Monday, February 15th, 2010 - Sunday, February 21th, 2010

FOOD: 

Monday:  Apex Caramel Peanut Butter cookie (high in protein) (190), 3 Apex protein bars (630), 11 oz apple (184), Cheese wrap (230), 3 oz ground chicken (173.5), Fiber One cereal (120), Pistacchios (170), 5.6 oz chicken tenderloins (154), fat-free hot chocolate (20), Dove dark chocolate (42), 1913 total calories consumed, 2908 calories burned, 995 deficit.

Tuesday:  36 oz apple (4 huge apples) (602), cheese wrap (230), Fiber One cereal (120), Pistacchios (170), 12.64 oz swordfish (555), Dove dark chocolate (42), 1719 total calories consumed, 3284 calories burned, 1565 deficit.

I should not have 1500+ deficits, should be right at 1000 or so, but I just couldn't eat another bite.

Wednesday:  Protein bar (210), cheese wrap (230), Pistacchios (170), 3 apples (451), LVAC gym shake (300), Subway Roast Beef Footlong on Wheat (580), Dove dark chocolate (42), 1983 total calories consumed, 4505 calories burned, 2522 deficit.

Thursday:  2 protein bars (410), 2 apples (301), 2 bananas (217), cheese wrap (230), Pistacchios (170), Dove dark chocolate (42), 1380 total calories consumed, 3421 calories burned, 2041 deficit.

I've given up on trying to have 1000 caloric deficits.  My eating can't keep up with my exercising.  There is just no way I could ever eat 3500 (good) calories in one day.  I have trouble eating that in TWO days.

Friday:  9 ounces apple (150), 2 bananas (217), Cheese wrap (230), Pistacchios (170), protein bar (180), 9.2 oz chicken tenderloins (253), Dove dark chocolate (42), 1242 total calories consumed, 3277 calories burned, 2034 deficit.

Saturday:  5 ounces apple (83), 28 ounces banana (730), cheese wrap (230), P90X recovery drink (220), Pistacchios (170), Quaker chocolate chip granola bar (100), SmartFood popcorn (100), 5.7 ounces chicken tenderloins (156), Dove dark chocolate (42), 1832 total calories consumed, 2983 calories burned, 1141 deficit.

I started using ounces instead of items for bananas and was surprised at how much I was undercounting calories, bananas have about 182 calories per banana instead of 110 or so.  Going to use ounces for fruit from now, MUCH more accurate.  730 calories from bananas was way too much, max 2 bananas per day from now on.  I've been on a banana kick lately.

Sunday:  10 oz apple (167), 15 ounces banana (391), cheese wrap (230), Pistacchios (170), 2 protein bars (360), 10 oz chicken tenderloins (275), Dove dark chocolate (42), 1635 total calories consumed, calories burned, deficit.

Bananas are really helping me close the gap on the 1000 deficit goal (not over-reaching the goal), and now that I'm close to 1000 every day, I miss the days of 2000-2500 caloric deficits.

Will update numbers below once midnight rolls around and I have burned calories for today.  Going to be right around 2900.

Totals for this week:

Consumed:  1913, 1719, 1983, 1380, 1242, 1832, 1635, total 11704.
Burned:  2908, 3284, 4505, 3421, 3277, 2983, 2958, total 23336.

Deficit:  11632 (highest ever)


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MONDAY morning - I'm starting to get annoyed at people who tell me not to lose too much weight and become anorexic.  I'm a numbers person (in case you haven't been able to tell by now).  I'm considered overweight.  In 6 more lbs I'll be considered a normal weight.  My normal weight ranges from 108 lbs to 145 lbs.  When I get to 107 lbs then you can get on my case about losing too much weight.  I'd like to think there's enough people ready to kick my butt at the gym if I ever do get to be unhealthily thin.  And, I don't want a thin body, I want a fit body.  I want a muscular body.  And muscle is built by eating at a surplus.  Doesn't really mesh with anorexia and bulimia.

Why is it that part of my weight loss experience involves family and friends mentioning eating disorders all the time?  Especially a weight loss experience based on exercise and proper nutrition?  What does that say about our society?  I'm tempted to answer "Meth" when the next person asks me what my "secret" is.

Not to say that I don't have body image issues.  Body image wise, I had a lot better body image at 230 lbs than at 151 lbs.  The more I lose the fatter I feel.  I want to be in shape already.  Well, I'd settle for not being sick anymore, for one.  And then to be fit so that I can take the classes the way I want.

I absolutely cannot wait for 9a Zumba to go all hard on it.  I expect dizziness and shortness of breath.  I actually give in and will call the doctor at 8a so that he can give me the inhaler he offered to help with the shortness of breath while the virus runs its course.  I could live with better breathing.  At least the classes are spaced out today, and I don't go to work tonight because of the holiday.  Speaking of the holiday, doctor may not be there today.  Will try and if not tomorrow it is.  Having shortness of breath (well, shallow breathing, not shortness of breath) right now at rest.


MONDAY 9a Ann Zumba Michele
MONDAY Noon Agassi Lift Rachel
MONDAY 4:30p Cheyenne SET Kathy
MONDAY 6p Agassi Zumba Linda

I think I kind of phased out the heart rate monitor.  Now I pretty much just pay attention to what the BB says I burned and eat 1000 less than that.

The first Zumba was good but a bit out of breath and some dizziness, which started before I even got to class, at home in the couch.  I'd say I was at 85%.  Lift was rough.  I skip weights for a week and it seems I lost ALL my strength.  But hopefully it's one of those things that picks up to pre-hiatus levels in a couple more classes.  I even have trouble holding up, not even moving, the same weight during chest press.  Demoralizing and scary, I had to go low or no weight.  And I still have issues bending, ramps up the dizziness.

SET was rough also, went pretty much very light or no weight the whole class.  I'm coming back cardio wise but not weights wise yet.  There was a hamstring standing extension exercise that I couldn't do because it hurt my ribcage.

Zumba.  Night Zumba was AWESOME.  I was able to go 95%, it's like someone turned on a switch.  I realized it five minutes into the class or so.  It felt so good to be able to move like that, pre-sickness levels.  It was a wonderful, exhilarating experience.  I have R39 today and hopefully I can finally take it high impact.  I'm taking it a class at a time and enjoying whatever comes.

Ate A LOT.  991 deficit.  1894 in, 2885 out.  I estimated 2800 before I knew my body wouldn't cooperate until the last class.  Ate a lot of fat.  I've been eating very little fat (like half recommended daily value) so maybe my body needed it.  151 lbs Sunday night, 154 Monday morning, 151.5 Monday night.  Weights's good.  I am so hoping I can do R39 hard tomorrow.  I like that round.  Two weeks until Boot Camp Las Vegas, already paid up!!


TUESDAY 8a Ann TKB Michele
TUESDAY 10a Trop TKB Linda
TUESDAY 6:30p Craig TKB Donalin

TUESDAY NIGHT/WEDNESDAY MORNING  - TKBs today were AWESOME. I was able to go high impact FINALLY on Round 39 (twice!!). Donalin did her own thing as always. When you take 5-6 TKBs a week you come to appreciate instructors who do their own thing. Rachel does sometimes and Donalin does all the time. Others stick to the current round (which is nice also, because you get really good at it after taking it 50 times or so).

I am still sick and not breathing right and I get winded really easily but I'm able to go 90-95% in class, and it feels wonderful. I developed a fear now, though. Because when I was sick, I didn't know if I could do a class or not until I got there. You get to class, then you push, and you find out if you can or not. During one of Dallas' class I went to get up on the bike and promptly sat back down. It wasn't there. There's being able to exercise and taking it easy and then there's not being able to exercise. It's like you're pushing but you find out that you can't, or you're grabbing for something that isn't there. You just know. And a couple of weeks ago I was able to go semi-hard on a Zumba and then the next day it was gone again. So I've developed a bit of a fear that I won't be able to go on any particular class. It's going away a bit now that I successfully took 4 classes, but three classes yesterday were meh to horrible. It's still too fresh in my mind. So I'm just taking it a class at a time. Show up, push at the beginning, see if it's there. I was a bit more tired by Donalin's since it was my third class, my stamina isn't all back yet. But I'm not complaining, I'm burning 400-488 calories per class per the BB and I can go high impact. And it's GOOD. I love that feeling of pushing myself. Now if I could just breathe normally, everything would be perfect. I still have shallow breathing. I'm thinking of calling the doctor tomorrow and taking him up on the offer of the inhaler. Almost five classes tomorrow (Jazmine's first class ends at the same time Donalin's starts, so I'll be late for Donalin's 15 mins or so, so it's really 4 and a third classes).

At Lift on Monday (and SET) I went all light. My strength isn't where it used to be. But I think it's a mix of losing a bit of strength, having the same strength but having to build up to my weights again, and a mental psych out. On Saturday during the AFAA training I went to the assisted pullup machine and was pulling about 55 lbs down from 70 lbs. It was a different brand of machine than I normally use so it could be a bit of that, but I psyched myself out that I lost 15 lbs of pulling ability. I heard horror stories of losing tons of muscle if you don't continously work it out. So on Thursday, no matter what, I'm lifting my pre-sickness weights. It's a mental thing. I took it easy one class, time to go back to business.

I can already run for 30 minutes straight. Tomorrow I'm running for distance, an even 5K. Going to use a treadmill to make it easy to see distance, even though I really dislike treadmills. I dislike cardio machines in general, you put forth all that effort and never get anywhere. And you don't really move, you're really constricted. I like the feeling of flying you get while running. Already got a great soundtrack for it, starting of course with Lady Gaga's Bad Romance. Here's the complete soundtrack:

Bad Romance - Lady Gaga
Jai Ho! - Pussycat Dolls
I Gotta Feeling - Black Eyed Peas
No Easy Way Out (Rocky)
Hearts on Fire (Rocky)
Baby Got Back (Sir Mix-a-Lot)
Headstrong - Trapt
Boom Boom Pow - Back Eyed Peas

34 minutes and some seconds. I'll just repeat it since I'm estimating it will take me more than that. At 30 minutes I did just under 4K.

TKB certification on Saturday. I think Zumba has helped me a lot in the rhythm department, I think I can "feel the beat" a lot better now than six months ago. I'm just going to go and have fun and remember that I've been doing this for six months and the only difference is the direction I'm facing. I can honestly say the AFAA training is about the best thing that could have ever happened to me right before the TKB training, I have lost all fear about being in front of people. There's no pit in my stomach when I think about teaching now, just a Let's Go Already!! The AFAA training has changed my whole outlook in life. This is my year.

