4545. That's the amount of calories in the following: Little Caesar's cheese pizza to go (2000 calories, 8 slices at 250 calories each, cheesy bread (1300, 130 each times 10), hot wings (400, 8 times 50), crazy bread (800, 100 times 8), and crazy sauce (45). Of course I can't eat the whole thing in one sitting. Eat as much as I can and then nibble throughout the day. That's my cheat meal/day of choice. Had 4 of those (or may even have been 3) in the past 18.5 months. So I guess in the numbers I'm still ahead. And I look forward to more of those meals in the future, but not until I hit 115 lbs. Want some comparisons? 4545 calories equals about 56 apples or about 26 boxed meals that I eat at 170 calories each. About 22-30 bananas. 568 strawberries. Etc.
I've been going up and down and up and down between the lowest of 129.5 lbs and 140 lbs since April of this year. I even got up to 145 lbs (one more lb and I would have been considered "overweight" so I've still kept my "normal" weight since April) after this last "binge" (what's the difference between a cheat meal, a buffet, and what society calls a binge?) and now I'm down to 137.5 lbs. But something changed after that last cheat/binge meal. I'm not going back up again. 22.5 lbs more lbs to go, but each time I hit a number, I know I will never see that number again. I'll never be 138 lbs again. There's a determination that has finally gripped me and is helping me to the end.
What's funny is that I wasn't trying to make myself feel good with that meal. I wasn't trying to fill some deep void in my soul. I wasn't trying to make myself happy. I just like how it tastes and I wanted the instant gratification of that taste. I think that's the difference now, if I eat food like that I know exactly why I'm eating it, so there was no guilt at all after every meal because I did exactly what I wanted. What happened was that the calories set me back too much (that's about 1.5 lbs in calories) and I just don't want that many calories in at once until I reach my goal weight, at which time with the working out that I do I'll be able to eat whatever I want (up to a point, but we're talking ~2800 calories a day to maintain or even more).
In other news, I burned out. I was there in the middle of a Zumba class and I thought I just can't do this class anymore. I know 90% of the routines used at 24HF and Gold's. Over and over and over and over and over again. It's like I couldn't do just one more dance without my head exploding. The next day I did a cycle and then waited an hour for a TurboKick and walked out of the gym 5 minutes before class time. I just couldn't bring myself to take the class. I was done.
The following Monday I started my triathlon training. By that Thursday, I was done with that. I skipped the $80 marathon I had paid for and I plan on skipping three other events I paid for for a total of $320. I feel so very close to hating working out, and so far working out has been fun. If I push myself into either triathlon training or doing the events I run the risk of going back to Fat Debbie. For $320? No way. I have to be careful. That was last week. And this week I went back to the gym and I've been enjoying it again, although I definitely need to try some different instructors because I need a change. No matter how much you love the class or the instructor, you burn out sooner or later. It took me 16.5 months of group classes at 2-5 classes a day to burn out. That's at least 1000 classes and that's a low estimate. And I keep trying to make myself into something that I'm not. I can't do the same thing over and over and over again, I need a little bit of everything, to be able to switch from one thing to another on a whim from one second to the next. Rest of January, gym (YMCA for the last two weeks to get some new instructors and classes), February is Cross Fit, March is Bikram Yoga, April is a boot camp program at a gym. By then I should be at 115 lbs. Also bought some games for the PS3 (Zumba, Your Shape, Active 2.0), XBOX (Biggest Loser, Dance Central), and Wii (Gold's Cardio Workout) to add some variety and ease of scheduling.
So no more triathlons, no more rules, just wake up, pick what to do, have fun. That's what works and I don't know why I keep trying to change it. But at least I guess it's comforting to know I can spot a burnout and take steps to halt it and reverse it.
As an endnote, here's some stuff I wrote on Facebook about food:
Hey, sounds simple, but after 18 months of almost daily weighing, it becomes a habit... brush teeth, comb hair, scale. Gym, scale. Scales everywhere!! You really do get scared that you're going to gain all the weight back if you don't monitor it everyday :)
---
Since April I've been losing and gaining the same 10 pounds. Been up and down around 4 cycles now. You really do get a point where you ask yourself, really? Is food really worth pushing the goal back over and over again? Because trust me, it's not that I don't WANT to go back to pizza, burgers, and hot dogs (the three main food groups). And you start thinking that you can't do this to yourself any longer and that you have to tighten up for one last push and finish off what you started, and you can't keep sabotaging yourself.
And I was thinking about how there's always going to be "a special occasion." There's New Year's, December holidays, 4th of July, birthdays, weddings. We have taught ourselves that we deserve to be happy and food makes us happy to we deserve to eat and we equate food with happiness. Society as a whole. Add that to a brain pre-wired to want to eat in excess, and it's all downhill from there.
So you get a to a point and you get sick and tired of the whole thing and start looking at why you want to eat at that particular moment and if it's not out of hunger, you decide you're worth more than that instant gratification and just say no. You realize you're not going to starve and you know how much is a reasonable amount per day and you put your foot down and decide to just say no.
