Well, here we are. Last time I blogged regularly was right before the 6/26/10 marathon and today is the 19th of September, so almost three months. A LOT of write about. I'm switching it over to topics while I catch up and once I do I'll decide where I'll keep with topics or dates.
This post will start up with a bit on motivation and then go into THE MARATHON, which was on 6/26/10.
Motivation. What drives me? I realized that I have a few qualities that have helped me to lose weight (yesterday night reached 129.5 lbs. 85.5 lost in 63 weeks (1.357 average pounds per week) and 100.5 lbs down from heaviest weight)). I had been feeling a bit down and wrote these three messages to someone on Facebook about it, and I think they sum it up well, so instead of repeating myself I'll just cut and paste. I think this also encapsulates very well the state of mind I have been in for the last couple of months.
Well, I did have one person tell me at work to stop talking about working out and eating right because "everyone" was sick and tired of listening to it and that no one that would tell me the truth would tell me that I look healthy. Another person told me not to take three classes in a row but that I was going to do what I wanted anyway and what do they know they're just an instructor and to enjoy my workout. I don't feel very changey. Nowadays I'm just glad if I go through a day without pissing anyone off lol
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And that's the thing... I didn't even go out to change myself it just kind of happened. I don't know if you know how it all got started. On 6/2/09 at night I talked to my dad and six hours later we got a call that he slipped down the stairs at home, hit his head, and died (he lived in another country). Went to bury him and came back on 7/2 at 11:00p. On 7/3/09 I stepped into a 24 Hour Fitness and the rest is history. But it wasn't really a choice like "Oh I have to make his death count for something" or anything like that. It wasn't something I CHOSE to do, it was something I DID. I don't even know why. I don't even know what drives me.
And I think people don't realize what an adjustment this is for someone going through it. I mean one day you wake up and you're looking at a stranger in the mirror. I hated my face when it started thinning out (but I'm getting used to it). And you pretty much lose your fat self and you have to pretty much let go of who you were and become somebody else whether you want to or not on some level. That was the hardest part, saying goodbye to whom I call Fat Debbie. I miss her sometimes. I'll go into a room of people and I'll feel more comfortable around fat people. Like if you are Hispanic and go into a room with a bunch of people of different ethnicities, you'll feel a sense of belonging with people who also share that with you. Because there's a part of me deep down that will ALWAYS be Fat Debbie. Maybe it's different for people who have been thin before but I had never been thin my whole life, always overweight or obese, mostly obese.
And what's funny is that I had to start thinking of myself as having a physical side and I never had that before.
I don't know how you're supposed to lose weight or what you're supposed to do or act or say. Never done it to this scale before. And according to other people I do it wrong half the time lol I'm just trying to hang on for dear life as I barrel down a highway at lightning speed, so to speak. I think I'm a pretty open and accepting person and I don't need people to agree with what I do but it just seems like if I don't agree with someone else I'm doing it wrong. I DID decide (or not even decided but just did) from early on that I wasn't going to listen to anybody but do this my own way. I had to do this the way it worked for me and not anybody else. No rest days. Seven classes in one day. I give 110%. Some days that is seven classes, some days that means laying in bed resting. My 110% changes but not the 110%. But I had to do this my way. And that just seems to rub people the wrong way.
I wrote negatively (in a way) about BodyPump (that a group class can by design never be as effective for a specific individual than a workout routine especially designed for that individual) and pissed another instructor off.
So nowadays I'm feeling that no matter what I do I'm doing it all wrong lol :(
And I think people don't realize what an adjustment this is for someone going through it. I mean one day you wake up and you're looking at a stranger in the mirror. I hated my face when it started thinning out (but I'm getting used to it). And you pretty much lose your fat self and you have to pretty much let go of who you were and become somebody else whether you want to or not on some level. That was the hardest part, saying goodbye to whom I call Fat Debbie. I miss her sometimes. I'll go into a room of people and I'll feel more comfortable around fat people. Like if you are Hispanic and go into a room with a bunch of people of different ethnicities, you'll feel a sense of belonging with people who also share that with you. Because there's a part of me deep down that will ALWAYS be Fat Debbie. Maybe it's different for people who have been thin before but I had never been thin my whole life, always overweight or obese, mostly obese.