But you know it really is like someone is directing all of this and things are happening right on time. I mentioned Lola in last Saturdays' update. Here's how I met her: Three and a half months or so after I joined 24HF I joined LVAC (mid-October or so). Took classes at both gyms. On 12/7 I started the 24 classes in one week at 24HF and didn't go to LVAC that week out of necessity. But something happened that really bonded me to 24HF. I went through a life changing experience with it (one of many) and kind of formed a really close bond with anything 24HF-related. So I pretty much didn't go back to LVAC. On 1/1 they had limited classes at 24HF. I went to a cycle class and it filled up and I was turned away. I REALLY wanted to get my workout in and I don't do machines. So I went to LVAC and took Olga (who I've taken many many times before at LVAC). Who was taking Olga's class? Lola. She seemed crazy and fun so I was sure she had to be an instructor.  So I went over to her at the end of class and then added her on Facebook. Never did go back to LVAC since then (at least for classes, I've used their indoor track a handful of times) and have never taken Lola, and other than that one time, never saw her again in real life until the AFAA training last week. And she was the catalyst for everything that happened that day.

So it's just a series of events with perfect timing and a set of circumstances that snowballed into each other.

I like to think 24HF gave me heart and LVAC gave me courage.

So I've been going around asking my TKB instructors for any words of wisdom to take to Saturday's training. And on Tuesday morning I found out that there's such a thing as "Gold" for TKB certification. You need two things to cinch it = perfect form and lots of yelling. And I told Donalin that I wanted Gold since I heard there's such a thing. And she said not to focus so much on the Gold but on passing. That class attendance is more important than a certificate that tells you you are Gold. That people coming to your class and having fun (or something like that) is more important.

I don't know how I feel about that. I'm a very competitive person and I love to be challenged. I love pushing myself to achieve something, and if I fail I just try again. If I don't get Gold the first time, try and try again. More than one day the only reason I went to the gym was to get all 24 Medals through 24 Hour Fitness' New Member Rewards program in order to get the BodyBugg. I would have not have gone on more than one occassion if it wasn't for the fact that I HAD to get 24 Medals. I had to. And I did. And I went to the gym a lot in order to do it. By late 2009 I was so hooked on the GX classes that now that I finished the program going to the gym has become as second nature as breathing or being.

I went to my first Group X class on 9/1, two months after I started going to the gym on 7/3. And I had such a horrible experience in the past with group classes (could not do the class well, felt fat, everyone else was so fit, etc. etc. etc.) that I held off taking a Group X class for two months, and one of the reasons I did it on 9/1 is because I wanted to see that medal already as achieved and I needed to take a GX class. The rest is history. So I respond well when there's something to achieve, it drives me.

I also don't want to be somebody who gets so hung up on things like achieving Gold that I lose sight of the real reason to get certified: to help people. So I got my words of wisdom after all. So I decided to just show up, do my best, be crazy, yell a lot, and have fun. Whatever happens, happens.

WEDNESDAY MORNING: I'm just a wee bit hungry but don't really want the apple of Fiber One I bought. I'd eat Pistacchios or a cheese wrap. Craving fat, I guess. I can hold it until I get home in 5.5 hours. I have NO interest in eating the apple or cereal.

WEDNESDAY 8a Ann Cycle Dallas
WEDNESDAY 9a Ann Boot Camp Justin
WEDNESDAY 10a Ann Zumba Ginger
WEDNESDAY 12:30p LVAC Rainbow BodyCombat Erin
WEDNESDAY 5:30p Cheyenne Zumba Jasmine (her first time teaching Zumba!!)
WEDNESDAY 6:30p Craig Zumba Donalin
WEDNESDAY 9p LVAC Rainbow Zumba Pat

WEDNESDAY NIGHT/THURSDAY RIGHT AFTER MIDNIGHT:  Well, I decided to celebrate the fact that I exercise again by taking seven classes today.  Spur of the moment idea that started this morning with deciding to take three classes in a row and then it just escalated from there.

I was late for Donalin's Zumba by 15 minutes because Jasmine's was right before, so I ran for 15 minutes after my last Zumba to make up for it and be able to say I took seven classes.

A little soreness all around but nothing major.  I love my body.

THURSDAY 8a Ann SET Beth
THURSDAY 10a Agassi TKB Rachel
THURSDAY Noon Cheyenne Lift Rachel
THURSDAY 5:30p Ann Zumba Michele
THURSDAY 7p Sahara Zumba Donalin

FRIDAY MORNING:  It feels so good to be able to exercise again.  I feel alive.  Legs and arms hurt and it's hard to bend, but I get that all the time if I exercise a lot, so it's all good.  TKB certification tomorrow.  Easy day today.  Two days of heavy exercise, gained 1.5 lbs, 1.5 lbs over lowest, 152.5 lbs currently.

I really need to get over that whole getting Gold thing, it has become an obsession.

People keep telling me how great I look and I keep telling them how fat I look.  I need to learn to shut up and just say "thank you" and not be a Debbie Downer.

One more week left of 24HF before my March Boot Camp adventure.

After last Saturday's adventure, I notice I'm a bit more outgoing during Zumba.  That training did something to me.


FRIDAY 8a Ann Cycle Dallas
FRIDAY 10a Trop TKB Beth
FRIDAY 6p Craig Zumba Donalin

SATURDAY - TKB training all day, two full rounds.

SUNDAY 9a Sahara Cycle Dallas
SUNDAY Noon LVAC/W Sahara Zumba Lola
SUNDAY 3p LVAC/Rainbow BodyCombat Albana

SUNDAY NIGHT -  Few things to go over.

TKB training:  On Friday night I stayed up until midnight watching American Idol, and I actually got some final words of wisdom for the TKB training from Ellen Degeneres of all people (watching American Idol): it's not about knowing or being good. Everyone can learn and everyone can get good at something. It's about star power, presence. It's about what YOU bring to the room. It's about owning the room. It's about your heart, spirit, and soul.

The TKB training really wiped me out.  Last time I felt like that was my first time taking five classes in one day.  I'll be posting a more in-depth account by morning.

I noticed that my cardio came back first, then cycle, then weights, which was really surprising (and I may have mentioned before).  But I decided to grit my teeth through it and I'm back to pre-sickness weights by my second weights class after "coming back."  Pleased with that, shows it was mostly mental.

Here is a description of what the AFAA training was like:  You go over what the day is going to be like, then go over what the practical is and practice it a few times, and go through the whole thing two times or so.  The practical consisted of:  showing moves for a warm-up, including 2 stretches, of your choice, I believe it was a minimum of 3 different warm-up moves, the more the merrier, then a cardio section that lasted a looooong time where you showed cardio moves.  Something kicked in inside of me and I started doing TKB moves, and it was great, because I went from move to move not wondering frozen in place what to do next, it just clicked, then a cool-down section (no stretches) where you showed about 3 cool-down moves.  Then it was the muscle portion, which was really long and draining, and you went through a bunch of muscle groups showing two exercises that work that muscle group and then one stretch.  You could repeat stretches if they stretched two muscle groups but they liked a variety.  I tried to add a little spunk to it by really pretending that I was lifting a weight or pulling a cable, etc.

Then came the long individual segments.  There were 73 people.  I was #60 for some reason because my name was not on one of the lists even though I registered a week in advance.  So it was a group of 40 facing one way and then my group of 33 facing the other.  I was # 20 in that group.  We had to do the segment for everyone in our group.  I was still sick and by now I was fainty.  But I wasn't going to sit down.  I knew I was either going to make it 'til the end or I was going to faint.  I don't take that mentality during a regular class, but this was a special occasion.  And I did think about sitting down a bunch of times.  I think my segment went well, I did step touch, then add arms, then add a knee, then add a hop, then add a jump, with arms as an option.  We had to do at least three layers.  First time being in front of a group.  I thought I had a good powerful voice and I didn't crack under the pressure.

Then we went over the study guide then we took the test then it was over.  It was a very tiring day.

The TurboKick training has left me with weird feelings.  I was expecting it to be a life-changing experience like the AFAA one, and it wasn't.  It was great and all, high energy, learned a lot, but it didn't change my life, and it left me feeling kind of meh.  There's something bugging me about it and I don't know what it is.  The instructor was Linda, who I've been taking for weeks, and I take her twice a week, Zumba and TKB, and I drive 25 mins away to a far-off gym to take her TKB, so that's not it.  And I learned a lot about cuing, form, the 32 count phrase (don't worry about what it is), etc.  So that's not it.  I don't really know what it is, but I can't get excited about it.  The people were great, got three FB contact, so that's not it either.  I can't put my finger on it.  Maybe I'm just mentally and physically drained from 25 classes this week plus the training.

For the TKB we went through the study guide throughout the day and took two full rounds.  For the practical we split into three lines, I was first line, all the way to the right, three people, three people, four people, ten people total in the training.  We showed front and back kick, then line two, then line three.  Then side and round.  Lines 2 and 3.  Then jab and cross.  Lines 2 and 3.  Then hook and upper.  Lines 2 and 3.  That was it.  Then the written, which I thought it was easy and we covered everything in class.  I don't know if I got every question right, but I'm almost 100% positive I passed (C average out of 50 questions which I think means you can miss 15 or so).

Yelled a lot and tried to keep up the energy a lot.  Got REALLY dizzy in the morning by 11a (training started at 9a) right before the first round, and I had a sample package of the P90X recovery drink so I took that and the dizziness COMPLETELY disappeared.  It was awesome, I was full of energy.  That lasted four hours or so and ended right before the practical.  I did the practical on sheer will, mostly.  Was starting to feel dizzy again and energy leaving.  By the second round (after the practical, before the written; the first round was after some book learning and before the practical) I was all wiped out and barely made it through.  Funny how I can do seven classes in one day but two high-intensity TKB rounds wipe me out.  I kept yelling and my  throat got sore, kept trying to go all out and be all full of energy and excitement (and think I succeeded).

4-6 weeks to know if I passed.  Next up:  Schwinn Indoor Cycle, March 7th.  Also in March Zumba (with Beto!!) and willPower and Grace.

During the TKB training they said two of the most important qualities for a good instructor to have are the ability to make small talk and to connect with people, and that's what my boss at work says makes or breaks a good customer service rep, so I finally know why I'm at the job I'm at:  it's the perfect place to practice being a good instructor.  Fate again.

I am soooo psyched about Monday, I get to do the week all over again.  By Sunday the week is all used up, on Mondays I can make my week's schedule and see everyone I'm taking and rejoice in the awesomeness.  See you next week.