Or something like that ;)
Because it's not that you can turn off cravings or that you don't pass a chocolate cake and don't want to eat the whole thing anymore. It's just that you become tired of doing that to yourself. And you finally understand that passing up on dessert is not "denying yourself." We have this whole thing about "denying ourselves." And it goes back to we want to believe we are good and if we are good we deserve to be happy and food makes us feel good so we think food makes us happy so we want to eat. And if we -don't- eat then we are castigating and denying ourselves of, ultimately, happiness. That's the world as it exists right now. And our brain plays right into that happily.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Friday, December 10, 2010
Losing it all - some random thoughts, an unfinished entry - 12/10/10
So here we are, 17.5 months after I started working out. I always say that I didn't lose the 75 lbs, that it was all somehow given to me. That it was easy. One day the cravings just stopped and the working out just starting, like flipping a light switch.
I got to 130 lbs and I'm back up to 140 lbs. I've been gaining and losing these same 10 lbs for months now. I've gotten to 130 lbs twice and then back up. Down, up. So now I'm at 75 lbs lost from 215lbs on 7/3/09.
I used to, a long time ago, eat four hamburgers at a time. 20 cheese sticks. Two McDonalds Breakfast Deluxes (not all at the same time, each one of those was a meal). I'd get this urge and I'd drive to the drive-through and it was like I couldn't stop myself even if I wanted to. All that stopped on 7/3/09.
These past few weeks I've been getting this hunger that I can't seem to satiate or stop. Yesterday I have 10 fiber bars, about 200-300 grapes, and 3 boxed meals. I'd say about 2500 calories. And no exercise. So that's about 700 calories over. I haven't had a deficit in over a week. Eat, eat, eat. The feeling that I can't stop myself. And the vertigo medicine is making me feel not sleepy, but so exhausted that I can't get out of bed. Although it takes the symptoms away completely, it makes me so tired that I stay in bed anyway. I see the specialist in 8 days so at least there's an end in sight regarding the vertigo. Or at least a checkpoint. Hope.
I thought it was the vertigo medicine that was making me feel hungry but I'd stop it for two days, enough to rid my system of it according to the balance center, and the hunger is still there.
It's as if someone said, here, we got you to 140 lbs. Now we're leaving, and you'll be left at the same point as you were before, with that hunger and inability to stop eating and dragging yourself to exercise. Have fun! It's as if someone gave me training wheels and now they're being taken off and I have to take it from here. And you know what I decided it will take from here? Courage. Because I have to believe I'm strong enough to resist the eating urges.
It's like the depression. Let me tell you a story of how I "beat" depression. From the time I was 10 to the time I was 31, 21 years. It affected every area of my life. I had to drop classes in college because of it. It affected jobs. Everything. Then one day I was behind someone important to me and they had hurt their foot. And we were walking back to our car with this group of people from working out in the river. And I told her she could lean on me and I'd help her back. She said no, of course. She was too tough for that. It was actually one of the qualities I liked most about her. So there I am, walking behind her, looking at her feet moving and double-stepping now and then through the pain. I will never forget those minutes. It's like when time stands still. And I thought to myself, that if I want someone to lean on me, they have to, at least for that specific moment in time, feel that I am stronger than them. It's just common sense, if you lean on something weaker than you, it breaks and you fall. You lean on a wall that will stand your weight. You lean on a person that can, at that moment in time, hold you up. So then I started thinking that I wanted her to feel like she could lean on me so I had to be strong enough in her eyes for that. And then I started wondering what that entailed. And all this internal dialogue took a couple of minutes at most. And it was then that I decided that I would never be depressed again. Not that I couldn't be depressed again, but that I wouldn't. (that for me is a huge difference) And it has been months and I haven't been depressed since. Those first few weeks I'd feel myself getting depressed, and I'd say out loud "No, Debbie." I'd be in the car, pop open the mirror (parked), look into my eyes, and say "No, Debbie." Out loud. I haven't had to do that lately, now I just don't get depressed. After 21 years, it was ironically that easy.
What makes something happen at a specific moment in time?
I got to 130 lbs and I'm back up to 140 lbs. I've been gaining and losing these same 10 lbs for months now. I've gotten to 130 lbs twice and then back up. Down, up. So now I'm at 75 lbs lost from 215lbs on 7/3/09.
I used to, a long time ago, eat four hamburgers at a time. 20 cheese sticks. Two McDonalds Breakfast Deluxes (not all at the same time, each one of those was a meal). I'd get this urge and I'd drive to the drive-through and it was like I couldn't stop myself even if I wanted to. All that stopped on 7/3/09.
These past few weeks I've been getting this hunger that I can't seem to satiate or stop. Yesterday I have 10 fiber bars, about 200-300 grapes, and 3 boxed meals. I'd say about 2500 calories. And no exercise. So that's about 700 calories over. I haven't had a deficit in over a week. Eat, eat, eat. The feeling that I can't stop myself. And the vertigo medicine is making me feel not sleepy, but so exhausted that I can't get out of bed. Although it takes the symptoms away completely, it makes me so tired that I stay in bed anyway. I see the specialist in 8 days so at least there's an end in sight regarding the vertigo. Or at least a checkpoint. Hope.
I thought it was the vertigo medicine that was making me feel hungry but I'd stop it for two days, enough to rid my system of it according to the balance center, and the hunger is still there.