And what's funny is that I had to start thinking of myself as having a physical side and I never had that before.
I don't know how you're supposed to lose weight or what you're supposed to do or act or say. Never done it to this scale before. And according to other people I do it wrong half the time lol I'm just trying to hang on for dear life as I barrel down a highway at lightning speed, so to speak. I think I'm a pretty open and accepting person and I don't need people to agree with what I do but it just seems like if I don't agree with someone else I'm doing it wrong. I DID decide (or not even decided but just did) from early on that I wasn't going to listen to anybody but do this my own way. I had to do this the way it worked for me and not anybody else. No rest days. Seven classes in one day. I give 110%. Some days that is seven classes, some days that means laying in bed resting. My 110% changes but not the 110%. But I had to do this my way. And that just seems to rub people the wrong way.
I wrote negatively (in a way) about BodyPump (that a group class can by design never be as effective for a specific individual than a workout routine especially designed for that individual) and pissed another instructor off.
So nowadays I'm feeling that no matter what I do I'm doing it all wrong lol :(
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And on top of everything else I developed vertigo six weeks ago. So I went from 21 classes a week to having difficulty getting out of bed in a short period of time. But I mentioned the vertigo to an instructor and she wrote back how she also suffered from vertigo and I realized I was having a pity party. If she could teach with vertigo I could take a class with vertigo. This was Wednesday. And I noticed how I wrote that I was waiting for things to go back to "normal." So I decided that instead of waiting for the vertigo to go away to go back to normal I just had to adjust to what normal is for me and make vertigo my new normal. Had an awesome three classes in a row today, dizziness and all =) [Friday] I'll just be the one that has vertigo and takes classes (undergoing tests at the doctor now to try to figure out what is causing it... should have blood tests back Monday. Heart and sugar fine. Next up is an ears/nose/throat doctor and so on down the line).
I use calories burned during workouts to gauge what shape my body is in. I can tell you if I'm sick by how many calories I burned in a class. I got up to 550 (only three times) but I hit 500 regularly. Then the vertigo hit. And I went down to 430 and even 392 in one class. That one hit me hard. That's the instructor I wrote to. Now from one day to the next I'm up to 497. Not 500 but pretty darn close. I feel like I'm pretty much "back" after weeks of being off =) But I decided the vertigo is not going to stop me so I adjust when I need to (I'll do extra jumping jacks instead of lounging to the floor). I find I do well if I stay "up" i.e. not bending below the waist. Slowly I'll learn how to go down also while not getting too dizzy or dealing with it. I'm teaching myself how to move with vertigo, i.e. being very light on my feet so that I can adjust my stance if I start swaying.
And I think something people don't realize is that the stubborness, hard-headedness, and refusal to listen and follow the status quo IS the reason I am where I am. That's what makes me me. The OCD about calories and workout schedules and calories burned IS what allowed me to get here. Everything that people say is wrong is precisely what allowed this to happen to me.
When [somebody who I will talk about in a future post, although don't hold your breath for names or identifying information, and no, we're not talking a romantic relationship, we're talking person-that-forever-changed-my-life relationship] "dumped" me I made a choice. I told myself that look at what came out of my dad dying without me even deciding on it. If all this could come out of that, how could I use her dumping me in order to become better? Every time there's a setback in my life now I try to come out of it better. And I used to exercise FOR other people (i.e. I ran because she believed in me) but I decided from now on I didn't run for anybody else. I ran for me. The inner strength couldn't come from other people anymore, it had to come from me. I got to that point from a huge loss in my life and I got to this point through another huge loss. I used to tell people I was lucky to have her in my life and meant it, and all of I sudden I didn't have her anymore. So I've had to deal with three huge losses this past year: My dad, Fat Debbie, and her.
