MONDAY AFTERNOON: I got really into GeoCaching last week and found my first, stuck beneath a doggie tin (where you deposit doggie waste) in front of the house. Looked for another one today without luck. It's an addictive hobby, it's hard, it's active, it's fun, and after the initial $40 investment for the software and $30 a year for the website, it's free. There's one on top of Turtlehead, Peak, will re-sign that one and take a picture on Thursday.
I was looking into the mirror and it's getting harder and harder to reconcile that person with "Old Debbie." It's not that I don't know who I am, it's that there's so many internal and external changes that happened pretty much in 11 months so far that you look at yourself and you are almost looking into a stranger. You change and you hope you still like yourself at the other end. There's a strength that's developing in me, and I'm not used to seeing that strength. I'm not someone who can be pushed around anymore, and that scares me a little.
Take Miriam. Elementary school teacher I just found on Facebook. Part of me wants to ask her Why. Why didn't you stand up for me. She wasn't like Gladys, who actually PICKED on me, nevermind not defended me. I have good memories of Miriam, like she was a kind teacher. But the rest of my life at that point still sucked. And part of me wants to ask, Didn't you see anything? What if I was in front of Gladys, all 140-lbs 32-year-old me? What if I had a chance to ask why? Do I even want to? Is it a truer test of strength if you can walk away from your past and just keep on with the present?
There's two camps. One, like Freud, says that you have to "fix" your past to move on, that you have to come to a resolution with it. The other says to just leave the past behind and just move on. I waver back and forth, I've never been able to make a firm decision either way on which way is the better way or the "right" way.
It's a weird feeling, the feeling of being strong. I haven't entirely warmed up to it yet. You look into your eyes in the mirror and you see someone you can't push around. And I'm not used to that looking back and me and it doesn't feel familiar. See, and the thing of it all is, that I picture myself being face to face with someone who actually picked on me in the past, and I really hope if that moment comes that I just turn around and walk away. Not because I'm weak, but because I'm strong. I really don't want to become a bitter person and I certainly don't want "revenge." People do the best they can. If someone picked on me, that was filling a need they had.
When you are a child adults are supposed to stand up for you. And no one did for me, and I wasn't able to do it for myself because of how young I was. But then you reach an age where you naturally start standing up for yourself but by that time, you're so beaten up you pretty much give up on fighting back and let life happen to you. No one really teaches you to stand up for yourself, so you never really learn.
Then you start working out, and find out that you actually CAN do something. And other people give you the feeling that they believe in you, and you are successful at one thing, then another, then another, and you slowly start believing in yourself. And then you meet someone else who seems to accept you for who you are, and that would have been helpful all alone, but it's even more helpful now, because you're not ever sure who you are anymore. You are rediscovering yourself. Well, not really rediscovering. You are getting to know yourself, period. And you find yourself in an environment where you don't have to be second-guessing yourself all the time and you are safe to probe around and figure out who you are and act that way. You find yourself being "safe" in more and more places.
And it's a combination of that, confidence and safety, that creates strength.
TUESDAY EARLY MORNING: So we're doing flag mountain tomorrow. And for the first time ever, I'm scared of boot camp. I had some butterflies that first day, but this is cold clammy fear. It's a steep hill and first we have to go up but worse we ave to go down. And I'm scared to death. Of course I'm going to show up tomorrow, skipping it would never enter my mind, but I'm terrified. I've dubbed it Flag Mountain, because we're taking a piece of cloth stuck to a pole, putting our names on it, and planting it on top. I mean, how significant, right, I can have my name up there and conquer the mountain. They should wait until I get back down to plant it.
I've been to Flag Mountain once before, I found. It was that time we dragged tired up a mountain. On the way down it was so steep, I went down on my butt. And we only went up part of the mountain, the easy part.
So yeah, scared. It's a weird feeling to be scared of boot camp. I'm not even scared of jumping off a cliff into the rocks below for Jagged Edge, which we're doing in late July. I'm not scared to jump off a cliff but I am scared of going up and down a mountain. Go figure.
What needs to happen is that I need to slip and fall, which I haven't done yet, so that I can see there's no big deal to it. I think the fear is psychological and stems from my dad pulling me down mountains when I was little.
