MONDAY MORNING: Another bad day. Sigh. So there I am driving to boot flipping the depression the bird (literally) telling it to F off and just with the biggest smile on my face due to the irony of it all, feeling so great and so crappy all at the same time and not really having any say in the matter. Talked to my therapist and I'm going to try fish oil tablets first instead of psychotropic drugs and going to investigate ways to manage depression through nutrition (I'm huge on the belief that proper nutrition can solve many ailments, which is why I didn't fill up my acid reflux prescription, at least let me try modifying my "diet" first). In two more weeks I will call the couple of Tums I take a day a success if I'm still acid reflux-free.
How do you deal with the fact that your dad dying jump-started the best year of your life? (see there, I switched over to third person to distance myself from the situation).
Soooooo anyway modified schedule this week. Screw the depression, I'm doing my thing depressed or not. It wants to hurt, then let it hurt. Hoo-ah.
Monday (today) one hour of boot camp, then sleep, then Zumba, then one hour of swimming or Yoga, haven't decided yet. Probably Yoga. Going to keep the ankle weights, this will be the third class with them. Tuesday boot camp, two hours swimming, and a quick 5K. Wednesday the 30-mile Lake Las Vegas loop, no boot camp. Thursday no boot camp, two Zumbas, no ankle weights. Friday NO exercise at all. Saturday first triathlon. And although I know I can make it because I did it on my own already two weeks ago, I want to go all out, which is why I'm tapering off exercise even though I hate it. THREE days without boot camp (five total). They should sell boot camp in a vial to drink at home when you're going through withdrawals.
Going to do the same thing with the triathlon. First time going for finish, second for baseline, third one for time.
Had a good day in boot camp. Used to be I had a good day in boot camp, I was set for the week. Still gives me the warm fuzzies but I got this foggy cloud over me that numbs everything, so all I can do is show up and do my best and hope my body shows up too, which it did today. Just one more good day of boot camp and then I can recover for next Monday. I am going all out in this triathlon and pushing my body to limits I don't even know exist yet. I can hold my legs off the ground a minute and a half or so, my record. And I was second running (with no hope of being first for a long time). I WILL be first one day, even when the good runners are there, because I will be one of them. Like getting the black belt in Taekwondo. I don't want to get something or "be proud" just for showing up. For once in my life I want to be GOOD.
Debbie out.
MONDAY NIGHT: Finally got the high back, just for a little bit. Now it's just kind of neutral. But I got to try single-L Michele R's class for the first time, which was great. And it was the first time in ages that I felt "FIT." Not thin, not fat, fit. There's no denying there's been SOME improvement when it takes 8 lbs of weights, 5 lbs divided into 2.5 lbs in each leg and 3 lbs divided into 1.5 lbs in each hand, in order to finally get a workout in TKB. I love that I can make a class I've been taking for 8.5 months fresh again. First time wearing ankle weights in TKB, done it twice in Zumba. Skipped out Linda but it was a special occasion. I was actually surprised I lasted the whole class. I told myself first that I would see how long I would last and then told myself just half the class, but that's where the boot camp spirit kicked in and those ankle weights were only going to touch the floor if I collapsed. There are two things I can't do with them, I can't do jump tucks, for one. Not because of the weight but because the snapping motion makes the weights hit my ankles too hard. It's just not good. And sitting down and holding my feet up -- not happening with an extra 5 lbs on them. I can barely do it without any weights. One day, of course. Not today. But other than that I can do anything and even get some pretty good air on jumps. And I got a tremendous workout. Felt really good. But in a month or so I'm going to have to resort to also put on the weighted vest in a month or so in order to get a workout. The more weight I lose the more I want to put on. Start with 10 lbs and work myself up to 40 lbs. ..... TurboKick with a 40 lbs vest, 3 lbs hand weights and 5 lbs ankle weights....... one day. THAT will be pure awesomeness.
But it was great to feel like my "old" "new" self again, even for a little bit. Makes anything endurable.
Debbie out.
