Motivation

Well, here we are.  Last time I blogged regularly was right before the 6/26/10 marathon and today is the 19th of September, so almost three months.  A LOT of write about.  I'm switching it over to topics while I catch up and once I do I'll decide where I'll keep with topics or dates.

This post will start up with a bit on motivation and then go into THE MARATHON, which was on 6/26/10.

Motivation.  What drives me?  I realized that I have a few qualities that have helped me to lose weight (yesterday night reached 129.5 lbs.  85.5 lost in 63 weeks (1.357 average pounds per week) and 100.5 lbs down from heaviest weight)).  I had been feeling a bit down and wrote these three messages to someone on Facebook about it, and I think they sum it up well, so instead of repeating myself I'll just cut and paste.  I think this also encapsulates very well the state of mind I have been in for the last couple of months.

Well, I did have one person tell me at work to stop talking about working out and eating right because "everyone" was sick and tired of listening to it and that no one that would tell me the truth would tell me that I look healthy. Another person told me not to take three classes in a row but that I was going to do what I wanted anyway and what do they know they're just an instructor and to enjoy my workout. I don't feel very changey. Nowadays I'm just glad if I go through a day without pissing anyone off lol

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And that's the thing... I didn't even go out to change myself it just kind of happened. I don't know if you know how it all got started. On 6/2/09 at night I talked to my dad and six hours later we got a call that he slipped down the stairs at home, hit his head, and died (he lived in another country). Went to bury him and came back on 7/2 at 11:00p. On 7/3/09 I stepped into a 24 Hour Fitness and the rest is history. But it wasn't really a choice like "Oh I have to make his death count for something" or anything like that. It wasn't something I CHOSE to do, it was something I DID. I don't even know why. I don't even know what drives me.

And I think people don't realize what an adjustment this is for someone going through it. I mean one day you wake up and you're looking at a stranger in the mirror. I hated my face when it started thinning out (but I'm getting used to it). And you pretty much lose your fat self and you have to pretty much let go of who you were and become somebody else whether you want to or not on some level. That was the hardest part, saying goodbye to whom I call Fat Debbie. I miss her sometimes. I'll go into a room of people and I'll feel more comfortable around fat people. Like if you are Hispanic and go into a room with a bunch of people of different ethnicities, you'll feel a sense of belonging with people who also share that with you. Because there's a part of me deep down that will ALWAYS be Fat Debbie. Maybe it's different for people who have been thin before but I had never been thin my whole life, always overweight or obese, mostly obese.

And what's funny is that I had to start thinking of myself as having a physical side and I never had that before.

I don't know how you're supposed to lose weight or what you're supposed to do or act or say. Never done it to this scale before. And according to other people I do it wrong half the time lol I'm just trying to hang on for dear life as I barrel down a highway at lightning speed, so to speak. I think I'm a pretty open and accepting person and I don't need people to agree with what I do but it just seems like if I don't agree with someone else I'm doing it wrong. I DID decide (or not even decided but just did) from early on that I wasn't going to listen to anybody but do this my own way. I had to do this the way it worked for me and not anybody else. No rest days. Seven classes in one day. I give 110%. Some days that is seven classes, some days that means laying in bed resting. My 110% changes but not the 110%. But I had to do this my way. And that just seems to rub people the wrong way.

I wrote negatively (in a way) about BodyPump (that a group class can by design never be as effective for a specific individual than a workout routine especially designed for that individual) and pissed another instructor off.

So nowadays I'm feeling that no matter what I do I'm doing it all wrong lol :(

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And on top of everything else I developed vertigo six weeks ago. So I went from 21 classes a week to having difficulty getting out of bed in a short period of time. But I mentioned the vertigo to an instructor and she wrote back how she also suffered from vertigo and I realized I was having a pity party. If she could teach with vertigo I could take a class with vertigo. This was Wednesday. And I noticed how I wrote that I was waiting for things to go back to "normal." So I decided that instead of waiting for the vertigo to go away to go back to normal I just had to adjust to what normal is for me and make vertigo my new normal. Had an awesome three classes in a row today, dizziness and all =) [Friday]  I'll just be the one that has vertigo and takes classes (undergoing tests at the doctor now to try to figure out what is causing it... should have blood tests back Monday. Heart and sugar fine. Next up is an ears/nose/throat doctor and so on down the line).

I use calories burned during workouts to gauge what shape my body is in. I can tell you if I'm sick by how many calories I burned in a class. I got up to 550 (only three times) but I hit 500 regularly. Then the vertigo hit. And I went down to 430 and even 392 in one class. That one hit me hard. That's the instructor I wrote to. Now from one day to the next I'm up to 497. Not 500 but pretty darn close. I feel like I'm pretty much "back" after weeks of being off =) But I decided the vertigo is not going to stop me so I adjust when I need to (I'll do extra jumping jacks instead of lounging to the floor). I find I do well if I stay "up" i.e. not bending below the waist. Slowly I'll learn how to go down also while not getting too dizzy or dealing with it. I'm teaching myself how to move with vertigo, i.e. being very light on my feet so that I can adjust my stance if I start swaying.

And I think something people don't realize is that the stubborness, hard-headedness, and refusal to listen and follow the status quo IS the reason I am where I am. That's what makes me me. The OCD about calories and workout schedules and calories burned IS what allowed me to get here. Everything that people say is wrong is precisely what allowed this to happen to me.

When [somebody who I will talk about in a future post, although don't hold your breath for names or identifying information, and no, we're not talking a romantic relationship, we're talking person-that-forever-changed-my-life relationship] "dumped" me I made a choice. I told myself that look at what came out of my dad dying without me even deciding on it. If all this could come out of that, how could I use her dumping me in order to become better? Every time there's a setback in my life now I try to come out of it better. And I used to exercise FOR other people (i.e. I ran because she believed in me) but I decided from now on I didn't run for anybody else. I ran for me. The inner strength couldn't come from other people anymore, it had to come from me. I got to that point from a huge loss in my life and I got to this point through another huge loss. I used to tell people I was lucky to have her in my life and meant it, and all of I sudden I didn't have her anymore. So I've had to deal with three huge losses this past year: My dad, Fat Debbie, and her.

I don't think I know how to give up any longer. Something always happens that keeps the spark alive. I am just beginning :)

So, let's talk about motivation.  I think I can pinpoint three specific instances when a specific person made a huge difference in me continuing the journey.  The first was my first week of taking group classes at 24 Hour Fitness back in the first week of September 2009.  I had just come from my third set of measurements by a trainer (I had four free sessions).  All my measurements went down from the first to the second set but they went back UP from the second to the third set, most to first-set levels.  I had been working out for two months.  I was crushed.  And I told an instructor about it.  This must have been my second class with her.  And it wasn't what she said or what she did, it was just the way she made me feel.  Like it was going to be ok.  That's why even though I don't call her that to other people, she's my favorite instructor.  Because she was there at the beginning when I was down and propped me back up.  Who knows if I would have kept up with it if it wasn't for her.

The second is another instructor.  She gave me inner strength and belief in myself.  I guess this is as good a time as any to write HOW I "beat" the depression I had for 21 years, from 10 to 31 years of age.  We were going up a mountain and she had hurt her foot and I wanted her to lean on me for support but she's tough as nails and declined (can't blame her there, I'd probably have declined also).  So I was there walking behind her.  I will always remember that moment.  I thought of myself, why should she lean on me?  If I want her to be able to lean on me I have to be stronger than her.  I have to be worthy of having her lean on me, so to speak.  I have to be stronger than her (at moments) for her to lean on me because you wouldn't lean on someone weaker than you (at the moment) because then you'd both just fall to the ground.  So, walking there behind her looking at her heels striking the ground, I made a decision.  I could never be depressed again.  I had to be strong.  I wanted her to lean on me so I had to be stronger than her.  And I haven't been depressed since.  It's not that I won't be depressed any more, it's that I can't be depressed anymore.  And I think there's a huge difference in that.  She gave me that, and believing in myself, and trusting myself, and never giving up.