It's as if someone said, here, we got you to 140 lbs. Now we're leaving, and you'll be left at the same point as you were before, with that hunger and inability to stop eating and dragging yourself to exercise. Have fun! It's as if someone gave me training wheels and now they're being taken off and I have to take it from here. And you know what I decided it will take from here? Courage. Because I have to believe I'm strong enough to resist the eating urges.
It's like the depression. Let me tell you a story of how I "beat" depression. From the time I was 10 to the time I was 31, 21 years. It affected every area of my life. I had to drop classes in college because of it. It affected jobs. Everything. Then one day I was behind someone important to me and they had hurt their foot. And we were walking back to our car with this group of people from working out in the river. And I told her she could lean on me and I'd help her back. She said no, of course. She was too tough for that. It was actually one of the qualities I liked most about her. So there I am, walking behind her, looking at her feet moving and double-stepping now and then through the pain. I will never forget those minutes. It's like when time stands still. And I thought to myself, that if I want someone to lean on me, they have to, at least for that specific moment in time, feel that I am stronger than them. It's just common sense, if you lean on something weaker than you, it breaks and you fall. You lean on a wall that will stand your weight. You lean on a person that can, at that moment in time, hold you up. So then I started thinking that I wanted her to feel like she could lean on me so I had to be strong enough in her eyes for that. And then I started wondering what that entailed. And all this internal dialogue took a couple of minutes at most. And it was then that I decided that I would never be depressed again. Not that I couldn't be depressed again, but that I wouldn't. (that for me is a huge difference) And it has been months and I haven't been depressed since. Those first few weeks I'd feel myself getting depressed, and I'd say out loud "No, Debbie." I'd be in the car, pop open the mirror (parked), look into my eyes, and say "No, Debbie." Out loud. I haven't had to do that lately, now I just don't get depressed. After 21 years, it was ironically that easy.
What makes something happen at a specific moment in time?
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Vertigo ... and finding your choice (11/10/2010)
Since early August (it is Wednesday 11/10/10 today) I have been suffering from vertigo. First it got me for four days, then went away, then came and went in spurts. When it came I'd stop exercising for a day or two then go back to it hard again. I kept my credo of what you can, when you can. I woke up fine, I worked out. I woke up with vertigo, I stayed home. The times I exercised with vertigo it was very hard on me. Then 8 days ago, last week Tuesday, it came and hasn't let up. I've spent the whole 8 days working or in bed. Even walking has been hard. It's like that feeling when you're about to go down a roller coaster, that queasiness just as you're going to go down, but -all- the time if you're not laying down, and sometimes even if you are, and this feeling of things just vibrating, and feeling your eyes twitterring (back to the glasses which do help but don't take it away, and I tried an Antiver-generic anti-vertigo medicine along with a water pill to get rid of sodium but neither helped), and the nausea. I'd stumble around just walking and this whole roller coaster dizzy as hell feeling I'd get whenever I'd get up. I almost tipped backwards going up the stairs. Dad much? I do wonder if this could be what happened to him. Because something I'll never know is whether he died because he fell down the stairs or whether he fell down the stairs because he died. It's been getting progressively worse. I seriously thought of taking short-term disability time away from work. I'm sure the symptoms were having a mental effect on me. I just want the vertigo to stop. I want my life back.
My previous doctor told me to eat more and exercise less. All of a sudden losing weight is being used against me. If a heavy smoker goes to the doctor with a cough, the doctor's first instinct is probably going to be lung cancer. Well, work out a lot and lose a lot of weight and everything physical that now happens to you is because you work out a lot. So now I have that bias going against me.
Underwent some blood tests and switched doctors and the theory is that it's vestibular. That there's inner ear crystals that have become dislodged and cause the inner ear fluid to go one way while the body goes the other confusing the brain. I have an appointment later today to go to the Werner balance center for assessment and treatment. Get the crystals back in placed through vestibular therapy, solved (you can Google for the details). Hopefully I can get this fixed and back on the road.
Throughout the past year I've had my physicals up and downs and whenever I have a down I know exactly what I'm missing now, and I didn't before. Right before this bout of vertigo I had my taekwondo midterm and I have a picture of me in mid-air kicking, with some respectable air. That's my body, and I am amazed it can do it. I probably haven't lost a lot of that in a week out of commission. I've been eating over what I've burned but I allowed myself that also. Know when to fight, know when to push, know when to back off for now. I don't see the point in exercising with vertigo that may be fixed in 2-3 weeks. Stay in bed, eat reasonably, get this fixed, come back. Gain a few pounds? I'll lose them. Ironically I've lost a few pounds and I'm now at 130-132 lbs, with a lowest-ever at 129.5 lbs when I fasted for Yom Kippur this year (including 24 hours of no water). I was around 135 lbs a week ago so probably the same weight with fluid fluctuations. 200 calories over burn is 1 lbs over two weeks. I can deal.
So I wasn't worried about the not working out. I caught up on my reading. And I wasn't worried about the food. I'd bounce back from anything. Hopefully I can get this fixed and come back hard. And I was trying to find whether I wanted to do triathlons and marathons and ultramarathons and find that drive inside of me and I was having trouble finding that. I went back and forth, I want to, I don't want to, I want to, I don't want to, and I couldn't make up my mind. Then this latest bout of vertigo.