TUESDAY NIGHT: Well, today was both awesome and sucked, I'm beginning to see a trend. Day 9. Mission impossible in boot camp and I got further than ever before. Highlights: Sprinting up the hill (by myself, everyone was off in their own corners doing their own thing), telling myself "Come on, you F'er, don't you dare give up now." I like angry, self-loathing Debbie, at least when it comes to doing physical stuff. And then there was the running backwards. At the fourth stretch I fell to the floor, not because I tripped, but because my legs just gave out from pushing them beyond their limit. Got back up and trembled a bit on them but they held on. I happen to like it when I push my body to the point it gives out like that. Then I was doing the jog around the park talking to myself and knowing 50 burpies were next (bend down, legs out to the back, legs back in, jump up), and asking myself whether I would be stuck there, and then I asked out loud, "After everything you've seen, you're really wondering whether you can do 50 burpies? Seriously?" May not have been perfect form, but 50 it was. 100 triceps weight dips. Not perfectly, but 100. I did get stuck on the fence walking and Eyes had me just go on to the next, so I pretty much ended my good run there. My arms were so heavy they would just not move (you have your arms on the ground and are at an angle with your feet on top of a metal fence, and you have to walk across it). That fence is still my nemesis. One day. I can taste the victory.
One part of it was running around the perimeter of the grass touching every tree, and I had to pass a lot of memorial trees with plaques, and right around the fourth one I just start crying and said out loud "Why'd you have to die?!" So I don't know if that's just random or progress. Felt weepy a couple of times during boot camp but only let out once. Got to love individual days where you can do stuff without people noticing.
I love my ankle weights for TKB, make me feel like I'm accomplishing something, finally. No swimming today, forgot I have the monthly visitor, but thankfully started early enough that it won't be here for the actual triathlon.
At boot camp there's this other person (female) who is way skinnier and I think in better shape than me (and taller.... longer legs, better runner). And at first I beat her at running. Then Eyes had to go and do her thing and she started running the way she can run and the way I knew she could run (fitness is 90% mental), and she started leaving me behind every time a few times. Then yesterday I decided internally no you don't, and she kind of internally said ok and gave up and now I'm in front again. Today I sprinted at the end and right at the end passed someone I had been struggling with the whole run and giving up and catching up and giving up and catching up and came in third.
Debbie out.
WEDNESDAY MORNING: I am feeling just absolutely fantastic this morning. I know, surprised me too. So I guess that was nine days, let's see how the rest of the day goes.
I wanted to go a bit into body image. The more I can do, the more I hate my body. It's useless. It's slow. It's weak. I want to be the fastest, strongest, fittest, and I want it NOW. I'm so focused on what I can't do that what I CAN do falls by the wayside. And I'm not sure I want to change this, because it's the best way to ensure fast results, to always be hungry for more. It's a way of being I'm not sure I dislike.
The stomach is going down about an inch a month, and as long as it keeps it up, I'm happy. Hopefully won't have to do plastic surgery. Down to 38 now. I measure across the bellybutton and the widest parts. When you're about to lose weight no one really tells you that you will keep all the fat-less skin. I didn't think I would have this problem, especially losing an average of 1.8 lbs a week, since they recommend 1-2 lbs a week. Really hoping I don't need plastic surgery but I really want the skin to go away, it flaps when I run and it's embarrassing. You can actually hear it flapping. Flap flap flap flap.
Almost-40-mile loop today, so far the farthest I've biked is 19 miles. Looking forward to the challenge. I don't really think I can doubt myself anymore when it comes to fitness, I think the burpies yesterday were the straw that broke the camel's back.
Debbie out.