I don't think I know how to give up any longer. Something always happens that keeps the spark alive. I am just beginning :)
I use calories burned during workouts to gauge what shape my body is in. I can tell you if I'm sick by how many calories I burned in a class. I got up to 550 (only three times) but I hit 500 regularly. Then the vertigo hit. And I went down to 430 and even 392 in one class. That one hit me hard. That's the instructor I wrote to. Now from one day to the next I'm up to 497. Not 500 but pretty darn close. I feel like I'm pretty much "back" after weeks of being off =) But I decided the vertigo is not going to stop me so I adjust when I need to (I'll do extra jumping jacks instead of lounging to the floor). I find I do well if I stay "up" i.e. not bending below the waist. Slowly I'll learn how to go down also while not getting too dizzy or dealing with it. I'm teaching myself how to move with vertigo, i.e. being very light on my feet so that I can adjust my stance if I start swaying.
And I think something people don't realize is that the stubborness, hard-headedness, and refusal to listen and follow the status quo IS the reason I am where I am. That's what makes me me. The OCD about calories and workout schedules and calories burned IS what allowed me to get here. Everything that people say is wrong is precisely what allowed this to happen to me.
When [somebody who I will talk about in a future post, although don't hold your breath for names or identifying information, and no, we're not talking a romantic relationship, we're talking person-that-forever-changed-my-life relationship] "dumped" me I made a choice. I told myself that look at what came out of my dad dying without me even deciding on it. If all this could come out of that, how could I use her dumping me in order to become better? Every time there's a setback in my life now I try to come out of it better. And I used to exercise FOR other people (i.e. I ran because she believed in me) but I decided from now on I didn't run for anybody else. I ran for me. The inner strength couldn't come from other people anymore, it had to come from me. I got to that point from a huge loss in my life and I got to this point through another huge loss. I used to tell people I was lucky to have her in my life and meant it, and all of I sudden I didn't have her anymore. So I've had to deal with three huge losses this past year: My dad, Fat Debbie, and her.
I don't think I know how to give up any longer. Something always happens that keeps the spark alive. I am just beginning :)
So, let's talk about motivation. I think I can pinpoint three specific instances when a specific person made a huge difference in me continuing the journey. The first was my first week of taking group classes at 24 Hour Fitness back in the first week of September 2009. I had just come from my third set of measurements by a trainer (I had four free sessions). All my measurements went down from the first to the second set but they went back UP from the second to the third set, most to first-set levels. I had been working out for two months. I was crushed. And I told an instructor about it. This must have been my second class with her. And it wasn't what she said or what she did, it was just the way she made me feel. Like it was going to be ok. That's why even though I don't call her that to other people, she's my favorite instructor. Because she was there at the beginning when I was down and propped me back up. Who knows if I would have kept up with it if it wasn't for her.
The second is another instructor. She gave me inner strength and belief in myself. I guess this is as good a time as any to write HOW I "beat" the depression I had for 21 years, from 10 to 31 years of age. We were going up a mountain and she had hurt her foot and I wanted her to lean on me for support but she's tough as nails and declined (can't blame her there, I'd probably have declined also). So I was there walking behind her. I will always remember that moment. I thought of myself, why should she lean on me? If I want her to be able to lean on me I have to be stronger than her. I have to be worthy of having her lean on me, so to speak. I have to be stronger than her (at moments) for her to lean on me because you wouldn't lean on someone weaker than you (at the moment) because then you'd both just fall to the ground. So, walking there behind her looking at her heels striking the ground, I made a decision. I could never be depressed again. I had to be strong. I wanted her to lean on me so I had to be stronger than her. And I haven't been depressed since. It's not that I won't be depressed any more, it's that I can't be depressed anymore. And I think there's a huge difference in that. She gave me that, and believing in myself, and trusting myself, and never giving up.
The third instructor has been there since pretty much the beginning of the group classes (October as opposed to September 2009). When I started running on January 2010 I couldn't run 30 seconds. I started running at the LVAC indoor track. Out of all the instructors she was the one I chose, for some reason, to "accompany" me in my runs. Maybe it was because she always said "you can do anything twice." There are four lap clocks in the track attached to the ceiling, in the middle of each stretch. It would take me about 30 seconds to get from clock to clock, and about two minutes for the whole track, and it's 5.5 times per mile, so I guess I was doing an 11-minute mile, which doesn't sound terribly bad when you think about it. And it was because of her that I hung on many times and I was able to run 30 seconds, then one minute, then two minutes. Her and the person above got me running.