And I was in the bathroom today washing my hands and I looked in the mirror and I knew. I just knew. It wasn't even a particularly long glance, just a quick glance, but I knew. Just in the same way that back in January I would look at myself in the eyes when I ran the LVAC track and would pass by the mirrors and I had this feeling that I was seeing the Debbie I was going to become and she was telling me just wait, you'll see it all in time, this time it wasn't like seeing a future Debbie, this was just like being able to see inside of myself and have a clarity and an understanding. I'm in it for the long haul. I am giving my body fully to it. I am going to push. I am going to become an endurance athlete. I know what my choice is now. The vertigo helped me realize that. I -am- scared that it will be hard to start exercising again after the rest (I have been playing video games also and watching Netflix.... the horror). I've had fears that I'd fall back into old habits and not "come back." But I know I will push and I will start exercising again and my body will slowly and gradually improve. I like that jumping kick body and never realized all this cross-training (gym classes, triathlons, marathons, martial arts) would benefit each other interchangeably. I don't want to give up that body and I want an ever better one. It's not about losing weight at all. I want the best body I can have, I want to do amazing things with it. And as this year dies down with my first triathlon and marathon, I'm thirsty for a challenge. I want the Half Ironman, fully ran marathon, and Full Ironman next year. I want to go back to Running with the Devil in June and beat it. Run it all the way. Then in 2012 do a 50 mile, then a 100 mile, keep doing Ironmans, etc. I want, and I saw it in my eyes in that mirror. I honestly didn't know whether I wanted it or not a week ago, but I found out through this experience that I do, after all.
And it keeps happening. The times when I learn the most keep being the times when things don't go my way. I know exactly what I've gained, and I like it.
My previous doctor told me to eat more and exercise less. All of a sudden losing weight is being used against me. If a heavy smoker goes to the doctor with a cough, the doctor's first instinct is probably going to be lung cancer. Well, work out a lot and lose a lot of weight and everything physical that now happens to you is because you work out a lot. So now I have that bias going against me.
Underwent some blood tests and switched doctors and the theory is that it's vestibular. That there's inner ear crystals that have become dislodged and cause the inner ear fluid to go one way while the body goes the other confusing the brain. I have an appointment later today to go to the Werner balance center for assessment and treatment. Get the crystals back in placed through vestibular therapy, solved (you can Google for the details). Hopefully I can get this fixed and back on the road.
Throughout the past year I've had my physicals up and downs and whenever I have a down I know exactly what I'm missing now, and I didn't before. Right before this bout of vertigo I had my taekwondo midterm and I have a picture of me in mid-air kicking, with some respectable air. That's my body, and I am amazed it can do it. I probably haven't lost a lot of that in a week out of commission. I've been eating over what I've burned but I allowed myself that also. Know when to fight, know when to push, know when to back off for now. I don't see the point in exercising with vertigo that may be fixed in 2-3 weeks. Stay in bed, eat reasonably, get this fixed, come back. Gain a few pounds? I'll lose them. Ironically I've lost a few pounds and I'm now at 130-132 lbs, with a lowest-ever at 129.5 lbs when I fasted for Yom Kippur this year (including 24 hours of no water). I was around 135 lbs a week ago so probably the same weight with fluid fluctuations. 200 calories over burn is 1 lbs over two weeks. I can deal.
So I wasn't worried about the not working out. I caught up on my reading. And I wasn't worried about the food. I'd bounce back from anything. Hopefully I can get this fixed and come back hard. And I was trying to find whether I wanted to do triathlons and marathons and ultramarathons and find that drive inside of me and I was having trouble finding that. I went back and forth, I want to, I don't want to, I want to, I don't want to, and I couldn't make up my mind. Then this latest bout of vertigo.
And I was in the bathroom today washing my hands and I looked in the mirror and I knew. I just knew. It wasn't even a particularly long glance, just a quick glance, but I knew. Just in the same way that back in January I would look at myself in the eyes when I ran the LVAC track and would pass by the mirrors and I had this feeling that I was seeing the Debbie I was going to become and she was telling me just wait, you'll see it all in time, this time it wasn't like seeing a future Debbie, this was just like being able to see inside of myself and have a clarity and an understanding. I'm in it for the long haul. I am giving my body fully to it. I am going to push. I am going to become an endurance athlete. I know what my choice is now. The vertigo helped me realize that. I -am- scared that it will be hard to start exercising again after the rest (I have been playing video games also and watching Netflix.... the horror). I've had fears that I'd fall back into old habits and not "come back." But I know I will push and I will start exercising again and my body will slowly and gradually improve. I like that jumping kick body and never realized all this cross-training (gym classes, triathlons, marathons, martial arts) would benefit each other interchangeably. I don't want to give up that body and I want an ever better one. It's not about losing weight at all. I want the best body I can have, I want to do amazing things with it. And as this year dies down with my first triathlon and marathon, I'm thirsty for a challenge. I want the Half Ironman, fully ran marathon, and Full Ironman next year. I want to go back to Running with the Devil in June and beat it. Run it all the way. Then in 2012 do a 50 mile, then a 100 mile, keep doing Ironmans, etc. I want, and I saw it in my eyes in that mirror. I honestly didn't know whether I wanted it or not a week ago, but I found out through this experience that I do, after all.