The third instructor has been there since pretty much the beginning of the group classes (October as opposed to September 2009).  When I started running on January 2010 I couldn't run 30 seconds.  I started running at the LVAC indoor track.  Out of all the instructors she was the one I chose, for some reason, to "accompany"  me in my runs.  Maybe it was because she always said "you can do anything twice."  There are four lap clocks in the track attached to the ceiling, in the middle of each stretch.  It would take me about 30 seconds to get from clock to clock, and about two minutes for the whole track, and it's 5.5 times per mile, so I guess I was doing an 11-minute mile, which doesn't sound terribly bad when you think about it.  And it was because of her that I hung on many times and I was able to run 30 seconds, then one minute, then two minutes.  Her and the person above got me running.

Monday, June 21st, 2010, through Sunday, July 4th, 2010 (Yep, 2-weeker, but a bit of stuff)

Well, I'm writing this on Tuesday the 29th and have quite a bit of stuff to catch up on.  Lots of thoughts and feelings to write about.  So I'm just going to take it one thing at a time.

I'll start with Father's Day (the 20th) since I didn't write about it there.  Father's Day was really hard, and I was not expecting that.  I would have thought the anniversary of his death would have been worse, but nope, it was freaking Father's Day.  I think that's going to be my hard day of the year.  And I had already gone through one fatherless Father's Day but I guess I was in too much of a shock since it had only been 22 days since he passed away the first go-around.  And Facebook was full of people wishing each other Happy Father's Day and it just got to be too much and for the first time that I can remember I sought out exercise to make me feel better.  I left the house and I went to the gym.  Took Melina for the first time.  First instructor in months that gave me 600+ calories (601).  I used to do 600's when I was heavier but not for a while.  Most give me 430-470, Kathy gives me high 500's consistently, but Melina gave me 601.  Got a nice Zumba buzz and it was the best way to beat the Father's Day blues.  That day was a complete surprise to me, though.  I am in no way over the grieving process, it turns out.

The depression has been gone since 5/22/10.  Nowadays I don't even have to fight it off, it doesn't come.  Never say never but I will never be depressed again, I will fight it off, but haven't had to fight it off for a couple of weeks.

And this will close this off.  On to the next week, where I discuss the marathon, even though it happened on 6/26.

Monday, June 14th, 2010, through Sunday, June 20th, 2010 (Father's Day).

Saturday Night:  I've been working a lot on the book and hence been neglecting the blog.  The book will come first but I will work on the blog also.  I just passed 10K words after 25 days, 401 words a day, target of 277.  In less than nine months I could have a book.  It's kind of like having a child in a way.

Haven't slept well this week so boot camp has been uneven and haven't really had a GOOD day.  Friday went to the crapper when we hiked instead of running and I got lost at the end.  But I went up a hill, found the nearest set of buildings, and started walking there.  Got to the area where we run to the hill, get a rock, and bring it back in teams (later called "the wash" by Eyes) and I had spotted the highway when they found me in the Hummer.  I didn't have any water with me so I wasn't running.  I would have made it all the way back to the park.

I tried to do a 24.59 or better 5K today but failed and did 28.5X, less than a minute and a half more from my personal best.  And I realized something.

I've lost that killer instinct.  Like I really wanted that 25 5K but I knew I wasn't going to do it yesterday, I just knew, the same way I new I was going to do a sub-30 5K the previous time.  And I was happy just showing up, moving, running, living.  I've lost that cutthroat instinct.  I'll still try, but I'm happy just showing up.  And I don't necessarily think it's a bad change.  I feel I've changed inside and that hunger is gone and there's just a peace and complacency and happiness.  And we're talking less than 4 minutes difference from what I wanted and from what I got.

But somehow I feel REALLY good about the marathon next Saturday.  Just as I felt I wasn't going to do the 25 5K, I feel that I will do the marathon without stopping/walking.  And if I had to choose between the two I'd rather do the marathon.  I guess I feel good enough that I can just show up and consistently do under-30 5Ks.  And you may do everything right - rest, food, etc., and still have a sucky day (but I only slept 2 hours or so yesterday, might think about melatonin, I have trouble falling asleep).

Until I started going to bc I wouldn't initiate hugs. And the reason for that would be two-fold. First, who was I to think that I was worth enough to be the one starting it and second who would ever want to hug me? Call center job, living at home with mom, no husband or kids, in debt... up to 7/3/09 my life was a failure. I was a failure. I have called my reflection in the mirror a loser.

I always felt I had to keep doing stuff for people because I saw what they brought into the relationship but who could possibly want me just for me. My whole life has been about waiting until I do something wrong and mess up the relationship. Because it always happens, people leave. I wondered sometimes if I myself would be my friend, and half the time I wasn't sure.

For the first time in my life I am really developing a sense of self-worth. Takes times but big changes take time. Today, just feeling I'm good at something, anything, is good enough me.

I've been thinking about feeling confident enough in yourself without developing an ego.  I really feel a change happening inside and I really think I like who I am becoming.  I don't think I have much of a say as to what my core substance is but luckily it seems to be something I can live it and even embrace.  I'm developing a sense of peace as opposed to this frenzied pace all the time, but still being able to compete.  Show up, compete, try to win or get a personal best, but be happy just showing up and be happy without having to compete all the time.  I don't need a number to feel good about myself.

I did reach a new low weight, 138.5 lbs.

More on all of this later but at least I felt I'm caught up on the blog.  Some weeks will have more general thoughts like this one as opposed to structured.  I AM back to wearing the BodyBugg, more on that later just because I have to get ready for work.

Monday, June 7th, 2010, through Sunday, June 14th, 2010.

MONDAY AFTERNOON:  This morning in boot camp I didn't have it.  Last week caught up with me.  But now when I don't have it I'm middle of the pack whereas before when I didn't have it I was last.  So my worst is now average.  Progress.  And the heat.  This was the first day that it was really hot (108 degrees Fahrenheit).  I haven't really exercised in the heat (and that's why I did worse on Sunday than on Tuesday at Flag Mountain, that and all the exercise I did in-between).  So I'm not used to exercising in the heat.  My body will adjust and I will up the water.  But when you exercise in the heat for months and then it cools down, your fitness has gotten so much better, you're leaps and bounds improved, so exercising in the heat actually helps your fitness even more.  It'll just take time.  So sucky boot camp.  I hate boot camps like these because I can't perform to my level, and it brings me down.  That's ok, as long as I have boot camps like last Friday now and the, I can stand a few like today.  I just show up and give what I got that day.

Then I locked my keys in the trunk and had to wait an hour in the heat for the locksmith.  The good part about starting the week this sucky is that, while it's true it all can go to hell in a handbasket, odds are in my favor that the week will get better.  Can't wait!!

I want to talk about your body being "free."  When you run there's a point when you stop running and you start flying, where your body feels light as a feather.  I've reached that point a couple of times and I'm looking to start making it happen more often.  You have to really be aware of your body, in the sense of where your left arm begins and ends, where your right leg begins and ends, your feet touching the ground, the resistance of the air..... and then realizing all of that really doesn't pull you back as much as you think and just gunning it.  Working on that.

Debbie all caught up and out.

THURSDAY AFTERNOON:  Well, Tuesday sucked a little bit also.  We had to climb up this hill during class as a mini-impromptu hike during boot camp and I apparently put my hand on a cactus and got all these little fine thorns in my left hand all over my fingers (I have finger-less gloves), and had to come down a steep rocky mountain without being able to use my hands much, and when I hike I use my hands and arms extensively, so that part kind of sucked.  Went on my behind sliding down (on purpose) a bit, I just wanted to get off that hill.  Did the rest of that class with the thorns, as it was mostly running.  Got them all out with tweezers when I got home.