TUESDAY AFTERNOON: So I posted on FaceBook how I was scared of Flag Mountain and Eyes challenged me to do it half an hour up and half an hour down, and that was it. She said the C word. There's something about someone challenging me to something that turns me on fire. So I get to Mission Hills, sign the flag, and I was very nervous. And when I get nervous I ramble. And we were starting the hike and I kept looking at the floor, I was so nervous. And I started slow and as I progressed I got faster and faster. And then I saw them, at the top of the hill. And something happened. And I ran. I ran through rocks going up and a mountain top towards them. I mean actual running, through a rocky terrain up a narrow trail at the top of a mountain. And up mini-hills, and down mini-hills, and scrambling up rocks, and just running. And I was free. And I was figuratively and literally on top of the world. And the switch turned and I was completely free. And I got there. Not in the half an hour and not in the half an hour down, but I made great time compared to me and I lost the fear of rocky inclines. It's gone.
Going down was quite the experience. I went down every which way. Bearcrawling backwards most of the way because I wanted to go down FAST, and that was the fastest way, on all four backwards just sliding down the mountain fast. And I went forwards standing up, and sideways. It was the most awesomest thing ever. And, for me, I went down that mountain FAST.
It's one of those things that you know will change your life but you're so wiped out from the experience you don't have the energy to figure out HOW it will change your life.
We hadn't had enough adventures for the day so we went GeoCaching and found two. I went down in reverse through The Loop - down the rocky hill instead of up, the first half of The Loop. By now I had these huge calluses in my feet because hiking shoes are not for running. So it was slow going down. But next time we do The Loop, I am throwing myself at it. Next time we do ANY kind of hill, that hill is mine. I was going down that mountain, and it was mine. And that's an awesome feeling. So the going down The Loop was slower because my feet were just killing me by then, and I tried to ignore the pain as best I could. I want that hill when I'm good and rested, I'll show it who's boss. I've learned to BOTH go up and down hills. I can move quickly (or quicker) through them now.
There's two things that REALLY helped. First, HIKING SHOES. They DO make a difference. Who knew HIKING SHOES would be so awesome for HIKING. Like NIGHT and DAY. THAT amazing. Caps amazing. I am never hiking without hiking shoes again, going to keep them in the trunk of my car along with the weight vest and a mat. Anytime, anything, anywhere. And the second thing was the CamelBack, those water backpacks. Allowed me not to carry my water bottle and I used my hands A LOT. Gloves helped as usual. It would have hurt without gloves. I got enough scratches left even WITH the gloves.
So we did the reverse of the first half of The Loop and a total of about 2.5 Towers hills, and we found two GeoCaches, my #2 and #3, and I am now totally and completely addicted to them. Dru found the first one and me the second one.
It was a good day. Debbie Out. Tomorrow I'll write more about looking into a stranger's eyes. As a starting point, mom told me yesterday "They changed my daughter." She can sense it, just like I can. SOMEthing changed, what that something is, it's too early to tell. Debbie Out for real now.
SATURDAY MORNING: Wednesday was uneventful. Thursday I went to Turtlehead Peak in remembrance of dad's first Dad's Death Day Anniversary. I wanted to go by myself first to be able to grieve in peace and second because I needed to get over the fear of getting lost and being alone in the mountains (and was able to do both). I think I'm ready to move on with my life (not that I didn't before, but I found a kind of peace now that I'm over the first year of him dying.... if I'm not looking straight into his picture, I'm OK. If I look into his face I get a little choked up, not ready for that yet).
Once I get to the top, I think I found the GeoCache. Books and goodies inside. It isn't until I GET HOME that I read a post that that box is not a GeoCache, the GeoCache is hidden under a tree and not out in the open. Who the hell leaves a fake GeoCache 50 feet away from the real one 2.5 MILES UP IN A FREAKING MOUNTAIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE?!?! But I'm not bitter.
I'm going back next week Sunday and finding the real one and putting stickers all over THIS box saying THIS IS NOT THE REAL GEOCACHE. Watch me.
So I'm sitting up there all alone and signing the fake GeoCache book and someone comes up and asks what's that a log book? And I say yes it's a GeoCache. And she says A GEOCACHE really?!?! And I get all excited and say YES!! Are you into GeoCaching?!?! And she says no, but my friend is into it BIG TIME!! And then I hear a voice, Is that Debbie?!?! And who comes walking up to the top of Turtlehead Peak other than Michele. We were both like NO FREAKING WAY.
At one point she turns to one in her group of four and says, That's Debbie, and the other person goes, I know, I've seen her picture on Facebook
Just think of the timing in order to meet somebody you know on top of the peak.
