This is an old note from the 15th of May:
It struck me the other day when I was talking to somebody that I've changed so much and so quickly that people think this has been me all along and this is who I am. And I thought what better way to show the difference than to describe what my life was like just a year ago.
Why? Because people seem to be inspired by change. And if by knowing how much of a change my life has gone through is able to inspire somebody else, then telling the story is worth it. Maybe I'm also trying to explain what going through this whole thing has been like.
I thought we'd start with elementary school. I was the one they picked to bully (and that went up all the way to the workplace, really, it never really stopped). I was never really part of the group. One of my earliest memories was when I was 6 years old or so and we all sat in a group, the whole class with the teacher, and went around trying to figure out what was wrong with me. My first grade teacher would pinch me and pull my hair. On a private bus I accidentally poked someone on the ear with an errant pen and I was the only one without ice cream. During camp someone's pajamas went missing and I was blamed and I had to skip the search for a ghost which I really wanted to go to and then they found the pajamas inside the person's bag and then a bunch of people made fun of me for being too scared to go on the ghost search. I went on a religious group overnight sleepover and in the morning we were going out to pick up new members and go out to eat or something and my shoes went missing and I was made to stay behind by myself in the house.
I'd be sitting down and someone would come and start kicking a soccer ball against me over and over again and I'd let them. I'd try to leave the room to get a teacher to stop the teasing and I'd be dragged to the floor by my lab coat.
One of the most significant events in my life happened in fifth grade. I had an argument with someone in third or fourth grade, and I think there was pushing back and forth; I don't really remember and I was never the kind of person to shove back even if shoved. Her cousin was in my grade and next thing I know, the younger cousin is telling everyone I shoved her so hard I knocked the wind out of her. So a bunch of fifth and sixth graders corner me in front of the bus (on school property, and I could have sworn I saw at least one administrator looking) and proceeded to kick, pinch, and berate me. When they finished I went into the bus and I cried. The bus driver, who had been sitting there, said that it was a shame. You think?
That was the last time I ever cried in public. I was never going to allow myself to cry in public again.
I was too fat to run so I would walk in P.E. around the track while everyone else ran, and as early as fifth grade if not earlier I would pray to G-d to let me be happy one day, and that if I got a sign that I would, I would put up with anything.
In college people would leave anonymous comments in my website's guestbook about what a disgusting pig I was. They didn't have to, I myself have looked in the mirror and called myself a loser.
My life was defined by fear. Fear of not being liked, fear of making mistakes, fear of life. I spent 31 years eating and watching TV. I'd spend 4-5 hours a day laying on the couch watching TV. My daily diet consisted of pizza rolls, hot pockets, large pizza, bagel bites, cheese sticks, etc.
Been suffering from depression since at least fifth grade. On therapist 31 or so (because of a few minor things, like losing a dad, having to adjust to a new body, psychological changes of losing 75 lbs, wanting to change the inside as well as the outside, etc.). I always felt I wasn't really living but just existing until my real life started. I think it did.
My life would have been so different if I could take this Debbie back. I probably would have gotten suspended a couple of times but no one would have ever dared to pick on me again. Life would have been an adventure. But I like two quotes I've come across. The first one is that you cannot change the past but you can rewrite your future. The second is that life DOES have do-overs. If you need an example, here it is.
I want to briefly touch on what my dad dying did to me. June 3rd, 2009. I talk to my dad on the 2nd at night, tell him "Talk to you tomorrow," and hours later he's dead. Slipped down the stairs at home, hit his head, and died. Great physical and mental shape. Something like that breaks you. It's like there's a hole poked in your soul. You can mend it, but you'll always be able to tell something happened there. I went to Venezuela never expecting to go back. And it's like I picture my life having two timelines and this is a weird alternate one I was never supposed to be on. I had never gotten overwhelmed. When I was there, I'd get overwhelmed and I'd have to step to the side and just breathe because life itself was just too much. I got to enjoy bathrooms a lot, because they were small and quiet. I never saw my dad dead because Jews don't do that. The only proof I have that he's dead is that he hasn't called me since. New Debbie would have opened that casket. Touch him one last time, try to poke him to get him to wake up.