Then that night when I was driving to work, I was going in a straight line, and a car going in the opposite direction turns right in front to me to his left, my right, to go into a side street, and I had to brake hard to avoid hitting him (or her).  Went a little to the left and almost went into a tailspin.

Wednesday, though, went by without incident.  Got to take Kathy's Zumba, my favorite Zumba.

My sucky days are getting better so that they're decent physical-wise.  My run today was 8:24, wasn't trying for time as I didn't know it was timed, fastest 7:49, so my regular time is getting to be pretty fast.  Two more Zumbas today and an hour of weightlifting at the gym.

Yesterday I decided to wear the BodyBugg again, and I'm wearing it today and going back to calorie-counting with a 1,000 deficit.  With two hours of exercise a day I can eat a decent 1600 calories a day while keeping a 1000 deficit.  Started at exactly 145, 70 lbs down.  I'm doing one hour of lifting a day in order to be able to have a caloric deficit while saving muscle and maybe even building it.  One hour a day of lifting and lots of protein should do the trick.  Plus the two hours of exercise.  Boot camp plus running/biking/Zumba/TurboKick, and swimming as something extra 2-4 times a week just to train for triathlons.

Don't know if I mentioned this but I will be doing a marathon on the 26th.  No half, just going from 10K to the full.  Less than a year from when I started working out and less than six months from when I couldn't run half a second.

And that closes out the week so far.  Debbie out.

Writing this on 6/19/10 (Saturday of "next week"):  Friday was one of the best boot camp days I've had.  We went running for a whole hour and ran 5.5X miles, almost a 10K, in that hour.  I was able to keep up with Eyes the whole time and it was awesome.  I really enjoy the feeling of running next to somebody, it is the greatest feeling in the world, just out there running.  Running has to be one of my most favorite things to do in the world.

Sunday I went to hike Turtlehead Peak with Sam.  We went bouldering in the beginning a bit and then he sped off and since I had never gone that route I ended up going up and down the hardest route possible (not on purpose) and it took me 10.5 hours instead of under 5.  But I made it.  With the water and food I had, the CamelBak plus my running water bottle and a handful of protein bars.  It was the first time I almost turned around on the way up but I gauged I had enough water and I did, I had just a bit left when I got back to the car.  It wasn't until I was 50 feet or so from the car that I felt like I was going to pass out.  So it was a miserable day but I went rock climbing a lot and I learned what my current hiking limit is.  I also defaced the mountain three times.  Those protein bars were not agreeing with me.  And I looked for the Geocache but I didn't find it.  I'll have to go again.  At one point I was going down and got stuck climbing down a rock called for help no one answered, got myself down.

And that closes this week.  Debbie out.

Monday, May 31st, 2010, through Sunday, June 6th, 2010.

MONDAY AFTERNOON: I got really into GeoCaching last week and found my first, stuck beneath a doggie tin (where you deposit doggie waste) in front of the house. Looked for another one today without luck. It's an addictive hobby, it's hard, it's active, it's fun, and after the initial $40 investment for the software and $30 a year for the website, it's free. There's one on top of Turtlehead, Peak, will re-sign that one and take a picture on Thursday.




I was looking into the mirror and it's getting harder and harder to reconcile that person with "Old Debbie." It's not that I don't know who I am, it's that there's so many internal and external changes that happened pretty much in 11 months so far that you look at yourself and you are almost looking into a stranger. You change and you hope you still like yourself at the other end. There's a strength that's developing in me, and I'm not used to seeing that strength. I'm not someone who can be pushed around anymore, and that scares me a little.




Take Miriam. Elementary school teacher I just found on Facebook. Part of me wants to ask her Why. Why didn't you stand up for me. She wasn't like Gladys, who actually PICKED on me, nevermind not defended me. I have good memories of Miriam, like she was a kind teacher. But the rest of my life at that point still sucked. And part of me wants to ask, Didn't you see anything? What if I was in front of Gladys, all 140-lbs 32-year-old me? What if I had a chance to ask why? Do I even want to? Is it a truer test of strength if you can walk away from your past and just keep on with the present?




There's two camps. One, like Freud, says that you have to "fix" your past to move on, that you have to come to a resolution with it. The other says to just leave the past behind and just move on. I waver back and forth, I've never been able to make a firm decision either way on which way is the better way or the "right" way.





It's a weird feeling, the feeling of being strong. I haven't entirely warmed up to it yet. You look into your eyes in the mirror and you see someone you can't push around. And I'm not used to that looking back and me and it doesn't feel familiar. See, and the thing of it all is, that I picture myself being face to face with someone who actually picked on me in the past, and I really hope if that moment comes that I just turn around and walk away. Not because I'm weak, but because I'm strong. I really don't want to become a bitter person and I certainly don't want "revenge." People do the best they can. If someone picked on me, that was filling a need they had.




When you are a child adults are supposed to stand up for you. And no one did for me, and I wasn't able to do it for myself because of how young I was. But then you reach an age where you naturally start standing up for yourself but by that time, you're so beaten up you pretty much give up on fighting back and let life happen to you. No one really teaches you to stand up for yourself, so you never really learn.




Then you start working out, and find out that you actually CAN do something. And other people give you the feeling that they believe in you, and you are successful at one thing, then another, then another, and you slowly start believing in yourself. And then you meet someone else who seems to accept you for who you are, and that would have been helpful all alone, but it's even more helpful now, because you're not ever sure who you are anymore. You are rediscovering yourself. Well, not really rediscovering. You are getting to know yourself, period. And you find yourself in an environment where you don't have to be second-guessing yourself all the time and you are safe to probe around and figure out who you are and act that way. You find yourself being "safe" in more and more places.




And it's a combination of that, confidence and safety, that creates strength.




TUESDAY EARLY MORNING: So we're doing flag mountain tomorrow. And for the first time ever, I'm scared of boot camp. I had some butterflies that first day, but this is cold clammy fear. It's a steep hill and first we have to go up but worse we ave to go down. And I'm scared to death. Of course I'm going to show up tomorrow, skipping it would never enter my mind, but I'm terrified. I've dubbed it Flag Mountain, because we're taking a piece of cloth stuck to a pole, putting our names on it, and planting it on top. I mean, how significant, right, I can have my name up there and conquer the mountain. They should wait until I get back down to plant it.




I've been to Flag Mountain once before, I found. It was that time we dragged tired up a mountain. On the way down it was so steep, I went down on my butt. And we only went up part of the mountain, the easy part.




So yeah, scared. It's a weird feeling to be scared of boot camp. I'm not even scared of jumping off a cliff into the rocks below for Jagged Edge, which we're doing in late July. I'm not scared to jump off a cliff but I am scared of going up and down a mountain. Go figure.




What needs to happen is that I need to slip and fall, which I haven't done yet, so that I can see there's no big deal to it. I think the fear is psychological and stems from my dad pulling me down mountains when I was little.




TUESDAY AFTERNOON: So I posted on FaceBook how I was scared of Flag Mountain and Eyes challenged me to do it half an hour up and half an hour down, and that was it. She said the C word. There's something about someone challenging me to something that turns me on fire. So I get to Mission Hills, sign the flag, and I was very nervous. And when I get nervous I ramble. And we were starting the hike and I kept looking at the floor, I was so nervous. And I started slow and as I progressed I got faster and faster. And then I saw them, at the top of the hill. And something happened. And I ran. I ran through rocks going up and a mountain top towards them. I mean actual running, through a rocky terrain up a narrow trail at the top of a mountain. And up mini-hills, and down mini-hills, and scrambling up rocks, and just running. And I was free. And I was figuratively and literally on top of the world. And the switch turned and I was completely free. And I got there. Not in the half an hour and not in the half an hour down, but I made great time compared to me and I lost the fear of rocky inclines. It's gone.