Monday, February 8th - Sunday, February 14th

FOOD:

Monday: 1 cup Fiber One (120), 2 Flatout Bread (180), Pistacchios (170), 10 oz apple slices (167), iHop chicken sandwhich with fruit bowl (440), 1077 total calories consumed, 3075 calories burned, 1998 deficit, 5 meals -- not planned, no food in fridge, moving houses, but went to the market and now I have food!!

Tuesday: Cheese wrap (230), Pistacchios (170), 14 oz apple slices (234), 2 VitaTops (200), 834 total calories consumed, 1815 calories burned, 981 deficit.

Wednesday: 10.5 oz apple slices (175), Fiber One Cereal (120), Pistacchios (170), chicken breast 6 inch Subway (320), 786 total calories consumed, 1791 calories burned, 1005 deficit

Thursday: 10.5 oz apple slices (175), cheese wrap (230), Vita Tops (100), 4 oz chicken tenderloins (110), 615 total calories consumed, 1827 calories burned, 1211 deficit. Had dinner at Applebee's, 7 oz sirloin and roasted herb potatoes.

Friday: 10.5 oz apple (175), Cheese wrap (230), Vita Top (100), 6 oz chicken tenderloins (165), 4 oz tilapia (145), 1 serving 365 organiz couscous (160), 2 matza balls (50), 1025 total calories consumed, 1791 calories burned, 766 deficit, also had a bowl of made-from-scratch soup.

Saturday: White Chocolate piece with nuts (100), Fiber One (120), apple (81), Cheese wrap (230), 2 servings fat-free milk (for coffee) (180), Pistacchios (170), 4 oz Tilapia (145), 1026 total calories consumed, 2592 calories burned, 1566 deficit

Sunday: Can exercise again !!! 2 bananas (217), Cheese wrap (230), Vita Top (100), Fiber One cereal (120), Pistacchios (170), 8 oz Tilapia (290), 1127 total calories consumed, 2130 calories burned, 1003 deficit.
Total deficits so far: Goal: 7000 for the week. 1998+981+1005+1211+766+1566+1003 = 8530 - sirloin dinner - bowl of made-from-scratch soup.



MONDAY 9a Ann Zumba Michele
MONDAY 6p Agassi Zumba Linda

Didn't have my monitor, and won't have it for Tuesday either because I have to go empty random bits and ends before the 8a class.  Taking it easy this week because during Michele and Linda I was heaving again and I've been wheezing a bit after class, so I'm going high impact but low volume.  Also taking the AFAA group certification training on Saturday so going to study for it instead of going to more classes.  Jewish speed dating tomorrow night, also.

WEDNESDAY MORNING:  So Monday night at work I was wheezing really bad.  And I got really winded during the two Zumbas.  Decided to skipt he gym until Sunday.  I hate it when doctors say things like "virus."  That doesn't help me.  Bronchitis with an ear infection I can Google, as in "is it ok to exercise with bronchitis and an ear infection."  Back when I did the 24 classes I had a head cold and wrote that it was ok to work out with a head cold but not a chest cold.  I now have a chest cold.  And it gets worse whenever I exercise, even if I felt better before.  No exercise today, no wheezing.  Slept five hours Tuesday.  Plan to sleep a lot today.  Well, as much as I can, I should study some for the AFAA test and I'm meeting Cindy from MFT school for lunch and the electrician is coming to see if he can fix the power from shutting off in the garage and then I can sleep.  So just electrician, Cindy, and test.  Kathy's teaching a TKB on Sunday so I'll be going to that as my first class back and going to attempt a high impact R39.  Took it twice at low impact so I got some sense of the moves.  Haven't been able to take it high impact yet.

And if that wasn't enough, it's that time of the month.  I hate men.  Last month it was on the 4th so it was about 4 days later.  If you're easily grossed out skip the rest of the paragraph, although I'm not going into any graphic detail.  I've never been regular, had that time of the month maybe once every few months.  Sometimes just 2-3 times a year.  When I went to the doctor about 11 years ago, they suggested birth control pills but I didn't want them.  But this has been pretty much my whole life since I was 12 or so.  Three months ago they normalized and now I have them monthly.  One more thing exercise has influenced.  I'll take this as a positive sign.  Not only are they coming every month, they come around the same time.  I like notating when it's that time of the month because it helps me keep track of it, and that's how I know the last one started on 1/4.

THURSDAY RIGHT AFTER MIDNIGHT - So I get to my face a fear.  I guess part of me went to the gym so much because I was scared of what would happen if I DIDN'T go to the gym.  Would I like the inactivity and go back?  So I'm on day 3 of my self-imposed 5-day gym ban so that I can kick this chest cold.  I would say I was breathing at 70% at rest and now I'm up to 95% or so... not better, but getting there.  Still a bit of a cold and sniffles, no wheezing at all.  Hoping three more days takes care of it.

So on Sunday, after five days of laying in bed and sitting down and no physical activity, can I go back?  Can I go back to 20 classes next week?  Can I turn the switch back on, or are the fears unfounded and there's really no going back to that previous life no matter what the circumstances?

I hate the inactivity and I wish I were going to the gym, so I'll take that as a positive sign.  I can't wait to go back.  I get to attempt Round 39 for the first time on Sunday with Kathy.  And have the AFAA test on Saturday.

THURSDAY:  I miss the gym.  Still have a cough and the sniffles.  I'm not looking to be 100% better by Sunday, just looking for the chest cold to finish migrating north to my head so that I can go back to exercising.

SATURDAY EARLY MORNING: Having food dreams.  About two days ago I had a dream and I remember I was portion-controlling, and yesterday I had a dream that I lost control and had chocolate cake.  See, there's the calories of the food.  I can eat a whole cheese pizza and have the calories have no effect on me.  But there's also the food composition.  I think about when I'm at goal and I can eat what I exercise, sometimes 3k calories a day, and go crazy and not gain a pound, but I don't think I can eat junk again.  I picture it clogging up the inside of my body and I just can't do it.  Chocolate cake has no redeeming qualities.  A piece of dark chocolate is so much better AND it helps the good cholesterol.  I wonder if once I can go back to the gym whether I will stop having these dreams.

Have slept a lot this week instead of going to the gym.  I unloaded some stuff from the car yesterday and got winded.  Not a good omen for my Sunday return to the gym.  But I decided to return to the gym no matter what on Sunday and just adjust the intensity as needed.  I will stay in the back without gloves because I don't know where my body is and I'm not sure is at the front with gloves yet.  See how much I can turn it up and just show up and do what I can each day.

On 1/30 I went to the hospital (everything fine) and that's the day I got winded durng Kelly's class, and on 1/28 is when I got winded during Nicola's class.  I've been sick at least 17 days.  This sucks.  Doctor said it may be up to a month.  I can't believe I'm getting winded going to the car and back.  And I'm not breathing right right now.  Kind of shallow again.  Sigh.  But I'm going into almost the fourth week of being sick.  I want to be back 100% and be able to use my body fully.

Still at lowest, 153.5 lbs, stuck there for 2-3 days, although body fat going down, 26.4%, almost at goal 21%.  That has to be an underestimation, no way it's that low, but at least I can track progress.


SUNDAY MORNING: Yesterday was my AFAA group fitness training and testing. I took it because I was told to as I want to be a group fitness instructor, and had no idea what the training, testing, or certification entailed. When I got there it was a bunch of technical exercise terms and performing exercises in front of people.


I had never taught a class in front of people and had a horrible case of stage fright. When we went to lunch, I went up to Lola and told her that I had already made up my mind that I wasn't going to pass the testing. She asked me why. I told her two reasons. First, it was just too much information at once that I didn't know. Two, it involved teaching a mini-segment and I wasn't mentally prepared to get over my fear of performing in front of people (something I was planning on doing, but not yet). She told me that a. I already knew everything because I had been doing it for months now and that b. I should teach her instead of the group so she'd be next to me.

We parted for lunch and I went into a bathroom stall and cried because I was overwhelmed. It was too much and I couldn't do it. I wasn't going to be able to learn it all and I wasn't going to be able to perform. I had already given up my dream of being an instructor because it was just going to be too hard and I was thinking that accountant didn't seem that bad of an alternate life career goal after all. Or maybe I would be an instructor but it would take years instead of the September 1st deadline I imposed on myself (my one-year anniversary of taking group classes at 24 Hour Fitness). I had given up. But I went into that stall, cried a little, then went to my car and sat there staring at myself in the mirror for 20 minutes. I listed all my insecurities (i.e. people would be looking at how fat I was) and then said So What. This is where I am now and this is who I am now and this is who people are going to get, whether they like it or not. I remembered all the advice I had espoused in my blog over the past couple of months and followed it. I told myself it was SUPPOSED to be a terrifying experience, and I was SUPPOSED to be freaked out. That it was just the way it was, and it was normal. I started to tell myself that I believed I could pass the certification but then stopped myself. It didn't matter whether I believed I could pass the certification or not. Believing I could do something was not a pre-requisite to doing it. It didn't matter what I believed, I was just going to do it. If I could do 24 fitness classes in one week, why couldn't I do this? If, just five weeks after not being able to run a minute and having used interval training to go up to five minutes at a time of running, one day I decided to just run half an hour straight and I did... if I could just decide to run half and hour and do it, why couldn't I do this?

I want to believe in people so that they can lean on me when they don't believe in themselves so that I can carry them until they DO believe in themselves. That is my goal in fitness. But in order to do that *I* have to do the impossible and I have to do things I don't believe I can, so that I can give that to others. I have to somehow do the extraordinary so that other people can believe they can do the extraordinary also. That's why I'm here. And I told myself that the eyes looking back at me were not the eyes of someone weak, insecure. They were the eyes of someone hungry, someone strong, someone who did what she didn't believe could be done. Someone with the Eye of the Tiger, to use a cliche. And I told myself that I was going to stare at myself until my insides were the insides of an instructor. I told myself that when I stepped out of the car, I was stepping out an instructor. And that's who stepped out of that car, an instructor. That's who entered back into the building and that's who entered back into that training room. That moment when I was staring at myself in the mirror of my car is when I became a fitness instructor.

I don't know if I passed the certification or not and won't for 4-6 weeks, but it really doesn't matter. I passed the real test, and I got a lot more out of today than a piece of paper could ever give me. I completely and unequivocally accepted myself. I got over my fear of being in front of people, something I've had my whole life. And I guess in a way I believed in myself even though I told myself that wasn't really the goal or necessary. I faced a lot of fears today. In that car I told myself I had been given an unexpected gift that day - to face a lifelong fear (of performing in front of people). It was truly a gift, and when you are given an opportunity like that, you take it.

What's the moral of this story? To never underestimate the power of believing in somebody. Because when you believe in somebody, that is when you change the world. I was gifted and blessed to have somebody believe in me when, for one reason or another, I didn't. And that is the greatest gift of all.