THURSDAY EARLY MORNING: Yesterday was a very good day. Skipped boot camp as planned and went to Michelle R.'s Zumba to take advantage of being free in the morning. Taking an instructor you took a lot but haven't for a long time is like slipping into a pair of comfortable pajamas. Then it was on to do the river loop in Lake Mead/Lake Las Vegas. My most that I had done biking had been 19 miles. The loop is 35 miles. I did 28.5 miles in 4.5 hours. It's a lot of uphill biking so it's slow going (at least for me) and I'm on a mountain bike, so it's more work than if I was on a road bike. I walked The Three Sisters. That was hard for me, because it was admitting defeat to life. I'll be back and one day I'll bike them. Also walked a couple of short hilly ones at the end. About a mile from where I stopped the trail changes into downhills with hairspins turns and I'm actually kind of glad I got tired before them, I'm too new and they are for experienced riders and I'd probably would have tried them and maybe injured or even killed myself on them.
Is there a better feeling in the world than the lake to your right, the mountains to your left, and Stacy's Mom on the iPod? Pure awesomeness. I really like mountains, more than beaches. Have been like that my whole life. So living in Las Vegas really works for me. But I get pleasure of looking at hilly rocky terrain, I find it beautiful.
I was going up a hill and thought, "Eyes, get me through this hill" then answered myself with "You got yourself into this mess, you get yourself out of it." Had really emotional songs towards the beginning of the ride that I hadn't heard in a while so weeped a little. Sometimes I'm glad I'm so slow I'm left behind to myself sometimes.
Ate 1380 calories during the ride, 300 before it plus six protein bars at 180 each. Drank 96 oz of fluid (Powerade and water).
Today feel great, and have since I'm skipping boot camp have Rachel's TKB at 10, Michelle R.'s TKB at night (which I haven't taken in a while) following by Donalin's Zumba and an hour of swimming. I want to work up my endurance to two hours of swimming. I do about 64 laps in that hour. Tomorrow no exercise, Saturday the triathlon. Something wrong with my bike's breaks so I have to take it to the shop to have it looked at in-between the TKBs.
MONDAY OF NEXT WEEK EARLY MORNING: On Thursday I took advantage of no boot camp again and took Rachel's TKB, and someone told me not to use ankle weights because the impact is bad on the joints. It makes sense so not more weights during cardio, going to find a way to make it harder with just body weight. Swan an hour. Took Michelle R.'s TKB sub and skipped Donalin's because of the left ankle pain.
On Thursday I also ate two slices of pizza. I was expecting angels singing or something like that but got ........ nothing. I mean it tastes good but so does the soup with vegetables I like. Afterwards my body felt horrible, the swim was harder, and it felt like I had eaten but I hadn't at the same time, because that food is so devoid of nutrients. It did not feel good at all. I'm going to make my own pizza. Going to use the Vitamix to ground beans and make flour from them, using fat-free cheese and sauce, grilled chicken, and baked potatoes cut into slices. See how that goes. My first "real" cooking, not completely out of a box.
Saturday was my first triathlon, the AFLAC Irongirl Sprint Triathlon. 800 meter swim, 30K bike, 5K run. I went to the expo and packet pickup on Friday afternoon and had a great time. Got an event hat, earplugs for swimming, Free samples of protein bars, water bottles, and foot soaks. Lots of cool stuff to buy. There's a ton of stuff you have to wear for the triathlon: Number for your bike, number for your bike helmet, number while running, special swim cap, ankle timing chip, and bracelet, and on the day of the event they mark you with your number on both arms and both legs and put your are on the back of your right calf. The timing chip goes on the left ankle so that it doesn't interfere with the bike chain (one of those tips you learn on your first tri). Before the event I took my bike to get checked and had the water bottle holder moved from all the way in the bottom to right in front in-between the handlebars standing up. Awesome. Also bought a little pouch for the middle bar that holds a surprisingly large amount of stuff and a number belt so that I don't have to deal anymore with safety pins.
