catch a break or accomplish anything. Call center job, in debt, no husband or kids or close friends. Nothing. That's the person you tell yourself you are. And that's who you become. And then one day someone comes along and tells you you are someone else. For example, 100 sit-ups. And someone comes along and tells you you can do 100 sit-ups. And you tell them in your head no, they're wrong, they got the wrong person, you are NOT someone who can do 100 sit-ups. And they show you that you are wrong. What now? Well, first you have to change the definition of who you think you are. But that shatters your whole worldview because if you were wrong about this, what else are you wrong about? Next time you think you can't do something, something in the back of your head plants a seed of doubt. And that seed gets stronger and stronger. 50 burpies? Are you freaking kidding me you can't do 50 burpies? Who do you think you are, Loser Debbie? She's banished to the basement until we can figure out a way to get rid of her forever, but she's not allowed out in the meantime. Still escapes sometimes, but we throw her right back in.
I'm at a point in my life where I need to push against something. A place, a better time, a longer distance, something harder. That hill is my depression, and although I can't "beat" the real one, I can beat that hill. It allows me to personify the depression, and fight back. And I haven't really had that my whole life. More than exercise, it's tough exercise. I wish I had found that earlier in life, maybe even in my teens. But I wouldn't give up any experience I've had in my life. I will find a place and a reason for each one of them in time.
So you can be number one outside, but can you be number one inside? And what does someone who has always been last in life do when they find themselves first at "the finish line" ? Something has to give. And your mind doesn't really want to give up the loser mentality, it's all it knows and it's what it wants to keep.
But more than that, I'm just hooked in that pushing. What happens if I "win" something? Then I want to find something else to race, to do, to push. I was standing around down there for a few seconds catching my breath and drinking some water and seeing everyone up at the top of the hill and thought to myself, this sucks, I'm going back up there. I'm not about to stand around doing nothing, I want that pushing. I've both developed a hunger and found something that satisfies it.
I want to build my body into the best body it can be. Lean, strong, fast. I will not stop until it is in as good a shape as it can be. This coming year, the second of my fitness journey, will be about building, just as the first was about taking down. Inside and out. I am not about to work on the outside and leave the inside behind. There's no point in that. It has to come as a complete package. Ran out of time, Debbie Out for now.
SUNDAY AFTERNOON - Yesterday it was the extreme challenge "Rescue on the River." Grab a stretcher filled with 150 lbs and carry it between six people at a time through a muddy river and up and down banks. It was more than I expected and it was totally worth, it was an amazing experience. The worse part was getting stuck in the mud and getting rocks in my shoes. Trying tape around my ankles and over my shoes next time. Still going to do it again next time, but it was so much more than I expected that at least I feel crazy for wanting to do it over again. I realized I complain a lot (but still do whatever, so maybe it's my way to deal, but I don't like it, so I'm not complaining anymore). No more yelling, no more screaming, no more whining, just going to go at it hardcore starting tomorrow.
So we made it the whole way through. I couldn't do the banks. Next year I'll do the banks, up and down. But I carried that stretcher. A lot of time I was catching up to the stretcher, and realized showing up isn't enough, you have to carry your weight, and I did it some. Didn't make it through the current all the way through the last flag, that's another thing for next year.
But something happened on the way back from the challenge, walking in line. I don't know what it was. But I realized I have to be the strong one now. I have to be the one others lean on. I have to get rid of any negativity and weakness (as much as I can for as much as I can). And I can never again be depressed. I told myself I would never get depressed again. No, Debbie, No. No. No. No. And I was in the car either yesterday or today and felt it coming and just said No. I refuse. Just No. That's it. I refuse. I'm not going to ignore it or put up with it anymore, I'm just not going to allow myself to be depressed anymore. It's time to really change my life. That's step numbers one and two. Take care of my personal affairs. It's time to grow up. No more whining, complaining, weakness. No more. I refuse. And it went away within a couple of minutes. We'll see how that goes. I refuse to be a victim of life anymore.
Let's say you have two people on top of a cliff, with rocks and water below, and you have to jump to move forward. What makes one person jump vs. the other not jumping? What is it in people that one day just makes us go? Do we find an inner strength, do we just get fed up enough with our current situation, do we find something that inspires us or does something finally spark "the answer" in us? What is it that makes us jump? What is that click that produces action? If you figure it out, let me know, and I'll make sure to do the same.
Something happened to me during that walk. I don't know what it was. And I don't know what it means or what it will entail or what it will change. But I wasn't the same once I got back to the car area. And nothing spectacular or out of the ordinary has happened so far. But it's like a balloon.... you blow and blow and blow and blow and all of a sudden, pop. Building, building, building, and all of a sudden, action. And I have a feeling it will all come to a head tomorrow at boot camp, that I will see the first results of whatever happened there. But I realized I have to take control and take the reigns of my life and just go. Just go already. It's time to let life stop happening and it's time to MAKE life happen. Make my life happen, more specifically. Time to take charge. I haven't really changed that much. I still let things happen. No more.
Something about the challenge was that just to get to the challenge area we had to go down 2-3 steep hills. And I kept repeating out loud "I don't do hills" as I was climbing down then. Next hill, I'm going down. On my feet or rolling, I don't really care. The next downhill I encounter will be mine.
Someone just commented that a difference in jumping or not (Facebook) is that one person thinks about it too much and the other one just does it. Is that it? Is that really it? Another person commented that I think things too much. Is it just taking action, no matter what that action is, instead of thinking about it so much?
It's a new week, day, month, year, life, Debbie, whatever. Starts now. Debbie out.