Health check: I should have eaten more. I've noticed that when I have negative emotions - frustrated, nervous, etc. - I tend to shut down and not eat. Next time I'll make sure to eat more. There was A LOT of physical activity involved, over 2 hours according to the BB. I wasn't planning to work out today. Got REALLY dizzy. We had to do a warm up, then a cardio, then a cool down, then a LOT of strength training exercises, then a mini-routine that we led but we had to do everyone else's routine also and there were 34 of us and each routine was 2-3 minutes. By the time we got to the routines I was extremely dizzy and coughing and nauseous and I have no idea how I stayed upright. After that was finished we studied then had a break and during the break I had an apple and felt instantly better. I have to make sure I have sugar. Or maybe it was just food and anything else would have made me feel better also. I didn't sleep much on Friday after I woke up Friday morning and I went to work on Friday, then training all day Saturday. Survived on 40 oz total of glorious coffee. Got home at 6:30p or so and had to leave for work three hours later and couldn't fall asleep. Too wound up from the events of the day. So it has been about 36 hours since I slept. I have no idea how I'm awake. I will sleep tomorrow after Dallas. Coughed a bit and of course still the dizziness. I'm going to go back to the gym but I will take it a class at a time. And I will try my hardest to not have caloric deficits over 1k. I've been bad lately when it comes to that, I just haven't been hungry. Maybe drink some protein shakes for empty calories. Will have to look into orange juice for empty calories. I am going to start making sure I have some good empty calories around in case I don't meet my goal of burned-1000. I should definitely not be having deficits of 1500+.

I need to sleep today for sure. Sleeping is the hardest thing for me, especially with all this extra energy.

152.5 lbs yesterday night, 7.5 lbs more for a normal weight, lowest so far, 24.6% body fat. I don't know what's going on with my body fat, it's just melting off this past week that I haven't gone to the gym. Could it be that the week off let the muscles grow? Seems too good to be true, I'd rather blame faulty equipment. Losing weight, losing body fat.

I used a different assisted pullup maching and according to it (100 lbs assisted, 155 lbs at the gym clothed), I've gone down to 55 lbs instead of 70 lbs. Did I lose 15 lbs of muscle-pulling ability in one week of no weights or is it just because I used a different machine? I want to go running 5K sometime this coming week so I'll test my regular machine this coming week. Two more weeks until boot camp. It's actually 19 classes a week, 76 classes in that one month. Boot Camp Tough indeed. I can't wait.

Way too much excitement for one day. Debbie out.


SUNDAY - Still sick. Had cycle this morning. Felt good to be back at the gym. I've decided to just take it a class at a time and still make my schedules but skip as necessary. I'm just going to show up to each class and see how I respond. During cycle this morning I got really winded, my breathing's not there yet. So I couldn't go as fast as I wanted. I underestimated the relationship between breathing and speed. But what really surprised me was how out of breath I got when going slow but high resistance, if anything I think that's more difficulty than really fast lower resistance and made me more breathless. So effort may have a bigger effect on exertion than speed. Something important to remember for those who can't go fast yet. Effort is much more important than fitness level, in other words. So I burned somewhere betwene 300 and 400 calories according to the BB.


Tomorrow Monday I get to eat a lot !! Well, going to see how many classes I last through. But if I can make it through all four, I'm expecting 2800-3000 calories burned for the day, 1800-2000 calories eaten. Can't wait!! Going to ear about 270 calories by the time I get home. Awesomeness. 5.6 oz chicken tenderloins and a cup of Fiber One cereal. I'm really getting to like the Fiber One cereal, I eat it dry straight out from the box. Making serving baggies has been awesome for the Pistacchios, Fiber One, and apples. And the scale is making it a lot easier to calculate calories, especially for the Cous Cous. I've been overestimating calories, i.e. underestimating portion sizes, i.e. I have been assigning more calories than actual to what I've been eating, so now I can eat more for the same calories, so to speak.

I'm confident I won't hurt my body, though, so I'm not skipping the gym anymore. I cough more when I exercise but now I wonder if that's actually bad or good, when you think about it. It clears you out quicker. So more coughing might be good. Not so much wheezing but it was only one class. I wasn't TOO dizzy this morning, the difficulty breathing was the main complain.

My goal when I exercise sick is to stay upright, so I go as hard as I can while having that goal in mind, so I pull back a lot and go about 80%. If I go 100% while sick the only way out of the room is in a stretcher, so I don't allow myself to go 100%. You can tell when you're going to cross the treshold into now knowing if your body is going to hold out or not.

Plan on running 5K Wednesday. Mom left for Venezuela on Sunday morning, no idea when she's coming back.

Debbie out.  See you next week.

Monday, February 1st, 2010 - Sunday, February 7th, 2010

FOOD:  Lowering the calories to make up for the lack of exercise but won't go below 1200.

Monday: 5.5 oz cod (128), cheese wrap (250), apple slices (240), Pistacchios (170), 2 protein bars (360), chicken tenderloins (165), 1313 total calories consumed, 2269 total calories burned, 956 deficit, 7 meals.


Tuesday: 2 protein bars (360), cheese wrap (250), chicken tenderloins (165), 12 oz salmon (442), fruit drink (110), 1327 total calories consumed, 2344 total calories burned, 1017 deficit, 7 meals.

Wednesday: 100 grapes (200), cheese wrap (250), 4 oz salmon (237), apple slices (240), Pistacchios (170), 3 oz tuna fillet (157), 1250 total calories consumed, 2644 total calories burned, 1394 deficit, 7 means

Thursday: Cheese wrap (250), 2 apple slices (480), Pistacchios (170), protein bar (180), 8 oz chicken tenderloins (220), 1300 total calories consumed, 2368 total calories burned, 1068 deficit, 7 meals.

Friday: Cheese wrap (250), apple slices (240), Fiber One cereal (120), 1 lb tilapia (580), Shakeology (140), 1330 total calories consumed, 2588 total calories burned, 1258 deficit, 7 meals

Saturday: Fiber One Cereal (120), 2 apple slices (480), protein bar (180), 8 oz chicken (220), cheese wrap (250), 1250 total calories consumed, 2588 total calories burned (!!, same as yesterday to the calorie), 1338 deficit, 6 meals

Sunday: 1.5 Fiber One cereal (180), four Flatout bread Light (360), Pistacchios (170), protein bar (180), apple slices (240), 4 oz chicken tenderloins (110), 1240 total calories consumed, 2663 total calories burned, 1423 deficit, 8 meals
9010 total calories consumed, 17464 total calories burned, 8454 deficit, 49 meals

Average of 1287 calories a day consumed, 2494 calories a day burned, 1207 deficit, 7 meals

MONDAY 9a Sahara TurboKick Beth  Didn't have the Polar, the BodyBugg says I burned 282 calories, went low-impact because of sickness, blog talks about this).  First time doing R39, talk about it below.

Three weeks until my TKB and HHH certifications (the HHH being worthless for me right now as I'll never use it but you never know and it's here in Vegas might as well take it).  Really excited about being able to buy TKB rounds and teaching TKB.

Waiting for the doctor's office to open to make an appointment.

----

MONDAY NIGHT: STILL sick. I don't know what's wrong. I went to TKB this morning and did what I could. I can't go high impact even if I want to, the dizziness prevents me, and I'm still not breathing well. Still having chest pains. And now I feel lousy, too, up to Saturday (the last day I was able to go high impact) I was feeling great. Couldn't get in to see the doctor today but I have an appointment for tomorrow at 10a. I have another TKB class tomorrow at 8a and plan to do what I can again. Didn't have my heart rate monitor this morning but the BB said I burned around 282, which I was pleased with as I was just pretty much standing there just moving my arms. The dizziness made it very hard to bend and so I didn't do any bending and stayed standing the whole class (not that there much bending, mostly one exercise where you squat down then push your legs back, which just happens to be my favorite exercise ever but I couldn't do it).


This was my first time with Round 39, and I'm in love with it. I don't really remember round 37 but really fell in love with round 38 (which I would say we started about a month after I started the group classes) and loved the Turbo, and didn't think I was going to like 39 (because it wasn't 38), but I am thoroughly pleased. The Turbo's awesome too. I really like the intensity, I would say it's higher intensity than 38. I was looking for ways to raise the intensity and found none, the whole round is solid and at a good intensity. I really can't wait to go full force with it.

I stayed in the back corner of class trying to hide out. I don't care exercising in the front but I don't want to set a bad example for other people. If I had something physical, i.e. a cast, I would, just to show you can exercise with a cast, but if it's something internal that cannot be easily seen it's different. I realized something, I don't really care about my size, but about how hard I can go in class. The harder I go the better I feel and the lower intensity I have to take, the fatter I feel, and I felt fat this morning.

Still moving, and today was pretty much a waste as I get winded getting out of bed. I'm not getting to the heaving part because I can't put out enough exertion to get there. A lot more dizzy laying in bed, sitting, standing. Trouble breathing even when laying down. Not so much gasping for air but more of a shallow breathing and I can tell I'm not breathing right or fully. So I have four days left to move 2 rooms and what's left of another, the bathroom, and the DVD tower in the hallway. I really want to get back to normal quick.

Other people at the gym have had sicknesses and injuries and I realized a few months ago how good it was to be healthy and able to exercise and enjoyed being able to move, so that if I'm able to move, it's my duty. Now I doubly appreciate it, and I can't wait to be able to exercise again. I miss it. In the same week I gained a major stressor (moving), fell sick, and lost my stress relief (exercise). So I'm allowing myself a little stress over it. I don't know if I have a cold, allergies, stress, or something else, but something is definitely physically wrong with me right now. I don't think it's dust because it started last week and it has been a slow but steady progression, and I started getting visibly winded on Thursday during Nicola, but noticed trouble breathing even before that earlier in the week. The dizziness started around Friday and the chest pains Saturday, when I went to the ER. EKG and chest X-ray normal, 98% oxygen saturation, BP something like 107/58, no fever, bloodwork (electrolytes and sugar) normal. Pretty much I have the body of a healthy young woman, I just can't use it. The doctor tomorrow better not tell me I'm fine. They also checked for a lung embolism (blood clot) in my lungs, found none.

Tuesday 8a Ann TurboKick Michele 57/405/50, 164/87, 125/66
Tuesday 5:30p Ann Lift Kathy 57/298/60, 129/68, 110/58

I was surprised I burned that many during TKB, I was expecting 250, not almost at capacity.  I was able to go high impact maybe 10% of the class, I can't imagine this round when I'm all better and going at 100%.  It's a 600 round for sure if it's a 400 round at 60% capacity.