It's really like G-d came to me one day and said, Here, have this new life, where everything as you know it will change. You'll be stronger, better, both inside and out, you'll find a strength and a love of life you never knew existed and you yourself will change. Oh, yeah. Your dad? Not a part of it.
If I had to choose between a five-minute visit from my dad and all this, I wouldn't know any of you. Just to tell him one last time that I love him, that I'm sorry for broken promises and all those times I didn't call and for not being the perfect daughter. Just to hug him and touch him one last time.
And you really have something happen TO you instead of you MAKING IT happen, and you try to explain that to people. You think I chose any of this? This is as far from anything I ever would have chosen. So when people ask me what made me choose to change my life and exercise..... I didn't. I had no choice in the matter, all I could do was hang on for dear life while all this happened (and keeps happening).
And when you wake up one day and you get handed over pretty much a new life, you are really in awe that you get to live out this life. You wake up and go, Really? I really get to live out this life? This is really mine? I get to keep it?
And you develop a fear of losing all of this, of going back. Because one day you wake up and go to the gym and never stop and the cravings stop and never come back and you don't understand why or how it happened, and you're scared of losing it all and having to go back to who you once were, and you want to get as much of this as you can because you never know how long you'll have it for.
This is the best way I can explain it: Imagine the most delicious [insert your favorite flavor] ice cream [or most favorite food] in the world. No calories, no fat, you can eat as much as you want, and it's a bottomless container, and you don't know if it will ever run out, so you eat and eat and eat in fear of the faucet of ice cream shutting off, if you will. That's why I exercise four to six hours a day, because there's always the fear that tomorrow the drive will be gone and I'll be in bed again and I want to get as much ice cream in as I can before it's taken away from me. Because remember, none of this was a choice.
On trips all I'd want to do is lay in bed reading. Now my motto is Anything, Anywhere, Anytime. I like my music when I work out because it motivates me but sometimes I skip the iPod because I want to be in the moment, I want to experience life happening.
And you know, life isn't perfect. I still have many goals to go. But it has started, and the changes have started happening, and it's all the good kind of uphill from here (although is there a kind of bad uphill? ;)).
Do you know how ironic it is that my dad dying was the event that set off the best year of my life? That's something I have to live with the rest of my life. That it really feels like he died so that I could live? That he would have been my biggest supporter and no matter how many triathlons I finish he can never see any of them, I can never give him any of this?
The depression comes and goes and Old Debbie would lay in bed. New Debbie gives it the finger on the way to boot camp.
So next time I say thank you for believing in me when my whole life it seemed most people didn't, all of this is what I'm really saying thank you for.
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May 26th:
I've always wanted to go skydiving. Old Debbie wanted to do a lot of things. New Debbie does them for her. So what better day than today, my birthday? My first birthday after I got my second lease in life.
I get there early, straight from work. Bad move, since I got there so early I had time to think. And then I get nervous. And then I ramble, to the point that the people who work there are telling me (jokingly) to shut up lol Filled out a bunch of forms about how this could result in injury or death. About how we were about to be inappropriately groped in private places (I almost put "Only if you're hot" next to my initials). Then into a room where we watched a video about, what else, how we could die or be injured. Then we had to show how we could fold our legs into ourselves from a sitting position and .... I couldn't. They wouldn't budge. I'm thinking are you freaking kidding me, this is one of the hardest things for me in boot camp, I wish I would have practiced harder. The instructor is looking at me like are you freaking kidding me which was kind of cool because it means I at least look like I should be able to do it. After everyone left the room I was able to do it (and was able to do it easily when it counted, up in the air). Then we practiced the banana, laying on a round rolling soft round chair thingie, head tilted back, legs folded back, arms first tucked in front then at 90 degree angles out.
True to what I was told by a staff member, you go from fear to gung-ho back to fear back to gung-ho and up and down and up and down and I want to go already and I want to go home. Then it was time to suit up and get the harness on. Then we watched the first wave go (I was in the second wave). Everyone's chutes opened. Whew. Seven of them. Perfect landings. Then we went inside to get our instructors (tandem jump). I went to talk to the first wave, specially the woman, and they all said it was amazing. Then I hear "Debbie!! DEBBIE!!" and run to find my instructor. Since I took so long getting to him we were last on the plane..... first to jump. And they told me the worst parts were the ride up in the plane, the tugging when the chute opens, and the landing. But as we were going up, all I felt was peace. It soothed me to look down into the ever-disappearing ground. It brought me peace.