And it keeps happening. The times when I learn the most keep being the times when things don't go my way. I know exactly what I've gained, and I like it.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
The BodyBugg - 10/31/2010
When I joined 24 Hour Fitness they had a new member program in which if you did a certain number of things you got a BodyBugg (http://my.apexfitness.com/) for free. The BB is, in short, a device that estimates how many calories you have burned that day. It also tells you steps, estimates the amount of time you have spent in moderate to vigrous activity, and has a "trip" feature. Reset it before a class and look at the numbers after the class. It needs a web subscription program for $10 or less a month depending on how many months you pre-pay and the website allows you to track your food and has charts and graphs.
I got it and started using it in January. Around May or so I got the challenge to stop using it and measuring life, and I did. After a couple of months, it came back on.
So there's the two camps, the camp that thinks that you shouldn't measure life and the camp that thinks you should. Which is the right answer? I honestly don't think there is one. I have tried it both ways and I think both sides have merit. I think the BodyBugg can be used as a convenient tool. I like 1000 calorie deficits so I just eat 1000 less than what the BodyBugg says I burned that day (and after all this time I can now estimate how many calories I have left to burn pretty accurately and what different activities burn). Before the BodyBugg I used a Polar Heart Rate monitor to measure calories burned during exercise and the 24 Hour Fitness website to estimate calories burned throughout the day, and when I did one day comparing both, I ended up with a difference of about 25 calories using both methods. Pretty darn accurate.
I also think there's a point to enjoying life without measuring, to living in the moment. To run just to run, to swim just to swim, to exercise just for the heck of it, without worrying about how many calories you are burning. And there definitely is a point to not swap one unhealthy way of living for another.
In the meantime, mine stays on. Maybe it will be different once I'm a goal weight. I'm always of the mindset that things are not "forever," just for "right now," and something that may be "right" now may not be right in the future and vice-versa. I found that when I took the BB off I still kept tallys in my head. After 16 months I just know how many calories food has and how many calories I probably burned in a certain hour of exercise. You just become accurate at estimating. All the BB does is it actually lets me not worry about all the calculations and just gives me a number, and so does the food logging website. So for me it actually makes it simple and faster.
I think it's a great weight-losing tool and can be functionally used in a healthy weight. Once at goal weight, however, it may be time to let it go. The good thing about it? It's always there if needed.
I got it and started using it in January. Around May or so I got the challenge to stop using it and measuring life, and I did. After a couple of months, it came back on.
So there's the two camps, the camp that thinks that you shouldn't measure life and the camp that thinks you should. Which is the right answer? I honestly don't think there is one. I have tried it both ways and I think both sides have merit. I think the BodyBugg can be used as a convenient tool. I like 1000 calorie deficits so I just eat 1000 less than what the BodyBugg says I burned that day (and after all this time I can now estimate how many calories I have left to burn pretty accurately and what different activities burn). Before the BodyBugg I used a Polar Heart Rate monitor to measure calories burned during exercise and the 24 Hour Fitness website to estimate calories burned throughout the day, and when I did one day comparing both, I ended up with a difference of about 25 calories using both methods. Pretty darn accurate.
I also think there's a point to enjoying life without measuring, to living in the moment. To run just to run, to swim just to swim, to exercise just for the heck of it, without worrying about how many calories you are burning. And there definitely is a point to not swap one unhealthy way of living for another.
In the meantime, mine stays on. Maybe it will be different once I'm a goal weight. I'm always of the mindset that things are not "forever," just for "right now," and something that may be "right" now may not be right in the future and vice-versa. I found that when I took the BB off I still kept tallys in my head. After 16 months I just know how many calories food has and how many calories I probably burned in a certain hour of exercise. You just become accurate at estimating. All the BB does is it actually lets me not worry about all the calculations and just gives me a number, and so does the food logging website. So for me it actually makes it simple and faster.
I think it's a great weight-losing tool and can be functionally used in a healthy weight. Once at goal weight, however, it may be time to let it go. The good thing about it? It's always there if needed.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Dizziness and vertigo (August 2010 - Present)
During the last couple of days of July and first couple of days in August 2010 I was at Camp Do More, Chalene Johnson's camp full with workouts, fashion, and talks. I was in the middle of the loss I talked about last post and this helped a lot in healing, especially the talks. It was like every talk was directed towards me and the situation. I was also able to talk about it to my trip companion at length and just being able to talk about it helped start the healing process.
I got sick during camp and by the last day I wasn't even going to the workouts. From the hotel there I joined a 60 Days to Diamond group (long story, Beachbody related) but the important thing is that I underwent a three-day cleanse of 800 calories a day. And it was then that I learned that my body doesn't respond well to cleanses or low-calorie. I need FOOD. But it was around that time that the dizziness and vertigo started, and to this day it hasn't let up. It comes and goes, I have good days and bad days (today is a bad, no exercise day) and I've had to control food in order to still met my goals, eat enough, and not exercise some days.
I had blood tests drawn and my doctor said I was hypoglycemic (59 fasting) and told me to eat more and exercise less. A doctor actually told me to eat more and exercise less. How many times do you hear doctors say that? And say that TO ME. It's absurd, and if you had told me that 16 months ago I wouldn't have believed you.