So I went to the doctor and he said I have a virus.  My eardrums are thinned out and pulled back, especially the right ear, causing the dizziness.  Airways constricted, causing the difficulty to breathe.  The chest pains are because viruses constrict the chest walls or something, so it's the actual chest that hurts, not the heart or anything like that.  Low impact for another week or two then I should be able to go high impact, gone in 3-4 weeks.  Recommends I don't take it high impact right away because that will just delay the healing, but sees nothing wrong in taking it up by Saturday of next week or so.  Offered a bronchodilator but it was just for the symptoms, doesn't actually heal in any way, so I declined it.  I prefer not to take medicine unless necessary, and I'd rather deal with a symptom for a week or so than take medicine if the symptom is not that bothersome.

The dizziness is still very prominent, and he said my right ear is worse than my left, and I did notice during Lift today that I had more trouble when I was lunging with my right leg in front than the left.

Losing last week and this week of running, trying to pick it up by Wednesday of next week at Week 4 and I should finish by the third week of March, giving me the whole month of April to run the whole thing and really prepare.  Really hoping I can just go back to the 3/5/3/5 instead of having to start at week one.

So the dizziness is not helping the packing, but I'm determined to give it one last hurrah tomorrow and Thursday and finish with it.  Room tomorrow (today, I guess, since it's just after midnight), garage Thursday, corridor and bathroom Friday, sleep in the new home for the first time Friday.  So it's really two more nights in the old house.

Had a bit over a 1k caloric deficit today, making me 33 calories below the 2k goal for the week so far.  I have cycle and Zumba today so maybe I can make up the calories.  It's very hard to go low impact and still have a 1k daily deficit.  Kind of stuck between 156-157 lbs, which I'm happy taking into consideration the almost non-existant level of activity.  If I can hover around 156 and then come back full force in another week, I'll be happy.  Losing two weeks or so to the virus.  My goal is to be at 110 lbs by September 1st, the anniversary of starting the group classes (not going to make it by 7/3, the anniversary of when I started exercising, just had too much to lose).  at 157, that's 47 lbs in 30 weeks (22 weeks until my workout anniversary), or 1.56 lbs a week, and right now I have high 80s low 90s (~1.8X, ~1.9X lbs a week) making it very doable.  And the thinner I get, the harder I can go, and the running will help, and once I'm in better shape all the hiking and mountain climbing/biking and biking in general, etc.  And I'm going to start a boot camp within the next month, that should kick things up a notch.  It meets all throughout the week and it's a hardcore outside fitness experience.  $150 a month unlimited classes, and I can make about 15 classes a month, making it $10 or so a class.  Maybe I can make more classes if I skip the gym lifting on Saturday and see how it goes muscle-wise, they do have a lot of strength-training drills, so if this could be a possible schedule:

Thursdays and Fridays, there's a class at 5a and one at 6a, I can try and make it through as much as I can of both, so that could be 4 classes right there. Saturday there's a 7.30-9a class which would interfere with Lift but I wasn't crazy about that Lift class anyway, not sad to see it go, and in time to make Kelly's TKB. That's 5 classes. Everyday there's also a 6p class. Monday there's Linda so that's a no. Tuesday I could drop Donalin's since I have her for Wednesday Zumba, thinking of dropping her Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday classes and keeping just Wednesday, because I'm trying to vary it a bit, been taking her a lot for months now. So I could make it Tuesday to the class, making it six. Wednesday, that's Wednesday Night Zumba (see what I did there), so that's a no for boot camp. Thursday I could go, and also Friday, making it weight a week. So it would look this this:


THURSDAY 5a
THURSDAY 6a
FRIDAY 5a
FRIDAY 6a
SATURDAY 7.30a
TUESDAY 6p
THURSDAY 6p
FRIDAY 6p

That would make it 32 classes a month, or $4.68 a class. If at the beginning I can't hold out the double-classes, that would be 24 classes a month, or $6.25 a class. And it wouldn't interfere too much with the gym, just Donalin's clases. And I would have to drop Glen's Lift on Tuesdays, which I was thinking of doing, and sticking with Rachel on Mondays for Lift. I only took him once, so better now than later, although I still will take him 2-3 more times before I start the boot camp.

Just found out Kathy will do a TKB on Sunday at 9a at Craig next week, will have to take Dallas on Wednesday and Friday instead and scoot over to Kathy. I miss her TKBs. I like to go to the classes as much for each instructor's personality and idle banter as for the workout. I should be able to go all out by then.

The more I think about the boot camp, the more I like it, I like to be challenged. And they have sessions in which they measure pushups, situps, running, etc, so I'm going to make one of those my first session and see what improvement there is after a month. There's something really appetizing about working out outdoors and doing something different all the time. And if the only casualties are Glen and Saturday Lift, I'm good. Could be worse.

Here's a possible schedule once the move is done and I'm back to normal: (already accounting for the boot camp)
MONDAY 9a Ann Zumba Michele
MONDAY Noon Agassi Lift Rachel
MONDAY 4:30p Cheyenne SET Kathy
MONDAY 6p Agassi Zumba Linda
TUESDAY 8a Ann TKB Michele
TUESDAY 9a Cheyenne TKB Rachel (arrive a bit late)
TUESDAY 10a Cheyenne Pilates Rachel
WEDNESDAY 8a Ann Cycle Dallas
WEDNESDAY 6:30p Craig Zumba Donalin
THURSDAY 8a Ann SET Beth
THURSDAY 10a Agassi TKB Rachel
THURSDAY Noon Cheyenne Lift Rachel
THURSDAY 5:30p Ann Zumba Michele/Ginger (they alternate)
FRIDAY 8a Ann Cycle Dallas
FRIDAY 10a Trop TKB Beth
SATURDAY 10a Agassi TKB Kelly
SUNDAY 9a Sahara Cycle Dallas

17 classes, have to give up 3 gym classes to add 8 bootcamp classes. Good trade. And Wednesday is kind of open. I think just the boot camp will be a workout enough, so the gym's just icing on the cake, and other than the cycle and the Lift (the cycle for the triathlon, the Lift to avoid losing muscle) I can skip the other classes.

There's a combo at Trop on Friday mornings that I want to try out, Fabian 9a, Megan 10a. That means skipping Beth and Dallas, though, so I think I'll stick with what I have for now and just do that combo if Beth ever has a sub (since I take Dallas two other times a week).

Linda does a TKB Tuesdays at 10a that I want to try out. I don't know if I'll just give up Tuesdays TKB and Pilates for now and just do Michele and Linda, since I really enjoyed Linda's TKB, and then go back to Kathy's TKB in May when she comes back, that gives me about 12 weeks with Linda. Will probably end up doing that.

Did I mention I'm really looking forward to the boot camp?

Needless to say I've gone gloveless.  Kelly advised I take the gloves off while I was doubled over heaving on Saturday but I politely refused.  I will have to be pretty bad off for me to ever take my gloves off during a class again, and doubled over heaving isn't even close.  I wonder now if that Saturday the week before last when I took my gloves off was the virus starting.  I noticed it some during Megan, so that's even before that Saturday, on the Thursday of the week before last, and I -really- noticed it during Nicola on Thursday (of last week), and then I was heaving all over the place Saturday (of last week) during Kelly.  Sunday during Dallas I went low-impact, and also Monday during Beth and Tuesday during Michele and Kathy.  Today is officially Day 4 of going low-impact.  So it's been a slow progression with feeling worse and worse.  This morning my right ear bothers me, I have some stomach aches, I feel feverish and have a mild headache, and still with the shallow breath and chest pains.  And dizzy of course.

So the gloves are staying off for now, I really need to go low-impact until I kick this, and it seems I'm still going downward and haven't started getting better yet, as I'm still seeing new symptoms.  It's funny because I have the dizziness and shortness of breath and chest pain and stomach ache and headache and feel feeverish but I feel the symptoms, I don't actually feel that bad myself, i.e. I don't have that feeling of malaise, so other than each specific symptom, I feel pretty good.

Apparently my ears have to "pop" before the dizziness goes away, and my right eardrum is not perforated but really thin but I should not worry about it, all according to doctor.

Cycle and Zumba today, so even at low impact, I should be able to eat a couple hundred calories more today and still reach 3000 for all three days.

Cycle time!!

Wednesday 8a Ann Cycle Dallas 54/486/40, 167/88, 144/76


I was able to go high impact this morning and it felt absolutely wonderful to be able to use my body again.  It feels good to exert it, to feel it move, to feel it fight against exhaustion and pain (good pain).  It feels good to use it and to feel it move at my command.  This morning was one of my most enjoyable exercise experiences ever.  I felt on top of the world.

If I can go high impact during Zumba today I may wear the gloves tomorrow.  I think a huge difference on why I went high impact today was because I lost the fear of doing something to my body as I now know it's just a virus and the worst that may happen is that I'll be a bit sick for another week, i.e. it's not a more serious medical condition that can really be worsened by exercise.  I think this psychologically gave me permission to go all out while still sick.  I was able to stand up on the bike and all (I stayed seated on Sunday, I don't think I've mentioned this before) and found that if I just grabbed on to the handlebars hard enough I could be dizzy but still do anything I wanted on the bike.  Just made sure not to let go of the handlebars.  Not sure how the dizziness will play out in Zumba.  I think once the dizziness goes away the other symptoms will be easier to deal with and fight through.

I am making a conscious choice to go high impact right now even though it may delay the healing, but it's a conscious choice.  I'd rather have five weeks of sickly high impact then two weeks of low impact, a week of sickly impact, and then well.  I will trade off a longer recovery period for the ability to exercise now.  But I feel a lot better now so I think the exercise will end up helping it.  Although this morning wiped me out and I slept from 10 until after two (which is a lot for me).

Wednesday 6:30p Craig Zumba Donalin 55/510/40, 165/87, 146/77


I'm BAAAAAAACK.  SO good to be able to exercise again.  Still dizzy but balance good enough to move while standing.  Still got all symptoms but now that I know it's nothing serious, I can push through them.  It feels so good to move and I'm so grateful I can push myself again.  I am going to exercise this virus away.  Tomorrow trying the gloves and if one or two gloved classes go well moving to the front.  Got a bit of nausea also now.  Definitely sick but I don't care anymore.  Monday restart my 20 classes a week, finishing the move this week and giving myself breathing room to get a bit better before adding volume again.  I can BEND again!!  I can pretty much do anything now, and it felt so weird not being able to those three days.

Good day.  Good day.

Plan to do the third day of week 4 of running this Friday and pick it back up from there.  So only lost a week.  All in all it could have been worse.