Going down was quite the experience. I went down every which way. Bearcrawling backwards most of the way because I wanted to go down FAST, and that was the fastest way, on all four backwards just sliding down the mountain fast. And I went forwards standing up, and sideways. It was the most awesomest thing ever. And, for me, I went down that mountain FAST.




It's one of those things that you know will change your life but you're so wiped out from the experience you don't have the energy to figure out HOW it will change your life.




We hadn't had enough adventures for the day so we went GeoCaching and found two. I went down in reverse through The Loop - down the rocky hill instead of up, the first half of The Loop. By now I had these huge calluses in my feet because hiking shoes are not for running. So it was slow going down. But next time we do The Loop, I am throwing myself at it. Next time we do ANY kind of hill, that hill is mine. I was going down that mountain, and it was mine. And that's an awesome feeling. So the going down The Loop was slower because my feet were just killing me by then, and I tried to ignore the pain as best I could. I want that hill when I'm good and rested, I'll show it who's boss. I've learned to BOTH go up and down hills. I can move quickly (or quicker) through them now.




There's two things that REALLY helped. First, HIKING SHOES. They DO make a difference. Who knew HIKING SHOES would be so awesome for HIKING. Like NIGHT and DAY. THAT amazing. Caps amazing. I am never hiking without hiking shoes again, going to keep them in the trunk of my car along with the weight vest and a mat. Anytime, anything, anywhere. And the second thing was the CamelBack, those water backpacks. Allowed me not to carry my water bottle and I used my hands A LOT. Gloves helped as usual. It would have hurt without gloves. I got enough scratches left even WITH the gloves.




So we did the reverse of the first half of The Loop and a total of about 2.5 Towers hills, and we found two GeoCaches, my #2 and #3, and I am now totally and completely addicted to them. Dru found the first one and me the second one.




It was a good day. Debbie Out. Tomorrow I'll write more about looking into a stranger's eyes. As a starting point, mom told me yesterday "They changed my daughter." She can sense it, just like I can. SOMEthing changed, what that something is, it's too early to tell. Debbie Out for real now.




SATURDAY MORNING: Wednesday was uneventful. Thursday I went to Turtlehead Peak in remembrance of dad's first Dad's Death Day Anniversary. I wanted to go by myself first to be able to grieve in peace and second because I needed to get over the fear of getting lost and being alone in the mountains (and was able to do both). I think I'm ready to move on with my life (not that I didn't before, but I found a kind of peace now that I'm over the first year of him dying.... if I'm not looking straight into his picture, I'm OK. If I look into his face I get a little choked up, not ready for that yet).




Once I get to the top, I think I found the GeoCache. Books and goodies inside. It isn't until I GET HOME that I read a post that that box is not a GeoCache, the GeoCache is hidden under a tree and not out in the open. Who the hell leaves a fake GeoCache 50 feet away from the real one 2.5 MILES UP IN A FREAKING MOUNTAIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE?!?! But I'm not bitter.




I'm going back next week Sunday and finding the real one and putting stickers all over THIS box saying THIS IS NOT THE REAL GEOCACHE. Watch me.







So I'm sitting up there all alone and signing the fake GeoCache book and someone comes up and asks what's that a log book? And I say yes it's a GeoCache. And she says A GEOCACHE really?!?! And I get all excited and say YES!! Are you into GeoCaching?!?! And she says no, but my friend is into it BIG TIME!! And then I hear a voice, Is that Debbie?!?! And who comes walking up to the top of Turtlehead Peak other than Michele. We were both like NO FREAKING WAY.

At one point she turns to one in her group of four and says, That's Debbie, and the other person goes, I know, I've seen her picture on Facebook




Just think of the timing in order to meet somebody you know on top of the peak.


When we went down I was able to go much faster since I'm not alone anymore. Not complete, but I'm mostly done with my fear of hikes.


On Friday Eyes substituted a morning boot camp and I went. This week's boot camps have been hard on me, just physically, I haven't been "there" there. Other than Turtlehead Peak, Flag Mountain tomorrow, the 10K, a Zumba, and 50 laps in the pool, I haven't done any extra exercise other than the 5 boot camp sessions. I guess my body needed a rest (and if you read the blog regularly you know that's NOT sarcasm).


So the first one was at 6a and then the regular 9:30a one. And my body was all there for 9:30a. I needed that. I needed one good boot camp session. It keeps me going strong. I can make it through what I call a sucky boot camp week performance-wise and be all refreshed by one good one.




We did towers and the warm-up was the loop. I've gotten sooooo much better at hiking, that now I can get to the top WITH the group (and even ahead of some instead of far behind in last), and then we're talking running, which is my thing. So I'm getting better at my weakness and at my strength. But if I can keep people in my line of sight, I can easily overtake them once we get on pavement (I still lose some ground running on rocks but it's getting less and less and once we get on pavement, it's mine). And I think running today's 10K at the pace I wanted instead of at my pace is going to help me figure out some mental running things and break free of a running barrier that we all have that ties us down to the ground.




I'm glad I had that session. Now I'm good to go all hardcore on Monday. We went up the hill, down the hill, some running, up the hill, down the hill, and I was first because Dru wasn't feeling well, so I was really second. I'm down on myself a lot and I like it because it just drives me harder and harder each time, but I was thinking that I don't think I'm that fit but look who I'm measuring myself against - the cream of the crop. So I think in boot camp we're all in the top 10-25% of fit people, and I'm middle of the pack in that (last of the pack when it comes to the top - Eyes, Jill, Dru, Sara if she ever comes back), and almost there when it comes to others. You have to learn to figure out who's underperforming based on their true ability, because for one reason or another, some people don't run as fast as they can, so you can't even base their running ability on how they run in boot camp. And of course you can't base it on how they look, you have to base it on how they run. We inherited another good runner who seems to come a lot and who's ahead of me but who I can overtake on one of those special days, whenever the next one comes. I have to have that click moment to overtake her, it's not an everyday thing, but it's doable.








Today I ran a 10K.


Course was 10.14K in 1:00:21 watch time (1:00:12 official time). If you divide time by seconds and multiply by 10K, that's 59:31 for the 10K. I did right under 28 for the 5K, beating my previous 5K time. 6.3 MPH (10K is 6.21 miles). Hot and hilly. Beat my previous 10K time by way over 10 minutes in a month and 11 days, or almost 10%. Second 10K.





On the 10K today I tried to keep a 10K/hr pace because I wanted an hour or less 10K (which I did), and I felt like fainting the whole way through. I didn't go at my pace, 10K/hr was definitely above what I could do physically, but I wanted it. And I thought that I always SAY I want something I don't know I can finish, and here it was, and I took it. I felt like stopping sooooooo many times, but there were only two ways I was going to stop: At the finish line, or fainting. You have a determination that overtakes everything and you WILL do it no matter what. I was not going to stop. My mind takes over. And it's as hard for me as it is for anybody else and I have the same self-doubts as anybody else, but for some reason sometimes I can tap into that inner strength we all have and make magic happen like today. Because for me, a 10K in under an hour was making magic happen. I ran an hour at a pace faster than I could handle.





Tomorrow we go to Flag Mountain again just for the hell of it, nothing better to do. I can't wait, I'm going for time. That mountain will be mine. I take no prisoners lately. I'm doing something, I'm going for it. I'm beginning to realize that there's a point where you become "free" physically.