But I didn't want to do that so I modified what I ate and have the episodes under control for the most part, and my down days are few and far apart. And the good days are GOOD. So I pretty much show up and give it my all and on days without vertigo or dizziness I'm like a kid in a candy store when I exercise because I get full use of my body. I used to say that I was lucky that my body followed me everywhere. It doesn't anymore. But I still follow my credo: Do what you can, when you can. And when I can, I enjoy the hell out of it.
I'm still undergoing tests to see what's going on. Work in progress. I've had to become my own advocate and research and go back with test codes so that the doctor can write me lab slips. This whole journey has made me a bit more assured of myself.
So on dizzy days I stay home and read or watch TV (I can't even get out of bed, I stumble standing up). And I rest and sleep. And on good days I work out 2-4 hours. I still go to group classes but I take it down instead of up. What I can, when I can.
Most of the time if I don't turn or bend over I can take a group class without much difficulty, and I found I can take spin while sick or dizzy just by holding on very tight to the handlebars to keep me on top of the bike.
I got sick during camp and by the last day I wasn't even going to the workouts. From the hotel there I joined a 60 Days to Diamond group (long story, Beachbody related) but the important thing is that I underwent a three-day cleanse of 800 calories a day. And it was then that I learned that my body doesn't respond well to cleanses or low-calorie. I need FOOD. But it was around that time that the dizziness and vertigo started, and to this day it hasn't let up. It comes and goes, I have good days and bad days (today is a bad, no exercise day) and I've had to control food in order to still met my goals, eat enough, and not exercise some days.
I had blood tests drawn and my doctor said I was hypoglycemic (59 fasting) and told me to eat more and exercise less. A doctor actually told me to eat more and exercise less. How many times do you hear doctors say that? And say that TO ME. It's absurd, and if you had told me that 16 months ago I wouldn't have believed you.
But I didn't want to do that so I modified what I ate and have the episodes under control for the most part, and my down days are few and far apart. And the good days are GOOD. So I pretty much show up and give it my all and on days without vertigo or dizziness I'm like a kid in a candy store when I exercise because I get full use of my body. I used to say that I was lucky that my body followed me everywhere. It doesn't anymore. But I still follow my credo: Do what you can, when you can. And when I can, I enjoy the hell out of it.
I'm still undergoing tests to see what's going on. Work in progress. I've had to become my own advocate and research and go back with test codes so that the doctor can write me lab slips. This whole journey has made me a bit more assured of myself.
So on dizzy days I stay home and read or watch TV (I can't even get out of bed, I stumble standing up). And I rest and sleep. And on good days I work out 2-4 hours. I still go to group classes but I take it down instead of up. What I can, when I can.
Most of the time if I don't turn or bend over I can take a group class without much difficulty, and I found I can take spin while sick or dizzy just by holding on very tight to the handlebars to keep me on top of the bike.
Losing the reason to run - and gaining it back (July-August 2010).
Something happened in July 2010. What happened is not going to the focus of this post, but rather what emerged from it. I used to run for other people. When I ran, I didn't run for me. I ran because other people thought I could run, because other people believed in me. I'd picture other people running alongside me or holding a rope pulling me forward. I was very extrinsic when it came to running. It didn't come from inside, it came from outside. But outside sources of motivation are not always available. What do you do in that situation? And that's exactly the kind of situation I found myself in on July 2010. I almost stopped running. I almost stopped doing triathlons. And I had to decide. Who, and what, was I running for? I decided I had to change. I couldn't run "for" other people anymore. I had to run for me. When it came down to the line, I had to be enough. I had to be able to go out there "alone" and make it because of me, not because of someone else. And I really changed in July and August 2010 and I switched from running extrinsically to running intrinsically, and I decided the strength and determination to run had to come from inside, not outside. Motivation and pep talks and people who believe in you are of course wonderful and always welcome, but first and foremost, you have to believe in yourself.
I suffered a loss that month (not from death, call it geographically moving away). And it was 13 months after my dad died (which, by the way, I'm probably not over it; I'm probably still in denial over that one.... nothing I can do but wait it out). So I told myself, look what happened when dad died. You transformed your life. Not on purpose, but it happened. You took this huge loss and turned it into the most wonderful thing you ever did for yourself. So how can you take this current situation and make it into something good? It was at that point that I started embracing mistakes because they just showed me what not to do next time. I was always one of those people paralyzed by the fear of making mistakes. But I've found that you can learn more when things DON'T go your way.
So those were two major shifts I underwent in late July early August, and they have shaped who I'm becoming tremendously. And it's all part of the journey. I don't know where it leads, but I know I'm enjoying the hell out of the ride. And now I'm starting to understand motivation. Why get out there in 100+ degree weather and attempt to run 50 miles? Because it's hard and overcoming it builds character and it makes you fight against all your fears and insecurities. In essence, every obstacle you overcome makes you a better person.
I suffered a loss that month (not from death, call it geographically moving away). And it was 13 months after my dad died (which, by the way, I'm probably not over it; I'm probably still in denial over that one.... nothing I can do but wait it out). So I told myself, look what happened when dad died. You transformed your life. Not on purpose, but it happened. You took this huge loss and turned it into the most wonderful thing you ever did for yourself. So how can you take this current situation and make it into something good? It was at that point that I started embracing mistakes because they just showed me what not to do next time. I was always one of those people paralyzed by the fear of making mistakes. But I've found that you can learn more when things DON'T go your way.