I set the alarm for 2:30a. An hour to eat, an hour to get there by the time the transition area opened at 4:30a, then the start at 6:30a. I woke up at 4:20a. Looked at the alarm clock in horror wondering what happened, and it turns out I turned it off in my sleep. First time I do that since 2001. I had everything ready so I was out the door by 4:30a, made excellent time and was there a little after 5a, no parking spaces, went to the valet even though it was going to be $10, and stood in line to get the numbers painted on me. Got to the transition area, set up, I had eaten three protein bars in the car, drank, went to the port-a-potty, and when I was all finished they kicked everyone out of the transition area. Perfect timing. Then it was time to actually go do the triathlon and I started to get butterflies in my stomach, just like the night before, after being excited about it for days. That happens to me all the time, no nerves at all until right before, when I least need them. Got to the swim start area and got right in the middle. Everyone was going to start in tandem and everyone had their own chip so that when you started didn't affect your time, the timer started when you crossed the starting line. Then I REALLY started to get nervous. It was like waiting to go on Space Mountain and the biggest baddest waterslide all at the same time.
And then it's my turn to go. And I turn on the GPS watch and it's like I went into autopilot and I just went. Right into the lake. And that's when I realized that pool swimming is NOT like lake swimming. I'm sure I've been in lakes in my life but I can't remember the last time I was ON one, let alone IN one. For one, the water feels thicker, like it's denser. And it's so cloudy you can't see an inch in front of your face underwater. And the water has a current and it's wavy, so that water gets into your nose and mouth and makes it hard to breathe. Took me a few minutes to get used to it. Everybody else was pretty much keeping their head above water so I did the same for those few minutes then decided to swim the way I trained to, and I put my head below water and went (and by the end a lot of people were swimming underwater also). Hadn't really practiced scoping out the surroundings to keep on track but I did fairly well with that although I swam diagonally a lot to get back close to the side buoys. People kept grabbing on to my feet and body in general and some kept on going if they didn't get a good hold the first time around. I did manage to avoid getting kicked in the head. I decided to keep my hands in front as much as possible to reduce the possibility of people getting to my head.
Then the swim was over. It was so totally awesome, I really want to go lake swimming again. The bike was uneventful. I didn't walk, and a lot of people walked the hills. I had a mountain bike and noticed that I was pedaling twice as fast and going twice as slow as people with road bikes. Then again SOME people with mountain bikes were passing me and even those with road bikes, so it makes a difference up to a point. Finally getting a road bike sometime in the next two weeks, can't wait. I did great on the run, just slightly over my best and this was after doing the swim and the bike. I think running is going to be my strong suit. I got running instruction and am going to be getting swimming instruction at the gym.
Had some food afterward, bagel with peanut butter, ham and egg biscuit, and a banana, along with a Muscle Milk and some Gatorade. The bagel with peanut butter was just absolutely delicious. What I ate was great in that it rejuvenated my almost instantly and took the triathlon away, so that my body was ready to go again. It also almost doubled me over in pain because I guess you're not supposed to eat that much that fast all at once. But the pain didn't last long and the almost instant recovery was worth it. I'll put some numbers here later and analyze them, but needless to say running is my thing.
All in all it was an awesome experience and I'll do it again next year.
Sunday it was a volleyball game, bikers vs. boot campers, and we got our behinds handed to us. The bikers were in the field drinking beer and smoking and pounding us, and the best part is when one of them said "Good thing we're out of shape!!" And I realized one thing. Losing 75 lbs does NOTHING towards bettering your sports skills. I still suck at basketball and volleyball. With volleyball, I'm scared of getting hit by the ball, and I overcame that a little bit on Sunday.
Sunday was interesting in one respect. They had snack food and I tried one of everything, and then I found myself wanting some more. It was like someone turned on a switch that I couldn't turn off. So after snacking a little bit (I ate very little of the snacks) I went and sat on the couch to remove myself from the situation, and it worked. I ate a burger, a hot dog, and a blueberry muffin (which I found out later had like 30 grams of fat and over 600 calories..... never again I am checking my phone first for calories in the future, it definitely wasn't worth 600 calories). Then another person arrived and I went for another burger but I realized I was full and then went to put the plate away and then Eyes looks at me and says "You're done" and I say something like yes I am. It was just very weird, to reach for a burger when I wasn't hungry and not knowing why. I guess I haven't been bombarded with that much food in a while. But now I know I can always just walk away from it, if nothing else works.
And I think that's it for this week!! Good thing, as we're already on Thursday of next week!! Debbie out.