MONDAY OF NEXT WEEK: I want to wrap the week and then move on. I was sooo much more tired this time from everything I did during the week that I was a lot slower, but made it up and down in 2:03:46, counting the time spent on top. I want to go back and do Flag Mountain many more times. I want to go back next week and take tons of pictures and then go back the week after and go for a better time and just keep going. It's fast, it's hard, it's fun, and I know where it is. Do it enough, and you get better at it. But I need a good pair of hiking shoes. $150 will do it. Saving up to it. I'll do enough hiking that they'll pay off for themselves. Went to IHOP afterwards and had some pancakes, eggs, and turkey bacon. I love that place.




That's it for this week. On to the seventh. Debbie Out.

Monday, May 24th, 2010, through Sunday, May 30th, 2010.

I wrote a lot of stuff this week on Facebook so I'm just going to copy and paste over. May 26th, my birthday, June 3rd, dad dies, July 3rd, I start exercising. Boom boom boom. Lots of stuff this week to port over.

This is an old note from the 15th of May:

It struck me the other day when I was talking to somebody that I've changed so much and so quickly that people think this has been me all along and this is who I am. And I thought what better way to show the difference than to describe what my life was like just a year ago.

Why? Because people seem to be inspired by change. And if by knowing how much of a change my life has gone through is able to inspire somebody else, then telling the story is worth it. Maybe I'm also trying to explain what going through this whole thing has been like.

I thought we'd start with elementary school. I was the one they picked to bully (and that went up all the way to the workplace, really, it never really stopped). I was never really part of the group. One of my earliest memories was when I was 6 years old or so and we all sat in a group, the whole class with the teacher, and went around trying to figure out what was wrong with me. My first grade teacher would pinch me and pull my hair. On a private bus I accidentally poked someone on the ear with an errant pen and I was the only one without ice cream. During camp someone's pajamas went missing and I was blamed and I had to skip the search for a ghost which I really wanted to go to and then they found the pajamas inside the person's bag and then a bunch of people made fun of me for being too scared to go on the ghost search. I went on a religious group overnight sleepover and in the morning we were going out to pick up new members and go out to eat or something and my shoes went missing and I was made to stay behind by myself in the house.

I'd be sitting down and someone would come and start kicking a soccer ball against me over and over again and I'd let them. I'd try to leave the room to get a teacher to stop the teasing and I'd be dragged to the floor by my lab coat.

One of the most significant events in my life happened in fifth grade. I had an argument with someone in third or fourth grade, and I think there was pushing back and forth; I don't really remember and I was never the kind of person to shove back even if shoved. Her cousin was in my grade and next thing I know, the younger cousin is telling everyone I shoved her so hard I knocked the wind out of her. So a bunch of fifth and sixth graders corner me in front of the bus (on school property, and I could have sworn I saw at least one administrator looking) and proceeded to kick, pinch, and berate me. When they finished I went into the bus and I cried. The bus driver, who had been sitting there, said that it was a shame. You think?

That was the last time I ever cried in public. I was never going to allow myself to cry in public again.

I was too fat to run so I would walk in P.E. around the track while everyone else ran, and as early as fifth grade if not earlier I would pray to G-d to let me be happy one day, and that if I got a sign that I would, I would put up with anything.

In college people would leave anonymous comments in my website's guestbook about what a disgusting pig I was. They didn't have to, I myself have looked in the mirror and called myself a loser.

My life was defined by fear. Fear of not being liked, fear of making mistakes, fear of life. I spent 31 years eating and watching TV. I'd spend 4-5 hours a day laying on the couch watching TV. My daily diet consisted of pizza rolls, hot pockets, large pizza, bagel bites, cheese sticks, etc.

Been suffering from depression since at least fifth grade. On therapist 31 or so (because of a few minor things, like losing a dad, having to adjust to a new body, psychological changes of losing 75 lbs, wanting to change the inside as well as the outside, etc.). I always felt I wasn't really living but just existing until my real life started. I think it did.

My life would have been so different if I could take this Debbie back. I probably would have gotten suspended a couple of times but no one would have ever dared to pick on me again. Life would have been an adventure. But I like two quotes I've come across. The first one is that you cannot change the past but you can rewrite your future. The second is that life DOES have do-overs. If you need an example, here it is.

I want to briefly touch on what my dad dying did to me. June 3rd, 2009. I talk to my dad on the 2nd at night, tell him "Talk to you tomorrow," and hours later he's dead. Slipped down the stairs at home, hit his head, and died. Great physical and mental shape. Something like that breaks you. It's like there's a hole poked in your soul. You can mend it, but you'll always be able to tell something happened there. I went to Venezuela never expecting to go back. And it's like I picture my life having two timelines and this is a weird alternate one I was never supposed to be on. I had never gotten overwhelmed. When I was there, I'd get overwhelmed and I'd have to step to the side and just breathe because life itself was just too much. I got to enjoy bathrooms a lot, because they were small and quiet. I never saw my dad dead because Jews don't do that. The only proof I have that he's dead is that he hasn't called me since. New Debbie would have opened that casket. Touch him one last time, try to poke him to get him to wake up.

It's really like G-d came to me one day and said, Here, have this new life, where everything as you know it will change. You'll be stronger, better, both inside and out, you'll find a strength and a love of life you never knew existed and you yourself will change. Oh, yeah. Your dad? Not a part of it.

If I had to choose between a five-minute visit from my dad and all this, I wouldn't know any of you. Just to tell him one last time that I love him, that I'm sorry for broken promises and all those times I didn't call and for not being the perfect daughter. Just to hug him and touch him one last time.

And you really have something happen TO you instead of you MAKING IT happen, and you try to explain that to people. You think I chose any of this? This is as far from anything I ever would have chosen. So when people ask me what made me choose to change my life and exercise..... I didn't. I had no choice in the matter, all I could do was hang on for dear life while all this happened (and keeps happening).

And when you wake up one day and you get handed over pretty much a new life, you are really in awe that you get to live out this life. You wake up and go, Really? I really get to live out this life? This is really mine? I get to keep it?

And you develop a fear of losing all of this, of going back. Because one day you wake up and go to the gym and never stop and the cravings stop and never come back and you don't understand why or how it happened, and you're scared of losing it all and having to go back to who you once were, and you want to get as much of this as you can because you never know how long you'll have it for.

This is the best way I can explain it: Imagine the most delicious [insert your favorite flavor] ice cream [or most favorite food] in the world. No calories, no fat, you can eat as much as you want, and it's a bottomless container, and you don't know if it will ever run out, so you eat and eat and eat in fear of the faucet of ice cream shutting off, if you will. That's why I exercise four to six hours a day, because there's always the fear that tomorrow the drive will be gone and I'll be in bed again and I want to get as much ice cream in as I can before it's taken away from me. Because remember, none of this was a choice.

On trips all I'd want to do is lay in bed reading. Now my motto is Anything, Anywhere, Anytime. I like my music when I work out because it motivates me but sometimes I skip the iPod because I want to be in the moment, I want to experience life happening.

And you know, life isn't perfect. I still have many goals to go. But it has started, and the changes have started happening, and it's all the good kind of uphill from here (although is there a kind of bad uphill? ;)).

Do you know how ironic it is that my dad dying was the event that set off the best year of my life? That's something I have to live with the rest of my life. That it really feels like he died so that I could live? That he would have been my biggest supporter and no matter how many triathlons I finish he can never see any of them, I can never give him any of this?

The depression comes and goes and Old Debbie would lay in bed. New Debbie gives it the finger on the way to boot camp.

So next time I say thank you for believing in me when my whole life it seemed most people didn't, all of this is what I'm really saying thank you for.







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May 26th:




I've always wanted to go skydiving. Old Debbie wanted to do a lot of things. New Debbie does them for her. So what better day than today, my birthday? My first birthday after I got my second lease in life.