And I started thinking about my dad. For those of you who don't know, on 6/3/09, we got a call that he slipped down the stairs at home (in Venezuela), hit his head, and died. I had talked to him briefly six hours before and the last words I ever said to him were "Talk to you tomorrow." He was in great physical and mental health, 69-years-old. And I've been hiking and if you think about it, you can slip and die. It's possible. Specially hanging from rocks in the middle of nowhere or going downhill. And then this. But he died at home. If you gotta go, you gotta go, and hiding from life at home isn't going to protect you (not that he was doing that, just saying). And I wasn't afraid. I think it was my dad's time to go and G-d took him that way to remind me for the rest of my life to never keep from doing something out of fear. Fear can never again be a deciding factor in my life. Anything, anywhere, anytime. And I was not nervous. I pictured myself going over the side of the plane falling, and I felt peace. And then it was time to go, get clipped to my awesome instructor, goggles on, and off the side of the plane we went. And then I didn't stop yelling until we hit the ground. But yelling helps me deal with fear and nervousness :) It won't stop me from doing something, it just helps me get through it. That's going to be a funny video once I get it in a couple of days, and should make for some good pics. Your face feels like it's being plastered. And then the chute opened, and it wasn't that bad of a pull. But then the freaking TURNING began. If there's something that I didn't like about the jump, it was turning in circles, I hate that feeling of just one side of your body is falling down and being pulled back. I steered the parachute a bit. Then he took it back and he braked it a bit and we did a perfect landing. I think we ended up in our butts but I felt him land first, my legs folded after all. The ascent was perfect, the pull of the parachute was nothing, the landing was phenomenal, just a tremendous rush and experience, and afterwards I was shaking so bad a staff member had to put my tip in the envelope, I couldn't get the bills in. When I landed I literally kissed the ground and got dirt inside my mouth. Crunchy. Could still feel it an hour later.
Can't wait to see the video and pictures. And once you jump out of a plane, everything else pales by comparison. Once you go on "extreme" adventures, everything else pales in comparison. And you need more more more each time, something harder, tougher, badder, bigger. Once I actually DO something, it's like meh. The Sprint Triathlon didn't even feel like a challenge because I overtrained (64 laps instead of 32, 28 miles instead of 19 on the bike, 10K instead of 5K). What I love is the feeling of having to push, the feeling of having to meet a challenge. Once I meet it, it's no longer a challenge and I lose interest. I thought about jumping more and I think what I'm going to do is get my 25 tandem jumps in, then do a jump by myself, then not jump again, because I have way too many other things I want to do. But I do want to jump by myself one day.
It was an amazing experience. And when I was signing up I was able to claim I was height and weight proportionate and it felt good, and then I realized I probably wouldn't have been able to go skydiving before even if I wanted to because of the weight.
I think that's why I'm starting to warm up to how my body looks and feels now, because it's not keeping me from doing what I want.
Highly recommended experience, I will definitely be back to do it again one day =)
Don't be afraid of life. Embrace it. Do what you want to do. And you know what I was thinking on that plane and going up to the plane? It actually would take ACTION -NOT- to do it... i.e. walking away. If I just followed the person in front of me I wouldn't even have to think, I just had to keep moving forward and just follow orders to go through the experience. Don't hide from life, live it. Don't be scared of things. Or be scared but do them anyway. That's what I do.
Debbie out.
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A way to beat depression?
If you haven't heard before, I've suffered from depression since at least 5th grade, so that makes it about 22 years by now, or over 2/3's of my life. 30 or so therapists, group therapy, support groups, medication, the whole shebang, and nothing. What do you do? In my case I just learned to live with it the best I could, and it was something that came and went and I had no control over how often and for how long and to what degree, the only thing I could do is wait until it left and then just go on living.
When I started exercising on 7/3/09 it went away almost completely for a few months (I can remember 2 "episodes" in that time) and just came back a couple of months ago. When you have chronic depression you never really think it's gone for good because it always comes back and you don't want to set yourself up for disappointment. But when it came back a couple of months ago, I was Exercise Debbie as opposed to Old Debbie, so I couldn't react to it the same. So I started ignoring it. If it came, I'd talk to it out loud, say I didn't have time for it, and just ignore and go on with what I was doing.