Thursday Noon Cheyenne Lift Rachel 58/204/60, 132/70, 109/58
Thursday 5:30p Ann Zumba Michele 59/188/60, 139/74, 112/59


Well, gone again.  Lift shouldn't have similar numbers to Zumba.  During Lift I started getting out of breath.  Trouble breathing and dizziness are the main symptoms now.  I was able to bend but that was gone by Zumba.  I was going to wear the weighted gloves to Zumba because of being able to go high impact yesterday but I reconsidered after Lift, and I'm glad.  Zumba knocked the air out of me and I barely moved.  Felt chest pressure and difficulty breathing.  And during both I get tired easily and out of breath easily and it's harder to get air in.

Why go to the gym at all?  Well, to Lift it's to preserve whatever muscle I have.  I hear horror stories of losing tons of lean mass by staying home sick and I'm not going to let that happen.  To cardio, I don't really know.  I guess 118 calories burned (extra) is better than none.  And I think I may be scared that if I stop one day, I won't go back.  It's the symbolism of going to the gym, mostly, even if I can't do much.  At least I went, and did what I could, at whatever level I was.  I usually modify up, now I'm learning to modify down.  Maybe this is a great experience to prepare me for all levels when I teach.  I was thankful when Michele gave us some lower-impact moves.  Jumping is out of the question, exacerbates the dizziness too much and wipes me out cardiovascularly.  Can't bend.  Get too dizzy.  I went down for a second set of stretches at the end because I stuck out like a sore thumb being the only person standing up for the first set, and it was very hard to come back up because of the dizziness.  Sore thumb it is next time.  My body is very good at letting me know at what level I can go, all I have to do is listen and follow along.  Still in the back, the front may be a couple of weeks off.  But this virus is so unpredictable, I'm just reassessing it day by day.

I think it's very easy to go back, and I get scared that I really haven't changed at all.  It's very easy to go back to no exercise and eating whatever I want.  So I have to follow my routine of good diet and exercise.  Hitting my 1k goals even with the reduced exercise, which I'm thankful for.  It's very hard to manage your weight while sick and without exercising.  And I do love the feeling of using my body, and really miss it when I can't.  I've gone two weeks with just 12 classes and I'm scared I won't be able to take it to 20 again, even though I want to.

I like Dallas high-impact, hope I can do that tomorrow.  I still haven't done R39 high impact.  I get two more chances this week.

Debbie (down and) out.

FRIDAY MORNING:  Wonder if I can go high impact today.  Still sick, little bit of dizziness (laying down), some chest pains, little bit of a headache, shallow breathing.  Did some packing yesterday night and felt awful, yesterday was a bad sick day.  Gained half a lb over lowest, lost .5 % body fat, down to 28.7.  Still straddling that line between being brave and being stupid.  But I think I physically can either go high impact or not, I'm not sure it's a mental choice per se.  If I can, I go, if I can't, I don't (and can't, even if I wanted to).

Friday 8a Ann Cycle Dallas 58/176/60, 140/74, 100/53
Friday 10a Trop TKB Beth


Back down.  Got really dizzy during Dallas.  Still having difficulty breathing.  Tried to go up off the seat at the beginning of class and came back down, tried again, back down.  I'm not going to push it to the point of feeling faint, the point of exercising is to feel good, and when I went high impact on Wednesday it felt GOOD.  Today it didn't feel good.  Tried to go faster sitting down, couldn't do that either, so just pedaled slowly the whole class.  Didn't go to Beth, having accomplished my one class a day to keep my New Year's resolution of going to at least one class a day.

Still feel the same while moving.  Today is a down day, wondering what tomorrow will bring.  Almost a week and I haven't been able to try R39 full impact, looking forward to that.  Got really sad when I couldn't join the rest of the class today in going hard at it, I miss that even when it's only been a couple of days.


Wanted to amend a line from this morning.  Straddling the line between being hardcore and stupid.  Don't really think brave fits, hardcore's a better word.

Trying to pack but I keep dropping stuff on the floor, taking a break.

FRIDAY NIGHT: House packed, movers come in tomorrow. Someone told me moving is one of life's stop stressors, right next to losing a loved one. Wish someone had told me that weeks ago.


Got REALLY nauseated right before coming to work, I don't know what that was all about. Still have it a little bit (maybe more than a little bit). I've lost my appetite a bit. I forgot to report a few days ago that I finally had the lowered appetite of someone sick, so even though I couldn't exercise as much, I wasn't eating as much, but that didn't even last through the afternoon. Been eating about 1300 calories a day, still lower than my 1500+ but high enough to insure the metabolism keeps going. But right now I don't really feel like eating and I haven't eaten since 8:30p.

Can't do a class tomorrow, so I'm going to do an hour on the bike instead. Same thing I did today. That way I can be with the movers in the morning, go to a BeachBody party thing in the afternoon, and then do the bike afterwards, then get a couple of hours rest. Then worry about the garage on Sunday.

Nothing much to report, other than the nausea. That's the highlight of the afternoon/night. In a couple of weeks the move will be over, I can rejoin the gym, life will be good again. Right now just a wee bit stressful.


SATURDAY MORNING - going to skip the gym today but I am going to get at least one weights class in tomorrow to make it three weights this week.  I'm going to change my New Year's Resolution from one gym class a day to at least 60 minutes of exercise a day, which the BodyBugg records.  I think that's better and it frees me up to do other stuff like going hiking one day and takes into consideration just walking or biking around or swimming or such.

SATURDAY EVENING - Well, lots to write about.  On the couch in the new house, organizing.  Let's recount the day.  It started at midnight, and between midnight and 8a I ate a cup of FiberOne cereal.  I started yesterday.  About 28 grams of fiber, over the daily recommended value.  Plus the fiber I get everywhere else.  Drank more than usual but not by much.  I normally don't drink much water while at rest, just when exercising (and didn't drink a lot before I started exercising).  Around 8:30a I get home, start getting last-minute stuff put away before movers get here at 9a.  Eat a cheese wrap.  Start moving and everything going well.  Around 11:30a I realize I haven't slept since 4p the day before (I work nights and I spent all afternoon/early night on Friday packing the TV room), so I grab one of the energy drinks I bought at the gas station.

I know you want to get ahead of the story, but let's hold on a second.  I've had energy drinks before (not like Rockstar but like the 4-hour energy ones).  The first time I had the one that advertises 4-hour energy in the yellow and red bottle, I felt heart palpitations and then later felt like I would never again sleep in my whole entire life even if I wanted to, which made me sad because I felt like I lost the ability to sleep.  I did eventually sleep again.  This time I had already taken one energy drink from another brand and it didn't give me the jitters, it just kept me up and alert, which is the perfect combination.  A couple of days later drank the red/yellow 4- hour one and it did NOTHING for me, not even a buzz.  Today, this morning, I tried a third brand.  Tasted horrible.  Threw the bottle away and walked to the living room.  My stomach cramped up.  I doubled over and sat on a table, clutching my stomach.  Something was wrong, it didn't agree with me at all.  Then I felt like there was a river of fiery lava starting in the center of my skull and emanating in huge bloody cascades off my ears.  I literally stuck my right index finger into my right ear, took it out, and looked at it, certain it would be covered by blood because it felt like blood was pouring out of my head through my ears.  There was no blood.  There must be blood.  None.  It was then my nephew said I was red.  Ran to the bathroom and indeed I was red as a tomato.  My whole head.  Even my arms started getting red.  I started drinking lots of water and wondering if my head was about to explode.  Kept drinking water and eventually the hotness disappeared (after half an hour or so, though).  Then there came the chills.  I was freezing and shaking and cold, the cold that you feel in the bones.  Even with a blanket and sweater I was freezing.  That lasted half an hour or so.  Then there was a feeling of the center of my chest being crushed.  I wasn't worried about my heart (too much) because both sides of my chest were being crushed, not just the left.  That lasted half an hour or so.  Then just felt bad for another half hour or so, making the whole hot-cold-pain-bad experience around two hours.  Kept drinking water and it slowly flushed out of my system.  Turns out me and 250% the daily recommended dose of Niacin don't mix.  But my sinuses opened up wonderfully and I think the Niacin killed the virus or heated it or scared it away, because while I still feel somewhat sick, it's a different kind of sick (convalescing?) and not the virus sick I had the day before.  Right now (Saturday night) still feel it drove away most of the virus.  And Niacin's kind of trippy.  So it was a unique experience.  1-6 g of Niacin is toxic and I had 50mg (.05 g) of it, so it was nowhere near a toxic dose, but still mind-blowing.  I have never experienced anything like that before.  Feel like virus will be gone by Monday (and so will the moving, tomorrow we finish the garage and we're done).  Thinking of restarting normal gym routine Monday.

REALLY love the new house.  Unpacking.

SUNDAY RIGHT AFTER MIDNIGHT - I am feeling GREAT right now physically, I really think I melted the virus away with the Niacin.  I mean I still have a slight cought and sniffles, but nothing like a couple of days ago.  I forgot to mention that right after I went to the doctor I started getting "normal" "flu" symptoms - runny nose, congestion, sniffles, etc.  Up to the doctor I had none of those, associated with a head flu, hence I was taken aback by the chest flu since I can't remember the last time I had a chest flu, if ever.  If I ever get another one again I can just go to the doctor right away and confirm it's a chest flu and not worry about it.  But the Niacin was just wonderful and blasted it away, looking to restart regular gym Monday.

Today the plan is to get the garage moved to the storage, have a free month of storage, get to sort the items in the garage for the month, then take what I want to keep home.  $20 for the truck, $20 an hour for the movers, $20 tip both.  Then going to see if I go to a bar to watch the Super Bowl, then off to bed to catch a few zzzzzs for a few hours, and do my running around the neighborhood sometimes today, good test to check if I'm there physically.  All in all coming back, that Niacin may be the best thing that happened to the virus.  Unintended cure.  My body's been through a lot these couple of weeks, time to nurture it a bit and maybe sleep a lot Wednesday and Thursday along with gym and unpacking.

I love the new house.  I'm going to have an exercise area, a business/marketing area, and a writing area.

So on Saturday I didn't go to the gym and I didn't do weights or cardio. And I burned the exact same number of calories I did the day before, to the calorie, when I DID go to one class at the gym. So my new goal is one hour of activity per the BB, which I did have (I had over two hours on Friday and 1:25 on Saturday). So I can be active outside of the gym. I was burning over 100 calories an hour, today went down to about 80 an hour. 60 an hour is about my lowest. But I have running and moving the garage. 9185 steps, most of those going up and down stairs loading stuff into the trucks and cars.