I get there early, straight from work. Bad move, since I got there so early I had time to think. And then I get nervous. And then I ramble, to the point that the people who work there are telling me (jokingly) to shut up lol Filled out a bunch of forms about how this could result in injury or death. About how we were about to be inappropriately groped in private places (I almost put "Only if you're hot" next to my initials). Then into a room where we watched a video about, what else, how we could die or be injured. Then we had to show how we could fold our legs into ourselves from a sitting position and .... I couldn't. They wouldn't budge. I'm thinking are you freaking kidding me, this is one of the hardest things for me in boot camp, I wish I would have practiced harder. The instructor is looking at me like are you freaking kidding me which was kind of cool because it means I at least look like I should be able to do it. After everyone left the room I was able to do it (and was able to do it easily when it counted, up in the air). Then we practiced the banana, laying on a round rolling soft round chair thingie, head tilted back, legs folded back, arms first tucked in front then at 90 degree angles out.

True to what I was told by a staff member, you go from fear to gung-ho back to fear back to gung-ho and up and down and up and down and I want to go already and I want to go home. Then it was time to suit up and get the harness on. Then we watched the first wave go (I was in the second wave). Everyone's chutes opened. Whew. Seven of them. Perfect landings. Then we went inside to get our instructors (tandem jump). I went to talk to the first wave, specially the woman, and they all said it was amazing. Then I hear "Debbie!! DEBBIE!!" and run to find my instructor. Since I took so long getting to him we were last on the plane..... first to jump. And they told me the worst parts were the ride up in the plane, the tugging when the chute opens, and the landing. But as we were going up, all I felt was peace. It soothed me to look down into the ever-disappearing ground. It brought me peace.

And I started thinking about my dad. For those of you who don't know, on 6/3/09, we got a call that he slipped down the stairs at home (in Venezuela), hit his head, and died. I had talked to him briefly six hours before and the last words I ever said to him were "Talk to you tomorrow." He was in great physical and mental health, 69-years-old. And I've been hiking and if you think about it, you can slip and die. It's possible. Specially hanging from rocks in the middle of nowhere or going downhill. And then this. But he died at home. If you gotta go, you gotta go, and hiding from life at home isn't going to protect you (not that he was doing that, just saying). And I wasn't afraid. I think it was my dad's time to go and G-d took him that way to remind me for the rest of my life to never keep from doing something out of fear. Fear can never again be a deciding factor in my life. Anything, anywhere, anytime. And I was not nervous. I pictured myself going over the side of the plane falling, and I felt peace. And then it was time to go, get clipped to my awesome instructor, goggles on, and off the side of the plane we went. And then I didn't stop yelling until we hit the ground. But yelling helps me deal with fear and nervousness :) It won't stop me from doing something, it just helps me get through it. That's going to be a funny video once I get it in a couple of days, and should make for some good pics. Your face feels like it's being plastered. And then the chute opened, and it wasn't that bad of a pull. But then the freaking TURNING began. If there's something that I didn't like about the jump, it was turning in circles, I hate that feeling of just one side of your body is falling down and being pulled back. I steered the parachute a bit. Then he took it back and he braked it a bit and we did a perfect landing. I think we ended up in our butts but I felt him land first, my legs folded after all. The ascent was perfect, the pull of the parachute was nothing, the landing was phenomenal, just a tremendous rush and experience, and afterwards I was shaking so bad a staff member had to put my tip in the envelope, I couldn't get the bills in. When I landed I literally kissed the ground and got dirt inside my mouth. Crunchy. Could still feel it an hour later.

Can't wait to see the video and pictures. And once you jump out of a plane, everything else pales by comparison. Once you go on "extreme" adventures, everything else pales in comparison. And you need more more more each time, something harder, tougher, badder, bigger. Once I actually DO something, it's like meh. The Sprint Triathlon didn't even feel like a challenge because I overtrained (64 laps instead of 32, 28 miles instead of 19 on the bike, 10K instead of 5K). What I love is the feeling of having to push, the feeling of having to meet a challenge. Once I meet it, it's no longer a challenge and I lose interest. I thought about jumping more and I think what I'm going to do is get my 25 tandem jumps in, then do a jump by myself, then not jump again, because I have way too many other things I want to do. But I do want to jump by myself one day.

It was an amazing experience. And when I was signing up I was able to claim I was height and weight proportionate and it felt good, and then I realized I probably wouldn't have been able to go skydiving before even if I wanted to because of the weight.

I think that's why I'm starting to warm up to how my body looks and feels now, because it's not keeping me from doing what I want.

Highly recommended experience, I will definitely be back to do it again one day =)

Don't be afraid of life. Embrace it. Do what you want to do. And you know what I was thinking on that plane and going up to the plane? It actually would take ACTION -NOT- to do it... i.e. walking away. If I just followed the person in front of me I wouldn't even have to think, I just had to keep moving forward and just follow orders to go through the experience. Don't hide from life, live it. Don't be scared of things. Or be scared but do them anyway. That's what I do.

Debbie out.




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A way to beat depression?






If you haven't heard before, I've suffered from depression since at least 5th grade, so that makes it about 22 years by now, or over 2/3's of my life. 30 or so therapists, group therapy, support groups, medication, the whole shebang, and nothing. What do you do? In my case I just learned to live with it the best I could, and it was something that came and went and I had no control over how often and for how long and to what degree, the only thing I could do is wait until it left and then just go on living.

When I started exercising on 7/3/09 it went away almost completely for a few months (I can remember 2 "episodes" in that time) and just came back a couple of months ago. When you have chronic depression you never really think it's gone for good because it always comes back and you don't want to set yourself up for disappointment. But when it came back a couple of months ago, I was Exercise Debbie as opposed to Old Debbie, so I couldn't react to it the same. So I started ignoring it. If it came, I'd talk to it out loud, say I didn't have time for it, and just ignore and go on with what I was doing.

Then 5/22/10 came around. A boot camp extreme challenge. And after it was done and we were walking a rocky trail back to the cars, something happened to me. I'm not sure what it was or what it means or what changes it will bring. I just know something happened. And one of the things I knew from that point forward is that I could never be depressed gain. I don't know WHY, I just know that I can't be depressed ever again. Sometimes through this whole fitness journey I just "know" things. I don't think I can, I know I will. And there's a huge difference. I went from six minutes of running to half an hour of running based on what a person said on Facebook, and when I started that half hour run, I laughed out loud, because I KNEW I was going to do it, and it felt great to know that at the beginning of the run.

So I've felt 2-3 depression episodes coming these past few days, and I just put my foot down and said "no." I refuse. Literally saying out loud, no, I refuse. No. No no no no no no no. Just no. You can't come at all. And me personally I think ignoring something and refusing something -- like night and day, completely different, even though outwardly they have the same appearance. I refuse to be depressed ever again.

I've learned two things these past couple of days. One, it helps to shut your brain off and just go sometimes. We think too much. Just set it aside and just experience life instead of thinking about life. Feel the earth beneath your feet, the wind in your hair, the sun in your face.... FEEL life.

Second, sometimes it's harder to give up than to go. When you're at the edge of the "figurative" cliff, isn't it easier to just jump than to turn around and walk all the way back to the car? Sometimes it's easier to accomplish something than to back away.

And I don't know why mention those last two points, but I think they have something to do with the whole "no" thing.

Start making life happen instead of just letting life happen. Take the reigns and start directing your life. You can be anything and do anything. Have you ever wanted to do something? What's the difference between you now and you doing that something? Is it just taking action? That's a huge thing, taking action. What's stopping you? Picture yourself doing it, and just do it. Because there's really nothing stopping you. Just fear, self-doubt, but all of those are in your head, and all of those you can say No to. Refuse to be a victim. Refuse to let life happen to you. Anything you don't like, you actually have the power to refuse, to say no. I refuse to be weak anymore, to have fear control my life, to be depressed, to be anything less than everything I want to be. And there's no difference between you and me.

In the blog I wrote that people say to just turn the depression off, to turn the switch, and I said that I had been dealing with it for 20 years and I hadn't found a way to do that, so that if they knew how, please share. So I figured I'd do the same.

