Haven't slept well this week so boot camp has been uneven and haven't really had a GOOD day. Friday went to the crapper when we hiked instead of running and I got lost at the end. But I went up a hill, found the nearest set of buildings, and started walking there. Got to the area where we run to the hill, get a rock, and bring it back in teams (later called "the wash" by Eyes) and I had spotted the highway when they found me in the Hummer. I didn't have any water with me so I wasn't running. I would have made it all the way back to the park.
I tried to do a 24.59 or better 5K today but failed and did 28.5X, less than a minute and a half more from my personal best. And I realized something.
I've lost that killer instinct. Like I really wanted that 25 5K but I knew I wasn't going to do it yesterday, I just knew, the same way I new I was going to do a sub-30 5K the previous time. And I was happy just showing up, moving, running, living. I've lost that cutthroat instinct. I'll still try, but I'm happy just showing up. And I don't necessarily think it's a bad change. I feel I've changed inside and that hunger is gone and there's just a peace and complacency and happiness. And we're talking less than 4 minutes difference from what I wanted and from what I got.
But somehow I feel REALLY good about the marathon next Saturday. Just as I felt I wasn't going to do the 25 5K, I feel that I will do the marathon without stopping/walking. And if I had to choose between the two I'd rather do the marathon. I guess I feel good enough that I can just show up and consistently do under-30 5Ks. And you may do everything right - rest, food, etc., and still have a sucky day (but I only slept 2 hours or so yesterday, might think about melatonin, I have trouble falling asleep).
Until I started going to bc I wouldn't initiate hugs. And the reason for that would be two-fold. First, who was I to think that I was worth enough to be the one starting it and second who would ever want to hug me? Call center job, living at home with mom, no husband or kids, in debt... up to 7/3/09 my life was a failure. I was a failure. I have called my reflection in the mirror a loser.
I always felt I had to keep doing stuff for people because I saw what they brought into the relationship but who could possibly want me just for me. My whole life has been about waiting until I do something wrong and mess up the relationship. Because it always happens, people leave. I wondered sometimes if I myself would be my friend, and half the time I wasn't sure.
For the first time in my life I am really developing a sense of self-worth. Takes times but big changes take time. Today, just feeling I'm good at something, anything, is good enough me.
I've been thinking about feeling confident enough in yourself without developing an ego. I really feel a change happening inside and I really think I like who I am becoming. I don't think I have much of a say as to what my core substance is but luckily it seems to be something I can live it and even embrace. I'm developing a sense of peace as opposed to this frenzied pace all the time, but still being able to compete. Show up, compete, try to win or get a personal best, but be happy just showing up and be happy without having to compete all the time. I don't need a number to feel good about myself.
I did reach a new low weight, 138.5 lbs.
More on all of this later but at least I felt I'm caught up on the blog. Some weeks will have more general thoughts like this one as opposed to structured. I AM back to wearing the BodyBugg, more on that later just because I have to get ready for work.