During March, April, and May I won't go to 24HF. During March I will do Boot Camp Las Vegas and during April and May I am doing 60 days of Insanity, and I want to isolate the results. Then I will rejoin 24HF in June. Then around July 3rd audition to teach and hopefully teach my first class by September first. That's a good schedule. I think it's time to leave the gym for a bit and take my fitness outside and then inside, both physically and figuratively, as it's going to be hard to exercise by myself.

Going to try an accelerated running program. Starting boot camp on 3/2. I really want to finish the program, though. I know I can run 5 minutes, have one day of week 4 left.

So weeks 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 * 3 = 15 + 1 = 16.

7 9 11 13 15 17 19 21 23 25 27 1

That's 12 days left and 16 days to do. But week 9 is just running 30, and week is just running 28 three times. So if I get rid of week 9 that's 13 days, and if I substitute the last day of week 8 for 30, I can do it all.

2/7 W4D3 J3 W90 J5 W2.5 J3 W90
2/9 W5D1 J5 W3 J5 W3 J5
2/11 W5D2 J8 W5 J8
2/13 W5D3 J20
2/15 W6D1 J5 W3 J8 W3 J5
2/17 W6D2 J10 W3 J10
2/19 W6D3 J25
2/21 W7D1 J25
2/23 W7D2 J25
2/24 W7D3 J25
2/25 W8D1 J28
2/27 W8D2 J28
3/1 FINAL J30

That way I can finish the program and still get BC going. I think I can physically run 30 minutes right now, so it's just taking care of the mental. It's going to be great having this new neighborhood because I don't have to drive anywhere to run. And it will prepare for the real road, hot, cold, etc. Although it own't get too hot by 3/1.

Time to take fitness outside of the gym. This move was good because it allowed me to see how the improvement in fitness can be applied in real life.

MONDAY JUST AFTER MIDNIGHT: I was getting stressed out about finishing the C25K program, and then out of the blue I decided to just try and just do the 30 minutes in a row now. That way I could get it over with. And am I in better physical shape than I give myself credit for? What's the difference between the previous, current, and next step?


But let me set up the stage a little bit before we begin. I had a chest virus for about two weeks or so, with dizzines, difficulty breathing, and chest pains. It finally went away when I ingested way too much Niacin, which made me hot for 30 minutes, cold for 30, in pain for 30, feel bad for 30 more. On Friday I slept 2-4 hours because I spent most of the day packing my room, then went to work, spent Saturday actually moving the stuff to the new house, slept a couple of hours, went to work, then spent Sunday doing the garage, slept a couple of hours, here we are. My back was killing me, I had slept about six hours in the last three days, and had spent over 15 hours in moving activities. That's when I decided to run the 30 minutes. It was really spur of the moment. So I went over to LVAC, and there was something chilly about the eyes that looked back at me when I looked in the mirror. The intensity, assuredness, tenacity, and belief that anything was possible.

Since my dad died, I have experienced moments in which I kind of know I will do something. Not clairvoyance, I don't see the future, it's more of I know how this turns out. One example was Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. I usually didn't fast, but this was the first one post-dad-dead. And I didn't set out to fast to honor him or G-d or anything like that, and I didn't even set out to fast. Part of me "knew" I was going to fast. It wasn't me making a choice, it was me finding out how something ended that had already been determined. Same thing with the 24 classes in one week at 24HF, I knew I would make it, same thing with the running. As soon as I started running I knew I was going to do it, and it was great, I was along for the ride for something special. I wanted to just go out on a Sunday night and do something special and I did. I started the C25K program 5 weeks ago. Prior to that I couldn't run more than a minute. And I did the three days each of weeks one, two and three, and for week four I did two days before I got sick. So I was up to running five minutes at a time. And I just went for it. From not being able to run a minute to running 30 minutes straight in five weeks, two of those sick.
After the run I felt kind of woozy and lightheaded like when you're drunk. Towards the end my vision kind of blurred and I was wondering which would happen first, whether I would finish or faint first (I finished first). When I got in the car I let out my "battle cry in glee." Kind of deja-vuish.
Why did I do this? Because I want the body to do things the mind can't. I want the body to overtake the mind. And I want to push people to do things they can't. And what I really want to do is to have a belief so strong in somebody that they can lean in that belief while they do THEIR impossible until they are ready to believe themselves. That's what I want to do, believe in people until they can do it themselves. I want to shatter misconceptions, limits, mental barriers.
But I thought today the body was going to do what the mind couldn't but actually both worked pretty well together, I knew I could and I did it no problem. What's funny is that I saw Karen on the track and said "Sorry trying to run" as I ran past her and it wasn't until a minute later that I was surprised that my subconscious was "trying to run" while my conscious was "running" and that my subconscious wasn't as sure of itself (but maybe that's normal?)
I've noticed I'm a lot more outgoing and sure of myself. I was at work a couple of days ago and a co-worker thought I dropped something on the floor but then couldn't find it, and I told her it was "the shadow of my awesomeness." New Debbie jokes like that. New Debbie does things. ND looks for new impossibles to make possible. Zumba in particular is helping me a lot with the self-consciousness and also in getting comfortable in my own body.
I've been losing weight in my face lately and it's very noticeable. I look in the mirror and physically don't recognize who's looking back at me. It's not pudgy and soft and cushy, it's lean and strong as steel. The one thing that STILL refuses to go? The stomach. 49ish-40ish so far.
So I became a runner today, or maybe I was already a runner and I just didn't know it. What does this mean? No idea. How is this going to change me? I think I am developing a deep unbending determination to achieve my goals.
Debbie out (for now). Niacin 1, Virus 0.

Monday, January 25th, 2010 - Sunday, January 31st, 2010

Food: 

Monday: Cheese wrap (250), Apple slices (240), 2 protein bars (360), 3 oz chicken tenderloins (175), 2 servings rice (480), total 1505 calories, 2424 calories burned, 919 deficit


Tuesday: Cheese wrap with extra cheese (300), Iced Oatmeal Cinnamon Roll (220), Pistacchios (170), protein bar (180), chicken tenderloins (605), total 1475 calories, 2666 calories burned, 1191 deficit

Wednesday: 2 cheese wraps (500), apple slices (240), 1.5 grapefruit cups (180), Pistacchios (170), 2 protein bars (360), chicken tenderloins (330), total 1780 calories, 3039 calories burned, 1259 deficit

Thursday: Cheese wrap (250), protein drink (180), 2 Pistacchios (340), 2 protein bars (360), chicken tenderloins (330), total 1460, 3243 burned, 1783 deficit

Friday: Cheese wrap (250), apple slices (240), IHOP Simply Chicken For Me with fruit bowl (440), 2 servings Pistacchios (340), 3 protein bars (540), chicken tenderloins (220), total 2030, 3421 burned, 1391 deficit

Saturday: Cheese wrap (250), 2 apple slices (480), Pistacchios (170), 2 protein bars (360), chicken tenderloins (220), total 1480, 2714 burned, 1234 deficit

Sunday: Apex Fit bar (210), 1.5 oz cod (35), cheese wrap (250), 2 apple slices (480), Egg Beaters (150), Pistacchios (170), protein bar (180), chicken tenderloins (332), total 1807 calories, 2162 burned, 355 deficit

Total calories consumed: 11537
Total calories burned: 19669
Total weekly deficit: 8132 calories
I'm still going to keep stats with the Polar for each class but I'm not going to use them to calculate them, just the BodyBugg.  I did an example day (in a previous blog) and it was pretty close, difference of 20 calories, pretty much spot on.  I do like the Polar because it lets me know peak and average heart rates.
______________________________________________________

 Modified gym schedule (moving houses):

MONDAY 9a Ann Zumba Michele 59/558/40, 166/88, 147/78
TUESDAY 10a Trop TurboKick Linda 60/602/35, 178/94, 152/80
TUESDAY 5:30p Ann Lift Glen 52/312/55, 152/80, 118/62

Packing this week in order to move houses, hating every minute of it.  Got my No Complaining for 30 Days Bracelet and decided not to wait until the move is over.  Thought long and hard about the blog and decided that complaining is allowed here and it wouldn't count about the bracelet, because this blog is about chronicling the journey, whatever the journey turns out to be.

Cutting down on the classes this week to have time to move.  11 classes instead of 20, and hating every minute of it.  6 cardio, 3 lift, 2 cycle.  I noticed I feel like eating more this week.  But I'm not letting myself do it.  I went over 200 cals over one day and decided that was it, no more.  Kept to 1500 yesterday and today, going lower the whole week (1500 instead of 1625 average) because of the lower level of exercise.  Burning around 2500 calories a day or close to it.  I noticed how much I rely on the classes to be my stress reliever, and the lower number of classes and the stress from the move is making me want to eat.  The same things, but more of it.  Increased stress and lowered stress reliever is not a good mix.  But I got a handle on it now, and realized what was going on pretty quickly.

Had Linda for TKB and it was absolutely awesome.  I love the HAs and grunts.  Each instructor has their own distinct personality that comes through in the classes.  Wonder how I will do.  I'm going to start alternating Rachen/Kathy and Linda on Tuesday mornings from now on.  On days I have Linda I can stay for the whole duration of Michele's TKB because there's an hour in-between.

Had Glen (Michele's husband) for Lift today, and liked it.  Thinking of doing Glen on Tuesdays instead of Rachel and keeping Rachel for Thursday Lift.  Thinking of replacing Rachel's Thursday TKB with Megan's Thursday Zumba.  Trying to get as many instructors in a week as I can.  Took me a long time to go ahead and replace Rachel, but I think the larger variety will be good, and I still have her for Lift and every other week for Tuesday TKB.  Thinking of replacing Friday's Donalin with Zumba Mary (and Tuesday's Donalin with Glen's Lift and Nicola's Zumba).  Will probably replace Thursday's Donalin also to get one more instructor in.  Trying to keep any one instructor to once a week.  That'd get me 19-20 instructors a week.

Debbie out.


WEDNESDAY 8a Ann Cycle Dallas 55/516/40, 168/89, 147/78
WEDNESDAY 10a Ann Zumba Ginger 47/441/40, 162/86, 147/78

Ginger kicked my behind so hard in class that the heart monitor strap came off about 10 minutes before class ended.  The BB said I burned 492 calories.  I love having backups.

Pullup update:  I can do one at 85 lbs, and I weight 164 lbs clothed with shows (161 lbs base weight this
morning). That means I'm doing 79 lbs or so. I believe last time about a week ago I was at 74 or so, so I'm increasing around 5 lbs a week. I can almost do 85 comfortably. It goes in 15 lbs increments so I should be able to handle 70 lbs in three weeks, maybe sooner depending on the weight lost.