How long will this last? I don't know. Will this actually work? I don't know. Will I ever be depressed again? I don't know. I just know I refuse, and I have the power to say no and to make my life whatever I want it to be. And that's what I want to share with you. Grab that power and say no to your thing, because we all have our thing. Refuse your thing. Control your life. Make your life.

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Written Sunday:

9th day depression-free. Just say No! Fifth straight day of writing at least 300 words a day. More and more I realize that anytime you see anybody who's overweight, depressed, isolated, weighted down, etc. .... that's not a lazy, unmotivated person. That's someone who had Life happen to them. It happens to all of us. Go talk to them and find out what their story is.

I think while learning to listen to my body first because of the food and then because of the exercise, I found a way to listen to my soul ;) I've learned quite a few things on this journey, I'll write them up one of these days. But I think if you fine-tune your senses in order to capture more of you, you can't help but pick up on others' signals also.

And I actually used those same exact words in either a blog entry or my last Note here.... make life happen instead of letting life happen to you :) We can refuse to be victims of circumstance.

On Saturday I went to the drag races at the Speedway.  It feels good to move around and do things and go places and experience new things instead of sitting at home watching TV.

Writing this on Saturday of NEXT WEEK.  On Sunday mom came back from Venezuela for two months, so straightening up a bit.  Did a spin class with Dallas, felt good, might start incorporating an hour spin class here and there.  Set up the treadmill at 10 miles per hour (six-minute mile), grabbed on, and jumped on.  BAD IDEA, but ONE OF THE if not THE funnest idea I've had for a while.  Was able to hang on and then was able to jump back out.  It could have been ugly.  Do NOT try this.  Let me be the crazy adventurous one.  Ok, that's kind of selfish, but trust me, NOT something you want to try.  That's about it for Sunday.  Debbie out.

Monday, May 17th, 2010, through Sunday, May 23rd, 2010.

THURSDAY MORNING - It has been a great week so far, can't complain.  There was a Groupon (Group coupon) deal and like over 1500 people signed up for a month of boot camp for $25 (20 sessions).  I missed Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday of last week because of the triathlon so that I didn't meet most new people until this Monday.  The boot camp experience is now very very different, because instead of 4-10 people per session now we have 15-22.  I didn't like it at first because our first instinct is always to recoil at change.  And I like people and I think I'm social but the weight and the depression and everything else made it very hard my whole life to ACT social, and the bigger the group the shyer I get and the more I pull back, so it was an adjustment.  But I'm getting more comfortable now being part of a huge group (for me 20 is a huge group).  Although I did that by just picking out a person or two at a time to talk to.  Everyone I've met so far is very nice.

But if you have more people you necessarily are going to get less attention per class.  And I've been going to boot camp now for just over two and a half months.  You get a bit coddled in the beginning, come on, you can do it, and you break through some mental barriers (or a lot).  Could I have done everything I've done in boot camp so far without coddling?  Maybe, maybe not.  It helps.  And sooner or later you switch over and become a Veteran, and start doing stuff on your own, and start breaking your own barriers with just your own internal strength.  And I think all these new boot campers and the ensuing higher amount of by-myself time (i.e. without someone right next to me saying good job, way to go, you can do it, faster faster faster, don't you give up on me) kind of push you, if you are ready, from that external to internal drive.  It's still nice to get it, but you don't NEED someone else pushing you all the time because you've learned to push yourself.  And you develop a certain kind of internal toughness and you can now go at it alone or in a group (and as you develop that whole I can do this by myself now mentality you also have to watch that when it's time to go back in a group you accept help..... it's a balance).

But it's kind of a perfect timing because last week, just randomly with no specific event, I started going harder at it, started with last week Monday's Mission Impossible (for some reason I always get life-changing experiences out of Mission Impossibles, as in my first day of boot camp).

FRIDAY MORNING:  I don't know which way I like better, small and intimate or huge group.  I could go either way.  What would be really nice is to have days of both sprinkled throughout the week.  We'll see what happens.

I don't know what happened Tuesday but the boot camp session wore me out, haven't felt that wiped out in weeks, and I stayed in bed all day sleeping and recuperating.  Finally getting over Tuesday.  The rest of the week has been uneventful, but I want to talk about a few things.  Let's start with the mission impossible that happened last week Monday.

I went faster than before, nothing was going to stop me.  I needed a fast day.  Eyes says to me during the kicking of the bag that faster is not always better, and I'm thinking to myself, trying to have a life-changing moment here.  I needed fast that day, and I'm glad I got to have it.

There's three more things I want to talk about.  Let's fast-forward a bit to Thursday's boot camp.  There's a new person there, and we've talked a little bit on Facebook, and we got partnered up to carry one of the metal logs (filled with sand and rocks and stuff) on one shoulder and then lift it up over our heads and place on the other shoulder (arms day).  And she had the upper body strength and I had the don't-stop-for-anything mentality.  Add those two together and you can do anything, right?  So right away I notice she's having an easier time raising the log that I am and that's where I go crap.  On individual events the new people can kick my behind to Friday and back, but on a team event I'm not going to hold a new person back, I have to step up and be ahead of them so that I can pull them forward.  So I pulled her mentally and she pulled me physically and we raised that stupid log 50 times (left-right counts as 1,  not 2).  You do feel proud of someone when they achieve something like that, gives you a warm fuzzy feeling.  I could get used to that.  And in a class that big, you have more of a chance to just be with your partner and motivate each other.  But it's funny that I went to raise the log and it wouldn't budge and I'd look at her and she'd be ready to go and so I had to be ready to go too.

I don't know what it is about me and upper body strength.  Is it mental or is it physical?  I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that ANYbody will have more upper body strength than I do, just as I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that one day I'll beat anybody at running.  Do I really not have the muscles or does my body still think it's fat? (well, yes to that last one, but I've had some kind of luck teaching my legs they're strong but that hasn't worked for my arms.... they're a stubborn little pair).  Could I really hang for a minute?  Can I physically do it?  Is it my mind keeping me back or do I really not have it yet?

Second thing I wanted to talk about is a dress.  Went to someone's house for dinner.  And I got the idea to dress up.  Went to Ross and found this dress that was just made for me.  To the side.  Someone took it out of the rack and discarded it.  I went to the changing room, I put it on, and I almost cried.  I was pretty.  It was the first time in ages that I looked in the mirror and said to myself, you look so pretty.  And I did, too.  And I used makeup for the first time since 2004.  And  I straightened my hair.  Took me an hour of shopping and two hours to get ready.  And that's significant for two reasons.

First one is that the way the depression manifests itself in me is that I don't do things; inaction.  I'm all for baths, brushing your teeth, combing your hair, etc., but that's about it, i.e. I'll keep myself clean and good-smelly, but I don't really work on making myself look NICE.  Clean, but not nice.  Clean clothes and hair brushed and pulled back in a ponytail.  So for someone who has been depressed for over two decades and never really cared how she looked to spend two hours getting ready to go somewhere.... it's huge.  And I see seeds of that creeping out into other areas of my life.  Not there yet, but it's like I can feel a huge change coming on.

The second significance of that is that I wanted to look nice for someone else.  Like you know my crap, I want you to know the good side of me too.  I want you to see the pretty.  The flowery.  I wanted to share the best side of me with somebody.  And yes it's the inside that counts but the outside has significance also, like I don't care what the outside looks like but you're getting it as good as it gets.  Maybe I'm not explaining it right, maybe I am, maybe it's hard to explain.  My Gainesville Karate instructor always said you're a present to the world so wrap yourself up nicely.  Something like that.  But for someone who hasn't really shared her whole life to want to share the best part of her with someone else, that's huge too.  So that dress had a lot of significance for me.