When we went down I was able to go much faster since I'm not alone anymore. Not complete, but I'm mostly done with my fear of hikes.
On Friday Eyes substituted a morning boot camp and I went. This week's boot camps have been hard on me, just physically, I haven't been "there" there. Other than Turtlehead Peak, Flag Mountain tomorrow, the 10K, a Zumba, and 50 laps in the pool, I haven't done any extra exercise other than the 5 boot camp sessions. I guess my body needed a rest (and if you read the blog regularly you know that's NOT sarcasm).
So the first one was at 6a and then the regular 9:30a one. And my body was all there for 9:30a. I needed that. I needed one good boot camp session. It keeps me going strong. I can make it through what I call a sucky boot camp week performance-wise and be all refreshed by one good one.
We did towers and the warm-up was the loop. I've gotten sooooo much better at hiking, that now I can get to the top WITH the group (and even ahead of some instead of far behind in last), and then we're talking running, which is my thing. So I'm getting better at my weakness and at my strength. But if I can keep people in my line of sight, I can easily overtake them once we get on pavement (I still lose some ground running on rocks but it's getting less and less and once we get on pavement, it's mine). And I think running today's 10K at the pace I wanted instead of at my pace is going to help me figure out some mental running things and break free of a running barrier that we all have that ties us down to the ground.
I'm glad I had that session. Now I'm good to go all hardcore on Monday. We went up the hill, down the hill, some running, up the hill, down the hill, and I was first because Dru wasn't feeling well, so I was really second. I'm down on myself a lot and I like it because it just drives me harder and harder each time, but I was thinking that I don't think I'm that fit but look who I'm measuring myself against - the cream of the crop. So I think in boot camp we're all in the top 10-25% of fit people, and I'm middle of the pack in that (last of the pack when it comes to the top - Eyes, Jill, Dru, Sara if she ever comes back), and almost there when it comes to others. You have to learn to figure out who's underperforming based on their true ability, because for one reason or another, some people don't run as fast as they can, so you can't even base their running ability on how they run in boot camp. And of course you can't base it on how they look, you have to base it on how they run. We inherited another good runner who seems to come a lot and who's ahead of me but who I can overtake on one of those special days, whenever the next one comes. I have to have that click moment to overtake her, it's not an everyday thing, but it's doable.
Today I ran a 10K.
Course was 10.14K in 1:00:21 watch time (1:00:12 official time). If you divide time by seconds and multiply by 10K, that's 59:31 for the 10K. I did right under 28 for the 5K, beating my previous 5K time. 6.3 MPH (10K is 6.21 miles). Hot and hilly. Beat my previous 10K time by way over 10 minutes in a month and 11 days, or almost 10%. Second 10K.
On the 10K today I tried to keep a 10K/hr pace because I wanted an hour or less 10K (which I did), and I felt like fainting the whole way through. I didn't go at my pace, 10K/hr was definitely above what I could do physically, but I wanted it. And I thought that I always SAY I want something I don't know I can finish, and here it was, and I took it. I felt like stopping sooooooo many times, but there were only two ways I was going to stop: At the finish line, or fainting. You have a determination that overtakes everything and you WILL do it no matter what. I was not going to stop. My mind takes over. And it's as hard for me as it is for anybody else and I have the same self-doubts as anybody else, but for some reason sometimes I can tap into that inner strength we all have and make magic happen like today. Because for me, a 10K in under an hour was making magic happen. I ran an hour at a pace faster than I could handle.
Tomorrow we go to Flag Mountain again just for the hell of it, nothing better to do. I can't wait, I'm going for time. That mountain will be mine. I take no prisoners lately. I'm doing something, I'm going for it. I'm beginning to realize that there's a point where you become "free" physically.
MONDAY OF NEXT WEEK: I want to wrap the week and then move on. I was sooo much more tired this time from everything I did during the week that I was a lot slower, but made it up and down in 2:03:46, counting the time spent on top. I want to go back and do Flag Mountain many more times. I want to go back next week and take tons of pictures and then go back the week after and go for a better time and just keep going. It's fast, it's hard, it's fun, and I know where it is. Do it enough, and you get better at it. But I need a good pair of hiking shoes. $150 will do it. Saving up to it. I'll do enough hiking that they'll pay off for themselves. Went to IHOP afterwards and had some pancakes, eggs, and turkey bacon. I love that place.
That's it for this week. On to the seventh. Debbie Out.
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