So those were two major shifts I underwent in late July early August, and they have shaped who I'm becoming tremendously. And it's all part of the journey. I don't know where it leads, but I know I'm enjoying the hell out of the ride. And now I'm starting to understand motivation. Why get out there in 100+ degree weather and attempt to run 50 miles? Because it's hard and overcoming it builds character and it makes you fight against all your fears and insecurities. In essence, every obstacle you overcome makes you a better person.
The Aftermath From The Marathon (6/26/10-October 2010).
I finished the marathon, got in the car, and drove home. It was time to go to work. I had taken Friday night off in order to sleep for the marathon but I hadn't taken Saturday night off. I was hoping to finish with enough time to sleep a few hours. I finished in 9 hours and 15 minutes, or at 7:15pm or so. I work at 9:15p. It takes about an hour to get home and 15 minutes to get to work. I got home, and I knew I wasn't going to go to work that day. In retrospect, I have no idea how I thought I could do my first marathon and then go to work. Looking back, it's laughable. Live and learn.
By the time I got home I started to hurt. I think what really messed up my recovery was the sunburn. I had the sunburn from hell (from running Running with the Devil without sunscreen). There are so many things I could have done without the sunburn: Touch my skin, massage, go into the jacuzzi, stretch, etc. I couldn't touch my body. It was a sunburn so bad I was shaking uncontrollably. There were blisters and peeling galore and I think it took two weeks to subside. The sunburn along with the aches and pain made it painful to walk, sit, lay, anything, really. I could only lay on one side, not on my back. I could not make contact with my calves, it hurt too much. It took me 10-20 minutes to make it up the stairs and lay in bed, and then I called in sick. Then I had to go to the bathroom. Because of the sunburn it was an ordeal to get into and out of bed. I strongly considered wetting the bed. I could always change the sheets. It took me 10 minutes to work up the courage to go to the bathroom. I couldn't sit properly on the toilet because of the sunburn. By now my legs were starting to really hurt because of the run and it hurt to stand up, sit down, walk. I hobbled, and poorly at that. I was a mess. I was not expecting that. It was then that I realized I had finally met my match. And I had finally done it. I had finally broken myself.
I somehow went to sleep that night, Saturday night. And Sunday I stayed home all day in bed on one side only trying to move as little as possible trying to let the body heal. I did go to work Sunday night. I don't know how I managed to wear pants. I almost didn't, work dress code be damned. Monday I got the bright idea of taking an aqua class. Because of the sunburn, the jacuzzi was out of the question. And I don't know why I got the idea in my head of taking an aqua class, I just did. And I got in the pool. Suzi was teaching, my first class with Suzi. When I got out an hour later, my hobbling started resembling a walk. I was almost walking normally. It healed me tremendously. Next marathon I'm getting into a pool as soon as possible after the event. It was the most wonderful thing ever. I credit Suzi and her aqua class in getting me to walk normally again. Tuesday, another aqua class. Getting better and better, able to sit and stand better. Wednesday, spin. It hurt at the beginning but it was like getting creaky gears turning again, the more they turned, the better they turned. It was literally rehabbing myself, like my body needed to learn how to move again, like it forgot how to move.
And I experienced the most curious thing ever. I couldn't run. I would think, ok, Debbie, RUN!! And I would inch forward and .... nothing. I think I wasn't able to run until Thursday and it was only a mild trot for a few paces. I thought that was the coolest thing ever. I lost the ability to run. It was like my body was scared of running, like it thought that if it ran for me again I would put it through another marathon. If you ever watched Speed Racer (the cartoons), there's an episode where SR crashes and gets scared of racing and Pops straps him to a chair making him watch a racing simulator while SR sweats. That's how it was. Especially with cycle, I think cycle got me running again because it taught my body how to get used to that sense of speed again. It was really like I knew what steps to follow to rehab myself, as everything I did helped inch me along to recovery.
There is one thing that I didn't get back for a long time, and that was the mile in boot camp. In a sense I never got it back. I've written how I started running that mile in the back of the pack and I even got there first on occasion, but mostly towards the front. After the marathon, I was next to last every single time or last. I lost my mile. And I quit boot camp before getting it back. It wasn't until October 26th 2010 that I finally regained the pre-marathon pace of 5.7 MPH (previous had been 5.56 MPH) for an hour. It took me exactly 4 months to come back from the marathon. They say it takes a week to recover for every mile ran in your first marathon. I ran 14 and walked 12.2 and it took me 17 weeks to recover. Sounds about right. And right after that run I regained the ability to blog. Something happened inside that took four months to heal. I definitely bit more than I could chew.
It was right around this time that I really got hooked into marathons and triathlons (even broken as I was) and I wanted to do endurance events = 26+ miles. 50, 100, 250, etc. And I started adding a run before boot camp. But I found that my body couldn't take the high impact of boot camp after the run, or maybe I hadn't healed properly yet. But I suffered. I hobbled. I hurt. And my last day of boot camp I was going DOWN towers barely able to move in a down incline and I just stopped and cried. I couldn't do that to myself any longer. I had to choose, triathlons or boot camp. Triathlons won. And so I quit book camp four short months after I started.