The third thing I wanted to talk about was the day my dad died, but I'm running late on other stuff, so that will have to wait.  Depression's been coming and going this week, I have to literally flip it off every morning.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, most times so far it does.

FRIDAY NIGHT - And here we go again with the depression.  Laying in bed just hurting, not being able to fall asleep, having to get up to go to work in less than an hour and then the boot camp extreme challenge right after work tomorrow.  And it's funny that it's one of those things that people just say to turn off, or get over it. I've spent over two decades trying to do just that, so if you figure out a way, please let me know.  The best I've figured out is how to ignore it when I can and put up with it when I can't.  But you can't choose when it comes or goes or how long it stays.

Had a good day in boot camp.  We had to gather these flags and I got seven and was about to gather the eight and someone comes in from behind me and grabs the last one and ties with me, and one person got eight, so I was thisclose to tying for #1.  But maybe it was meant to be and maybe being #1 will mean something to her the way some things have meant something to me in boot camp.  And next time I just have to go harder.  That's the thing, in boot camp you really have to give it your all all the time because you never know who's coming up from right behind you and every second counts.

Then at the end we ran up towers, and I came in first.  But when I reached the bottom, everyone was just starting to run down the last hill.  I can run down fast in paved ground, not so much in dirt or rocky roads (well, depends..... I do worse with small slippery rocks.... it's not so much the terrain but how much traction it has).  I practice going at it as fast as I can, though, every time I go down a hill, I throw myself at it.  When we were going up we're almost to the top and I hear someone breath hard.  That was her mistake.  I had no idea she was there or that close to me.  I was very close to the top and there was no way she was passing me, and she didn't.  I got up there first.  Less than three months ago I could barely make it up there now I'm being #1 over people who are fitter than me like it's nobody's business.

Being number one.  What's the importance behind it?  I've never been number one in my life.  But there's something more than that.  Because you can be number one outside, but then you have to be number one inside.  You have to internalize it.  Like I'm not a person that is number one.  I'm the person left behind.  I'm the person that never seemed to catch a break or accomplish anything.  Call center job, in debt, no husband or kids or close friends.  Nothing.  That's the person you tell yourself you are.  And that's who you become.  And then one day someone comes along and tells you you are someone else.  For example, 100 sit-ups.  And someone comes along and tells you you can do 100 sit-ups.  And you tell them in your head no, they're wrong, they got the wrong person, you are NOT someone who can do 100 sit-ups.  And they show you that you are wrong.  What now?  Well, first you have to change the definition of who you think you are.  But that shatters your whole worldview because if you were wrong about this, what else are you wrong about?  Next time you think you can't do something, something in the back of your head plants a seed of doubt.  And that seed gets stronger and stronger.  50 burpies?  Are you freaking kidding me you can't do 50 burpies?  Who do you think you are, Loser Debbie?  She's banished to the basement until we can figure out a way to get rid of her forever, but she's not allowed out in the meantime.  Still escapes sometimes, but we throw her right back in.

I'm at a point in my life where I need to push against something.  A place, a better time, a longer distance, something harder.  That hill is my depression, and although I can't "beat" the real one, I can beat that hill.  It allows me to personify the depression, and fight back.  And I haven't really had that my whole life.  More than exercise, it's tough exercise.  I wish I had found that earlier in life, maybe even in my teens.  But I wouldn't give up any experience I've had in my life.  I will find a place and a reason for each one of them in time.

So you can be number one outside, but can you be number one inside?  And what does someone who has always been last in life do when they find themselves first at "the finish line" ?  Something has to give.  And your mind doesn't really want to give up the loser mentality, it's all it knows and it's what it wants to keep.

But more than that, I'm just hooked in that pushing.  What happens if I "win" something?  Then I want to find something else to race, to do, to push.  I was standing around down there for a few seconds catching my breath and drinking some water and seeing everyone up at the top of the hill and thought to myself, this sucks, I'm going back up there.  I'm not about to stand around doing nothing, I want that pushing.  I've both developed a hunger and found something that satisfies it.

I want to build my body into the best body it can be.  Lean, strong, fast.  I will not stop until it is in as good a shape as it can be.  This coming year, the second of my fitness journey, will be about building, just as the first was about taking down.  Inside and out.  I am not about to work on the outside and leave the inside behind.  There's no point in that.  It has to come as a complete package.  Ran out of time, Debbie Out for now.

SUNDAY AFTERNOON - Yesterday it was the extreme challenge "Rescue on the River."  Grab a stretcher filled with 150 lbs and carry it between six people at a time through a muddy river and up and down banks.  It was more than I expected and it was totally worth, it was an amazing experience.  The worse part was getting stuck in the mud and getting rocks in my shoes.  Trying tape around my ankles and over my shoes next time.  Still going to do it again next time, but it was so much more than I expected that at least I feel crazy for wanting to do it over again.  I realized I complain a lot (but still do whatever, so maybe it's my way to deal, but I don't like it, so I'm not complaining anymore).  No more yelling, no more screaming, no more whining, just going to go at it hardcore starting tomorrow.

So we made it the whole way through.  I couldn't do the banks.  Next year I'll do the banks, up and down.  But I carried that stretcher.  A lot of time I was catching up to the stretcher, and realized showing up isn't enough, you have to carry your weight, and I did it some.  Didn't make it through the current all the way through the last flag, that's another thing for next year.

But something happened on the way back from the challenge, walking in line.  I don't know what it was.  But I realized I have to be the strong one now.  I have to be the one others lean on.  I have to get rid of any negativity and weakness (as much as I can for as much as I can).  And I can never again be depressed.  I told myself I would never get depressed again.  No, Debbie, No.  No.  No.   No.  And I was in the car either yesterday or today and felt it coming and just said No.  I refuse.  Just No.  That's it.  I refuse.  I'm not going to ignore it or put up with it anymore, I'm just not going to allow myself to be depressed anymore.  It's time to really change my life.  That's step numbers one and two.  Take care of my personal affairs.  It's time to grow up.  No more whining, complaining, weakness.  No more.  I refuse.  And it went away within a couple of minutes.  We'll see how that goes.  I refuse to be a victim of life anymore.

Let's say you have two people on top of a cliff, with rocks and water below, and you have to jump to move forward.  What makes one person jump vs. the other not jumping?  What is it in people that one day just makes us go?  Do we find an inner strength, do we just get fed up enough with our current situation, do we find something that inspires us or does something finally spark "the answer" in us?  What is it that makes us jump?  What is that click that produces action?  If you figure it out, let me know, and I'll make sure to do the same.

Something happened to me during that walk.  I don't know what it was.  And I don't know what it means or what it will entail or what it will change.  But I wasn't the same once I got back to the car area.  And nothing spectacular or out of the ordinary has happened so far.  But it's like a balloon.... you blow and blow and blow and blow and all of a sudden, pop.  Building, building, building, and all of a sudden, action.  And I have a feeling it will all come to a head tomorrow at boot camp, that I will see the first results of whatever happened there.  But I realized I have to take control and take the reigns of my life and just go.  Just go already.  It's time to let life stop happening and it's time to MAKE life happen.  Make my life happen, more specifically.  Time to take charge.  I haven't really changed that much.  I still let things happen.  No more.

Something about the challenge was that just to get to the challenge area we had to go down 2-3 steep hills.  And I kept repeating out loud "I don't do hills" as I was climbing down then.  Next hill, I'm going down.  On my feet or rolling, I don't really care.  The next downhill I encounter will be mine.

Someone just commented that a difference in jumping or not (Facebook) is that one person thinks about it too much and the other one just does it.  Is that it?  Is that really it?  Another person commented that I think things too much.  Is it just taking action, no matter what that action is, instead of thinking about it so much?

It's a new week, day, month, year, life, Debbie, whatever.  Starts now.  Debbie out.