Then 5/22/10 came around. A boot camp extreme challenge. And after it was done and we were walking a rocky trail back to the cars, something happened to me. I'm not sure what it was or what it means or what changes it will bring. I just know something happened. And one of the things I knew from that point forward is that I could never be depressed gain. I don't know WHY, I just know that I can't be depressed ever again. Sometimes through this whole fitness journey I just "know" things. I don't think I can, I know I will. And there's a huge difference. I went from six minutes of running to half an hour of running based on what a person said on Facebook, and when I started that half hour run, I laughed out loud, because I KNEW I was going to do it, and it felt great to know that at the beginning of the run.
So I've felt 2-3 depression episodes coming these past few days, and I just put my foot down and said "no." I refuse. Literally saying out loud, no, I refuse. No. No no no no no no no. Just no. You can't come at all. And me personally I think ignoring something and refusing something -- like night and day, completely different, even though outwardly they have the same appearance. I refuse to be depressed ever again.
I've learned two things these past couple of days. One, it helps to shut your brain off and just go sometimes. We think too much. Just set it aside and just experience life instead of thinking about life. Feel the earth beneath your feet, the wind in your hair, the sun in your face.... FEEL life.
Second, sometimes it's harder to give up than to go. When you're at the edge of the "figurative" cliff, isn't it easier to just jump than to turn around and walk all the way back to the car? Sometimes it's easier to accomplish something than to back away.
And I don't know why mention those last two points, but I think they have something to do with the whole "no" thing.
Start making life happen instead of just letting life happen. Take the reigns and start directing your life. You can be anything and do anything. Have you ever wanted to do something? What's the difference between you now and you doing that something? Is it just taking action? That's a huge thing, taking action. What's stopping you? Picture yourself doing it, and just do it. Because there's really nothing stopping you. Just fear, self-doubt, but all of those are in your head, and all of those you can say No to. Refuse to be a victim. Refuse to let life happen to you. Anything you don't like, you actually have the power to refuse, to say no. I refuse to be weak anymore, to have fear control my life, to be depressed, to be anything less than everything I want to be. And there's no difference between you and me.
In the blog I wrote that people say to just turn the depression off, to turn the switch, and I said that I had been dealing with it for 20 years and I hadn't found a way to do that, so that if they knew how, please share. So I figured I'd do the same.
How long will this last? I don't know. Will this actually work? I don't know. Will I ever be depressed again? I don't know. I just know I refuse, and I have the power to say no and to make my life whatever I want it to be. And that's what I want to share with you. Grab that power and say no to your thing, because we all have our thing. Refuse your thing. Control your life. Make your life.
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Written Sunday:
9th day depression-free. Just say No! Fifth straight day of writing at least 300 words a day. More and more I realize that anytime you see anybody who's overweight, depressed, isolated, weighted down, etc. .... that's not a lazy, unmotivated person. That's someone who had Life happen to them. It happens to all of us. Go talk to them and find out what their story is.
I think while learning to listen to my body first because of the food and then because of the exercise, I found a way to listen to my soul ;) I've learned quite a few things on this journey, I'll write them up one of these days. But I think if you fine-tune your senses in order to capture more of you, you can't help but pick up on others' signals also.
And I actually used those same exact words in either a blog entry or my last Note here.... make life happen instead of letting life happen to you :) We can refuse to be victims of circumstance.
On Saturday I went to the drag races at the Speedway. It feels good to move around and do things and go places and experience new things instead of sitting at home watching TV.
Writing this on Saturday of NEXT WEEK. On Sunday mom came back from Venezuela for two months, so straightening up a bit. Did a spin class with Dallas, felt good, might start incorporating an hour spin class here and there. Set up the treadmill at 10 miles per hour (six-minute mile), grabbed on, and jumped on. BAD IDEA, but ONE OF THE if not THE funnest idea I've had for a while. Was able to hang on and then was able to jump back out. It could have been ugly. Do NOT try this. Let me be the crazy adventurous one. Ok, that's kind of selfish, but trust me, NOT something you want to try. That's about it for Sunday. Debbie out.
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