It is now October 30th, 2010, and I'm battling a flu, but I'm reading The Long Run by Matthew Long. It's very inspiring. I WILL do a Half Iron in 2011 and a Full Iron in 2012 or sooner. And one day I will run a full marathon. I have two Halfs coming up, at Valley of Fire on 11/20/10 (why do I always pick sites with hot imagery to them?) and the Las Vegas Rock n Roll on 12/05/10. Then let 2011 begin.
By the time I got home I started to hurt. I think what really messed up my recovery was the sunburn. I had the sunburn from hell (from running Running with the Devil without sunscreen). There are so many things I could have done without the sunburn: Touch my skin, massage, go into the jacuzzi, stretch, etc. I couldn't touch my body. It was a sunburn so bad I was shaking uncontrollably. There were blisters and peeling galore and I think it took two weeks to subside. The sunburn along with the aches and pain made it painful to walk, sit, lay, anything, really. I could only lay on one side, not on my back. I could not make contact with my calves, it hurt too much. It took me 10-20 minutes to make it up the stairs and lay in bed, and then I called in sick. Then I had to go to the bathroom. Because of the sunburn it was an ordeal to get into and out of bed. I strongly considered wetting the bed. I could always change the sheets. It took me 10 minutes to work up the courage to go to the bathroom. I couldn't sit properly on the toilet because of the sunburn. By now my legs were starting to really hurt because of the run and it hurt to stand up, sit down, walk. I hobbled, and poorly at that. I was a mess. I was not expecting that. It was then that I realized I had finally met my match. And I had finally done it. I had finally broken myself.
I somehow went to sleep that night, Saturday night. And Sunday I stayed home all day in bed on one side only trying to move as little as possible trying to let the body heal. I did go to work Sunday night. I don't know how I managed to wear pants. I almost didn't, work dress code be damned. Monday I got the bright idea of taking an aqua class. Because of the sunburn, the jacuzzi was out of the question. And I don't know why I got the idea in my head of taking an aqua class, I just did. And I got in the pool. Suzi was teaching, my first class with Suzi. When I got out an hour later, my hobbling started resembling a walk. I was almost walking normally. It healed me tremendously. Next marathon I'm getting into a pool as soon as possible after the event. It was the most wonderful thing ever. I credit Suzi and her aqua class in getting me to walk normally again. Tuesday, another aqua class. Getting better and better, able to sit and stand better. Wednesday, spin. It hurt at the beginning but it was like getting creaky gears turning again, the more they turned, the better they turned. It was literally rehabbing myself, like my body needed to learn how to move again, like it forgot how to move.
And I experienced the most curious thing ever. I couldn't run. I would think, ok, Debbie, RUN!! And I would inch forward and .... nothing. I think I wasn't able to run until Thursday and it was only a mild trot for a few paces. I thought that was the coolest thing ever. I lost the ability to run. It was like my body was scared of running, like it thought that if it ran for me again I would put it through another marathon. If you ever watched Speed Racer (the cartoons), there's an episode where SR crashes and gets scared of racing and Pops straps him to a chair making him watch a racing simulator while SR sweats. That's how it was. Especially with cycle, I think cycle got me running again because it taught my body how to get used to that sense of speed again. It was really like I knew what steps to follow to rehab myself, as everything I did helped inch me along to recovery.
There is one thing that I didn't get back for a long time, and that was the mile in boot camp. In a sense I never got it back. I've written how I started running that mile in the back of the pack and I even got there first on occasion, but mostly towards the front. After the marathon, I was next to last every single time or last. I lost my mile. And I quit boot camp before getting it back. It wasn't until October 26th 2010 that I finally regained the pre-marathon pace of 5.7 MPH (previous had been 5.56 MPH) for an hour. It took me exactly 4 months to come back from the marathon. They say it takes a week to recover for every mile ran in your first marathon. I ran 14 and walked 12.2 and it took me 17 weeks to recover. Sounds about right. And right after that run I regained the ability to blog. Something happened inside that took four months to heal. I definitely bit more than I could chew.
It was right around this time that I really got hooked into marathons and triathlons (even broken as I was) and I wanted to do endurance events = 26+ miles. 50, 100, 250, etc. And I started adding a run before boot camp. But I found that my body couldn't take the high impact of boot camp after the run, or maybe I hadn't healed properly yet. But I suffered. I hobbled. I hurt. And my last day of boot camp I was going DOWN towers barely able to move in a down incline and I just stopped and cried. I couldn't do that to myself any longer. I had to choose, triathlons or boot camp. Triathlons won. And so I quit book camp four short months after I started.
It is now October 30th, 2010, and I'm battling a flu, but I'm reading The Long Run by Matthew Long. It's very inspiring. I WILL do a Half Iron in 2011 and a Full Iron in 2012 or sooner. And one day I will run a full marathon. I have two Halfs coming up, at Valley of Fire on 11/20/10 (why do I always pick sites with hot imagery to them?) and the Las Vegas Rock n Roll on 12/05/10. Then let 2011 begin.
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