So this late morning I ran five minutes, twice. I thought I was going to need my running partner but I ended up running by myself. I think I'm going to run by myself from now on, I'm ready. And I DID give myself the shoutout in the mirror at the end.

Three weeks ago I got winded in less than a minute, now I can run a cumulative 16 minutes, 5 and 3 minutes at a time. It went Warmup 5, Run 3, Walk 1.5, Run 5, Walk 2.5, Run 3, Walk 1.5, Run 5, Cooldown 5. Day 1 of 3, week 4. My pace lowered a little bit, 32 seconds instead of 30 every 244 feet.

When I started running the five minutes the first time, I got scared. Of what, I don't know. I don't think it was failing, I think it was something else. I still haven't figured out what, though. But I looked at myself in the mirror as I was starting the first 5-minute run and whispered out loud "I know you're scared" and then I thought I hadn't heard it so I repeated it and then I noticed a runner catching up to me and I froze inside wishing he hadn't heard me. But I think verbalizing it helped, because I could embrace the fear, let it overtake me, feel it, get over it, move on, instead of ignoring it and letting it fester.

There's clocks in the middle of each side so when I start the run I note the start time and end time (not to record, just to know how much is left). And something happens. All of a sudden you've ran a minute. Then two. Then all of a sudden you're halfway. Then you only need two more minutes. Then just one. And who's going to stop when you're down to the last minute?

And I kept thinking, what's the difference between the first step and the next step, or the last ten steps and the next steps? Physically I can do it no problem. It's mentally that's the challenge. 99% of fitness is mental, not physical. But after last Saturday's debacle, I let my mind get away with less. I reached that point, that point where your mind says stop but your body still has a little bit left to go, the distance from mental exhaustion to physical exhaustion. And I failed. I gave up. I went low impact. I burned 100 calories less and I took off the gloves mid-class. The gloves more than anything were a huge blow to me, after convincing someone to wear hers the whole class, no less. But I took them off because I wanted more cardio than weights (that's how I rationalized it). But I've tasted the space between mental- and body-tiredness, and I'll be better prepared next time.

What does this all lead to, though? There comes a point where you do something you're not completely sure you can do. If you were to look at me you probably could go either way on whether I could run five minutes or not (if you didn't know me). Leaning more towards the not, probably. Still fat, still slow, in the middle of the journey where it takes a long, unglamorous time and the ... what's a good name for it... not really the highs, because a good class can be a high, but more of the mini-goals (200 lbs, 25 lbs lost, halfway, etc.) become fewer and longer apart. Pounds come off slowly, muscle builds slowly, if you go all the way in every class there's really no way to measure cardiovascular progress accurately (that's where the running comes in, I guess), etc. etc. etc.

But once you do something you shouldn't be able to do mentally and don't think you can but you do it anyway, time slows down and you stop yourself and think, what just happened? And you know something changed, YOU changed. And you don't know how you changed, or what the change will lead to, or what it all means, but you just know you're not and can never again be the same person you were five minutes ago, because of something that happened in your life. Because your core changed (and I'm not talking about muscles here).

And this is in my opinion the greatest gift exercise has given me. Because you start with one thing. And then when you encounter the next think you can't do, you think to yourself, well I did THAT, why can't I do THIS? And then when the NEXT thing comes along, there's two things backing you up. And slowly something in you changes that you know can never go back, because of everything that has happened. You change whether you want to or not, whether you are ready or not. And it starts strictly with exercise, but sooner or later it spills over into your personal life. There's no way to stop that, even if you want to. And you find yourself doing things that have nothing to do with exercise and that you don't think you can do. And you learn one of the best-kept secrets in life: you can do things even though you don't think you can. No one ever said you had to believe you could do something in order to do it. Next time you think you can't do something, do it anyway.  And all of a sudden you become someone who still gets scared of a lot of things but does them anyway.

And when you fail? You beat yourself up over it, you analyze it, you try to learn from it, you try to extract meaning from it, you wonder what and why it happened and why you stopped and why you failed and why you couldn't hang on, and you use that feeling of utter failure that you hate so much next time you find yourself in that situation. And the more time that passes from last Saturday and the more separated I become from the event, the more I think that may be one of the most powerful events of this journey and one that will help me the most.

Debbie out.

THURSDAY Noon Cheyenne Lift Rachel  62/404/55, 149/79, 121/64

THURSDAY 4:30p Cheyenne Zumba Nicola 57/658/25, 180/95, 165/87

FRIDAY 8a Ann Cycle Dallas 69/671/35 (may have forgotten to turn it off), 177/94, 149/79
FRIDAY 10a Trop TurboKick Beth 56/589/30, 177/94, 158/84
SATURDAY 9a Agassi Lift Mai 57/341/60, 141/75, 118/62
SATURDAY 10a Agassi TurboKick Kelly 59/569/35, 171/90, 150/79
SUNDAY 9a Sahara Cycle Dallas 57/281/60, 144/76, 111/59

Four days without blogging, and even though it's 2/1 in the morning, this update is about this past week, so it goes here.  Read it as if I were writing it on Sunday night).  I've been having health issues.  It started during Kelly's Sat class on 1/23 and it has gotten progressively worse.  I went all out on Saturday and it felt great but I had trouble catching my breath and had to stop in-between pretty much every routine.  The dizziness started around Friday.  Then on Saturday afternoon I started getting chest pains (mild and infrequent) so by Saturday night I went to the ER.  They did an EKG, chest X-Ray, bloodwork (to check for electrolytes, sugar, and such), examined me, BP, oxygen was 98%, and apparently I have the body of a healthy young woman (I just can't use it).  Went to Dallas on Sunday morning and just worked on keeping my legs moving the whole class, which I did, but was really dizzy the whole time.  Didn't get off the seat, went hard 20-30 seconds at a time and it felt great other than the dizziness and shortness of breath.  Going to go to Beth today Monday morning 2/1 and going all out because I want to see if it's worse or better.  Even at rest it's hard to breathe.  Not heaving hard, just shallow breathing.  The best way to describe is being unable to catch my breath.  So the numbers for Dallas were low.

Didn't run yesterday because of the breathing and dizziness, re-doing week 4 when I'm all better.  I'm threading the line between being a whiner who uses every little cough or sneeze to skip exercising and being stupid and exercising beyond my limit.  I want to push myself but not into worse health than I am right now.  And I'm only still going to the gym because all the tests were good (and I had a full workup about a month ago and everything was normal also).  In summary:  Body in great physical shape, can't breathe well (even at rest).

Here are some things I posted as comments on Facebook when talking about sticking to your own kind:
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You know I prefer being with fat people instead of thin people because I'm losing a big part of my identity (no pun intended) after 31 years and it's a big (again, no pun intended) adjustment... fat comforts me :(
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I disagree that weight doesn't have much to do with one's identity. Just as an example, just physically, more weight allows you to do less, and you slowly define yourself (and let's just leave it at the physical level) as someone who can't ... can't run, can't hike, can't bike, can't swim, etc. etc. and all of a sudden you have to redefine yourself as someone who can.
You really start noticing this if you go from one extreme to another, maybe not as much if you stay the same, so it's more a change in weight than the weight itself that makes a difference. But you can't lose weight (not sure about gaining, but I'd think that'd apply too) without your whole entire being changing, and you don't have a choice but to deal and adapt to it (well I guess you could go fat again but that's not an option for me, although tempting).
Just the way you eat... saw a piece of bread on the table an hour ago and almost wolfed it down before realizing I'm not that person anymore who uses food to change emotions.
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I think that sometimes you go through experiences in which you can never go back to the way you used to be, whether you want to or not, and have to deal with a life in which you are different, whether you want to or not.
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I'll write more about this later but yesterday I reached 156 lbs (156.5-157 lbs this morning) and I'm getting to a point where I AM getting skinnier whether I want to or not, and I have to leave behind an identity that I carried around for 31 years, and it's a big adjustment.  I've been thinking a lot about that this past week, even before starting those comments on Facebook.  Because I didn't want to tell myself "You look skinnier" and give myself false hope, so I've been telling myself I look the same, but now I'm getting skinny enough that when I look in the mirror there's no denying I look different, and right around now is when I have to start dealing with giving up Fat Debbie.  And I've had Fat Debbie pretty much my whole life.  Pretend that tomorrow you wake up a different gender and you had no say in it.  Big adjustment, right?  It's exactly the same thing, and now I finally have to deal with it.  Start to deal with it, though, I still have enough fat left over for a couple of months.  I'm down to the high 29's in fat % and goal is 21, so I may reach fat % goal before I reach weight goal (46 more lbs to lose).  I really do think weight is a big part of your identity, and losing the weight means I lost a huge part of my identity and I have to figure out what I'm left with and embrace that.

And the whole moving this week isn't helping.  I'm having to come face to face with being skinny this year, I have to deal with not being able to breathe, I have the move stressing me out and my stress-reliever (exercise) pretty much gone on a week when I have a major life stressor (two if you count the health issues), and it just makes for a very stressful week.  HALFWAY DONE!!  Two more rooms and it's DONE for me.  The new house has a bunch of stuff there already, will be sleeping there sometime this week.  Been throwing out a lot of junk and get to re-decorate.

So I'm trying to remind myself that I have a lot of life changes going on and allowing myself a little stress.

Something I noticed hasn't changed is that I still have trouble getting motivated to do something I don't want to do.  It's not whether it's hard or not, it's whether I want to do it or not.  One week is PLENTY of time to move and I didn't, and that bothers me that I'm not adult enough to take care of it in a week, mental block about it be damned.  So that's one thing that hasn't changed (and I mentioned it with the running a couple of weeks ago also) although I'm getting better at running when I don't feel like it, so maybe that will spill over into my outside life.

The running.  On Wednesday I decided to stop looking at the clock and looked at myself running in the mirrors instead, and again on Friday.  I wanted the feeling that I had to go on running forever and there was no end in sight.  If I look at the clocks I know how long I have left.  And you tell yourself just two more minutes, just one minute, just 10 more seconds, etc., and psychologically that helps you.  It gives you energy when you know there's an end in sight, it does wonders for you psychologically.  I want to take that away.  I want the despair and hopelessness to set in and to think there's no end in sight and that I'll have to keep running until the end of time and that I have no energy left.  Because when you have an end in sight you gauge your energy and you know you can do it, but when there's no end in sight you don't know that you will make it and you just have to keep running.  I want to experience all that AND run, and train myself to run into those conditions.  Because once you train yourself to just run without looking at the clock, you draw into a part of yourself that will keep going when you're mentally exhausted but your body can still go.  I want to overcome the normal mental anguish and despair that comes along not knowing how much longer you have to run.

Off to the doctor today!!  I need my body back !!

Debbie out.